Week 1-2 Recap: "Forget Phoenix"

Howdy folks.

I'm finally back to bidness around here and doing some good ol fashioned recapping. So what the hell has been going on around here since Phoenix? Let's take a stroll through some headlines:

Week 1 Game of the Year: Mazzle 88.99 Sausage King 89.77
One week in, and we already had a matchup decided by less than a point. Bradley carried over his playoff magic from last year and willed Ryan Gran's ankle to buckle like a midget Thai hooker. His team looks poised to go 8-6. .. Meanwhile, the only "Brandon Jackson" Sean was able to pick up was a big dude wearing fishnets in Southwest DC. Still, his team bounced back in week 2, and looks suspiciously like an 8-6 squad.

Not a Single Season Fluke?
If you're like me, you're thinking to yourself - "Wow, I'm pretty frickin awesome." But another thing you might be thinking is, "Hmmm...is there a chance that Robby's dominant season last year wasn't just a crazy fluke?" Apparently there might be! The esteemed Humberto Feldman Esquire is a robust 2-0 and sits a top the 4 (very Jewy!) league leaders. He's led by Peyton Manning and the Manning-ettes, with big contributions from Darren McFadden of all people. Despite all this, I think he's headed for trouble and a final record of 8-6. Don't go chasing waterfalls, Robby.

I'm hot/then I'm cold
144/65. Week 1/Week 2. Same exact players both weeks. This is why I love/hate fantasy football. And Katy Perry. .. I'm good though. 8-6 should be no problem for my team.

Thong and Frank: Jacksonville 1-1
In the new upcoming movie from Warner Brothers, Richard "Thong" Spady and Michael "Frank" Frank are mismatched, renegade, buddy cops let loose on the mean streets of Jacksonville, FL. They fight crime, have comic misadventures, bed ugly women, and are
utterly average at Fantasy Football. (They'll both still finish 8-6 though.)

Suckitude
Thy name is Steve (completely over-prepared for the draft) and Falafel (completely under-prepared for the draft). I still predict that they'll both come back from 0-2 to finish 8-6.

Lemon Fury
The once and former champ is 2-0 on the season, with a team that scares nobody. He'll finish the season 7-7.

Cheers betches,
- The Commish


P.S. A programming note - the recaps will be even less reliable than usual this year, with life and work generally kicking my ass on weekdays. But I shall do my best to keep the masses entertained somehow. Just remember - you get what you pay for.

Playoff Recap

Hot Damn! That was some action yesterday...

***The Indefatigable Wanstaches 100 Ex-Champ 50

In the undercard, the BrotherHoles were finally vanquished after all this time. And it took a juggernaut to do it. (Though pretty much anyone could have beaten BroCole with that pathetic score he put up.) The Wanstaches are flying on all cylinders and cruise into the finals with an easy win. 2 big Robby questions remain for next week's final - 1) Will Peyton play and how much? and 2) With a team so deep, will Robby make the right lineup moves next week? And will it even matter? Stay tuned, as we haven't seen this kind of supposed dominance around here for a long time. Congrats to Robby for making it this far - who would-a-thunk it?


***Mazzle 78 MFrank 77
Holy Shitburgers!!! This one was nuts!!! In the craziest playoff game in league history, Bradley somehow edges the feisty Mike Frank by a single point. I mean, Brad did everything he could possibly do to lose in the playoffs, and he was on total life support heading into last night. Consider this - yesterday in the NFL, Jerome Harrison ran for 286 yards (3rd most in NFL history) and Big Ben threw for 502 yards (10 most in NFL history). And BOTH of them - and their 65 combined points - were on Brad's bench. Plus he started Michael "Gimp" Turner, who ran one time, then promptly left for good. This was classic Brad in the playoffs. He was done after the 4:00 games. ... But last night, Mike Frank saw DeAngelo Williams go down hurt in the 1st quarter and Sidney Rice fumble late. Then Steve Smith went Ape Shit for Brad, and the rest is history. It was a Christmas Miracle! Congrats to Mike Frank for making it this far and getting his competitive pretzels all nice and riled up for a change. And Congrats to Bradley for exorcising his Playoff Demons (at least for one week).

