Monthly Recap: The Hunt for Bone October

Howdy Ghouls and Goblins,

It's the end of October, we're 8 weeks into this season, so let's slam a monthly recap and a power rankings together and see what the hell has been going on around here.  Let's goooooooo....

10. Maine (2-6)

Davante Adams bottomed out last night with 1 catch on 7 targets on Monday Night Football, and Maine's team bottomed out with a loss to Robby.  Losers of 3 of his last 4, Maine can't even blame bad luck this year, as he hasn't scored over 117 points all season.  He spent $126 at Auction on Nick Chubb and Davante Adams, and the bloated remains of Aaron Jones.  

It's not going well.

But there's still hope for his team, as I read on LinkedIn that, "Jermaine drives quality performance and instills confidence in those who work for and beside him. He doesn’t see barriers—he sees opportunities and he finds ways to make them happen. I’ve always been inspired by his vision, ideas, and intellect, motivating me to want to reach high and expand my own abilities, insights, and skills. Destined to be a leader may sound cliché, but it’s the truth with Jermaine and anyone who has the chance to work with him will agree." 

So he's got that going for him.

9. Steve (2-6)

After a glimmer of false hope a few weeks ago, Steve just lost his 3rd in a row to drop into 9th place.  Not only that, his beloved Giants choked away a win over the cross-town Jets.  These are actual quotes from my text exchange with Steve yesterday:

"I'm very upset that Matthew Perry is dead but Graham Gano is alive."

"Brian Daboll needs to eat him and then get fired"

"Were we playing Danny DeVito at QB?  No wonder we had -9 passing yards. You can't throw if you can't see over the lineman's ass!"

8. Commish (3-5)  

With 2 wins in a row and the Bengals offense showing signs of life, I am trying to scratch and claw my way back into this thing.  Or at least not finish as Auction Bitch.  But I'm still ranked here below Sean for a couple reasons... a) That bald motherfucker beat my ass a couple weeks ago and b) I am apparently terrible at fantasy football.  I don't know when this happened!  I used to be good at this thing!  I used to make the playoffs almost every year!  What happened to me, man?!?  Either I am past my fantasy prime, or Robby and I are involved in some sort of Freaky Friday body swap situation.  

Seriously, look at this and let's play a super fun guessing game...

Guess the 1 week I started Sutton

Guess the 1 week I didn't start Mixon

Guess who I started at Flex in Week 8 - Smith or Mattison

It's a shit show over here.

7. Sausage (2-6)

Speaking of shit shows, Sean is groping more than Lauren Boebert's date at a Beetlejuice show.  And it might sorta kinda be working?  He's won 2 out of 3 to climb out of the basement, and he put up a league high 154 points this past week.  And he gets a floundering Maine in Week 9.  

Meanwhile, as Movember is starting tomorrow, never forget the time Sean grew a Super Mario mustache:

#NeverForget

5. Thong (4-4) and  MFrank (4-4)

In the least surprising development of the year, the two most mediocre owners in our league are both 4-4.  Let's take them one at a time....

Pretzel Boy has lost 3 out of 4, predictably regressing to the mean after a hot start.  This week he got 2.89 points out of Patrick "Flu-Ridden" Mahomes, wasting a career game from Jahmyr "Jahmyr" Gibbs.  

Side note, as a reply to my last recap and complaint about the league chat, MFrank wrote" It's both terrible and seemingly ranch."  I don't know what "seemingly ranch" means, but it's been haunting my dreams!  

Meanwhile, Thong Boy has won 2 out of 3, predictably regressing to the mean after a slow start.  This week, he won thanks to AJ Brown going nuts on his beloved Washington Football Team, which must have been a confusing feeling for him, like when he used to climb the rope in gym class.  

