Playoff Recap and Year-End Awards

Thanks to everyone for another festive season.  There’s not much to be said about the playoffs this year that hasn’t already been said, thought, tweeted, or tattooed on Travis’s mom’s ass.

The Cole Brothers are full of regret.  Michael for trading me Chris Johnson, which was the sole difference in him not winning another championship.   And me for not outbidding Rich for Matt Ryan at the draft; and then leaving Flacco on my bench yesterday.   But we both got beat fair and square.

Steve-O, on the other hand, rues nothing!  He brought his A-game this year.  Sometimes you just lay a turd in the playoffs.  So no regrets there.  Just a new source of bitterness.

Finally, congrats to you Thong!!!  If someone had to win it besides me, I would have wanted it to be Steve.  And then Mike Frank.   But after them, totally you.  Enjoy the Chicken Bone Cup on your mantel – hope you can get the Falafel smell out.

Oh, and Mike Frank takes the Jean Shorts!!!   I think a picture of him wearing them should be his team avatar next season.


Let’s close the book on this season with a few awards:

Best Team Name:  Thongmetheus – Even his team name was good this year.
Worst Team Name: (tie.) Duck Butter and Larry’s Homework.   C’mon guys – let’s put a little more effort into team names next year.

Most Underpaid:  RGIII, $2, Maine
Sean Forman Memorial Most Overpaid:  Matt Stafford, $32, Sean Forman

Best Message Board Quote: "15 fucking weeks for nothing. You can all suck a lizard's dick. I'm rooting for Thong (in more ways than one). Seacrest out, fuckers!”  - Steve
Worst Message Board Quote: "Fuck My Life" – Falafel AND Steve

Best Luck: Brother Cole (11th year in a row)
Worst Luck: Is there any doubt on this one?  Robby Feldman, in a unanimous decision.

Best Trade:  Commish trading Stevan Ridley for Chris Johnson
Worst Trade: Maine trading Jamaal Charles for 2 Kickers.

Best Waiver Wire Pickup:  Knowshon Moreno, Commish
Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Your Moms
Dennis Northcutt Memorial Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Brandon Myers, multiple people

Waiver Wire Champ:  The winner and still champion – Steve!   He had to come from behind to win it.  Also pick up a lot of dudes.  And also make a lot of transactions.
Waiver Wire Chump: Robby, who checked out faster than his wife during sex.

Best Hair and Makeup: Bradley

Post of the Year:  Commish, Week 8 Recap

Poster of the Year:  Giving this award for quantity, not quality this year.  You could stop Falafel from winning again, but you could not contain the douchiness.  He was all over the board this year, with inane post after inane post.  So congrats! (Or something!)

Mr Irrelevant: Maine

Peace Out and Merry New Year!!!
- The Commish

Week 14 Recap

Wow, that was some finish to the regular season.  It was simultaneously very predictable and very unpredictable - with an M. Night Shamalamadingdong twist at the end.  So what’s the last word on this season of parity?  Let’s recap…

Private Privates  92.86   Duck Butter   62.41         

Robby finishes out his record-setting season with one of his worst losses of the season.  I think his team might have quit on him and are just waiting till after Week 17 to give him the axe.   He managed to tie the league record for most losses in a season, break the record for hardest schedule strength, and shatter the record for how many marshmallows he could shove in his mouth while saying “Fluffy Bunny.”  So he’s still got all that going for him.  .. Meanwhile,  your trusty Commish clinches the #2 seed in the playoffs to set up another goddam matchup with….

'Twas the Middle One 98.84       Sad But True  49.12         

Brother Cole takes care of business, winning 7 of his last 8 games to make the playoffs yet again, despite only having the 6^th most total points.  Cole Bowl XVII is officially on.  … Meanwhile, Bradley’s season is kaput after losing pretty convincingly the last two weeks.   The lesson he can take from his season is that…hmm…well, in times of….hmmm…that’s not right…he needs to draft….hmm…no…hmm….ok.  Fine, there is no lesson to be learned;  these things just happen sometimes.   So chin up, Mazzle – you’ll get ‘em next year. 

