Week 12 Recap

Gobble Gobble folks!  It's the time of the year to give thanks and there's something for everyone in the league to be grateful for.  Fantasy football is the gift that keeps on giving - it's more important than work, more important than friends, more important than wives and girlfriends, more important than children, and definitely more important than world peace.  So let's take a backwards run through the standings and give thanks...

Mike Cole is thankful that his team put up a whopping 177 points this week for no reason whatsoever.  Where on earth did that come from?  He beat Sean's first place squad by 50 freakin points.  This is what he envisioned on draft day, and for one week, it all came together.  Too bad that next draft day all he'll be envisioning is a computer screen and a keyboard as our Auction Bitch. 

Robby is thankful for Peyton Manning.  Because even at 4-8 and even with the Broncos shitting all over the Dolphins Defense, he can appreciate owning Peyton.  If you've never had the experience, I highly recommend it.  It is so goddamn fun. 

Maine is thankful for the end of false hope.  After this week's loss to the Falafel Menace, his playoff hopes are finally 100% extinguished.  He has been put out of his misery.  (Tangent:  What is the opposite of false hope?  You know, when you've honestly and completely given up on winning in a week because you only have 1 player left and you're down way way too much to come back and you don't even pay attention to the Monday Night Game and find out the next morning your guy went ape shit and you somehow won?  So what do you call that?  Anti-Despair?  Reality Reversal?  False Hopelessness?  We need a name for this...)

Thong is thankful for AJ Green's health and to still be alive in the playoff chase, despite losing two in a row.   His roller coaster of a season continues.  He is also thankful for that funny feeling in his pants.

Bradley is thankful for...um...um...Caleb Sturgis?

Steve is thankful for Odell Beckham.  Sure, Beckham isn't on his fantasy team.  And sure, the Giants ultimately lost the game.  But for one shining moment, all was right with the world.  That catch was a thing of majesty - as beautiful as an Everest sunrise or a baby fawn being born.

Falafel is thankful for the return of Josh Gordon and his team peaking at the right time.  I think everyone, including me, is scared to face him in the playoffs.  His team is just that good.

I am thankful for my running backs and not having to travel for Thanksgiving.  Also porn.

Mike Frank is thankful for clinching a winning record this week.  Even if  he hasn't officially secured a playoff spot yet, he's guaranteed to finish above .500 for the first time in recorded history (not fact checked).  To celebrate, he's going to eat 501 pounds of turkey and drink 501 liters of gravy.

Sean is thankful to be in first place with a stacked team.  Other than Falafel's squad, this is clearly the team to beat.  (Though he's still holding onto Vernon Davis for some unknown reason.)  Sean is also thankful for the few remaining hairs on his head.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

- The Commish

Week 11 Recap

Howdy Folks,

Long time, no cap.

Here's a quick list of predictable items around here:
- Steve will go on 3 or 4 massive rants per season
- Robby will ignore everything and everyone for most of the season
- Mike Frank will finish .500 at the end of the season
- Maine will have false hope at multiple points per season
- Falafel will act like a douche-bag at all points per season
- I will get lazy and uninspired around week 7 and stop writing recaps for a while

So let's get to it and see what the non-Heigl state of affairs are around here.  We have three weeks to go in the regular season, and it's all up for grabs....


Falafel 113  Commish 84

It's all falling apart.  Crumbling before my eyes.  I'm getting nothing out of my QB or Defense.  My WRs are Charles Barkley-level Turrible.  My best bad WR is now out 4-6 weeks.  My stud TE is injured too.  My lottery ticket Adrian Peterson just got suspended for the season.  I picked up the Redskins kicker and watched him miss two field goals IN PERSON.

And I watched Mike Evans rape my team, IN PERSON.

Dammit!!! 

My only solace was that the Dolphins and Wahoos didn't have games this weekend.  Because they would have lost too.  Miserable. (But at least the Braves didn't trade Jason Heyward on Monday morning).

I need the regular season to end today, because there's no way I'm holding onto third place for another three weeks.  Scratching and clawing....

Meanwhile...

