Year-End Awards

Hi folks,

I guess we’re winding down for the year here (if winding down means thinking about what Mike Wallace may or may not do this weekend, when you haven’t thought about Mike Wallace in years and were a little surprised he was still in the league and doesn’t he kind of suck but who else is catching passes for the ravens and could he be better than Hyde or Gordon?)

Regardless, it’s time for some year-end superlatives.

Best Draft Picks:  Sean, due to the degree of difficulty.  Not even a contest.    
Worst Draft Pick: Commish (David Johnson, bought for $1 Million)

Best Team Name:  Steve, 2Chickens2Paralyze

Got a hobby that I really like to do

It might seem pretty weird right now if I told you

I've waited so long, waited so long

I've waited so long, waited so long

I've got my gloves and my hammer right with me here

I've got two chickens in my backyard, now baby they're gonna disappear

I've waited so long, waited so long

I've waited so long, waited so long

I've got two chickens to paralyze

I'm gonna ring their necks and break their thighs

I've got two chickens to paralyze

I've got two chickens to paralyze

Worst Team Name: Sausage Auction Bitch.  You made the playoffs dude!

Most Bitter Owner:  3-way tie.  Falafel, Mike Cole (teams are still scoring on him), Maine (8^th year in a row).
Least Bitter Owner: Mike Frank, whose team was consistently terrible and is just happy he’s not the auction bitch.

Best Team and most Toyota League Medals: Thong

Best Waiver Wire Pickups:  Commish (Funchess), MikeFrank (Wentz)
Dennis Northcutt Memorial Worst Waiver Wire Pickup:  tie.  Kerwynn Williams, Cameron Brate, Terrance Williams

He might come back, but didn’t Pickup: Everyone that wasn’t me, David Johnson

He might come back, but did Pickup: Mazzle, Greg Olsen

He might come back for one game, throw 3 touchdowns, 3 interceptions, and get put right back on the I.R. and it didn’t matter because neither made the playoffs anyhow Pickup:  Maine, Aaron Rodgers.

Best Trade:  Thong, by default

Worst Trade:  Commish, by default.  Hey, Tarik Cohen could have been awesome!  If Gostowski kicks 7 field goals this week, I’m gonna be hella pissed.

Waiver Wire Champ:  Commish by a landslide.  Yahoo got scratch and claw marks all over their damn self.
Waiver Wire Chump:  Robby.

Auction Bitch:  Falafel and his boy Ertz. 

Jean Shorts Champion:  Officially too early to call – either Mike Cole or Mazzle.  But what the hell, either way, let’s just give the jorts to Bradley, who can continue the Gator legacy. 

Poster of the year:  I dunno man...let’s award it to Robby, for bookending his season aptly:

Alternative Fact #1

Robby (Alternative Facts)
Jul 1 7:30 pm

I will win the championship this year.

That s about right....

Robby (Alternative Facts)
2 days ago

I lose because of a blocked chip shot field goal. That about sums it up. Goodnight and God bless you all.

   
Peace, love, and chicken grease,
- The Commish

Week 14 Recap

Howdy folks,

Well, that wraps up the regular season in especially nerve-wracking fashion!  How about a super quick recap, you say?  Sure, why the hell not!

Commish beats Maine by 2, to secure 4^th seed.

This one seemed like a no brainer going into Monday Night Football.  I was down 1.8 points to Maine.  I   had studly Brandin Cooks and needed a grand total of 1 catch for 13 yards.  THAT WAS ALL I NEEDED TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS.  And then the game apparently took place in the Upside Down, where Jay Cutler is better than Tom Brady and the Dolphins defense is dominant.  So instead of enjoying a highly satisfying beat-down of the Patriots, I’m sweating it out until 2:24 left in the 4^th quarter before Cooks finally (finally!) makes a damn catch.   But all’s well that ends well.  Unless you’re Maine, I suppose.  He watched Jonathan Stewart go nuts on his bench, his boy Fitz do next-to-nothing, and Jimmy Graham put up a goose egg for no reason whatsoever.   It’s such a damn fine line between making the playoffs and finishing 7^th. 