4. Mazzle (5-3)  

What to make of Brad's team?  He's scored between 111 and 124 points in every week after Week 1.  So he's the very definition of above average, but there's not much ceiling here.  He's kind of like the Jacksonville Jaguars this year.  It's the kind of consistency that will probably get you into the playoffs, but nobody thinks you're going all the way.  Or maybe he's like the Gators, who are also 5-3.  Good enough to make a bowl game, but still getting their butts kicked by Georgia.  Or maybe, he's like the Dallas Mavericks. Luka is great, but they underachieve because their owner is too busy on Shark Tank not buying squatty potties. Or just maybe, he's like the Minnesota Wild.  Sure they're in 4th in the Central Division and might make the NHL playoffs, but there is still a lot of season to go, and their 3rd line is pretty suspect.  Or maybe he's like a little league team but most of the kids are left handed so nobody really knows how to coach them and there's nobody that's capable of  playing shortstop.  Or maybe, he's like a Rubik's cube, but all of the squares are yellow and red.  Better than usual chance of solving it, but it's still probably not happening.  Or maybe he's like a salad bar in the middle of the desert, sure it seems like a good idea, but where did the lettuce come from?  .....um...what was I talking about?  

3. Robby (7-1)

Is this the best, most talented team?  Nope

Is this the sexiest team?  Nope

Is his best player in Justin Jefferson on IR?  Yep

Is he thin at WR and TE?  Yep

Did his only QB Kirk Cousins blow out his Achilles last night?  Yep

Does any of that matter to Robby?  Nope!

He. Just. Keeps. Winning.  

He's 3rd in the power rankings, but first in the standings and first in our hearts.

2.  Falafel (5-3)

Travis has all the goods and got a big win this week over MCole's* Mighty Moses, but still falls just short of the top ranking.  Like Gabe Davis, there's just a little too much boom and bust going on here to overthrow the king.  Last week he lost to Maine for fuck sake.  Maine!  

Speaking of Maine, "Jermaine leads by example and understands what it takes to drive performance and success, focusing on the essentials that create a strong, high-performing team without micromanaging the minutiae. He also has an incredible sense of humor, an encyclopedic mind, and a cheerful approach that breaks down barriers and builds trust."

I just don't get why this all isn't translating to fantasy football success?!  Perhaps Maine could schedule a MS Teams meeting with Davante Adams, in order to better drive his performance.  Perhaps put him on a performance improvement plan?  Could that help?

1. MCole* (6-2)

The King of Fantasy Football.  The man, the myth, the legend.  It doesn't get better than this, my friends.  He drafts amazingly, trades ruthlessly, uses the waiver wire savvily, and sets his lineup judiciously.  Is there anything this man can't do?  I just don't see how he can be stopped.  Hopefully the trophy store near his house will have a discount for him, with all of the engraving he's going to be doing.  We are all just loyal subjects in his kingdom, and we all bow down to The King of Fantasy Football.  

Till next month....

Trick or Treat, Son of a Bitch!!

- The Commish

Monthly Recap: “Wake Me Up When September Ends”

 

Hi folks!

It’s your slacker commish here, finally picking up my quill and scroll, and writing one of these damnable recaps.  I meant to write something earlier, but I spent all of September digesting meat, cheese, and 5000 pounds of hash browns from Draft Weekend. 

In the NFL, we got the Jets and Giants imploding faster than the Mets and Yankees.  (I heart New York!)  The Lions are winning. (Goff for President!)  The Commanders are mediocre (Now with 100% less Snyder!)  Nobody knows if Pittsburgh is any good. (Blame Canada!)  And – more on this later – the Bengals are terrible for some unholy reason. (Fuck Joe Burrow and his fucking family!)

Most importantly, the Dolphins are 3-1 and have packed more excitement into 1 month than Dave Wannstedt did in 5 years.   

But what’s happening around here?  Let’s recap September with some Highlights and Power Rankings….

