Week 8 Recap (guest post by Maine)

I volunteered to do the recaps for Jason this week for three reasons:

1. He asked me.
2. I think he asks me every year.
3. Frankly, if I didn't, I had no reason to watch football this week. (RIP Knowshon Peterson-Cruz III)

Let's discuss the matchups, in order of relevance.

Colonel Choad defeats How High 2

If someone says to you, "Say man, how's your fantasy football team doing this year?", he's really saying ,"Say man, did you or didn't you draft Demarco Murray?" That's essentially the crux of the conversation. Every year, there's a player who outperforms his personal bullshit to a degree that catapults every fantasy owner lucky enough to have him directly into the championship. This year, it's Demarco.  No fantasy team that frequently employs Darren McFadden, the Remains of Antonio Gates and Trent Richardson should be as successful as Sean's is (at this point, I think the actual group Run DMC might have more fantasy relevance than Darren McFadden, and one of them is dead), but Demarco is having that kind of a year. 

That said, Sean and Jason went head to head and it came down to Monday night. Thankfully, Brandin Cooks had a big enough game to stave off the late Demarco charge. Congrats, Commish.

Fire Will Muschamp defeats The Memory Remains

Brad, on Sunday night:

"Alright... let me pull out this Samsung tablet and see how things went for my fantasy team this week.... Oooh, Sammy Watkins... getting that TD... and Mr. Maclin grabs 2 TDs... thank you. That's like... 60 points from 2 guys. I'm feeling good. What did Leveon do? ... Hmm, that half point PPR is looking good right now. No paydirt, but he outscored expectations. How badly did Chris Ivory shit the bed?.... Man, he got 2 touchdowns too? And Gronk somehow got 3 TDs!? Jesus... unless my boyfriend Matt Ryan fell asleep on the job.... nope... that's like, what... 173 points?! Alright. Heads are high. Ride the lightning. Let me log into this message board real quick and talk some shit after seeing how many points I won by................   what............. the................? ........motherfucker."

Steve, on Sunday night:

"That wasn't the deal, Satan!! I said you could have my soul at the end of my natural life!"

Fourme 2 Poupon defeats Guardians of the Thong

Another slow burner with a Monday night final between 2 really evenly matched teams that are waaaaaay too invested in the Washington Football Team and other risky teams to feel good about.

Fortunately for Travis, Luck and Hilton chose this week to have their annual public make out session and the fantasy multipliers paid off. Hopefully this will also be the last week he wastes space on Doug Martin.

Gutterballs defeats BaconCraft

This matchup was over in the 3rd quarter of the Thursday night game when Emanuel Sanders decided to go Madden. In fact, Sanders, Arian Foster and Jamal Charles put up enough points between the three of them to comfortably win the week. Congratulations, Mike Frank. You're the best and smartest. Is that what you wanted to hear?! Does it make you feel better!!?

Frankly, this is what I get for trying to win football games with adult men named Boobie, Jordy, Delanie and Russell on my team. Not to mention 2 guys named Zack. Next year, I'm drafting a bunch of dudes named Craig, Sex Metal and Chainwax instead.

Haunted Fudge defeats New-Bruce

There's humiliation, there's ultra humiliation, then there's "losing to a guy that started two injured Buffalo running backs - one of which is out for the year."  It helps that Larry Fitzgerald finally woke up and that Julian Edelman appears to be the only Patriot who didn't participate in last weekend's statistical gangbang, but still... it can't feel great.

Either way, enjoy the basement championship, Robby. You're the Not-Worst, which counts for something.

- Maine

Week 7 Recap - Power Rankings

Howdy folks,

We're exactly halfway through the regular season, so let's do some power rankings up in here....