Good luck to Brad and Robby in the Final!!! (And start buttering up your wives now, as one of you will be putting the Chicken Bone Cup on your mantel for a year, and I can tell you from experience that they'll hate it and think it's ugly, but it won't matter because it's going up on display dammit, because you earned it!!!)

- The Commish

Week 13 Recap

(Thanks to BroCole for putting this together, as life is kicking my ass this week. And any mistakes are his, as no fact checking took place. Good luck to everyone still alive!)

Here's your recap . . .

Dolphins keep hope alive for another week. Gators get their asses kicked. Texas gets lucky.

As far as fantasy football goes, no one cares what happened last week. The only thing that matters is who's in the playoffs.

Scenarios:

Brad is in. If he wins he will be the 1 seed. If he loses with a Robby/Mike win and a Robby/Mike loss then he will be the 2 seed. If he losses with both Robby and Mike winning then he will be the 3 seed.

Robby: Based on his high point total, he's in win or lose. He can be the 1, 2, or 3 seed with the 4th seed very unlikely. Regardless, Robby is in.

Mike: Again, based on his high point total, he's in win or lose. Like Robby, he can be anywhere from the 1 seed to the 4th seed.

Steve: Win and he's in. A Loss and he would need both Mike F and Travis to lose.

MikeF: A Win + a Steve loss + a Travis loss or a Travis win without Travis outscoring him by 35.32

Travis: A Win + a Steve loss + a MikeF loss or a MikeF win but outscoring him by 35.32

Everyone else is on the outside looking in.

Week 12 Recap

Howdy Folks - Welcome to the homestretch! Things are coming down to the wire around here (and that's not even including the very pregnant Mrs. Commish). The next two weeks will be key for everyone but the following people who are D-U-N done: Me; Maine; Baldy McMoustache; Bobby Bowden; Al Groh; The Entire Miami Dolphins Football Team; Turkeys. As for the contenders, let's recap...

Commish 88 Falafel 69
I almost listed Falafel among the D-U-N, after this lifeless performance. Even at 6-6 and 1 game back, he's hard to take seriously. He easily has the worst running backs in the league and he left his GM skills back in 2006. I really can't see a way he makes the playoffs, given the circumstances. ... Oh, and I realize I don't have a joke here. Travis's team will have to suffice.

Thong 99 Maine 75
Losing Matt Ryan about 5 seconds into the game certainly didn't help Maine, but then again, neither did anything else he did this year. So let's turn to the man in the golden Thong. Richard Spady is hanging around in his usual 5th place, trying to make the playoffs for the first time. He has an uphill battle the next 2 weeks, but stranger things have happened to him. Like that time in downtown Atlanta when he picked up that male hooker only to get him back to his place to disappointingly find out he was a chick.

Hump Or 98 Creeping 79
And Mazzle, despite the loss, becomes the first team to officially earn a playoff berth. Now he can start stressing about his week 15 lineup. Meanwhile, BrotherCole wins to virtually ensure that he'll get into the show. And I never thought I'd write the following sentence: Both of these guys will be jockeying to avoid playing Robby's team in the first round of the playoffs. And yes, it must be 2012, because the apocalypse is officially upon us.

Good Dane 85 Shaved Sausage 74
Glad things are back to normal around here. Mike Frank moves to an even 6-6, thanks to Drew Brees going ape shit yet again on Monday Night. In other non-related news, Tom Brady got exactly 0.87 points for Sean. So, Mike Frank is still hanging around the playoff race, but I don't think that a 7-7 record will be enough to get in. .. Meanwhile, now that Sean has shaved his Movember Moustache, I can go back to making fun of him for being bald.

Strobby 85 Strobby 67
Robby beats Sarah Palin handily this week in Strobby Bowl XXIX, winning his 4th in a row and solidifying his unofficial title of team to beat in the playoffs. He's just gotta hope that Colts don't decide to rest Peyton too soon. Meanwhile, Sarah has to hope she has enough left in the tank to hold onto that last playoff spot. She is hurting big time at RB, but will at least get Ced Benson back this week. Also, she heard from Brenda Warner that Kurt will be back playing this week too. And Big Ben will be back throwing to Hines Ward. So things are looking up for her.