In Week 1, everyone started slower than Maine running the 100-yd-dash, with nobody but Travis scoring more than 117 points.  After his victory, Travis immediately started arguing with his wife about where in their house they were going to put the Chicken Bone Cup.  Travis said he wanted the trophy on the mantle, while she said she wanted a divorce.  He purposely lost the next week…. Also in the first week, Joe Burrow scored 2.24 points and your Commish lost by 13 points.  But no doubt Burrow will be better…. in Week 2, where Maine lost to MFrank by 4 points while both Nick Chubb and Jamaal Williams went down with injuries. Maine vowed to pay his taxes in 2024, while knowing in his deepest heart of hearts that he never actually will... In other news, JCole beat MCole in the first brother brawl of the season.  Joe Burrow threw 2 TDs, and the ship seemed righted, but then he aggravated his unholy golden calf late in the game. But it’ll be fiiiiiiiiine… Meanwhile, in a matchup of former “roommates”, Mazzle edged Steve…er…I mean to say, Mazzle beat Steve….wait. that’s not right….er…Mazzle finished ahead of Steve….oh no….ok….Mazzle was victorious over Steve in fantasy football in a non-platonic and completely consensual manner.  Ahhhh…that’s better… Also in this week, Robby put up 149 points, thanks to Raheem “One Dollar” Mostert.”  One Dollar!!!  But we knew there would be no way Mostert could keep this up in…. in Week 3, where he totally kept it up.  And fucking then some. The Dolphins put up 70(!) with Mostert scoring 41 fantasy points to carry Robby to a 13 point victory over the winless Steve.  De'Von Achane also went buck wild for the Dolphins/Steve and notched 49(!) fantasy points, but alas, he was on Steve’s bench.  That’s like the time Steve saw this incredibly hot girl at a party, and as she was sexily slinking over to him, he realized it was his first cousin Tabitha.  Beautiful, but not doing him any good and definitely not scoring….  Meanwhile, your trusty Commish put up a juicy 144 points, which was the second most in the league that week.  (Cue sad trombone noise…)  Yep, Thong put up 146 to beat me by 2 points.  But things were bound to get better…. in Week 4, where things got worse. Joe Burrow put up a grand total of 2.81 fucking points and Travis whooped up on me, thanks to 33 points from David Montgomery or possibly Devin Singletary.  To make matters worse, Sausage and I went back and forth all weekend before deciding to swap Javonte Williams for Mike Evans.  Both players proceeded to immediately get hurt in the first half of their respective games.  Sometimes I think this is all just a fucking waste of time…. Meanwhile, it was officially Michael week, with both MFrank (167 pts) and MCole (179 pts) going nuts on Thong and Mazzle….  What will happen in Week 5!?!  Stay tuned mothertruckers!!

 

SHITTY POWER RANKINGS

10. Sausage (0-4).  What a shit team.  Full stop.

9. Maine (1-3). Also a shit team, but with 1 more win than Sausage.  Scratching and clawing.

8.  Steve (1-3).   A shit team, but got his first win and may have gotten a steal with Achane.

7.  Commish (1-3).  The Bengals are shit.  Joe Burrow can eat a bag of dicks.

6. Thong (2-2).  Stars and shit.  Hebert, AJ Brown, Ken Walker and a bunch of hurt/awful guys.

5. MFrank (3-1).  Smoke and mirrors and shit.  Mahomes is sus, Gibbs is demoted, and Wilson is Jet.

4. Mazzle (2-2).  Potential shit here, with Kamara back, Tutu a thing, and Kupp back soon.

3. Robby (4-0).  Some good shit.  Cousins to Jefferson, Bijan mustard, Chris Watson healthy, Mostert.

2.  Falafel (3-1).  Some really good shit.  Tua, Tyreek – need we say more?

1. MCole (3-1).  Some great shit.  Hurts good, CMC amazing, Kelce swifty, J Taylor rising.  Team to beat.

 

Until next time!

-The Commish 

 

 

Hardware and Year End Awards

Merry New Year Everybody!

The vibes are fantastic around here, so it's time to hand out some year-end awards.  Let's tie a black bow around this dumpster fire of a season.  