10.  Haunted Fudge

Robby is the clear-cut leader for Auction Bitch so far.  He's officially the Oakland Raiders of this league, mismanaging roster beyond all comprehension.  He needs to fire himself immediately and hire Mike Holmgren.  Also, his team name makes no sense.  Also, Fred Jackson AND CJ Spiller both got hurt this week.  Also, he's under investigation by Yahoo for HGH abuses back in the early 90s.  Also, he sucks.

9.  BaconCraft

Maine gets the nod over Mike Cole in the 9 spot, as everything that could go wrong this season for him, has.  He should just change his team name to Murphy's Law of Bacon.  There are easily three guys on his roster he could drop immediately, but he just doesn't have the energy anymore.  He's bitter and numb and all hope is lost.

8.  New-Bruce

Speaking of lost hope, Mike's only goal at this point is to stay out of last place.  Drew Brees has been his downfall.  It's been a steep fall from the glory days, and he's now just a husk of a shadow of a man. 

7.  The Memory Remains

Bradley continues his proud tradition of being in this league.  He consistently starts 10 players and puts up points in a multitude of categories, including, but not limited to: yards, touchdowns, and extra points.  His players have names like "Matt" and "Jeremy."   He has two defenses on his roster and picks the best one to start based on the perceived matchup strength.  He wins some weeks and loses others.  Overall, Bradley indeed manages a fantasy football team in our league.

6.  Thongtastic

You could argue for Rich to be ranked anywhere from 3 to 7.  He has both a 3 game winning streak and 3 game losing streak on the season, so no telling how good he really is or what happens from here on out.  But if he can get AJ Green back and healthy for the stretch run, he may just have a chance.  Or not.  Hell, I don't know and neither do you. 

5.  Gutterballs

No way Mike Frank can be ranked higher than 5, just on general principle.  He will 1000% lose this week - the line is so high, it's off the board in Vegas.  (His roster, however, does have some talent.  If he gets in the playoffs at 7-7, I wouldn't want to play him.)

4.  Shit-Stain

Travis could be feisty down the stretch.  His team is getting healthy, and he has Josh Gordon waiting in the wings.  He has some running back issues, but that's nothing that can't be improved on the waiver wire.  He also has the devastating Luck to Hilton combo.  My bold prediction is that he goes on a major win streak, goes 5-2 in the second half of the season and squeaks into the playoffs at 8-6.  (And that prediction is in no way trying to jinx him at all.)

3. Fire Will Muschamp

Steve-O gets the three spot, as usual.  He's got the best three WRs in the league, but the rest of his team keeps him up at night.  He'll continue to work the wire though to grab the latest third string running back.  And he'll drink himself to sleep with three fingers of scotch.  Scotchy, scotch, scotch.

2.  Colonel Choad

Your trusty Commish  has been doing fine and dandy, but has some question marks.  Wide Receiver is an issue, the Seattle Defense has been terrible, and Julius Thomas is bound to regress the second half.  Should be able to make the playoffs, but there are concerns around camp.  Look for him to make another trade before the deadline to shore up his roster for the last few weeks.

1.  How High 2 - Pgh RBs

And the top spot in the power rankings goes to the top spot in the league - Sean "Sausage King" Forman!  His team is stacked in the back and, going into the second half, is the odds-on favorite to win the whole damn thing.  Seriously - look at his fucking roster!  It's really really good.  (And that, my friends, is the kind of hard hitting analysis you've come to expect from me.)

So, good luck to Sean and to the five other owners I wouldn't mind winning!  (You four others know who you aren't.)

Cheers,
The Commish

Week 6 Recap

Hi Everybody!

I have one semi-interesting observation before we get started.  (And no, it's not about the Dolphins.)

Through 6 weeks so far, the standing are completely aligned with Points Scored.  This means that nobody is bitching about being unlucky with head-to-head vagaries.  It's all completely orderly.  You are what you are. 

It's unclear if this is due to the larger range of point values resulting from the scoring changes.  Or if it's just a product of small sample size and many teams sitting at 3-3.  This will be something to monitor as the season continues.

Now for something completely the same...