Free Pussy Riot 114.73   Bacon Cthulhu  63.72    

Steve cruises into the playoffs as the #1 seed, not even bothering to rest his starters.  His team is completely dominant, akin to the 1984 Dolphins, the 1990 Bills, the 1968 Colts, and the 2007 Patriots. … On the losing end, Maine learned that you can only subsist on bacon and false hope for so long.   They’re both gonna get ya in the end.

FantasyGodsLoveRobby  96.99  Adequately Paid QBs  66.15       

Sean had Cam Newton on the bench this week.  If that doesn’t sum up his season, I don’t know what else does.  … Falafel won big, but it was too-little too-late.  But at least he’s not making excuses for his season.  Only a complete douche-bag would do that…

Thongmetheus   149.70    Larry's Homework 64.35

So, in the least surprising result since Travis’s mom contracted Syphilis, Rich beat up on Mike Frank to even both of their records.  Mike Frank chokes things away and just barely misses the playoffs yet again.  It all went downhill for him after he destroyed me in week 7 and angered the fantasy gods by actually telling me, quote “I made you my bitch this week.”  He was punished the rest of the way for his hubris.  .. ..On the flip side, Rich finished 7-7 yet again, and yet again, finished….WAIT!... Do you hear that music?... in soft tones…Thong th thong thong thong… Is that Siquo I hear?...

I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong th thong thong thong
I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong th thong thong thong!!!!!!!!!!!!

THONG! 

At long last, Thong overcomes his mediocrity with a monster final game to catapult him from 7^th place to 4^th place.  All the results came up Thong this week, and he has now made the playoffs for – I believe - the first time ever.   Congratufreakinlations!!!

Can he take down the Steve Machine?  Which Cole will the winner face?  Will we have a new champion this year?  Will Robby ever get rid of that yeast infection?  So many questions!   So little time!

Stay tuned!

- The Commish

Playoff Scenarios

Can’t remember a season where there were still 6 teams fighting over 2 playoff spots with only 1 week left.   So here are more playoff scenarios than you can shake your dick at…

Short Version

Steve – He’s in.  And a horrible person.

Commish – Despite the 3-game losing streak and thanks to Maine’s win over Brad last night, he’s in. 

Michael – Win this week and he’s in.  Lose and he needs MFrank to lose too. 

MFrank – Win this week and he’s in.  Lose and he needs help.

Bradley – Win this week and he’s in.  Lose and he needs a lot of help.

Maine – Win and he needs a lot of help.  Lose and he’s out.

Thong – Win and he needs a whole bunch of help.  Lose and he’s out.

Falafel – Win and he needs a shitload of help.  Lose and he’s out.

Long Version (courtesy of BrotherCole and NOT fact checked)

Steve – In as the #1 seed.  Clearly the best team in the league and there is no way he can possibly lose the championship this year. 

Jason – Win and he’s the #2 seed.  A loss with a Michael win and a Mike Frank loss and he’ll be the #3 seed.  Loss with a Michael win and a Mike Frank win while outscoring Jason by 35.04 and he’ll be the #4 seed. 

Michael – Win and a Jason loss and he’s the #2 seed.  Win and a Jason win and he’s the #3 seed.  Loss and a Mike Frank loss and he’s the #4 seed. 

Mike Frank – Win and a Michael loss and does not get outscored by Brad by 21.3 and he’s the #3 seed.  More than 21.3 and he’s the #4 seed.  Win and a Michael win and outscoring Jason by 35.04 and he’s the #3 seed.   Less than 35.04 and he’s the #4 seed.

Brad – Win and a Mike Frank loss or Mike Frank win but outscores Mike Frank by 21.3 and he’s the #3 seed.  Win and a Mike Frank win but doesn’t outscore Mike Frank by 21.3 and he’s the #4 seed.

Maine – Needs to win with a Michael win, a Mike Frank loss, and to outscore both Mike Frank by 35.47 and Brad by 14.26 while not getting outscored by Rich by 1.99 to be the #4 seed.

Rich – Needs to win with a Michael win and to outscore Mike Frank by 37.45, Brad by 16.25, and Maine by 1.99 (if Maine wins) to be the #4 seed.

Travis – Needs to win with a Michael win, a Mike Frank loss, a Maine loss, and to outscore Mike Frank by 42.78, Brad by 21.28, Maine by 7.02, and Rich by 5.04 to be the #4 seed. 

Predicted Version

- Steve gets the top seed, as that’s locked in already.  He’ll beat Maine this week for good measure. 