There once was a tool named Falafel
His fantasy team was god-awful.
But his life was not boring -
For when his girlfriend was whoring
She once took a shit on a waffle


BaconMaine 128  Fudge 113

Nobody saw this coming.  Maine has now won all three games since he kindly guest-wrote the last recap.  He's squarely back in the playoff picture and full of false hope.  He's gonna ride CJ Anderson and Jordy Nelson until their legs fall off.  (I'm also pretty sure that "CJ and Jordy" is a new show on Disney XD.)  ... Robby is still starting Brian Hartline.  Nuff said.


Baldy McBalderson 124  Steve 92

Sean continues his dominance of the league and is now in first place all by himself.  Aaron Rodgers continues to go ape shit, Demaryious Thomas is the only one left for Manning to throw to in Denver, Kelvin Benjamin is the only decent thing on offense for Carolina, Julio Jones is Julio Jones,and Richardson is now the only healthy RB in Indy.  Everything is coming up Baldy!

Meanwhile, Steve is...Steve is...Steve is...hmmm....conflicted?  The Gators lost in excruciating fashion, but Muschamp is finally gone.  His Giants won, but they still have a losing record.  His fantasy team has lost a couple in a row, but his Wide Receivers are still awesome and he's still in fourth place.  He's been listening to the new Pink Floyd album on a loop, but there's only vocals on two songs, one of them by Stephen Hawking.  So, basically, what I'm saying, is who the fuck knows about Steve....


Mike Frank 138  Mike Cole 73
In the 12 annual Mike Bowl, the winner and King of the Mikes is....drumrolll....Mike Frank!  Wow, he might just be for real this season.  It's pretty unlikely that he'll lose three in a row to finish at 7-7, right?  Right?  Good for him!  The playoffs are firmly in his grasp.  Also firmly in his grasp - his mouse!  Because he's reading this on the computer!  And the mouse helps him operate the computer!  Ha!!

Meanwhile, Mike Cole went on a Disney Cruise instead of fixing his fantasy team.  Ayup.


Mazzle 123  Thong 108
The battle of Hotlanta!  Mazzle wins!  And now both of these cats now sit at 6-5 and are right in the thick of it.   Also...also...and also...whew....ok, that's enough recap.  I'm out of recap shape and officially winded.  I'll try to make it through all five matchups next time...


Commish out.

   

Week 8 Recap (guest post by Maine)

I volunteered to do the recaps for Jason this week for three reasons:

1. He asked me.
2. I think he asks me every year.
3. Frankly, if I didn't, I had no reason to watch football this week. (RIP Knowshon Peterson-Cruz III)

Let's discuss the matchups, in order of relevance.

Colonel Choad defeats How High 2

If someone says to you, "Say man, how's your fantasy football team doing this year?", he's really saying ,"Say man, did you or didn't you draft Demarco Murray?" That's essentially the crux of the conversation. Every year, there's a player who outperforms his personal bullshit to a degree that catapults every fantasy owner lucky enough to have him directly into the championship. This year, it's Demarco.  No fantasy team that frequently employs Darren McFadden, the Remains of Antonio Gates and Trent Richardson should be as successful as Sean's is (at this point, I think the actual group Run DMC might have more fantasy relevance than Darren McFadden, and one of them is dead), but Demarco is having that kind of a year. 

That said, Sean and Jason went head to head and it came down to Monday night. Thankfully, Brandin Cooks had a big enough game to stave off the late Demarco charge. Congrats, Commish.

Fire Will Muschamp defeats The Memory Remains

Brad, on Sunday night:

"Alright... let me pull out this Samsung tablet and see how things went for my fantasy team this week.... Oooh, Sammy Watkins... getting that TD... and Mr. Maclin grabs 2 TDs... thank you. That's like... 60 points from 2 guys. I'm feeling good. What did Leveon do? ... Hmm, that half point PPR is looking good right now. No paydirt, but he outscored expectations. How badly did Chris Ivory shit the bed?.... Man, he got 2 touchdowns too? And Gronk somehow got 3 TDs!? Jesus... unless my boyfriend Matt Ryan fell asleep on the job.... nope... that's like, what... 173 points?! Alright. Heads are high. Ride the lightning. Let me log into this message board real quick and talk some shit after seeing how many points I won by................   what............. the................? ........motherfucker."