Enjoy December folks! There's plenty of football left to be played!

- The Commish

Week 11 Recap

Howdy Turkeys! Gobble, gobble, motherfuckers!!! After a week absence dealing with work, a sick child, a very pregnant wife, and the end of my fantasy football season....the recap is back in Full Monty. But you don't need me to read the fucking standings for you, unless you're an illiterate motherfucker like Mike Frank. So let's go inside baseball on your asses. What the hell has really been going on around here? Well, let's see, shall we.....

The Extendables 200 Commish 50
So Mainerd decides to put up his highest total of the year for no reason whatsoever, other than to kick a Commish while he's down. I'll remember this, dude. When Fat Bobby gets back from that leper colony, you're the first one to go. .. Meanwhile, I'm not sure there's ever been a case of this, but if you look at my starting RBs vs my bench RBs, I not only started a wrong guy, but I started all 3 wrong guys! Every single one of them..wrong! So not only am I weirdly carrying 6 RBs, but I'm made every conceivable wrong decision you can make with them - a suboptimal lineup. I'd feel worse if Maine wasn't 2-9.

The Merkins 144 Oopsmyteamsucksass 44
OK, now we're getting to the nut-meat of the league. Robby is indeed embracing the spirit of Dave Wanstache and feeding Ricky the ball to impressive regular season results. He is once again topping the league in total points and back in playoff position. What's scary is that Robby put up 113 points this week and Adrian Peterson was his 2nd worst scoring player. This team is stacked in the back and he should thank Harriet for an ass like that. .. Meanwhile, how the hell is Falafel beating anyone this season with that assortment of chumps and chumpettes?

Creepy Breath 99 Richard Spady 66
I feel sorry for Brad this year, I really do. I've been there, dude. It's just no fun winning all season only to lose in the playoffs. At least when you're scratching and clawing to make your books and get into the show, there's some excitement. But it's been a foregone conclusion that Brad is making the playoffs this year and he's just boringly waiting around to get beat when it counts. And like Rick James says, the waiting is the hardest part. (The second hardest part is losing when you've been winning for 3 months.) (And the third hardest part, as Joan Jett says, is linoleum.) ... Meanwhile, I really like to use the word meanwhile as a transitional device. Also, please raise your hand if you have already put in a waiver claim for Rock Cartwright and your name rhymes with Scmitchard Schmady.

Chump or Bitch 71 Juan Valdez/Super Mario/Jim Garner 68
This one was a big-time bra burner, yo! This one came down to blah, blah, blah. Who the hell cares? Can we just get to the mocking of BrotherCole for his brilliant decision to pick up and start the Detroit Lions defense? Can you say, "Too smart for his own motherfucking good."? I bet you can! The Lions defense netted a grand total of -3 points. That's a minus 3! Bizzaro Reggie Miller would be proud! "Me am shooting a negatory 3 pointer! Me is happy!" ... Meanwhile, in other news, BrotherCole started the Detroit Lions defense under his own free will. He even tried to talk me into doing the same thing in my other league, but I wouldn't be tricked. I mean, who does that? It's even worse than growing a moustache.

The Dutch Oven 90 The Zombie Kennedys 88
The Steve-mobile hit a sizable bump in the road on his way to the Chicken Bone Cup, as he lost Ronnie Brown for the season and the clock struck midnight on Cedric Benson. Is this week's narrow loss a blip on the radar or a harbinger of doom? Is it a fly in the ointment or a turd in the punchbowl? Is it a molehill or a mountain? Is it thin Oprah or fat Oprah? Is it Steve's penis or his girlfriend's penis? Only time shall tell.... Meanwhile, Mike is plump, happy to be back near .500, and ready for his Franksgiving holiday.


Have a Happy Turkey-day everyone! Safe travels, cooking, sleeping, and fornicating!

- The Commish

Week 9 Recap

OK, you wanted some gay poetry around here? You got it!!!!



