Week 7 Recap

Halfway home homies! We're approximately 50% done with the regular season, so let's see where we stand:

In his inaugural season, The Sausage King is in line for a loss in the first round of the playoffs. And despite his/my craptastic total points, your trusty Commish is also in plenty good shape for a playoff berth. (Side note: I never know whether the Commish should write my recaps in the 1st or 3rd person. Suggestions welcome to him/me.) BrotherCole is also unfortunately also looking at a playoff spot - figuring 8-6 will get ya in this year, he only needs to go 3-4 over the last half. So that's 3 teams. Leaving Mazzle, Maine, and Thong to fight over the last spot, all hovering around .500. (No I didn't forget about MFrank.) And Strobby/Falafel bring up the rear (which is how they like it because they are gay homosexuals who are bad at fantasy football and console themselves by sticking their...well...you get the point.) So that's the skinny (Except for Maine, who is fat. And bald).

Onto the recap! But before the recap, we have a special message for Brother Cole from Wahoo nation:

SUCK IT TAR HEEL!

Chief of Staff 93.74 Exit The Falafel 66.03

Playing Falafel almost feels like picking on the retarded kid at this point. Remember when he used to be feared and respected in this league? (Well, at least feared.) Falafel is No More. This past weekend, The Artist Formerly Known As Falafel put up another terrible score. TAFKAF got nary a point from McNabb, Westbrook, or Jones Drew. It's hard to win when your studs don't produce. In lieu of flowers, TAFKAF requests that you send underage Asian Hookers.

League of Morons 106.94 Turds of Bacon 75.99
MFrank Keeps Kosher and trounces the Lords of Trafe! Putting up over a hund, MFrank won in part from a huge day from the Adrian Peterson, aka Purple Jesus. What this means is that MFrank is officially a Jew for Jesus. ... On the flip side of the shekel, Maine slipped under .500 yet again, despite an even bigger day from Steven Jackson (aka Yellow Moses). Too bad the rest of his team didn't show up. Even Michael Turner (aka Red Buddha) couldn't gain a single yard.

Seek & Destroy 111.08 Robby's Team is Sooo Bad 62.40
Rather than belabor the point that Robby has a very, very bad team who isn't very good and will be lucky to win another game and has a 6 game losing streak and generally sucks ass... rather than belabor that, let's talk about the Mazzle Express. His team is firing on all cylinders now. He's got everything going for him and set up great for the second half of the season: His RBs don't hit women, eat a lot, or get knee injuries. And his WRs aren't mediocre at all! Plus his QB looked awesome this past weekend and repeatedly connected with a stud WR coming back from injury. So everything's coming up Mazzle!

I Flunked Flank 64.49 Del Crappa Vista 62.17
I believe Stevie and BroCole have already said what needs to be said on the message board. But let's not forget that BOTH of these teams put up crappy scores and really neither of them deserved to win. After a fast start to the season, the Flank Flunker has slowed down considerably lately and is not looking so strong. Meanwhile, Steve is lactose intolerant.

Sweeney Thong 113.03 Forman Grilled 71.36
Down goes Forman! Down goes Forman! The Sausage King is bitter that Thong's Chicago Defense scored 22 fantasy points despite giving up 41 points in real life. He's gotta remember, this is FANTASY football. If you want realism, go rent some HD porn. Also, even if Thong got zippy from Chicago's defense, The Sausage King still would have lost by double digits. ... Meanwhile, very quietly, The Thong from Hotlanta is heating up and might just have the best team in the league right now. Or maybe not. What the hell do I know?

See ya!
- The Commish

Week 6 Recap

Hey folks, it's busy as shiz over here at the Commish mansion, so apologies for the belated recap. Wait, scratch that. You can stuff those sorries in a sack. I ain't getting paid for this, so you'll take what you get when you get it and like it. Bitches.

Anyhow, as you can probably tell, I'm still fired up from the weekend's Dolphins Debacle. I threw up in my mouth at the end of that thing, as it was the first game we Fins Fans cared about in about two years, and we had our frickin hearts torn out. (And mostly by a former Hurricane and Wahoo to boot). And speaking of former Wahoos, I'm guessing Thong had an even worse Sunday. But more on that below. For it's time for Recap VI: The Recappening!