Steve, on Sunday night:

"That wasn't the deal, Satan!! I said you could have my soul at the end of my natural life!"

Fourme 2 Poupon defeats Guardians of the Thong

Another slow burner with a Monday night final between 2 really evenly matched teams that are waaaaaay too invested in the Washington Football Team and other risky teams to feel good about.

Fortunately for Travis, Luck and Hilton chose this week to have their annual public make out session and the fantasy multipliers paid off. Hopefully this will also be the last week he wastes space on Doug Martin.

Gutterballs defeats BaconCraft

This matchup was over in the 3rd quarter of the Thursday night game when Emanuel Sanders decided to go Madden. In fact, Sanders, Arian Foster and Jamal Charles put up enough points between the three of them to comfortably win the week. Congratulations, Mike Frank. You're the best and smartest. Is that what you wanted to hear?! Does it make you feel better!!?

Frankly, this is what I get for trying to win football games with adult men named Boobie, Jordy, Delanie and Russell on my team. Not to mention 2 guys named Zack. Next year, I'm drafting a bunch of dudes named Craig, Sex Metal and Chainwax instead.

Haunted Fudge defeats New-Bruce

There's humiliation, there's ultra humiliation, then there's "losing to a guy that started two injured Buffalo running backs - one of which is out for the year."  It helps that Larry Fitzgerald finally woke up and that Julian Edelman appears to be the only Patriot who didn't participate in last weekend's statistical gangbang, but still... it can't feel great.

Either way, enjoy the basement championship, Robby. You're the Not-Worst, which counts for something.

- Maine

Week 7 Recap - Power Rankings

Howdy folks,

We're exactly halfway through the regular season, so let's do some power rankings up in here....


10.  Haunted Fudge

Robby is the clear-cut leader for Auction Bitch so far.  He's officially the Oakland Raiders of this league, mismanaging roster beyond all comprehension.  He needs to fire himself immediately and hire Mike Holmgren.  Also, his team name makes no sense.  Also, Fred Jackson AND CJ Spiller both got hurt this week.  Also, he's under investigation by Yahoo for HGH abuses back in the early 90s.  Also, he sucks.

9.  BaconCraft

Maine gets the nod over Mike Cole in the 9 spot, as everything that could go wrong this season for him, has.  He should just change his team name to Murphy's Law of Bacon.  There are easily three guys on his roster he could drop immediately, but he just doesn't have the energy anymore.  He's bitter and numb and all hope is lost.

8.  New-Bruce

Speaking of lost hope, Mike's only goal at this point is to stay out of last place.  Drew Brees has been his downfall.  It's been a steep fall from the glory days, and he's now just a husk of a shadow of a man. 

7.  The Memory Remains

Bradley continues his proud tradition of being in this league.  He consistently starts 10 players and puts up points in a multitude of categories, including, but not limited to: yards, touchdowns, and extra points.  His players have names like "Matt" and "Jeremy."   He has two defenses on his roster and picks the best one to start based on the perceived matchup strength.  He wins some weeks and loses others.  Overall, Bradley indeed manages a fantasy football team in our league.

6.  Thongtastic

You could argue for Rich to be ranked anywhere from 3 to 7.  He has both a 3 game winning streak and 3 game losing streak on the season, so no telling how good he really is or what happens from here on out.  But if he can get AJ Green back and healthy for the stretch run, he may just have a chance.  Or not.  Hell, I don't know and neither do you. 

5.  Gutterballs

No way Mike Frank can be ranked higher than 5, just on general principle.  He will 1000% lose this week - the line is so high, it's off the board in Vegas.  (His roster, however, does have some talent.  If he gets in the playoffs at 7-7, I wouldn't want to play him.)

4.  Shit-Stain

Travis could be feisty down the stretch.  His team is getting healthy, and he has Josh Gordon waiting in the wings.  He has some running back issues, but that's nothing that can't be improved on the waiver wire.  He also has the devastating Luck to Hilton combo.  My bold prediction is that he goes on a major win streak, goes 5-2 in the second half of the season and squeaks into the playoffs at 8-6.  (And that prediction is in no way trying to jinx him at all.)