Choad 162  Thong 90

Though not making up for the 2012 Chicken Bone Cup loss, this was quite the satisfying smack-down.  Rich is suddenly in a free-fall, all of his pixie dust apparently worn off.  .. Meanwhile, yours truly put up 162, while making all the wrong decisions on starters.  Would have scored about 190 points otherwise.  Sometimes It's So Fucking Easy.


Mazzle 87  Bacon 85

The disaster of a season continues for Maine.  And disaster is an understatement.  He watches the vaunted Cinci Defense be awful again, his old TE score 5 points more than the one he traded for this week, Victor Cruz's knee and career implode on national TV, Knowshon Moreno tear his ACL and be done for the season, and Zac Stacy run for 2 yds at a time and fall down on Monday Night Football.  The result is that he manages to somehow lose by two points in the most pathetic lowest scoring game of the season.   I couldn't make this stuff up!

Could anything else go wrong at this point?   Seriously!  Nothing else could surprise us at this point.  DeSean Jackson getting arrested for killing a prostitute?  Sure!  Russell Wilson goes swimming in a lake and gets his penis bit off by a snapping turtle?  Why not?!  Jordy Nelson winning The Voice and quitting football!  I'd put it at even money!  It's officially ridiculous.....


Shit-Stained Falafel 118   Mike "Bruce" Cole 95

This was over on Thursday Night.

Not even false hope is left for my esteemed brother now.

Meanwhile, Shit-Stained Travis is completely even at 3-3.


Robby 102   Steve 95

Robby "Haunted Fudge" Friedman gets on the board with his first win of the season.  But the bigger story is the disaster of a weekend for our good friend Steve-O.  The Gator game was a travishamockery of a stomach-punch loss.  The Giants completely shit the bed on Sunday Night Football.  And his fantasy team lost to Robby.  Robby!  Good thing he has the new Pink Floyd song to listen to on repeat 12, 239 times; otherwise, we'd all be murdered in our sleep.


Sean 145  Mike Frank  141

Oooooh, this one came down to the last 60 seconds on Monday Night Football.  Brutal!!!  Thanks to a completely and utterly meaningless pick-six, Sean somehow pulled it out.  It was a total heart breaker for Mike, who the universe could not allow to go 4-2.


Cheers,
The Commish

Week 5 Recap

Howdy Folks,

No point in waiting for tomorrow to recap this bitch, as results are pretty much wrapped up here in week 5.   Let's get to it...


Commish over Mazzle

After a strong start to the season, Bradley "is a girl" Malemezian loses her second matchup in a row.  Also of note, spell-check believes that the correction for "Malemezian" is "Megalomania."  And after this week, it sure isn't "Megatron."  Between Calvin Johnson's no-shows and the lack of any RB depth, it might be a long October for her team. ... Meanwhile, Commish is cruising along nicely thanks to consistent play across the board, expert drafting, and boyishly good looks.


New Bruce over Bacon 

Question: What do Bruce Springsteen, Bruce Willis, Bruce Smith, Bruce Hornsby, Bruce Bochy, Bruce Campbell, and Bruce Lee all have in common?
Answer: They're all better at fantasy football than the New Bruce.
P.S.  And you know that Springsteen would just try to draft offensive guards, H-backs, long snappers, and nickel corners because they're the "working class" men of the NFL.  He'd be terrible at fantasy!

Despite all that, for one week, my esteemed brother gets Ben Tate and Eddie Lacy back and all is right with the world.  Mike Cole improves to 1-4 on the season and with one more win next week, he'll still have no shot.  But he will have false hope!

On the flippity flop, Maine's Donald Brown magic has seemingly run out.  Though only at 2-3, he's already running on fumes. Not looking good at all.  Also, he would have been better off starting his mom's cunt instead of the Cincinnati defense.