Chief of Staff 48.99 League of Shit 38.24
3 Words: Dom. In. Ant. That's right. In another dominating performance, your trusty Commish trounces MFrank by double digits and keeps his stranglehold on 2nd place. You do not want a part of Chief of Staff right now. You do not want any of this. ... OK, fine. This was a debacle. I'm not sure if we set a record for least combined points, but if not, we should have. Bad lineup decisions, bad defenses, bad byes. Swollen egos, swollen reputations, swollen testicles. Injuries, negative points, and hot garbage. You name it, this matchup sucked it. As of about 5:30 PM on Sunday, I had a total of 8 points. League of MFrank didn't have a single player reach 10 points. I could go on, but you get the point. Bottom line: Brandon Jacobs is the man, and despite the downward trend, I'm looking good for the playoffs. And in general. Looking good, that is. :-)


Lords of Bacon 106.76 Meek & Destroyed 89.21
Does Maine have the best team in the league? It's certainly possible. Right now it's between him, BroCole, and The Sausage King. He's putting up a crapload of points every week, even with people on byes. Bradford C. Mallimazien scored decently this week, but he was no match for the power that is Jermaine F. Peguese. He moves back into a 4th place playoff position and nothing can go wrong for him now. Nothing.


I Flunked Flank 89.83 Sinking Shipmaster 78.53
It's so cute when Robby tries to be competitive. He's like a little puppy nipping at your leg. Or crapping on your carpet. Either way, it's just so adorable! .. In other Robby news, we need to stage an intervention. I know you have blinding love for the Dolphins and all, but you can't keep starting Anthony Fassano over Dallas Clark. You can't! I know you had some "logic" for the move, but it needs to stop. We love you man. You can't keep going on like this. I miss my cousin...


Forman's Grillers 93.58 Del Taco 80.96
Everything's coming up Sausage! Even with one Colston tied behind his back, Mr. Forman continues his lifetime chicken bone undefeated record. .. But you want to know a dirty little secret? His team isn't that good. It really isn't. He realistically, should be in about 7th or 8th place right now, if you do all the math. He's a paper tiger, not worthy of a playoff spot, let alone an undefeated record. He's going to lose to the Thong this week, and then lose again, and lose some more, and then keep losing. Those are just facts. Facts and math. You can't argue with facts and math. You just can't.


Enter The Falafel 139.13 Thong-tha-Thong-Thong-Thong 79.83
Meanwhile, speaking of Thong, man did he have a bad Sunday! Not only did his beloved Redskins blow a home game to the lowly Rams, but he got crushed by his so called "friend" Falafel. Then he found out that his stud (and only) QB is out with a stinky picky for the next month. And all this week, he's dealing with crappy QB trade offers from the huddled masses out there in Chicken Bone Land. Not good times. ... In the other corner, Falafel reared his ugly head with a huge score, and is sorta kinda back in the hunt. (That's not the only head he reared, if you get my drift.) (If you don't get my drift, I'm implying that Travis has anal sex with other men.)


Cheers fools!
- The Commish

Week 5 Recap

Hey there, chumps and chumpettes. That was a thoroughly enjoyable weekend of college football for just about everyone not named Robby in the league. Big wins for the Hoos, Tarheels, Panthers, and Gators. (And nobody cares about the Hurricanes these days. How sad is that?). And things were equally festive on Sunday, with the Fins continuing to impress. (I'm naming my next child "Wildcat Cole.") But alas, only approximately 50% of the league could win their fantasy matchups. Time to Live Free or Recap Hard:

Seek & Destroy 73.08 Chief of Cocky 64.00
A Brandon Jacobs start away from remaining undefeated, alas, it was not to be for your trusty Commish. Bradley Charles Malemezian continues his hot streak with a low-ish point total, but a big-ish win. After starting out 0-2, he's now primed nicely for a playoff run. On the flip side, your Commish now realizes his team actually sucks and is in all out panic mode.

Lords of Bacon 105.74 I Flunked Football 97.22
In the barnburner of the week, Maine relied on a big Bernard Berrian performance on MNF to defeat the scourge that is BrotherCole. Also of interest, the term barnburner was derived from the idea of someone who would burn down his own barn to get rid of a rat infestation. So what this means is that BrotherCole is a rat, whom Maine set on fire? Or is Ronnie Brown the fire and John Carlson the rat? Or is Maine's toupee the rat, and BrotherCole's vagina the fire? This is all getting confusing.