3. Fire Will Muschamp

Steve-O gets the three spot, as usual.  He's got the best three WRs in the league, but the rest of his team keeps him up at night.  He'll continue to work the wire though to grab the latest third string running back.  And he'll drink himself to sleep with three fingers of scotch.  Scotchy, scotch, scotch.

2.  Colonel Choad

Your trusty Commish  has been doing fine and dandy, but has some question marks.  Wide Receiver is an issue, the Seattle Defense has been terrible, and Julius Thomas is bound to regress the second half.  Should be able to make the playoffs, but there are concerns around camp.  Look for him to make another trade before the deadline to shore up his roster for the last few weeks.

1.  How High 2 - Pgh RBs

And the top spot in the power rankings goes to the top spot in the league - Sean "Sausage King" Forman!  His team is stacked in the back and, going into the second half, is the odds-on favorite to win the whole damn thing.  Seriously - look at his fucking roster!  It's really really good.  (And that, my friends, is the kind of hard hitting analysis you've come to expect from me.)

So, good luck to Sean and to the five other owners I wouldn't mind winning!  (You four others know who you aren't.)

Cheers,
The Commish

Week 6 Recap

Hi Everybody!

I have one semi-interesting observation before we get started.  (And no, it's not about the Dolphins.)

Through 6 weeks so far, the standing are completely aligned with Points Scored.  This means that nobody is bitching about being unlucky with head-to-head vagaries.  It's all completely orderly.  You are what you are. 

It's unclear if this is due to the larger range of point values resulting from the scoring changes.  Or if it's just a product of small sample size and many teams sitting at 3-3.  This will be something to monitor as the season continues.

Now for something completely the same...


Choad 162  Thong 90

Though not making up for the 2012 Chicken Bone Cup loss, this was quite the satisfying smack-down.  Rich is suddenly in a free-fall, all of his pixie dust apparently worn off.  .. Meanwhile, yours truly put up 162, while making all the wrong decisions on starters.  Would have scored about 190 points otherwise.  Sometimes It's So Fucking Easy.


Mazzle 87  Bacon 85

The disaster of a season continues for Maine.  And disaster is an understatement.  He watches the vaunted Cinci Defense be awful again, his old TE score 5 points more than the one he traded for this week, Victor Cruz's knee and career implode on national TV, Knowshon Moreno tear his ACL and be done for the season, and Zac Stacy run for 2 yds at a time and fall down on Monday Night Football.  The result is that he manages to somehow lose by two points in the most pathetic lowest scoring game of the season.   I couldn't make this stuff up!

Could anything else go wrong at this point?   Seriously!  Nothing else could surprise us at this point.  DeSean Jackson getting arrested for killing a prostitute?  Sure!  Russell Wilson goes swimming in a lake and gets his penis bit off by a snapping turtle?  Why not?!  Jordy Nelson winning The Voice and quitting football!  I'd put it at even money!  It's officially ridiculous.....


Shit-Stained Falafel 118   Mike "Bruce" Cole 95

This was over on Thursday Night.

Not even false hope is left for my esteemed brother now.

Meanwhile, Shit-Stained Travis is completely even at 3-3.


Robby 102   Steve 95

Robby "Haunted Fudge" Friedman gets on the board with his first win of the season.  But the bigger story is the disaster of a weekend for our good friend Steve-O.  The Gator game was a travishamockery of a stomach-punch loss.  The Giants completely shit the bed on Sunday Night Football.  And his fantasy team lost to Robby.  Robby!  Good thing he has the new Pink Floyd song to listen to on repeat 12, 239 times; otherwise, we'd all be murdered in our sleep.


Sean 145  Mike Frank  141

Oooooh, this one came down to the last 60 seconds on Monday Night Football.  Brutal!!!  Thanks to a completely and utterly meaningless pick-six, Sean somehow pulled it out.  It was a total heart breaker for Mike, who the universe could not allow to go 4-2.


Cheers,
The Commish

Week 5 Recap

Howdy Folks,

No point in waiting for tomorrow to recap this bitch, as results are pretty much wrapped up here in week 5.   Let's get to it...