- The second seed goes to your trusty Commish, whose team is rounding into shape for a long playoff run.  Final Score this week:  Commish 150.00- Robby 149.17

- The third seed will go to Bradley, who pulls out a close win against Brother Cole. 

- Brother Cole gets the fourth seed when Mike Frank loses to Thong.  Mike Frank narrowly misses the playoffs, while Thong finishes 7-7 and in 5^th place. 

- That was almost too easy.

Bonus Prediction

- Steve wins the Chicken Bone Cup on December 22 and the apocalypse begins.  The Mayans were one day off. 

Happy Hanukkah Bitches!

- The Commish

Week 10 News and Notes

Some mid-week quick-hitters for you all...

- I apologize on behalf of Yahoo's web site, which is more untrustworthy than Robby in a classroom of 11-year-old boys.

- Not only is Steve in 1st place, he won 500 bucks betting on football in Vegas.  He also leads the Totoya medal count, which earns him 5 cents if he already has a nickel.

- Travis is 3rd in the medal count, but 8th in the standings.  Which means he's been trying really hard.  Good effort Travis!!!

- Robby is on pace to shatter the league record for hardest schedule, averaging over 100 points against.  He's also on pace to shatter his own skull with a hammer.

 - Thong has defied the odds and is now 6-4.  Does anyone want to bet me that he doesn't go 1-3 in the last 4 games?

- Mike Frank has come back down to earth, losing 3 in a row.  But Happy Birthday to him anyhow!!!

- Robby has checked out faster than if he had a dead male underage hooker in his hotel room. 

- Nice job on the recap last week Maine.  You could totally get a job working for Jay Leno.

- I'd love nothing more than to beat my brother this weekend and knock him out of the playoff picture.  which pretty much guarantees it's not going to happen.

- In other Brother Cole news, he's running a goddamn marathon this weekend. A rare sincere good luck to him!  That's pretty awesome. 

- Further evidence of Robby's disinterest - he's also leading the league in Least Amount of Points From Post-Draft Acquisitions.  He's made less moves than Stephen Hawking.  (Too busy making moves on Justin Bieber.)

- Brad has won 3 in a row and is now within striking distance of the playoffs.

- Maine lost and is now within striking distance of false hope.

- Fuck Joe Flacco.

The End,
The Commish

Week 9 Substitute Recap

Jason didn't want the pressure of having to follow his magnum recap opus, so he trotted me out to provide a buffer. Some call this passing the buck, but I call it my annual opportunity to lash out at others' misfortunes because I'm obviously hurting inside. I relish the forum. Let's take it from the top.

Private Privates vs. Thongmetheus

I enjoy Rich's gimmick where he sticks his name into one blockbuster movie every year. Not only is it clever, but it's also strikingly prescient because his team tends to perform about as well as the movie does. For example, two years ago, when he was Avathong, he put together a team that was easy on the eyes but turned out to be pretty forgettable in retrospect. And last year, as Captain Amerithong, he improved slightly and provided some excitement but turned out to just be a launching pad for more successful franchises.

This year, as Thongmetheus, he started out the season looking great, but questions rose about whether or not his team made sense when you really thought about it and eventually we all decided that by the end of the summer, a few other teams were a little better. Rich, if you want to win the cup in 2013, I'd recommend avoiding RoboThong and Iron Thong 3. My two cents.

Meanwhile, what has to be said about this matchup? After his performance Sunday, Doug Martin was lucky to get home without facing a few rape charges. Between his 4 touchdowns and the Bears defense, nothing was going to stop Jason this week. I mean... he's getting away with starting Malcolm Floyd for chrissakes. What a beating from Jason. If you're going to be in first place, these kinds of wins are going to keep you there.

Larry's Homework vs. Twas The Middle One

As of this writing, Eli Manning is still on the 40 yard line of MetLife Stadium finishing up his massive dump. I'm starting to get concerned that he'll pass out from dehydration, but clearly, his capacity for rear evacuation knows very few bounds and that unfortunately played a major role in the Mike Bowl going into Monday night. Too bad for Mike Frank that nobody on his team stepped up to take advantage. Not even Pierre Thomas, who somehow lost carries and a TD to Chris Ivory.