Del Boca Vista 92.07 Achy From the Rape 48.16
Stevie is coming on strong! After firing General Manager Turd Ferguson, Steve Rappaport has become the class of the league, winning Strobby Bowl XIV by a healthy margin. His 2 wins in a row over the retarded portion of the league no doubt endeared him to Sarah Palin yesterday, you betcha! (Yes, Steve actually met her yesterday. Rumors of Steve getting a blow job from the VP Candidate are unconfirmed as of press time) .. In other news, Robby was horribly shell-shocked from his Terps getting crushed. (get it? shell-shocked?!? ha!) Anyhow, that's the only explanation I can come up with for him starting Trent Edwards over Big Ben and Anthony Fassano over Dallas Clark. Perhaps he should also fire his general manager, depicted here in this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1Q6h0p6faU

Sweeney Thong 115.92 Moron of Morons 65.74
Thong makes an attempt at league relevance with a bold statement this week. He killed MoronFrank and manged the high point total of the week (which gets him nothing but this pat on the back, but still...). Do not count out the Thong people. He has never looked this strong this late in the season. Watch your ass cracks. .. Meanwhile, I go mentioning Moron Frank in a column last week and this is what he puts up? Now he knows why I don't talk about him.

Forman's Grillers 99.31 The Fallen Falafel 49.78
Another big week for The Sausage King, who is now alone, undefeated, in first place. Falafel, on the other hand, is in dead last place. If not for the big UVA win, I'd call the San Diego police suicide hotline for him. How far he has fallen from the elite of the league. We used to count on you man! What happened!? I have no explanation.

- The Commish

News and Notes

Party People!

In lieu of a proper recap, where I carefully opine on the previous weekends events, instead you get a 4 days late post of late night ramblings that may or may not make any sense. I think that's a fair trade!

- First off I'll mention Mike Frank, who is miffed that I never talk about him or his team. There. Happy now, pretzel boy?

- Next, I must congratulate the only other team aside from myself with a 4-0 record: The Buffalo Bills. Oh, and also the Sean Forman Sausage Grilling Machine. As you all no doubt remember, I predicted Sean to go 4-10 on the season. So congrats on the fast start, Mr. Forman. And I'm sorry that you're going to lose your next 10 games.

- For a matchup of undefeated powerhouses, The Brothers Cole both put up piss poor totals last weekend. Fortunately for everyone in the league that roots against him (9 out of 10 teams), "I Fucked Frank" was piss-poorer. So once again, in the words of Desmond Hume, suck it brothah!

- Fun Fact #1: I have won 18 of my last 19 regular season games. That's a lot of winning.

- Fun Fact #2: UVA lost to Dook 31-3. As I type this post, UVA is beating the Maryland Twerps 31-0. That means that MD would lose to Dook 62-3 (which is exactly the same score my high school football team lost homecoming my senior year). And what does this all mean? Nothing except this: SUCK IT ROBBY!

- Falafel is getting increasingly bitter about everything. Please don't call a press conference. You can get help.

- Mazzle: Congrats on putting up 2 huge weeks to get right back in the thick of things. Too bad you're facing the nightmare that is me this week. "You crawl back in, but your luck runs out-TAH"

- More congrats go to Steve for his first win of the season. I'm sure that helped to couch the blow of another Mets collapse and a Gator upset. Otherwise he might have called a "press conference" on Monday.

- Thong picked the wrong season to stop sniffing glue.

Cheers Bitches! Enjoy your Sundays!
- The Commish

Week 3 Recap

Well, well, well. Before the league stuff, I just need to rejoice for just a sec here: Woo hoo! Dolphins! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Effing Brown!!! Go Effing Fins!!! ... It's been way too long since we Dolphin fans had a chance to be that happy on a Sunday in a non-fantasy way. I had almost forgotten what it felt like. (FYI...damn good.)

Now to league bidness. Things certainly are shaking out early around here. 3 games into the season and already there are three discrete groups of teams - the haves, the have-nots, and the "Steves". The haves, all at 3-0, include the Bros Cole and a surprise expansion team (more about all of them later). On the other hand, the have-nots are already fighting over the 4th and final playoff spot like fish on chips. But enough preamble, lets Recap With a Vengeance:


Chief of Staff 96.50 The Stevie Bunch 51.13
I should really change my team name to something that doesn't have Chief in the title. Because man, the Chiefs are a really baaaad football team. How bad are they? So bad, they're calling Steve for advice. ... Maybe I'll change my name to the Chefs or something. Hmmm..I guess I can call Steve for advice on changing my team name. That's something he's actually good at. ... And Hmmm..I just ended that last sentence with a preposition, but it looks right to me. What else would I have written? "That's something at which he's actually good"? "That which he's actually good is something"? "Steve sucks"? Except for that last one, those all sound worse, not better, dammit. Can't we all just agree that ending a sentence with a preposition isn't necessarily a bad thing and should be legal in our league? I'd like to put this up for a rule change for next year. Oh right, and I also kicked Steve's ass this week wherefore.