HARDWARE

Congrats to Sean for taking 3rd place with a dominant performance over the Fighting Moskowitzes.  Sean should be proud of what he accomplished this season!  And he can go out and celebrate with last year's 3rd place winner!  You know....um....that guy we all remember....

And congrats to Mazzle for winning the consolation bracket and taking home the jean shorts, in a major upset over Thong.  He can wear those shorts proud to all of the Florida Gator football games.

And last but not least, a hearty CONGRATS to Mike Cole* for winning his first championship* in over a decade!!!   He may not be most dominant champion* or the best looking champion* or the champion* that smells the best, but dammit he outlasted everyone else.  And there's something to be said for that in this awful season.  Fantasy Football isn't about the having best draft, or scoring the most points, or being the best team at the end of the season.  It is a full season-long, head-to-head grind, that will chew you up and spit you out in new and surprising and heartbreaking ways. Every regular season week counts the same, and the playoffs are a crap shoot.  It is a game of particular skill and maddening luck, in non-equal doses depending on the season, the week, or even the game.  It is UNFORGIVING and GLORIOUS and it's the best game ever invented.  And we will all keep coming back for more.

AWARDS

Best Team Name: Old Dirty Bacon, hands down

Worst Team Name: Polemarch.  What was I thinking?  It's a chieftain or military commander in ancient Greece, but nobody knows that.  Just awful.

Best team name that should have been retired two years ago: Extra Billy

Best Draft Picks:  Mike Frank

Worst Draft Picks:  Maine  Thong

Calmest Draft Picks:  Steve

No Draft Picks:  Seth

Baldest:  Sean

All-time Records:  Fittingly none

Best/Worst/Only Trade:  I think I won this one by a nose:

Najee Harris Pit - RB 

Gus Edwards Bal - RB 

Traded to  Polemarch

Gabe Davis Buf - WR 

Cooper Kupp LAR - WR IR 

Traded to Candygram for Mongo

The Mike Frank Memorial 7-7 Award:  Once again, Mike Frank, who regressed to the mean in the playoffs and finished 9-8.

Mr Irrelevant: The Commish, in so many ways

Poster of the Year:  In a hotly contested race, I'm gonna give this one to Falafel.  Travis was all over the place on the message board this year- bragging, throwing bombs, being bitter, and weighing in constantly with his very Falafel-like opinions.  Congrats Travis!  Your mother will no-doubt neigh loudly with approval.

And lastly, we come to a new award - Bitterest Owner : 10-way tie.  An ode....  

This season sucked,

so let's count the ways

that we're all very bitter,

these dark winter days.

So bitter was Steve, 

for he finished last.

It started quite poorly 

and went downhill fast.

With posts of pure rage, 

a fit did he pitch.

But nevertheless, 

he's still Auction Bitch.

So bitter was Jason, 

his team was quite boring,

then Kupp went down,

and so did his scoring.

After twelve weeks, 

he still had false hope.

After fifteen,

he felt like a dope.

So bitter was Maine,

way down in his joints,

he finished in eighth,

but scored the most points!

He lost by a little, 

he lost by a lot,

high scoring and low,

it all was for naught.

So bitter was Travis,

flying high in first place.

Six losses later, 

he tumbled from grace.

No repeat for him,

no pie in the sky,

missing out the playoffs, 

falling just one win shy.

So bitter was Rich,

never much in the game,

he set his sights lower,

jean shorts he did aim.

But alas he fell short,

with a finish of six,

So pants he must wear,

while turning his tricks.

So bitter was Brad,

in so many ways!

Ranting and raving,

for days upon days.

For a six-and-nine team,

he became quite the scold.

While first in his bracket,

he wasn't consoled.

So bitter was Frank,

in first for a while,

flamed out in the playoffs,

by a big country mile.

As is his wont, 

he's stayed mostly calm,

but one day he'll lose it,

and explode like a bomb.

So bitter was Sean,

one move from glory.

He lost in the semis,

in another man's story.