Despite his well crafted and balanced roster, Brother Cole's team is hovering around .500. It should be noted however, that the Middle One has won, what, three in a row now, and is desperately climbing toward relevance. And a win against a team that's ahead of him in the standings (and falling) is only going to help.

Free Pussy Riot vs. Duck Butter

Here's how you know your season is going so well that you're probably going to need a laxative to help crap out the horseshoe up your ass. When Tom Brady goes on bye, and you trot out Josh Freeman and don't miss a beat? You're doing okay. You can relax. You've got this. 7 and 2 is a great place to be.

Josh Freeman looks like a guy who would aggressively try and sell you fruit at a stoplight and guarantee you that his mangoes are better than the ones you'd get at the supermarket. It takes a special kind of fantasy mojo to be winning with that cat in your lineup.

Conversely, here's how you know you got the horse's hoof in your ass instead of his shoe. When you have a roster like Robby's... with the great HOF QB, the most talented receiver in the game, the best RB in the game, the up and coming backup QB, the deep threats, the scoring TE, only two Dolphins, etc... and you're 1 and 8? What's up?

That's when you look at the standings and see that Pts Against column and say, "Oh... oh, man, that sucks." Sorry, Robby. It's not your fault. It's NOT your fault! This week's loss came from Mikel LeShoure's career day. And Brandon Marshall's career day. And Adrian Peterson's... day. And the world's most football-competent fruit salesman. Don't blame yourself for anything but starting Anthony Fasano.

Bacon Cthulhu vs. Overpaid QB's

And now a quick visit to the Land of Mediocrity. Neither team scored any points. None of the players performed well enough for their moms' to proudly wear their jerseys in the stadium on game day. I'm only talking about this matchup because I'm required to. Ain't no champions here!

By the way, here's how you know the Cthuluhu is bad. Most times you look at a fantasy roster, you think, "Man, if that was the offense for my real team, we'd be, like, 14 and 2." When you look at the Cthulhu lineup, you think, "they need to take that high draft pick and trade down so they can fill out more holes in the roster." It's not a good feeling. I'll cop to it. I blame the benched Michael Vick. He's a locker room cancer.

And Sean probably shouldn't feel any better. His team scored fewer points this week than Doug Martin and Matt Bryant did.

Sad but True vs. Hurricane Falafel

Both teams are 4 and 5 after the only close matchup of the week. Most players did about as they were expected, except the mercurial Eric Decker who scored 18 points and sounds like the lead character in an 80's TV show about a cop who solves crimes with a snake and a motorcycle. Eric Decker doesn't play to his expectations. He plays by his own rules. And of course his nemesis was going to be Victor Cruz. Of course.

Not sure either of these teams are playoff bound, but Brad's team still has some big game potential. The season's still young. Or teenaged, maybe.

Week 8 Recap

Private Privates Kicks Overpaid QBs Ass to Grab First Place

Private Privates (6-2, 736.25 points) claims the mantle as the league’s overlord after beating Overpaid QBs (ninth place, no hope) 103.17 - 85.36. They also put up the highest point total in the league this week, putting everyone and their mothers to shame. Overpaid QBs can't find any answers, is on a four-game losing streak, and is bald. Matthew Stafford racked up the second-highest score in the league this week with 29.84 points for Overpaid QBs, adding an ironic twist to his losing team’s name.  Overpaid QBs are now currently the third-most ironic team in the league, trailing only Larry’s Homework and Sad But True.

Private Privates Smooth Moves

• Doug Martin had 26.27 points, the highest RB score of the week and the second-highest RB score in the league this season.  He looks like Ray Rice, only not really.
• LeSean McCoy had 16.47 points, the second-highest score among RBs in the league this week.  He is awesome even though the Eagles suck.
• Stevan Ridley had the fourth-highest score among RBs in the league this week with 14.47 points.  He ate fish and chips for 4 out of his 5 dinners in London.
• Private Privates shaved their crotch.  They are like a Ken doll down there.