Brad loses bigly to Mike Cole, falls to 5^th and misses playoffs

Kamara got concussed early, Alex Smith’s magic wore off, Ryan Succup Sucked, and Lamar Miller was Lamar Miller.  All of that sealed Brad’s fate.  Rough end to the season for Mazzle.  Sorry dude.  

Big Sean crushes Little Steven, gets 3^rd seed

Well, at least Steve had already lost before his Patriots sucked last night.  The lesson here is draft from a bouncy house instead of drafting 36 players from the same team.  Man, if Sean wins again this year, his draft approach would be the biggest “fuck you” move in the history of this league.   C’mon Thong – don’t let it happen!

Robby trounces Thong, takes top seed

Will it matter?  You never can tell…  But I'd rather be playing me than Sean, I can tell you that much.  Thong, however, remains the team to beat.  

Falafel loses to Pretzel Boy, wins 2018 Auction Bitch

Congrats Travis!!!  Got the google doc all warmed up for you!

Happy Hanukkah Everyone!

- The Commish

Quickie Recap and Playoff Scenarios

Howdy folks,

One more week of the regular season and as usual, almost nothing is settled.  Robby is gunning for his first title and is sitting in first after a win over Fat Bradley.  Is this finally his year?  Thong is the best team in the league by far and there’s no way he’s going to lose again.  Fat Bradley has lost two out of three but it still sitting pretty.  Sean has won 2 in a row and his name is just taunting us at this point.   I’m still scratching and clawing, but a loss to Travis puts me in a dangerous spot going into the final week.  Is Josh Gordon the answer to all my problems?  Probably not!   Maine is still Carlos Dangerous.  Steve has lost two in a row and is hanging on by a retarded elf’s pubic hair. Michael Evan Cole is still in this league.  Travis should be ashamed of beating me in Week 13 for no reason whatsoever.  He’s in 9^th and deservedly so.  Mike Frank is Turrible! 

Playoff Scenarios, assuming no ridiculous shenanigans with total points or ties:

Robby – In, no worse than the #2 seed.  Gets the #1 with a win or a Thong Loss.

Thong – In, no worse than the #2 seed. Gets the #1 with a win and a Robby loss.

After the top 2, it gets dicey and complicated, so I’ll give you the short version.  There are 2 spots left for 5 teams.   Brad, Sean, and myself are all 7-6 and separated by about 26 points in total.  None of us play each other.  If we all win, it comes down to points.  If 2 out of 3 of us win, then those two are in.  If 1 out of 3 of us win, that person is in and it leaves the door open for Maine or Steve to sneak in on total points.  Maine will likely get in with a win in that scenario, given his total points.  Steve is a longer shot, but can still make it with an awesome week.  If all 3 of us lose, then there will be 5 teams at 7-7 and it comes down to straight total points for the final 2 playoff spots. 

Mike Cole has secured a spot in the consolation bracket and should be proud of his accomplishments this season. 

For the Auction Bitch, Travis and Mike Frank appropriately play each other this week in the Toilet Bowl.  The loser finishes last and is the official Chicken Bone 2018 Draft Auction Bitch.   

Good luck everyone except Brad, Sean, Maine!  Screw you guys!

Cheers,

The Commish

Week 11 Recap

Hi folks,

It is Thanksgiving week and I don’t feel like doing any real work, so how about an honest-to-goodness recap of Week 11?  I know, crazy, right?  Let’s do this thing…

117.63 | Member At Large | 6-5-0 | 4^th  

113.15 | Spoonman |6-5-0 | 3^rd  

Sanuuuuuuuuu!  Brad’s insolence predictably came back to bite him in the butt last night.  His jinx apparently was stronger than my curse.   But really, I got the much needed “W,” when all of my players except for kicker and defense kinda sorta showed up for a change.  Sanu, Doctson, Jamaal Williams, T. Kroft (Tyler?  I don’t even know!), Dion Lewis – waiver wire dudes, all of them.  I can’t keep doing this shit forever, but I’m gonna keep trying… Meanwhile, Brad, myself, and Steve are in a virtual three way tie right now, with Brad slightly ahead of me on points, and me barely ahead of Steve on points.  That seems somehow familiar…. Where have I seen that ordering before?...