Commish over Mazzle

After a strong start to the season, Bradley "is a girl" Malemezian loses her second matchup in a row.  Also of note, spell-check believes that the correction for "Malemezian" is "Megalomania."  And after this week, it sure isn't "Megatron."  Between Calvin Johnson's no-shows and the lack of any RB depth, it might be a long October for her team. ... Meanwhile, Commish is cruising along nicely thanks to consistent play across the board, expert drafting, and boyishly good looks.


New Bruce over Bacon 

Question: What do Bruce Springsteen, Bruce Willis, Bruce Smith, Bruce Hornsby, Bruce Bochy, Bruce Campbell, and Bruce Lee all have in common?
Answer: They're all better at fantasy football than the New Bruce.
P.S.  And you know that Springsteen would just try to draft offensive guards, H-backs, long snappers, and nickel corners because they're the "working class" men of the NFL.  He'd be terrible at fantasy!

Despite all that, for one week, my esteemed brother gets Ben Tate and Eddie Lacy back and all is right with the world.  Mike Cole improves to 1-4 on the season and with one more win next week, he'll still have no shot.  But he will have false hope!

On the flippity flop, Maine's Donald Brown magic has seemingly run out.  Though only at 2-3, he's already running on fumes. Not looking good at all.  Also, he would have been better off starting his mom's cunt instead of the Cincinnati defense.


Steve O my Steve O over Shit-Stained Falafel

Steve has a 70% chance of winning tonight, while Travis, coincidentally, has a 70% chance of being a douche-bag tonight.  But even assuming that Steve holds on to move to 4-1, he must be having a crisis of confidence right now.  His Monte Ball pick is not working out at all, he's flailing at Tight End, and he knows he can't count on 36 points from his defense and kicker every week.  It's no wonder he's been impotent for two and a half years.

And I don't just mean impotent in fantasy football.  I'm telling you that he cannot get his penis erect no matter who he drafts or picks up off the waiver wire.  He can't get off on any of his players, no matter how hard he slaps his roster around.  You wonder why he makes so many transactions?  It's because he's trying to chase that Dennis Northcutt aphrodisiac, but it just isn't working for him anymore.  You wonder why he doesn't show up at drafts?  It's because he's embarrassed that his dick is limper than Robby's wrist.  It's not a coincidence that you can find the words staff, cobb, and ball on his team.  You do the math.  It's sad....


Sean over Thong

On paper, this one was another major mismatch.  Thong (an emerging chicken bone dynasty) vs. Sean (auction bitch supreme).  Well folks, that's why they don't play fantasy football on paper!!!  (Um...I guess they used to, but then we all got computers...er ..never mind...)  Sean kicks the ever-loving crap out of Thong and is officially the surprise team to be reckoned with this year (e.g. 2013 Robby, 2012 Steve).  Like the best porn-stars, his team has a few holes, but he's getting production from every nook and cranny.  Also like the best porn-stars, he's bald. 


Mike Frank over Robby

Enough about MFrank's mediocrity.  Let's talk Robby's team (probably for the last time).  He finally gets a huge week out of Peyton Manning, but continues to mismanage the rest of his roster to comic lengths.  He trots out the corpse of Larry Fitzgerald week after week.  He has both Buffalo running backs on his team, guaranteeing that he'll start the wrong one.  He still has the terrible New Orleans defense employed.  And his Wide Receivers are AWFUL!  Jordan Matthews.  Kenny Stills.  Brian Hartline!  What is he doing?   This year is a lost cause, but hopefully this public shaming (as opposed to Steve's pubic shaming), will do him some good.  There's always next year.  And hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

Lastly, I don't get the "Haunted Fudge" name.  What am I missing here?  What does it mean?  Makes less sense than his pathetic fucking excuse for a roster.
 

Cheers bitches!
- The Commish

Weak 4 Recap

Damn Steve!
Thong goes down.
Mike Frank continues to be Mike Frank.
Sean trades Pirates and Steeler wins for fantasy wins.
Brad and Maine are also in this league.
Travis is a Shit-Stain.
One Cole standing.
Robby = Auction Bitch.