Lords of 4th Place 80.87 Leaky Shipmaster 67.48
Now maybe Mr. 189 can quit his whiny, vagina-flapping bitching. In one week, with one win, Maine has vaulted from a winless 8th place to a playoff spot. How? Because those overall points which he was decrying last week are the all-important tie-breaker for this league. I'm guessing he's not going to bitch about anything this week (aside from his poor guitar-playing skills). ... Also, I would be remiss if I didn't point out the obvious in that Maine set an inglorious league record for most points by an individual bench player. Ronnie Effing Brown scored 38.51 Effing fantasy points this week and this was Maine's reaction after each touchdown:

TD1: "Hmm, maybe I should have started him."
TD2: "Damn, I definitely should have started him."
TD3: "Damn! Well at least this helps his trade value."
TD4 (passing): "Damn!!!" (Eyes get all misty, about to cry.)
TD5: (Delirious laughing, rolling on the floor, and then peeing his pants)

Also, Robby loses 2 row and would have been better off starting The Captain and Tennille than Fast Willie and Big Ben.


I Flunked Flank 104.42 Demon Thong of Fleet Street 77.86
Another commanding performance by BrotherCole, who has topped 100 points every week so far and is looking like the team to beat, even with Shockey hurt. At this point, he's expected to win the title, and anything less would be a disappointment. .. On the flip side, once Thong does something interesting in this league, I'll be sure to write about it. Keep me posted!


Seek & Destroy 102.22 Falawful 57.59
Well look who decided to show up! It's the Mazzle Express, hurtling out of nowhere to score over 100 points, almost doubling up the Artist Formerly Known As Falafel. Wow, it must have been Mazzle's birthday yesterday or something. (BTW, Happy Birthday Brad!) Good luck next week, when he tries to win in a non-birthday situation. .. Meanwhile, Falafel should be pleased because his team looks GREAT on paper. They are the paper all-stars. Too bad he got reamed this week (rim shot).


Forman's Grillers 82.51 League of Morons 52.21
Finally, we've reached the nameless expansion team who is somehow 3-0 - Sean "Effing" Forman! Ladies and gentlemen, despite keeping kosher, The Sausage King has come to play! He has showed up into your league and broughten it on. You going to take that shit?! MFrank took that shit this week, and it wasn't even the secret shit. Robby, you get Sean's shit next week. You gonna take the shit back from him?! Don't let him keep your shit. You show him your shit and you win the shit. That's what you fuckin do!


- The Commish

Week 2 Recap

Howdy Folks,

Welcome to Recap 2: Recap Harder! The big news this week was the insanely high scores put up in both the NFL and this league. These scores were higher than Thong's dad on meth. They were higher than Steve "Urkel" Rappaport's pants. They were higher than the commish's hair at his bar mitzvah. So, what I'm saying I guess, is that they were high and stuff.

But how did they get so high, you ask out loud, making your coworkers wonder why you're talking to the computer screen and if maybe they need to report you to the boss on the suspicion of being a lunatic and besides they think you might have stolen their leftovers from the Cheesecake Factory out of the fridge because a half-a-salad doesn't just walk away on its own and go join the Lettuce Navy, because that would be crazy. So, uh, recap anyone?


Forman's Grillers 122.01 Lords of Ham 108.36

The newbies came to play! In the hottest action of the weekend, Mr. Forman takes the Michael Tamayo Memorial Bald Guy Trophy with a huge performance from T.O. on Monday Night Football. Maine technically did nothing wrong (aside from drafting overrated running backs), but he just ran up against a buzzsaw this week. In honor of the Sausage King notching the high score of the week and moving to 2-0 on the young season, I'll note here that Sean is technically "balding" and not "bald". (Just like Maine's mom is technically a "slut" and not a "whore.")


Thong 113.70 The Non-Brady Bitch 93.68

The law firm of Manning, Earnest, and Gostkowski got thrown out of court in this high-stakes trial by fire. The plaintiff, Mr. Richard Spady, won a victory thanks partially to the testimony of a Mr. Romo and the evidence provided by Monsignor McFadden. (Though the argument brought by a one Senior Houshmandzadeh had to be ignored by the jury after finding out that he a) wasn't a US Citizen and b) sucked.) Also, Steve lost because of a priori assumption, consensus facit legem, and de facto habeas corpus esquire. Also, no Tight End.