Overpaid QBs Regret Tracker

• Overpaid QBs picked up Brent Celek, who then fell short of his 4.38-point projection by falling asleep on the team bus and missing the game.
• The Minnesota Vikings Defense scored the fewest points in the league with -3.00 and caused the Overpaid QBs to switch over to watch Parks and Recreation by the middle of the second quarter.  Parks and Recreation is the second-funniest sitcom on Television.
• The RBs for Overpaid QBs got outscored 57.21 - 19.86 by the RBs for Private Privates, leaving the Overpaid QBs to wonder where it all went wrong on draft day.
• It was a season-low 2.33 points for Reggie Bush this week.  It was a season-high ass-kicking of the Jets by the Dolphins.
• Of the 10 starters on Overpaid QBs, 6 underperformed versus their projections, 2 over-performed, 1 sub-performed, and 1 averagely-performed.

What If

• If Private Privates played Overpaid QBs every week, they would be 7-1 this season and not invited over to watch the Overpaid QBs Direct TV anymore.
• Private Privates would have been undefeated if they played every team in the league this week.  So suck on that.
• Had they played each other last week, Private Privates would have defeated Overpaid QBs 75.47 - 75.19.  This is the third-most useless statistic in this recap.
• If Private Privates had played every team in the league each week, they would be 47-25.  They would trail only the San Francisco Giants in the NL West.
• Besides Private Privates, Overpaid QBs would have been defeated by four other teams this week.  So that’s something, we guess.
• If they played every team every week, Overpaid QBs would be 21-51 and would somehow fall to eleventh place.

Game Notes

• Three of the six losses for Overpaid QBs this season have come when their opponent scores higher than their season average if you factor in fractional points.  Which you shouldn’t.
• With the loss, Overpaid QBs has the longest losing streak in the league, stretching back four straight games.  He also has the shortest erection in the league, stretching out four straight inches.
• Although Private Privates won, it was no thanks to Dwayne Bowe, who scored 4.33 points and has now scored below his projection in three straight weeks.  Dwayne Bowe wants to be traded this week and has now called his agent 47 times in the past 23 days.
• Private Privates got 77.5% of their points from players they drafted in a sleep-deprived stupor.
• The margin of victory of 17.81 points was the second-highest margin in the league this week, thus the aforementioned ass-kicking.

Bacon Cthulhu Gets Win Against Larry's Homework, And By Proxy, The Man

Bacon Cthulhu (seventh place, 3-5, 698.82 points, false hope) pushes Larry's Homework (6-2, 731.05 points, pushing 40) out of first place after “beating” them 94.27 - 82.93.  Rob Gronkowski led Bacon Cthulhu with 2 rediculous touchdown dances while Sebastian Janikowski ate an entire roast pig for his pregame meal. With this win, Bacon Cthulhu scored 1.2% more than projected and has now beaten himself off three weeks running. Larry's Homework was led by the Miami Dolphins Fighting Cameron Wakes with 22.00 points and Drew Brees who scored 14.39, but secretly kind of sucked this week.

Bacon Cthulhu Smooth Moves

• Rob Gronkowski brought in 21.73 points, which was good enough to bed the ninth ranked porn-star in Vivid’s roster.
• The 14.00 points by Sebastian Janikowski topped a projected 8.25, extending his overachievement streak to three weeks, and earning him his third straight overachievement steak.
• With 12.27 points, Matt Forte ranked eighth in scoring among all RBs in the league this week, which is what he should be doing every week Bacon Cthulhu says goddammit.
• Bacon Cthulhu won even though he secretly prefers Santana’s “Smooth” to Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal.”

Larry's Homework Regret Tracker

• Picked up and started Rashad Jennings, who then scored below his 10.18-point projection with 5.67 points, much to Overpaid QBs joy.
• Tony Gonzalez was last on the team in scoring with 1.93 points, 29.4% of his projected 6.56, which is his lowest percentage of the season.  He is 86 years old.
• Larry's Homework was dominated at the TE position, which is how he likes it.
• Of the 10 starters on Larry's Homework, 7 underperformed versus their projections.  But 10 out of 10 starters love their mommas very much.

What If

• Bacon Cthulhu would be 2-6 and even more bitter if they played Larry's Homework every week.
• Besides Larry's Homework, Bacon Cthulhu would have defeated five other teams this week including you.
• If Bacon Cthulhu had played every team in the league each week, they would be 36-36, equivalent to a buck average percentage. 
• Besides Bacon Cthulhu, Larry's Homework would have been defeated by five midgets this week.
• Bacon Cthulhu would have lost to Larry's Homework 101.74 - 98.43 had they played each other last week.  That is still useless to know.
• If they played the same schedule as Bacon Cthulhu, Larry's Homework would be 2-5.  Which is mathematically impossible after Week 8.  The fuck?
• Larry's Homework would be 45-27 if they played every team every week.  Also impossible.