117.70 | The Paterfamilias | 5-6-0 | 8th

87.12 | Alternative Facts | 8-3-0 | 1st

Robby, in a preview of coming distractions, takes his first place in the standings and shits the bed.  He would have been better off starting Ryan Tannehill and Nat Moore instead of Dak Prescott and Jason Witten.   Except for Jarvis Landry, his pass catchers really let him down.  But Robby is still solid for the playoffs - now is the time when he should start looking at matchups for week 15 and planning his waiver wire strategy around round 1.  He should look at the defenses his players are going up against that week, check for any upgrades on Defense or Flex, pay attention to injuries, contingency plan with appropriate handcuffs for his best players, and leverage his #2 waiver wire priority accordingly.  I have full confidence that Robby will be doing all of those things and more in order to give him the best chance possible of winning the Chicken Bone Cup this year.   Godspeed Robby.  Godspeed!

138.25 |Running to Mercury | 4-7-0 | 9th

139.58 |2Chickens2Paralyze | 6-5-0 | 5^th

Mike Cole gave it a run last night, but his Seattle players (like Seattle) didn’t quite have enough in the tank to complete the comeback.  That’s probably a wrap on the season for him, falling to 4-7 and 9^th place.  But he’s not out of the running for Auction Bitch! … Meanwhile, Steve is hanging around, hanging around.   His Patriots are firing on all cylinders, and he’s got just enough other useful pieces to be dangerous. However, right now, he is simultaneously overthinking and under-thinking his lineup this week.  That’s impressive! Not!  He should just stick to his day job of lawyering, and night job of playing rhythm guitar in his friend’s cover band. 

98.23 | BlowMeErtz | 3-8-0 | 10th

180.25 |Game of Thongs |7-4-0 | 2^nd

Holy crap Rich!  Try leaving some points for the rest of us!  While still 15 points off the all-time weekly total of 195, that’s a huge ass number to put up!  Like Travis’s mom-level huge ass!   Rich is in 2^nd place all by his lonesome, and with his league-leading total points, he’s in pretty good shape for the playoffs too.   On the flip side, this was just another of a series of embarrassments for Travis this season.  What’s sad is he’s been really trying too…

133.53 | Bacon of Darkness | 5-6-0 | 6th

120.08 | Sausage AuctionBitch | 5-6-0 | 7^th

Now we come to sleeper territory.  What a difference a week makes.  Maine ekes out a big win over Sean and is lurking in the shadows, ready to make his move up the standings the next few weeks.  He’s got Kenan Allen going nuts along with his always stellar running backs.  And with Robert Woods’ injury, Cooper Kupp is going to get more targets.  And Jimmy Graham might be the best Tight End down the stretch.  If Maine can only figure out the QB situation, he’s got a real shot here.  .. Humorous aside though, Tyrod Taylor, who was benched and didn’t even start STILL scored 3 times as many fantasy points as Eli Manning.  When will people ever learn to stop playing Eli….  Oh yeah, and Sean, yadda yadda bald, yadda yadda no chance…yadda yadda bouncy house…

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  Gobble motherfucking gobble!!  Enjoy your family, food, and football.

Love, peace, and turkey grease,

-          The Commish

Week Whatevs Recap

Howdy Folks,

Long time, no cap.  You might think I’ve been lazy, but in truth, I’ve been really, really lazy.  All I want to do is sit at home on my couch, watch Stranger Things and play Super Mario Odyssey.  Thinking about this tire fire of an NFL season is not how I want to unwind.   Even watching games has felt like a chore this year…I’ve probably watched less NFL this year than I have since 1983.  And that’s with a game every night of the week (or so it seems).  Between rampant injuries and rampant mediocrity and rampant Jay Cutler, there hasn’t been a lot to draw me in.  Am I alone on this?