Though what could have been, 

he overachieved

He scored the least points, 

and shouldn't be peeved.

So bitter was Robby,

his luck was the worst.

On that fateful last night, 

two hearts didst burst.

Anything could have happened,

he'll just never know.

His hope of comeback,

wrought a tale of woe.

So bitter was Michael*,

though he won the whole thing.

But the way it went down,

has still got to sting.

He scratched and he clawed,

the best at the game.

An asterisk laid,

at the end of his name.  

Till next time, bitches.

- The Commish

Playoff Possibilities and Shit

Hi folks,

What a difference a couple weeks make.  Ask me or Falafel.  Or our Lions and Dolphins.  Or Brazil and England.  

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Speaking of missing, things, 5 of us are officially missing the playoffs with 1 of us to go.  Let's see where we're at, shall we...

Auction Bitch Sweepstakes

There are a whopping 5 teams all at 6-8 - Steve, Mazzle, Maine, Thong, and Commish.  That's more below average teams than the NFC South.  With Maine and Thong facing off in the final week, at least one of us will finish at 6-9.  So just win and you're not the Bitch.  Anyone who loses will have to duke it out on points with the loser of Maine/Thong.  

Side note #1: The worst thing about fractional points is that there are never any ties anymore.  I miss ties.

Side note #2: I predict that Steve - after dominating for the last 3 weeks - will lose this week and still be Auction Bitch.  I also predict that he'll drown his sorrows with scotch and a sloppy blowjob from one of those giant South Florida iguanas.  

Playoffs?  Playoffs!

Congrats to Moskowitz!  At 9-5, Mike Frank is in!  And he'll be the 1-Seed with a win this week.

Everyone else is just holding on for dear life.

MCole, Robby, and Sausage are all 8-6, but one of these things is not like the others.  Sean is like 200 total points behind (btw, Fuck You Sean!) so he'll lose any tiebreak.  So he'll be in some trouble if he loses.  But with these three it's simple - win and they're in.  (MCole and Robby have some wiggle room with losses.)

Lastly, Falafel.  Wither Falafel.  He's lost 6 in a row, but that doesn't mean a damn thing this season.  He's 7-7 and still has a shot at the playoffs.  He'll need a win and some help.  Lose and he's out.

Well, that's the shit.  This has been a fucked up season for the ages.  I expect nothing less this last week of the season.  

Happy Hanukkah everyone!

- The Commish

Week 12 Recap

Howdy Folks!

Ima gonna try to recap this week, but like you, I'm not sure what the hell is going on this season.  Some analysis of Week 12....

The worst teams this week were the best.  7 out of 10 teams scored between 113 and 124 points.  Only 2 teams started a Tight End that they drafted.  Quarterbacks were responsible for a whopping 28% of everyone's total points.  Everyone's WR3 starter only scored an average of 5.62 points.  And lastly and very weirdly, starting Kickers born in Canada or Cuba - on average - outscored Kickers born in the United States by more than double. Strange times indeed.  

Let's recap!

123.83 Polemarch 6-6-0 | 6th def. 78.71 Extra Billy 7-5-0 | 4th  

Does this story sound familiar?  So for the whole season I start DJ Moore, who has been a complete bum.  I finally get sick of him and stick him on my bench only to see him explode for 100+ yards and a TD.  Like Kenny Rogers always said, you got to know when to start em, know when to sit em.  Know when to trade a dude, know when to cut.  You never count your points, when you're sitting on a Sunday.  They'll be time enough for counting, when Monday's done.  Also, don't get a face lift from a blind plastic surgeon. Also, roasted chicken is tasty.  

114.36 Sausage Factory 7-5-0 | 5th def. 113.96 Old Dirty Bacon 5-7-0 | 7th 

Sean's craptastic team won yet again, eking out a narrow 0.4 point win against the fading Maine.  Fuck you Sean! How have you won 5 in a row?!  I hope you choke on that sausage!  