Game Notes

• Bacon Cthulhu beat their scoring projection for the fifth time this season by scoring 94.27 points against a projected 93.13. They have now overachieved three weeks in a row, but alas not in life.
• Bacon Cthulhu was able to cover the 8.61-point spread in the win.  Vegas lost money on this one.
• Larry's Homework had their three-game win streak snapped back to reality in the loss. 
• Although Bacon Cthulhu won, it was no thanks to Hakeem Nicks, who scored 3.07 points and has now scored below his projection in three straight weeks.  Fookin bum!!!
• DeSean Jackson scored 3.93 points against a projected 5.86 in the win, and has now scored below his projection in three straight games.  This fucker too!!
• Bacon Cthulhu got 73.5% of their points from players they drafted.  That figure does not include the 17 kickers he drafted.

'Twas the Middle One Gets Victory over Hurricane Falafel, Climbs to Fifth Place

In spite of finishing with just the eighth-highest point total in the league this week, 'Twas the Middle One (4-4, 656.24 points, bastard) managed to take down Hurricane Sandy Falafel, 77.05 - 64.10. 'Twas the Middle One got damn lucky, but also came close to hitting their 82.03-point season average (93.9%).  So not only lucky, but predictably bad.  'Twas the Middle One once gave a genie a blow job, helping them reach fifth place even though they rank just eighth in total points. It was a rough outing for Hurricane Falafel, who fell to 4-4 (648.28 points) while also ending up ninth in points and first in douchebaggery.

'Twas the Middle One Smooth Moves

• With 14.80 points, Julio Jones ranked fifth in the league in scoring among WRs this week and first among WRs who sound like evil villains in a Spanish telenovela.
• The 11.13 points scored by Jason Witten was the second-highest point total among TEs without a spleen.
• 'Twas the Middle One was able to pull out his dick just enough with only 4 of their 10 starters exceeding their projected points.
• With 5.47 points versus a projected 4.14, Alex Green exceeded his scoring projection by 32.1% and the talent on the rest of the Packers by -14.6%.

Hurricane Falafel Regret Tracker

• Left Lawrence Tynes on the bench, where he scored a shitload of points.
• Hurricane Falafel picked up Mason Crosby, who scored 6.00 points, which are fewer points than a shitload.
• Hurricane Falafel had too much time on his hands during Hurricane Sandy, so decided he needed MORE KICKERS!
• The 1.53 points scored by Victor Cruz was the lowest total in the matchup and 16.6% of his projected point total of 9.19, which was no match for the sinister doings of his evil twin Julio Jones.
• The Arizona Cardinals Defense has now failed to reach their projection for four straight games. And the league has now failed to care.

What If

• If 'Twas the Middle One played Hurricane Falafel every week, they would be 4-4 this season.  And we would all be happy that one of them would lose every week.
• 'Twas the Middle One would have beaten only one other team besides Hurricane Falafel this week – the Washington Generals.
• 'Twas the Middle One would have defeated Hurricane Falafel 96.68 - 54.02 had they played each other last week.  Really?  This stat again?
• If they played the same schedule as Hurricane Falafel, 'Twas the Middle One would be 2-5.  Of course they would.
• If 'Twas the Middle One had played every team in the league each week, they would be 29-43.  They would also get divorced due to tracking too many games at once.
• Besides 'Twas the Middle One, Hurricane Falafel would have been defeated by seven other teams this week.  He also would have been defeated by inertia.  Get up off the fuckin couch for a change, fatty!
• Pigs flew?

Game Notes

• Even though Hurricane Falafel lost, they had two players score higher than the leading scorer for 'Twas the Middle One.  That was the fifth-biggest moral victory this season.
• 'Twas the Middle One covered the 4.52-point spread, winning by 12.95 points.  He also covered the spread at his local Denny’s.
• Despite being on the winning team, Eli Manning had a season-low 2.04 points against a projected 15.69 and has now underachieved in three straight games and in his family.
• The loss was the third humiliating loss in a row for Hurricane Falafel.
• With 37.61 points, 'Twas the Middle One got the highest combined scoring output from the WR position for any horribly-named team this week.