In other more festive news, the U is back and that has been really fun to watch!  Duck Notre Fame!!!  I’m rooting for Virginia to win a close game over the Canes this Saturday, with no UVA turnovers.  But if the Canes win, I won’t be all that broken up about it.  #turnoverchain4life

And that brings us to the Chicken Bone league, which is why we’ve all come together (you know…like a circle jerk!  Where Travis is currently eating the soggy biscuit….).   I’m telling you…of all years, this seems like the one where Steve or Robby finally wins it all.   It’s just that kind of season….

Robby has a stranglehold on first place, with a record of 8-2.  He is definitely the most dominant team in the league, but that’s like saying he’s the tallest munchkin in Oz. (not the prison).  But seriously, his team is so good that he has Kelvin Benjamin, Adrian Peterson, Rishard Matthews on the bench.  I would kill a hobo to start either of those guys instead of Doctson of whatever shit I get off the waiver wire.  Or even a high-end drifter….   Between Bell, Prescott, Tate, Landry, and the dolphin formerly known as Jay Ajayi, in conclusion, this is officially the team to beat.

Now as for the rest of the league, it’s a bunch of scratching and clawing.  Starting in 2nd place with Thong Spady’s cast of characters.  Kirk “You Like That!” Cousins, Robert “Randomly Awesome Now?” Woods, Antonio “Predictably Awesome” Brown, Marquis “Bortles has to throw to somebody” Lee, Kareem “Downward Trending” Hunt, Latavius “Latavius” Murray, and a bunch of other dudes that include an concussed D. Freeman and Ted Ginn’s family.  This team is the epitome of the crux of the illustration of the league.  Everyone is like this!  One great player, a few pretty good players, a kinda hurt player, a random tight end, a bunch of interchangeable guys, and many waiver wire regrets.   In conclusion, Rich’s team is kinda ok.  

Bradley Malemazzlemuzzlezian is in 3rd place at 6-4 with the same dealio.  Julio Jones is a stud, and he’s got some pretty good players behind him.  And Brad’s somehow starting Alex Smith instead of Matt Ryan now, because sure, that actually seems like the right thing to do (not sarcasm)… In other news, Brad’s 1104 points scored is exactly the same as Maine’s 1104 points scored.  And on an unrelated note, Maine is 4-6 and in 8th place.  And on a perhaps related note, this is why Maine hates everything and everyone.   In conclusion, Brad will beat me 102-91 this week and solidify his playoff standing.  

Why will he beat me?   Because Hyde is on bye and because my players keep having season-ending injuries.  Since we last spoke, it was Pierre Garcon, who is now recovering from neck surgery in his native France.   Funchess is on bye, which leaves me with Cooks as my #1, Sanu as my number #2, and you’ve already stopped reading this sentence because you don’t give a shit about my wide receiver problems… Wait…where are you going?  I need to complain about my Flex position!!   Ugghhh…seriously, is there anything more boring than listening to someone else talk about their fantasy team?  I am usually thinking about power moons when they’re talking to me.  In conclusion, I have no business being in 4th place right now with this steaming hot garbage pile of a team.

Moving on, the reigning Sausage King is also at 5-5 and somehow still in the thick of things, winning the last 5 of 7 weeks.  He is currently so sleep deprived that even his remaining hair is too tired to move off of his head.  But that’s not stopping him from picking up Evan Engram and Alex Collins to bolster his starting lineup.  However, I predict he barely misses the playoffs when he starts Matt “Matt” Stafford over Cam Newton.  (Or is it the other way around? I can never remember…and neither can he…).  In conclusion, get ready to ship that trophy to Florida!

Speaking of Florida, he’s super popular with all of the blue-haired ladies of Boynton Beach…it’s Steeeeeve!  Hanging around with everyone else at 5-5, he’s in a weird position of seeing Jared Goff outscore Tom Brady regularly.  Not sure what to do about that one.  His team doesn’t seem so good in general, but who the hell knows?  Just having Gronk and Brady might be enough to take this whole thing.  In conclusion, Who GARA?  