Maine had only himself to blame for starting a Gay kicker on the Rams.  Not because he was Gay, mind you, but because he was on the Rams.  I'm not offensive!  The Rams offense is offensive!

155.47 The Four Horsemen 4-8-0 | 9th  def. 121.66 Scotch & Thong 5-7-0 | 8th

Mazzle was so excited about his big win this week, he was dancing with a group of little children.  For real.  I have the video, but am saving it for a special occasion.  Also, Josh Jacobs FTW!!!

Thong is fading out of the playoff picture with the loss.  How he does the next 3 weeks will determine whether he finishes in 5th or 10th.  Also, he still has $51 to spend in FAAB. He's 5-7!  What is he saving it for, Christmas presents?  His kids are going to hate that....

147.88 My Potato Hole 4-8-0 | 10th def. 116.54 Jamie Tartt's Better Than You 7-5-0 | 2nd 

Steve, quote of the week: "Benches are for pussies!"   An incredible performance in this topsy-turvy season, saw Steve cut his entire bench on the way to a rout of the first place Falafel.  Who need a bench when your starters put up a 147 spot?  Maybe this is the new best strategy for fantasy football?  Put pressure on your starters to perform?  Is this some type of Moneyball shit?  I don't know, but I love it!

Meanwhile, after 4 straight losses, what place is Falafel in now?  Ask his incredibly intelligent mother, and you'll get a "Clomp, Clomp!" with her hoof.  Let's not count him out though.  We counted him out for the entire 2010s and look what happened last season, after a mere dozen years?!  But for reals, he's still in 2nd and we see how quickly things change around here.

124.13 Moskowitz Syndicate 8-4-0 | 1st def. 121.44 Candygram for Mongo 7-5-0 | 3rd

My faith in MFrank in raking him #1 in the Power Rankings last week was rewarded this week when he was the only top 4 team to pull off a win.  In the battle of the Mikes, he prevailed by a pretzel width. First place baby!  Pretzels and Champagne and Hookers all night baby!  That's how Mike rolls!  

Meanwhile, MCole should have totally started Christian Watson instead of Christian Kirk.  If he started the right Christian, he would have won.  This is the kind of mistake that happens when you let Jews run fantasy football teams. 

And on that note, I'll share that I made up most of those stats at the top and Robby didn't even notice.  I'll also share my opinion that the Dolphins are going to get their asses kicked in San Francisco this Sunday.  That is all.

Good luck in December everyone!  We're all going to need it!

- The Commish

Thanksgiving Power Rankings

Howdy folks!

Hope everyone is feeling awesome sliding into Thanksgiving and, like me, doing as little of my actual job as possible today before taking off the rest of the week.  Around these parts, we have 4 weeks to go in the regular season and Everything is Up For Grabs.  Things are grabbier than a clickbait headline about what the Swedish Bikini Team looks like now.  

Only 2 games separate 1st and 8th place, all 4 teams in playoff position are 7-4, and even the 9th and 10th place teams are all tied-up for Auction Bitch.  Everybody is flawed and no team is running away with it this year.  It's tighter than Falafel's mom when she was a filly.  

So let's do a proper Power Rankings, for reals this time, in order of likelihood to make the playoffs.  I'll even make up scientifically calculate some playoff odds for good measure, since I've been such a slacker this year.  

Side note, in looking at everyone's teams....boy are we all scratching and clawing to field a viable starting lineup!  It seems like we're all just making things up on a week-to-week basis. 

Anyhow, enough preamble.  Let's do it....

10 My Potato Hole  (Playoff Odds: 0%)

It's another lost season for Steve-o, who kept his shit together with the draft auction, but completely lost his mind with free agency and FAAB.  He's down to Mark Andrews, Justin Jefferson, and a bunch of spare parts.  Unless ridiculous catches from Jefferson are worth 100 points, he's looking down the barrel of Auction Bitch (and probably down a barrel of scotch too).