Cobra Commander 106.51 Cleveland Browns 94.43

There once was a man named Sean
Whose loss was already foregone
So he took his sad pride
And sat down outside
And grew a mustache instead of a lawn.























There once was a commish named Dope
He won, but still couldn't cope
With his place in the league
Or his growing fatigue
with feelings of frickin' false hope.


The Wanstaches 88.16 The Expendables 72.90

There once was a dick named Maine
Who couldn't be bothered to feign
A desire to win
So he started Ted Ginn
His season is long down the drain.

There once was a bitch named Robby
Like a hooker with knees that are knobby
He may score lots of points
But he's bound to disappoint
Cause his vag is the size of a lobby.


Creeping Death 92.61 OopsIWittenMyPants 65.59

There once was a dude named Falafel
Whose team was really quite awful
But his decisions were worse
And his tastes were perverse
His girlfriend likes to shit on a waffle.

There once was a Brad in first place
Gay poems he looked to embrace
A haiku or sonnet
Gets a bee in his bonnet
And rhymes all over his face.


Dead Kennedys 108.70 Kwan of the Thong 72.12

There once was a douchebag named Steve
Who left 20 points up his sleeve
Starting Carson not Kurt
Had to have hurt
He's choking so hard, he may heave.

There once was a guy named Thong
Whose season was once looking strong
Losing two out of three
With no semblance of D
Makes Thong's dong go wrong and not long.


Hump or Death 95.22 The Dane 88.07

There once was a man named The Dane
From winning he vowed to refrain
He scored just enough
To pretend to be tough
But in the middle he cared to remain.

There once was a champ named Cole
Limper than 90's Bob Dole
He was masterbatin'
To Daniels and Slaton
Now he'll need self-control.


- The Commish

Week 8 Recap

Hey punks,

Is it just me or does it seem like it's just one of those seasons where everyone's team sucks. I don't think I've talked to a single one of you who is satisfied with their team/season. (College Football is kind of the same way this year. Tedd Ginn too.) We say we're up, then we say we're down....

Cobra Commander 85.59 Dead Kennedys 67.17
After landing at #1 in the power rankings, the Dying Steves have promptly lost two in a row. (Time for a name change, methinks!) This week, he lost to the lowly Commish, getting little-to-no production from any RB or WR not named F Gore. Call it a hunch, but I'm guessing he's bitter. ... Prediction for this upcoming week: Steve plays the wrong QB and pukes himself in disgust.


Creeping Death 90.74 The Expendables 68.57
Mazzle is in sole possession of both first place and a circa 1987 Garbage Pail Kid card of himself. He puts in a good ol' fashioned beat down of Maine, and moves to 6-2 on the season. And thanks to his pickups of Miles Austin and Vernon Davis, he might just have enough juice to stay in first place (until the playoffs, of course). He might be the only happy team owner this week. .. Meanwhile, I can smell Maine's rotting corpse from here.

OopsIWittenMyPants 70.41 Cleveland Browns 58.38
This was pathetic. Falafel was too hungover to set his lineup and Sausage King was too (apparently) stoned to set his properly. No excuses - you both should be embarrassed. At least Falafel is still in contention. I believe you can count the Sausage King out now.... Down to the final 7 on Chicken Bone Idol.

Kwan of the Thong 79.76 The Dane 71.83
Color me shocked! Dane Judy Dench is currently the only team in the league with a .500 record. Oh sweet mediocrity! ... Thong got the weak win in this one, thanks to MJD making the hella most of his 8 carries and Reggie Wayne catching a random TD from Joey Addai. ... In other news, judging by his haircut, Mike Frank is secretly a lesbian.
http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/


Hump or Death 85.63 The Wanstaches 72.11
96.8 - any clue what that number is? It's Robby's weekly points against average. Lucky the Fins beat the Jets, or else he might have carved his wrists up for Halloween. .. Meanwhile, Little Brother Cole gets another win, but this one is costly. He loses Owen Daniels for the season, and maybe Steve Slaton too. I knew that Texans thing couldn't last...

Toodles,
- The Commish