Fuuuuuck!!!  Are there still more teams to talk about here?  Alright, fine.  Here are some facts about Mike Cole.  He is in 7th place at 4-6 and based on his total points scored, is still just as alive as anyone for a playoff berth.  He’s starting someone named JuJu Smith-Schuster, which sounds either like a law firm in Louisiana or a liver disease.  His turn-ons are Russell Wilson’s 2nd half stats and his turn offs are anyone with the last name McFadden.  He is still trying to make a lopsided trade with 80% of the league even though the trade deadline has passed.  And he is a Pisces.  In conclusion, his team is a hell of a catch ladies!  (The crabs are a bonus!)

Now our recap takes a darker more depressing turn, with Bacon Maine, Pretzel Mike, and Falafel Travis.  It’s a veritable buffet of fantasy football sadness!   Unlike Robby, let’s take ‘em on one at a time…

Maine would kill a middle-class vagrant for the opportunity to trade for Jared Goff right now.  He’s somehow starting Eli Manning at QB, as Tyrod Taylor is now benched and Aaron Rodgers died weeks ago.  Elsewhere, he’s got as much talent as the rest of us, especially at Running Back.  But he’s probably, maybe out of time to claw his way back up the standings.  It just doesn’t seem like it’s his year.  Again.  In conclusion, for the love of god, whhhyyyyyy?!!!!

Mike Frank’s team sucks.  In conclusion, it sucks hard.

Finally, we come to Travis, who is enjoying the worst luck outside of the Commissioner’s office.  Zeke Elliott ran out of judges to bribe.  Zach Ertz decides to sometime not play just for shits and giggles.  And I wouldn’t trust any of his receivers with a 10-foot Pope John Paul II.  Travis is 3-7 and in last place and is apparently terrible at fantasy football now that he’s married.  In conclusion, shame.  SHAME!

That’s all I got folks.  So that I continue to bring you this quality recap product at no additional cost to you, please consider supporting our sponsors:  depends diapers, gold bond powder, the law firm of JuJu Smith-Schuster, and Log.   I also welcome your feedback in the comments as well as in a brief 45-55 minute survey you can expect to see in the mail in approximately 4 fiscal weeks.  

Insincerely, 

- The Commish  

Weeks 5/6/7 Recap

Howdy Folks,

So we are halfway through the fantasy season and like the NFL, things are clear as mud.  While not quite approaching the record-breaking chicken bone parity of last season, teams are more bunched together than Robby's panties.  Between massive injuries, suspensions, weirdness, and Martavis Bryant, things are out of control.  So let's do a power ranking/recap and see what's what...


#10 The Sleepy Sausage Kings
This team reminds me of a current-day Courtney Cox.  Sure, she looks great on the surface, but underneath, it's all just dust and bones.  Demaryius Thomas and CJ Anderson can't be trusted with that terrible offense.  Same goes for Jordan Howard.  Cam Newton looks like a shell of his former self.   DeSean Jackson is as sketchy as it gets - sketchier than Robby's panties.  Sean's team won't finish last, but also they might.  .. Also, Sean nodded off somewhere in the middle of this paragraph.  He's not getting much sleep these days.


#9 The Fightin Steves
This team reminds me of last years Oklahoma Thunder, with Steve's Patriots playing the part of Russell Westbrook.  Sure, they'll put up big numbers and even some triple-doubles (that's when 3 Patriot players score double digit points).  But they won't finish any higher than 6th.  This team is more one-dimensional than Robby's panties.  And neither are to be trusted.


#8 The Falafel Poop Snacks
This team reminds me of a house of cards built by a toddler, with Zeke Elliot being the top card.  It's kind of in disarray already, but if he get's suspended, it all comes tumbling down.  And beyond Shady, there's a whole lot of hot garbage here at RB - Buck Allen, Alfred Morris, Mike Gillislee.  Those guys are crappier than Robby's panties.


#7 The Mike Franks
This team reminds me of the guys from the movie Saw - stuck in the basement, but still fighting and showing signs of life.  A win this week and good signs for the homestretch- Carson Wentz looks like a stud, Amari Cooper woke up last week, Hunter Henry is pushing Gates out the door, and Joe Mixon seems to be taking over the backfield in Cinci.  This team is a long-shot to come back and make the playoffs, but I would not want to be playing Mike down the stretch.  This team is stretchier than Robby's panties.


