News and Notes

Party People!

In lieu of a proper recap, where I carefully opine on the previous weekends events, instead you get a 4 days late post of late night ramblings that may or may not make any sense. I think that's a fair trade!

- First off I'll mention Mike Frank, who is miffed that I never talk about him or his team. There. Happy now, pretzel boy?

- Next, I must congratulate the only other team aside from myself with a 4-0 record: The Buffalo Bills. Oh, and also the Sean Forman Sausage Grilling Machine. As you all no doubt remember, I predicted Sean to go 4-10 on the season. So congrats on the fast start, Mr. Forman. And I'm sorry that you're going to lose your next 10 games.

- For a matchup of undefeated powerhouses, The Brothers Cole both put up piss poor totals last weekend. Fortunately for everyone in the league that roots against him (9 out of 10 teams), "I Fucked Frank" was piss-poorer. So once again, in the words of Desmond Hume, suck it brothah!

- Fun Fact #1: I have won 18 of my last 19 regular season games. That's a lot of winning.

- Fun Fact #2: UVA lost to Dook 31-3. As I type this post, UVA is beating the Maryland Twerps 31-0. That means that MD would lose to Dook 62-3 (which is exactly the same score my high school football team lost homecoming my senior year). And what does this all mean? Nothing except this: SUCK IT ROBBY!

- Falafel is getting increasingly bitter about everything. Please don't call a press conference. You can get help.

- Mazzle: Congrats on putting up 2 huge weeks to get right back in the thick of things. Too bad you're facing the nightmare that is me this week. "You crawl back in, but your luck runs out-TAH"

- More congrats go to Steve for his first win of the season. I'm sure that helped to couch the blow of another Mets collapse and a Gator upset. Otherwise he might have called a "press conference" on Monday.

- Thong picked the wrong season to stop sniffing glue.

Cheers Bitches! Enjoy your Sundays!
- The Commish

Week 3 Recap

Well, well, well. Before the league stuff, I just need to rejoice for just a sec here: Woo hoo! Dolphins! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Effing Brown!!! Go Effing Fins!!! ... It's been way too long since we Dolphin fans had a chance to be that happy on a Sunday in a non-fantasy way. I had almost forgotten what it felt like. (FYI...damn good.)

Now to league bidness. Things certainly are shaking out early around here. 3 games into the season and already there are three discrete groups of teams - the haves, the have-nots, and the "Steves". The haves, all at 3-0, include the Bros Cole and a surprise expansion team (more about all of them later). On the other hand, the have-nots are already fighting over the 4th and final playoff spot like fish on chips. But enough preamble, lets Recap With a Vengeance:


Chief of Staff 96.50 The Stevie Bunch 51.13
I should really change my team name to something that doesn't have Chief in the title. Because man, the Chiefs are a really baaaad football team. How bad are they? So bad, they're calling Steve for advice. ... Maybe I'll change my name to the Chefs or something. Hmmm..I guess I can call Steve for advice on changing my team name. That's something he's actually good at. ... And Hmmm..I just ended that last sentence with a preposition, but it looks right to me. What else would I have written? "That's something at which he's actually good"? "That which he's actually good is something"? "Steve sucks"? Except for that last one, those all sound worse, not better, dammit. Can't we all just agree that ending a sentence with a preposition isn't necessarily a bad thing and should be legal in our league? I'd like to put this up for a rule change for next year. Oh right, and I also kicked Steve's ass this week wherefore.


Lords of 4th Place 80.87 Leaky Shipmaster 67.48
Now maybe Mr. 189 can quit his whiny, vagina-flapping bitching. In one week, with one win, Maine has vaulted from a winless 8th place to a playoff spot. How? Because those overall points which he was decrying last week are the all-important tie-breaker for this league. I'm guessing he's not going to bitch about anything this week (aside from his poor guitar-playing skills). ... Also, I would be remiss if I didn't point out the obvious in that Maine set an inglorious league record for most points by an individual bench player. Ronnie Effing Brown scored 38.51 Effing fantasy points this week and this was Maine's reaction after each touchdown:

TD1: "Hmm, maybe I should have started him."
TD2: "Damn, I definitely should have started him."
TD3: "Damn! Well at least this helps his trade value."
TD4 (passing): "Damn!!!" (Eyes get all misty, about to cry.)
TD5: (Delirious laughing, rolling on the floor, and then peeing his pants)

Also, Robby loses 2 row and would have been better off starting The Captain and Tennille than Fast Willie and Big Ben.