I Flunked Flank 119.94 Left Hand Falafel 92.29

In yet another barn burner, BrotherCole bested Falafel in this battle of washed-up former champs. BroCole goes to 2-0, owes someone named "Big Guns" Ed money, and still needs a Tight End. Falafel still loves his Eagles, doesn't have a Tight End either, and sniffs glue for fun.



Chief of Staff 86.39 Achy-Breaky Assmaster 63.05

In the non-redonkulous division, your humble Commish turns in another consistent performance to turn back the Seaman and move to 2-0 on the season. The Man has won 16 of his last 17 regular season games, dating back to 2006. In loser news, Robby needs a healthy toe (camel or otherwise) for LDT, a Defense for Hanukkah (preferably before), and a Tight End.



Team of Morons 60.90 Seek & Destroy & Suck & Cry 47.73
Wow, really? I mean, really??? Can we all vote to give both of these teams a loss this week? I think we can do that kind of thing in a PLUS league. In a week like this, these two teams just set the mark for futility. Other than Bradley needing a Tight End, I have nothing else to say here. I mean....wow. Just wow.

Peace,
- The Commish

Week 1 Recap

My Friends,

Welcome to the first recapulation of Aught 8! The big fantasy news this week dealt with the horrific ACL injury to a key player. The best player on the team at his position, he'll miss the entire season with the injury, dealing a big blow to his owner. That's right, I'm talking about the crushing loss of Nate Burleson. (What? You didn't think gave a Steve's ass about a player on someone else's team, did you?)

In our league news, though some of the faces might change, the names at the top remain the same. C'mon people! Falafel and the Coles are 1, 2, and 3 already?!? That was fast, even for the lowly standards set around here. Joining us with wins were Sean "Sausage King" Forman with his historic first Chicken Bone victory and Robby "Robby" Friedman with his historic first Chicken Bone victory. But how did it all go down, you ask, pleadingly? Let's recap away...

Chief of Staff 87.07 Lords of Turkey Bacon 80.97
Also historic this week was Maine's first (of many) losses in this league. Despite tasking Michael Turner to anally rape me between the hours of 1 and 4, he got little support from the rest of his players not named Reggie Wayne. Of interest was the fact that Marshawn Lynch outscored Stephen Jackson by roughly the same amount your Commish outscored Maine. Also of interest is that Maine is bald.

Achy Shipmaster 77.00 Wrong Thong 55.20
In the Junior division, Robert Roughed Up Richard to the tune of a 22 point win, with more than half of his points coming from "Big" and "Fast." He's on pace for a perfect season, folks! And as per usual around here, the less said about Rich's team, the better. But more importantly than any of that, I need to state that I do not trust Robby's avatar one little bit. That is one sketchy seaman. Looks like he just fucked a whale. And not the blowhole, if you catch my meaning. (Though I would chip in 5 bucks to have Robby show up to next year's draft wearing that Captain's hat.)

GoodFalafels 79.01 Tom Brady's Knee Is Diseased 43.06
Do you know what's really sad for Steve, other than the usual blah blah blah Tom Brady ACL Season Over Rubber Dildo blah blah blah? It's that even if Brady was healthy the whole game, and even if he matched the 25+ fantasy points McNabb gave Falafel, Stevie still would have lost by double digits. And if Falafel played a dead squirrel at TE instead of Todd Heap, it would have been even worse. ... It's been nice knowing ya Stevie, glad you could join us, and have a nice fall. .. And then there were nine...

I Flunked Flank 100.34 Owner of Morons 51.20
With the high score and the big trouncing of the week, Mr. Brother gets off to a fast start with solid efforts from everyone except the corpse of Torry Holt (who was still better than MFrank's corpse of Isaac Bruce).

Forman's Grillers 77.21 Metallica Rulez! 67.86
He sweated it out for nothing last night, contributed little to our bar trivia team, and didn't realize that Special Teams touchdowns don't count toward defense. And this was Sean, the guy that won! How can we explain that? Oh yeah, Mazzle was so consumed by the thought of the new Metallica album, he forgot to draft a decent fantasy squad. His team includes guys named Larry, Laurence, Laveraneus, and LenDale. What the L?! You can't win with names like that! Also of interest is that Sean is bald.

Onto next week, after which there will be only 2 undefeated teams left, as I play Robby, BrotherCole plays Falafel, and no way The Sausage King goes 2-0 (even if he is playing Maine in "Newbie Bowl I").

- The Commish