#6 The Commishers
This team reminds me of a lunchtime sushi buffet.  And no, I'm not going to explain that.  Todd Gurley is carrying this sorry excuse for a team. With all of the injuries, this team is bloodier than Robby's panties.  But even aside from the many injuries, I cut Wentz in favor of a washed up Brees.  I cut Duke Johnson, traded for Tarik Cohen, and am flailing about seemingly at random.  And I never have a goddamned clue who to start at WR3 or FLEX.  This is probably too high of a ranking realistically.  Also, it's highly likely Willie Snead is officially dead and trapped in a Weekend at Bernie's situation.  I'd put it at 70/30. 


#5 The Mike Coles
This team reminds me of the island of misfit toys.  There are a lot of fun parts here, but none of them really fit together or are fully functional.  They are less functional than Robby's panties.  Jeremy Maclin?  Chris Thompson?  Robbie Gould?  And Terelle Pryor Sr. still has only 3 more 100 yard receiving games than me.  Mike's biggest problem is teams putting up an average of 126 points each week against him.  Heck, Brad scored 95 against him during the week where he conceded. Truthfully, there's a lot of talent still here, but it's gonna take a lot of luck to make the playoffs after a 2-5 start.  And I don't mean Andrew.  (Because he's off in Hollywood, staring in Weekend at Bernie's III).


#4 The Baconators
This team reminds me of the Green Bay packers - going along just fine until Aaron Rodgers suffers a major injury.  OK fine, so that's more reality than metaphor, but work with me here.  How is this team ranked #4 in the power rankings?  Mostly because all of the other teams are uglier, grosser, pussier, and nastier than Robby's misshapen panties.  But also because there are always good streaming Quarterbacks to be found, and Leonard Fournette is a MAN. 


#3. The Thongs
This team reminds me of a team that starts off really strong, then loses two in a row to fall to 3rd place at 4-3.  In other news, I might be running out of metaphors.  I have less metaphors than Robby has clean panties.  But really, Thong's team is sorta, kinda, pretty decent and also has Antonio Brown.  Which is enough to be in contention this year.


#2 The Mazzles
This team reminds me of that guy at the bar who gets smarter the more he drinks, and by 3:00 am he's reciting Shakespeare and quoting from Stephen Hawking's PhD thesis.  You just don't expect Alex Smith to be somehow crushing it.  Or something named Alvin Kamara beating out Adrian Peterson for a job.  Or Cameron Brate being the 3rd best TE in fantasy so far.  It all seems a little askew.  #robbyspanties


#1 The Panties
This team reminds me of something, something, underwear.  Robby's team is 6-1 and in first place all by his lonesome.  He's been in this position before, only to fall short of greatness.  I ask yet again - is this finally his year?  Yes!  I'm calling it now.  Mark it down.  Robby will somehow...against all odds...manage to win the Chicken Bone Cup this year.  Take it to the panty bank. 


Cheers,
The Commish

Week 3/4 Recap

Hi Everyone,

I don't often get serious on this recap blog, but I can't be quiet any longer about how certain NFL players have been behaving over the last couple weeks.  These players should be ashamed at what they’ve been doing.  They've disgraced themselves and everyone who pays their hard earned money to watch them play football.  I’m not sure I can stomach another minute of these high-paid players acting in this manner. It makes me so sad and angry.  I mean, how can you only score 6 points against the Jets and Saints combined?!?  What the fuck Miami Dolphins?!?  I’m offended by this offense!  10 million dollars for Jay Cutler and this is what we get?!?  Throw the fucking ball downfield!  Run the ball on 3^rd and 1!  Don’t throw the fade pass in the end zone!  Stop committing every offensive penalty possible!  And I could get better guard play out of homeless crackheads!  This is the worst team in football right now, and it makes me sick.  I’m planning on taking a knee every time the Dolphins are on offense, to protest them on general principles.  Onto the recap…

Let’s start from the bottom up for a change…

Free Fallin’

At 0-4, Michael Seth Frank is falling apart.  Going to have a hard time making it back to .500 at this rate.  His team is in shambles and he’s – by far – scored the least amount of points in the league.  In week 3, he put up 32 whole points.  That’s hard to do even if you tried.  Seriously!  Try it!  I’ll wait…  And the main lesson here is that DeMarco Murray sucks, always and forever.