9 The Four Horsemen  (Playoff Odds: 0%)

Mazzle's team isn't terrible!  I mean it's not great, but it also isn't good.  But it isn't terrible!  It's just regular bad.  He's got a healthy Keenan Allen back, Jalen Hurts rockin it, and Jonathan Taylor playing better with Coach Saturday blocking for him now (or something).  But he's 3-8 and now without his boy Kyle Pitts, it's just not happening.  

8 Sausage Factory (Playoff Odds: 18%)

How has this team won 4 in a row?!  How is this team 6-5?!  What devilry is this?!  Even though he's sitting at 5th place in the standings, I can't rank Sean's craptastic team higher than this.  Fuck you Sean for being higher than me in the standings!  He's barely scored more points than Steve, for fuck sake!  Sure, he's got Dak/CD/AJ/Devante, but it's hot garbage behind that!  He's not making the playoffs.  I stake my reputation on it.  

7 Polemarch (Playoff Odds: 19%)

This might be too high for my team, as I've lost Cooper Kupp, Josh Allen has a bum elbow, and DJ Moore is in the Witness Protection Program apparently.  But I'm suddenly stacked at Running Back, Chris Olave is a stud, and after winning for the first time in 5 weeks, I'm full of frothy false hope.  It's all probably too little, too late though...

Quick Digression: In trade discussions with my esteemed brother last week, in no surprise, he tried to convince me that Cole Kmet was an upgrade for me over Pat Freirmuth.  So we now - after a contentious back-and-forth with me shaming him - have a $20 bet about who scores more fantasy points the rest of the season, per games played.  Current score:

Freirmuth: 11.90

Kmet: 5.00

6 Old Dirty Bacon (Playoff Odds: 26%)

Now we get into the realm of folks that can actually make the playoffs.  But still probably not.  Maine's team is 5-6 and legit good.  Nuk Hopkins is back, CMC is on a great offence, and Jamaal Williams just scored another touchdown even though it's Tuesday and his game is over.  I would NOT want to face Maine in the playoffs.  I also wouldn't want to play off Maine's face.  

5 Scotch & Thong (Playoff Odds: 29%)

Thong is strong.  See above note for Maine, and just sub in Thong's players.  Everything else holds.

4 Extra Billy (Playoff Odds: 69%)

The Top 4 are the Top 4.  Not because their teams are better, mind-you.  Just because they have more wins.  And when you have more wins, you tend to have a better chance of making the playoffs [Citation Needed].  Speaking of inferior 7-4 teams, hi Robby!  Humberto is relying on Joe Burrow, Travis Kelce, silly putty, and duct tape.  Woof!  If there's any team that is likely to fall out of playoff position, it's this one.  

3  Jamie Tartt's Better Than You (Playoff Odds: 77%)

Beneath the bluster, Falafel is sweating after losing 3 in a row.  Tua and Waddle are awesome (love em!) but they are due for regression and cold weather games against better teams.  Juju has a lot of competition for targets in KC.  Rhamondre will get fewer carries with Harris back from injury.  Justin Fields is hurt.  Schultz doesn't catch TDs.  For a "first place" team, there are a lot of flaws here.  Oh baby, if Falafel collapses and misses the playoffs, I would objectively have no opinion as the official and upstanding commissioner of this league.  

2  Candygram for Mongo (Playoff Odds: 80%)

Now we enter the realm of teams that can actually win this whole damn thing.  Mike Cole's team has less depth than Mike Cole as a person, but his starting lineup is pretty ok!  Mahomes. Davis, Kirk, Godwin, Watson.  Mixon, Walker.  Hockenson.  These are some names that can do juuuust enough to maybe, if things break the right way, win the whole damn thing.  And if Mike Cole won it all, that would be a damn thing....

1   Moskowitz Syndicate (Playoff Odds: 82%)

Moskowitz?  Moskowitz?  Moskowitz!!!    Mike Frank's Fighting Moskowitzes have some skillz!  Hebert, Amon-Ra, Deebo, Barkley, Chubb, Pollard.  These guys can win you the Cup.  Sure his team has holes, but who doesn't?   He's in prime playoff position, and, by the width of a pretzel, claims the top spot in the Thanksgiving Power Rankings.  Gobble gobble Mike and congrats!