I Flunked Flank 104.42 Demon Thong of Fleet Street 77.86
Another commanding performance by BrotherCole, who has topped 100 points every week so far and is looking like the team to beat, even with Shockey hurt. At this point, he's expected to win the title, and anything less would be a disappointment. .. On the flip side, once Thong does something interesting in this league, I'll be sure to write about it. Keep me posted!


Seek & Destroy 102.22 Falawful 57.59
Well look who decided to show up! It's the Mazzle Express, hurtling out of nowhere to score over 100 points, almost doubling up the Artist Formerly Known As Falafel. Wow, it must have been Mazzle's birthday yesterday or something. (BTW, Happy Birthday Brad!) Good luck next week, when he tries to win in a non-birthday situation. .. Meanwhile, Falafel should be pleased because his team looks GREAT on paper. They are the paper all-stars. Too bad he got reamed this week (rim shot).


Forman's Grillers 82.51 League of Morons 52.21
Finally, we've reached the nameless expansion team who is somehow 3-0 - Sean "Effing" Forman! Ladies and gentlemen, despite keeping kosher, The Sausage King has come to play! He has showed up into your league and broughten it on. You going to take that shit?! MFrank took that shit this week, and it wasn't even the secret shit. Robby, you get Sean's shit next week. You gonna take the shit back from him?! Don't let him keep your shit. You show him your shit and you win the shit. That's what you fuckin do!


- The Commish

Week 2 Recap

Howdy Folks,

Welcome to Recap 2: Recap Harder! The big news this week was the insanely high scores put up in both the NFL and this league. These scores were higher than Thong's dad on meth. They were higher than Steve "Urkel" Rappaport's pants. They were higher than the commish's hair at his bar mitzvah. So, what I'm saying I guess, is that they were high and stuff.

But how did they get so high, you ask out loud, making your coworkers wonder why you're talking to the computer screen and if maybe they need to report you to the boss on the suspicion of being a lunatic and besides they think you might have stolen their leftovers from the Cheesecake Factory out of the fridge because a half-a-salad doesn't just walk away on its own and go join the Lettuce Navy, because that would be crazy. So, uh, recap anyone?


Forman's Grillers 122.01 Lords of Ham 108.36

The newbies came to play! In the hottest action of the weekend, Mr. Forman takes the Michael Tamayo Memorial Bald Guy Trophy with a huge performance from T.O. on Monday Night Football. Maine technically did nothing wrong (aside from drafting overrated running backs), but he just ran up against a buzzsaw this week. In honor of the Sausage King notching the high score of the week and moving to 2-0 on the young season, I'll note here that Sean is technically "balding" and not "bald". (Just like Maine's mom is technically a "slut" and not a "whore.")


Thong 113.70 The Non-Brady Bitch 93.68

The law firm of Manning, Earnest, and Gostkowski got thrown out of court in this high-stakes trial by fire. The plaintiff, Mr. Richard Spady, won a victory thanks partially to the testimony of a Mr. Romo and the evidence provided by Monsignor McFadden. (Though the argument brought by a one Senior Houshmandzadeh had to be ignored by the jury after finding out that he a) wasn't a US Citizen and b) sucked.) Also, Steve lost because of a priori assumption, consensus facit legem, and de facto habeas corpus esquire. Also, no Tight End.


I Flunked Flank 119.94 Left Hand Falafel 92.29

In yet another barn burner, BrotherCole bested Falafel in this battle of washed-up former champs. BroCole goes to 2-0, owes someone named "Big Guns" Ed money, and still needs a Tight End. Falafel still loves his Eagles, doesn't have a Tight End either, and sniffs glue for fun.



Chief of Staff 86.39 Achy-Breaky Assmaster 63.05

In the non-redonkulous division, your humble Commish turns in another consistent performance to turn back the Seaman and move to 2-0 on the season. The Man has won 16 of his last 17 regular season games, dating back to 2006. In loser news, Robby needs a healthy toe (camel or otherwise) for LDT, a Defense for Hanukkah (preferably before), and a Tight End.



Team of Morons 60.90 Seek & Destroy & Suck & Cry 47.73
Wow, really? I mean, really??? Can we all vote to give both of these teams a loss this week? I think we can do that kind of thing in a PLUS league. In a week like this, these two teams just set the mark for futility. Other than Bradley needing a Tight End, I have nothing else to say here. I mean....wow. Just wow.