It’s Good to Be King

The Sausage King notched his first win of the season in Week 4, thanks to Bilal Powell, of all people.  He’s got to be in the top 5 running backs ever named Bilal.  Maybe top 3 even.  .. Sean is currently trying to figure out whether to start Cam Newton or Matt Stafford, with CAR@DET, and on about 4 hours of sleep per night.  Good luck with that!

Breakdown

Falafel lost a 1 point squeaker to the Commish, when Derek Carr broke down with a back injury last week.  Zeke Elliot has turned it on lately, but it still hasn’t been enough to keep Travis from dropping 3 in a row and plummeting down to 8^th place.  With Carr out anywhere from 2 to eleventeen weeks, he turns to Jameis Winston at QB.  Fortunately, he’s in the top 10 Jameis to ever play Quarterback professionally. 

Even the Losers

Get lucky sometime.  Mike Cole gets off the schneid with his first win of the season in Week 4, thanks to Wilson and Kelce finally being Wilson and Kelce and his opponent not putting up 142 points.  Mike continues to have no idea who to play in his flex spot, but will deny it if you ask him.

You Don’t Know How It Feels

Maine’s team feels like it should be better than 1-3.  It’s really good on paper.  For the record, my team is 3-1 and I would trade my whole team for his whole team.  This is a fact.  (Maine – Email me.  This is a real offer.  Not a joke.)

Don’t Do Me Like That

This is the week to be playing Brad’s formidable 3-1 team.  Right now he has 7 (7!) players on Bye, has no kicker, and also just picked up David Johnson (after Steve predictably dropped him) for no reason other than to taunt me.  Brad is supposed to be good at math, but this isn’t adding up. 

Runnin’ Down a Dream

Steve is in 4^th place, still riding those Pats as far down the road as it’ll take him.  So far, so good.   He’s got 4 in his lineup and you can’t really argue with any of them. 

American Dream Plan B

So I lost half my team to injury, and I can’t manage to pick the right guys any week to replace them.  But my other guys are stepping up to the plate, and I’m scratching and clawing and playing above my station.  It doesn’t feel sustainable, but it’s been 2 whole weeks without an accident, so that’s something.

Square One

The Thong arrow is pointing down for the first time all season.  He lost Dalvin Cook for the year, and suffered his first loss of the season to fall out of 1^st place.  Still will have his say, but time for him to regroup.

Learning to Fly

Robby has scaled these heights before, only to fall short.  Will this finally be the year he learns to fly?  Ya never know….

Peace and Love,

The Commish

Week 1/2 Recap

Howdy folks!

We are off to another ridiculous start to the eneffell season and another unpredictable season of Chicken Bone.  The Dolphins are leading the AFC east in despite a defense with more open holes than Travis's mom.  If you had told me in June that on September 19, Jay Cutler would be the Dolphins starting quarterback, they would have their first game postponed by a hurricane, they would have to put out a literal APB for their starting linebacker, and they would win their second game thanks to a 54 yd Cody Parkey field goal and a missed field goal at the buzzer by a random Korean dude, I would have thought....yup, that sounds about right for this franchise...

And then there's our league. Let's go team-by-team, see how the first couple weeks around here have gone, and check out the headlines...But really...how much could happen in just two weeks?


Game of Thongs!  From Worst to First!

Is this finally the year of the Thong?  Thanks to rookie sensations Dalvin Cook and Kareem Hunt (cousin to Mike Hunt), this looks like an early contender. Because oh yeah, he has Antonio Brown too.  If Andrew Luck ever gets healthy and Hilton starts producing, watch the hell out.  At the very least, a lot of bad things would have to happen at this point for Rich to be the Auction Bitch again. And there's really an upper limit on how many bad things can happen to one team...


Spoonman!  Come together with your hands! (um...what?)