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Bonus!  Commissioner's Power Ranking of Thanksgiving Sides:

10. Gravy

9. Sweet Potato Casserole

8. Cornbread

7. Mac and Cheese

6. Sweet Potatoes

5. Green Bean Casserole w/ fried onions

4. Dinner Rolls

3. Stuffing

2. Cranberry Sauce

1. Mashed Potatoes.

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Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

- The Commish

Ugggghhhhh....Week 9 Recap and Power Ranking

Ugh.

I know it's been a few weeks, but I want to write one of these recaps about as much as the Dolphins want to tackle Justin Fields.  Which is to say, apparently not at all.

So here's a rambling bullet-point recap of Week 9...

• The top 3 teams in the league all lost.  Seems like things are up for grabs even more than usual around here.

• I lost for the 3rd time in 3 weeks, by 38 points to Thong.  That's just embarrassing. Thong paid $4 to pick up the New England defense while I cheaped out and went with Minnesota instead.  That was a 40 point swing right there.  Sometimes it's the little things that get ya.  If Josh Allen's elbow is busted, I'll see you all next season.  

• Thong is in 5th Place, a.k.a. Jean Shorts Place, a.k.a. Thong Memorial Place.  I bet if you did the research - which I never will - historically, Thong has spent more time in 5th and 10th places than all other places combined.  

• Robby put up a week low 75 points and has lost 2 in a row, but still stands in 3rd place.  He hasn't won since he ran and completed the Marine Corps Marathon last Sunday morning.  Coincidence?  Probably!  But congrats to him anyways!

• Maine kicked Robby's ass, in large part to Tyreek Hill.  And Robby was kind of ok with that actually.  

• Sausage 85.01 - Mazzle 84.84.  Wow, this one was closer than the 1973 Kentucky Derby, where Travis's mom lost by a nose. ... Sausage is in 8th Place at 4-5, just hanging around, hanging around.  Kid's got alligator blood. Can't get rid of him.

• Also, Mazzle has been bitching about all the points scored against him this season, but even looking at 85 points on the other side of the table, he couldn't get it done.  Mazzle is stuck in Auction Bitch place, and he's out of excuses.

• OK, now we come to Michael Cole, who is itching for this recap more than that time in college when he got crabs from the UNC men's volleyball team.  Though he put up 193 and beat Travis this week, Michael still missed out on the all-time points record, which actually came against him. In Week 10 of the 2018 Season, Travis beat Michael 196-84, which, in addition to the all-time highest weekly point total, is also still the all-time largest margin of victory.  Now that's how you dominate someone....

• And last but not least, Mike Frank had half his team on bye.  Even against Steve, that wasn't going to end well.  And it didn't, to the tune of 75 points and a resounding thud.  The surprising part was Steve putting up 141 points for NO REASON WHATSOEVER.  Well I guess his players had lots of yards and touchdowns, but except for that, NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

And that's a recap everyone.  

And here's your Power Ranking:

1. Marvel's The Avengers (2012)
2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)
3. Avengers: Infinity War (2018)
4. Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
5. Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)
6. Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
7. Captain America: Civil War (2016)
8. Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
9. Avengers: Endgame (2019)
10. Iron Man (2008)
11. Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019)
12. Ant-Man (2015)
13. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
14. Thor (2011)
15. Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
16. Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
17. Doctor Strange (2016)
18. Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018)
19. Iron Man 3 (2013)
20. Captain Marvel (2019)
21. Black Panther (2018)
22. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)
23. Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness (2016)
24. Black Widow (2021)
25. Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)
26. Thor: The Dark World (2013)
27. Iron Man 2 (2010)
28. The Incredible Hulk (2008)
29. The Eternals (2021)

Cheers,

The Commish