Peace,
- The Commish

Week 1 Recap

My Friends,

Welcome to the first recapulation of Aught 8! The big fantasy news this week dealt with the horrific ACL injury to a key player. The best player on the team at his position, he'll miss the entire season with the injury, dealing a big blow to his owner. That's right, I'm talking about the crushing loss of Nate Burleson. (What? You didn't think gave a Steve's ass about a player on someone else's team, did you?)

In our league news, though some of the faces might change, the names at the top remain the same. C'mon people! Falafel and the Coles are 1, 2, and 3 already?!? That was fast, even for the lowly standards set around here. Joining us with wins were Sean "Sausage King" Forman with his historic first Chicken Bone victory and Robby "Robby" Friedman with his historic first Chicken Bone victory. But how did it all go down, you ask, pleadingly? Let's recap away...

Chief of Staff 87.07 Lords of Turkey Bacon 80.97
Also historic this week was Maine's first (of many) losses in this league. Despite tasking Michael Turner to anally rape me between the hours of 1 and 4, he got little support from the rest of his players not named Reggie Wayne. Of interest was the fact that Marshawn Lynch outscored Stephen Jackson by roughly the same amount your Commish outscored Maine. Also of interest is that Maine is bald.

Achy Shipmaster 77.00 Wrong Thong 55.20
In the Junior division, Robert Roughed Up Richard to the tune of a 22 point win, with more than half of his points coming from "Big" and "Fast." He's on pace for a perfect season, folks! And as per usual around here, the less said about Rich's team, the better. But more importantly than any of that, I need to state that I do not trust Robby's avatar one little bit. That is one sketchy seaman. Looks like he just fucked a whale. And not the blowhole, if you catch my meaning. (Though I would chip in 5 bucks to have Robby show up to next year's draft wearing that Captain's hat.)

GoodFalafels 79.01 Tom Brady's Knee Is Diseased 43.06
Do you know what's really sad for Steve, other than the usual blah blah blah Tom Brady ACL Season Over Rubber Dildo blah blah blah? It's that even if Brady was healthy the whole game, and even if he matched the 25+ fantasy points McNabb gave Falafel, Stevie still would have lost by double digits. And if Falafel played a dead squirrel at TE instead of Todd Heap, it would have been even worse. ... It's been nice knowing ya Stevie, glad you could join us, and have a nice fall. .. And then there were nine...

I Flunked Flank 100.34 Owner of Morons 51.20
With the high score and the big trouncing of the week, Mr. Brother gets off to a fast start with solid efforts from everyone except the corpse of Torry Holt (who was still better than MFrank's corpse of Isaac Bruce).

Forman's Grillers 77.21 Metallica Rulez! 67.86
He sweated it out for nothing last night, contributed little to our bar trivia team, and didn't realize that Special Teams touchdowns don't count toward defense. And this was Sean, the guy that won! How can we explain that? Oh yeah, Mazzle was so consumed by the thought of the new Metallica album, he forgot to draft a decent fantasy squad. His team includes guys named Larry, Laurence, Laveraneus, and LenDale. What the L?! You can't win with names like that! Also of interest is that Sean is bald.

Onto next week, after which there will be only 2 undefeated teams left, as I play Robby, BrotherCole plays Falafel, and no way The Sausage King goes 2-0 (even if he is playing Maine in "Newbie Bowl I").

- The Commish

Week 15 Recap

Um, like I just said - that sucked. Here's what happened to result in the godforsaken Mazzle v. BrotherCole final we unfortunately have on our hands....

Mazzle 104.69 Sir Chokesalot 55.74

Bradford Mellamazien put on a show this week that ensures no one will forget his name again. Playing the "nobody believed in us" card, he put up a huge snow-aided total and has successfully made it back to lose in the Championship Game. His team had an amazing CG factor, and no team had a shot against him, let alone mine. ... Between snow, injuries, inexplicable ineffectiveness, and plain old bad managing, everything that could go wrong, did. In one week, I managed to get hit with all the bad luck I had avoided all season. It was like watching my pet doberman get eaten by Godzilla. Or something. Anyhow, it sucked, but it was somehow unsurprising. Sometimes the fantasy football gods just don't shine upon you, and I was due.



Flop The Nvts 68.56 Plethora of Piñatas 64.86

In the most uninspiring playoff game of all time, M. Cole earned a 5-4 decision over M. Tamayo. This wasn't a hard one to predict (hi!), as Tamayo without Tom Brady is like women without breasts. Useless. This was lower scoring than Robby in college. So anyhow.... somehow, some way, BrotherCole makes it back to the finals, where he's not only proven how to win, but how to win ungraciously. Oh goody.