Mazzle's team looks stacked.  Took on the member at large this time and soundly finished him off without even breaking a sweat.  Except for tight end, not seeing a lot holes here.  Really going for it!

In related news, the plot of Big Butt Sluts 4 in my cable guide says, "Sally Anne looks stacked. Took on the member at large this time and soundly finished him off without even breaking a sweat.  Except for tight end, not seeing a lot holes here. Really going for it!"


Alternative Facts!  This team is awesome!

Now we come to Robby, who is the first of mutliple candidates for the, "Is this team actually any good?" award.  It doesn't feel like yes.  And it doesn't feel like no.  But he's 2-0 and that's all that really matters.


Member-At-Large!  Quick - to the hospital!

This is fucking ridiculous.  Fucking. Ridiculous.  I've been playing fantasy football for most of my adult life and I've never seen anything like this.  That's not hyperbole.  Let's discuss - with directors commentary - what has befallen my team since the draft, in just TWO weeks...

- Willie Snead gets suspended for 3 games ("OK, that came out of nowhere, but I can deal for a few weeks...he was only 7 bucks...")
- Allen Robinson tears his ACL in the first quarter of his first game and is out for the season. ("Wow, that sucks.  There goes another 7 bucks down the drain.  I can make it until Snead comes back...")
- David Johnson dislocates his wrist in the 3rd quarter of Week 1, needs surgery and gets put on the I.R. ("FUCK!!! 66 dollars and I'm screwed.  But I'm 1-0.  Maybe if I scratch and claw and make a trade or two, I can salvage the season..."
- Greg Olson - who hadn't missed a game since 2007 - breaks his fucking foot in the first quarter of his second game. ("You gotta be shitting me...I'm done...")
- Corey Coleman breaks his hand in his second game ("Am I getting punked?")

Predictions for next week..
- Drew Brees has his throwing arm torn off in a freak Louisiana alligator attack.
- Todd Gurley is diagnosed with an advanced case of syphillis and is forced to retire.
- The entire Rams and Panthers defenses are abducted by aliens.
- Brandin Cooks continues to suck.

It's been a fun season guys.  See you in 2018.


The Last Falafel!  Not showing up until December 2017!

Zeke better get it going soon, or this year isn't going to go well for our fearless Falafel.  Also, for reference, Travis is the only one who's ever used the messaging feature on the Yahoo app. You'd think he'd stop, since nobody has ever responded to him, but there he was again on Sunday, like clockwork, saying some mindless shit into the void about Michael Crabtree or something.


HellBacon!  Now nitrate-free!

Now this team does seem pretty darn good.  My early, bold prediction - Maine makes the playoffs as a 3 or 4 seed, then loses in the semis.  You heard it here first. .. Also, he really needs one of the Carolina running backs to get hurt.  Either one - he doesn't care.


I've got 2Chickens2Paralyze!  I'm gonna ring their necks and break their thighs!

In a surprise to no one, Steve's team is going to live or die by the fortunes of Brady and Gronk.  So he's got shot.  No team depth whatsoever, but a shot.  He's also taunted me by picking up David Johnson for his non-existent playoff game.  But I give it 3 weeks max before he cuts him.


Running to Mercury!  Crashing into Saturn!

There's an old saying that goes, "When you're counting on Doug Martin returning to save your season, you're counting on Doug Martin returning to save your season."  How the mighty have fallen....


Sausage Party King!  Birthday Party Champion!

OK, he's 0-2.  Who'd have thought that Sean's draft strategy of bidding on players at random from a kids birthday party wouldn't pay off?  But on the multiple plus side, as of this weekend, he's now in posession of The Chicken Bone Cup. Oh yeah, and he's a dad again to a healthy baby boy - congrats dude!  See you in 2018!


The Paterfamilias are coming!  The Paterfamilias are coming!  

Gonna be a long crawl out of the basement to 7-7.  If my math is correct, Mike Frank needs to win 2 whole games in a row just to get back to .500.  His gambles on Luck, Henry, Mixon and Powerball haven't paid off so far.  But there's always next week...


That's it! And that's plenty!

Peace out,
- The Commish