 

Sad But True Spanks Duck Butter ß Didn’t even have to change that headline

Sad But True got 14.87 points from Eric Decker and 13.99 from Aaron Rodgers, stomping Duck Butter, 86.80 - 59.77.  Stomping Duck Butter would make a great band name.  It was an epic beating, and the 27.03-point margin of victory is the seventh-highest in the league this season, which I suppose is good.  Duck Butter was done in by a substantial drop in scoring from last week and from generally having a horrible team. Sad But True (3-5, 673.46 points) remains mired in eighth place and Duck Butter (1-7, 692.80 points) stays mired in last place.  Rick Mirer remains mired in obscurity.

Sad But True Smooth Moves

• The Chicken Dance
• The Macarena
• The Worm
• The Sprinkler
• The Beavis and Butthead

Duck Butter Regret Tracker

• His draft day strategy
• His transactions
• His haircut
• His fashion sense
• His DNA
• That one time in College

What If

• Sad But True would be 3-5 if they played Duck Butter every week.  But they ARE 3-5.  I’m confused.
• Besides Duck Butter, Sad But True would have defeated four other teams of lawyers this week.
• Duck Butter would have been beaten by every single other team in the league this week, to add more insult here.
• Had they played each other last week, Sad But True would have lost to Duck Butter 90.46 - 77.83.  No!!!  Stop it!!!!
• If they played the same schedule as Sad But True, Duck Butter would be 4-3 and headed for a Sugar Bowl berth.
• Duck Butter would be 36-36 if they played every team every week using some sort of time travel machine like a Delorean maybe?
• The queen had balls?

Game Notes

• This gimmick is getting old.

Thongmetheus Pulls Off Come, back over Free Pussy Riot, Puts Them in, Third Place

Thongmetheus registered the second-highest score of the week and erased a 10.50-point deficit on Monday night, enraging Free Pussy Riot 95.65 - 94.75. This was a matchup that could have gone either way, like Elton John, with the 0.90-point margin of victory being the second-smallest recorded in the league this season.  The first-smallest Shall Not Be Named.  Tom Brady, with 30.28 points and dashing good looks, racked up the highest score for the week and scored the best rack of the week.  Free Pussy Riot (6-2, 700.55 points) drops to third place like a chump while Thongmetheus (5-3, 707.32 points) remains in fourth place and is now guaranteed to make the playoffs.

Thongmetheus Smooth Moves

• The 24.44 points scored by Matt Ryan ranked fourth in the league in scoring this week and second for any player on Thongmetheus this season.  So bitter!
• Brandon Lloyd ranked sixth in the league in scoring among British WRs this week with 13.87 points.
• The 7.87 points were a season-high for Steve Smith, which was the difference in beating Steve Pissed.

Free Pussy Riot Regret Tracker

• With 0.67 points, Jamaal Charles was last on the team in scoring and got only 7.6% of his 8.82 projected points, not that Romeo Crennel noticed.
• It was not a good week for Free Pussy Riot at TE, where they were beaten 10.20 - 0.93.  Antonio Gates is the second-most likely TE to be murdered with a sledgehammer by Free Pussy Riot.
• With 0.93 points, Antonio Gates had his lowest output of the season and tallied just 12.2% of his 7.65 projected points, his lowest percentage of the year.
• Free Pussy Riot had 6 of their 10 starters score less than their projected points, not earning themselves any Halloween candy.

What If

• Thongmetheus would be 4-4 if they played Free Pussy Riot every week.  They will be 7-7 at the end of the season, with 100% probability.
• Besides Free Pussy Riot, Thongmetheus would have defeated seven other dwarves this week.
• Thongmetheus would be 6-1 if they played the same schedule as Free Pussy Riot.  But they didn’t.
• Free Pussy Riot would have lost to just one other team besides Thongmetheus this week.  Yeah, Private Privates motherfucker.
• Thongmetheus would have lost to Free Pussy Riot 83.30 - 81.55 had they played each other last week.  Fuck this shit!!!
• You spelled Dog, C-A-T?

Game Notes

• Hope everyone is safe after Hurricane Sandy
• Have a Happy Halloween!!!

Trick-or-Treat sonofabitches!

-The Commish