Porn on the Cobb 75.38 Karmasabitch 40.98

In the Strobby Playoff spectacular, the latter half of Strobby was anything but. Meanwhile, the former half continues his annual quest for the Jean Shorts of Destiny.

Touchdown My Thong 64.47 Punters on Roids 29.41


Oh, who the fuck cares?






Look forward later this week to Falafel's Championship Preview. Guaranteed to be wrong, or your money back.

Everyone can bite me,
- The Commish

Week 14 Recap

Hey there Michael Cole, Michael Tamayo, and Bradley Malemezian! Congratulations and welcome to the playoffs!!! Though your stay will be short-lived, please enjoy yourselves and be sure to wipe your feet on the way inside Thunderdome. Four men shall enter, but only one (hi!) shall remain. But how did we get here, you ask? The recap shall remind you...



Only two games mattered, so that's all that I'm recapping. I will note, however, that all 4 of us playoff participants scored over 100 points this week. Nobody is backing into the playoffs; in fact, this might be the deepest and strongest playoff field we've ever had.


Oh, and I'll also note that with this week's win, Sir and the Loins set a Chicken Bone regular season record going a gaudy 13-1. So suck on that, people that are named Robby Friedman!


Plethora of Piñatas 122.86
Man of A Million Names (aka Steve) 77.05
In a choke job reminiscent of his college days, Steve got blown out on the last weekend of the season to seal his consolation bracket fate. And while he'll tell you that he's content with a possibility at jean shorts, he's lying more than Thong is about his sexuality. Though he came on strong later in the season, it was an ultimately disappointing year for Steve-o, considering the Adrian Peterson lottery he hit. ... Meanwhile, Mr. Tamayo is an unstoppable juggernaut at this point. He is unbeatable - like Ivan Drago. And he just killed Apollo Steve's season.


Mazzle 115.92
Fassel's Falafels 99.65
In a stunning turn of events, Falafel actually scored more than 60 points. Oh, but Brad scored more. Using a strong balanced attack, Mr. Malemezian showed everyone why he deserves to lose in the first round of the playoffs. He's like the Clubber Lang of this league - he's big and black and wears a lot of jewelry. Also, he's on the A-Team. I hope this analogy was helpful.

Got a meeting to run to, but look forward on Friday to Falafel's Annual Playoff Preview Extravaganza!!!


Cheers,
- The Commish

Week 13 Recap

Well, it had to happen sometime folks. All good things must come to an end, and so it was this week. For the first time in what seems like forever... Falafel has fallen into dead last place in the league. But that's not the only thing to discuss after last night's great MNF game. So a-recapping we shall go....

Tebow For He15man 110.83 Karmasabitch 92.25

In the "Hole Bowl," Steve pulls out a big one. Thanks to his big studs - Cletus and PJ - he is now in a prime position to make the playoffs (and proving that you don't need no stinkin WRs to win in this league). Also, there is no truth to the rumor that Steve sleeps with a Tim Tebow blow-up doll. No truth whatsoever. ... On the flip side of the coin, this is the first and only season that Robby uses the word Karma inappropriately in his team name. Karma has taken offense.

Flop The Nvts 84.79 Mazzle 81.54

It's now time for the annual Mazzle Choke-athon!!! It's like the Toyota-thon, only with less trucks and more sobbing. This past week, all he had to do was beat a BrotherCole, who wanted nothing more than to lose. Unfortunately, neither got what they wanted, as LDT foiled them both. Tune in next week, when Brad tries to do the impossible - lose to Falafel.

Touchdown My Thong 75.65 Punters on Roids 69.51

A kangaroo is a marsupial from the family Macropodidae (macropods, meaning 'large foot'). In common use the term is used to describe the largest species from this family, the Red Kangaroo, the Antilopine Kangaroo, and the Eastern and Western Grey Kangaroo of the Macropus genus. The family also includes many smaller species which include the wallabies, tree-kangaroos, wallaroos, pademelons and the Quokka, some 63 living species in all.[1] Kangaroos are endemic to the continent of Australia, while the smaller macropods are found in Australia and New Guinea. Green Team!

The Barber 88.82 Fassel's Falafels 49.38

Not sure what to say about this one either. Falafel's struggles have been well documented. And MFrank, though flirting with respectability lately, is still 4-9. He's pretty good at racquetball, I suppose.

Plethora of Piñatas 92.06 Sir Loin 83.88
OK, so I lost a close one to the 2nd best team in the league. There's no shame in that.


Happy Hanukkah Everybody!!!
- The Commish