Steve O my Steve O over Shit-Stained Falafel

Steve has a 70% chance of winning tonight, while Travis, coincidentally, has a 70% chance of being a douche-bag tonight.  But even assuming that Steve holds on to move to 4-1, he must be having a crisis of confidence right now.  His Monte Ball pick is not working out at all, he's flailing at Tight End, and he knows he can't count on 36 points from his defense and kicker every week.  It's no wonder he's been impotent for two and a half years.

And I don't just mean impotent in fantasy football.  I'm telling you that he cannot get his penis erect no matter who he drafts or picks up off the waiver wire.  He can't get off on any of his players, no matter how hard he slaps his roster around.  You wonder why he makes so many transactions?  It's because he's trying to chase that Dennis Northcutt aphrodisiac, but it just isn't working for him anymore.  You wonder why he doesn't show up at drafts?  It's because he's embarrassed that his dick is limper than Robby's wrist.  It's not a coincidence that you can find the words staff, cobb, and ball on his team.  You do the math.  It's sad....


Sean over Thong

On paper, this one was another major mismatch.  Thong (an emerging chicken bone dynasty) vs. Sean (auction bitch supreme).  Well folks, that's why they don't play fantasy football on paper!!!  (Um...I guess they used to, but then we all got computers...er ..never mind...)  Sean kicks the ever-loving crap out of Thong and is officially the surprise team to be reckoned with this year (e.g. 2013 Robby, 2012 Steve).  Like the best porn-stars, his team has a few holes, but he's getting production from every nook and cranny.  Also like the best porn-stars, he's bald. 


Mike Frank over Robby

Enough about MFrank's mediocrity.  Let's talk Robby's team (probably for the last time).  He finally gets a huge week out of Peyton Manning, but continues to mismanage the rest of his roster to comic lengths.  He trots out the corpse of Larry Fitzgerald week after week.  He has both Buffalo running backs on his team, guaranteeing that he'll start the wrong one.  He still has the terrible New Orleans defense employed.  And his Wide Receivers are AWFUL!  Jordan Matthews.  Kenny Stills.  Brian Hartline!  What is he doing?   This year is a lost cause, but hopefully this public shaming (as opposed to Steve's pubic shaming), will do him some good.  There's always next year.  And hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

Lastly, I don't get the "Haunted Fudge" name.  What am I missing here?  What does it mean?  Makes less sense than his pathetic fucking excuse for a roster.
 

Cheers bitches!
- The Commish

Weak 4 Recap

Damn Steve!
Thong goes down.
Mike Frank continues to be Mike Frank.
Sean trades Pirates and Steeler wins for fantasy wins.
Brad and Maine are also in this league.
Travis is a Shit-Stain.
One Cole standing.
Robby = Auction Bitch.

Week 3 Recap

Howdy Folks,

Before getting into the festive Week 3 recap, a few words about the alleged NFL team, the Miami Dolphins.

The really sad thing, to me, is that all of the players and coaches are actually trying really hard.  They really are.  And this is the BEST that they can do.  They simply can't do any better.  They are just not good at doing the one thing that they are paid to do - play professional football.  They are not bad people.  They are just bad at football.  At this point, I just feel sorry for them.  And they still have to play 13 more games.

Now for this week's recap, sponsored by Google Autocomplete suggestions....


Commish Choad 121 - SteveO 80

When I type the phrase "steve is a" into Google, the 2nd suggestion is "steve is a scuba diver who is concerned".  And he should be concerned after that performance!  It's still early in the season, but that was quite the steep drop underwater from first to fifth for Steve.  Plus, the new Pink Floyd album just got delayed!  See - Steve should have saved his bitching.  He blew his wad last week, and he probably doesn't have any vitriol left...


BaconCraft 135 - ShitStain 125

More fun with Google's Autocomplete:
"Jermaine is here" (1st suggestion)
"Jermaine is gay" (2nd suggestion)

Three weeks into the season, and it's already been a wild ride for Maine.  RGIII, AP, Ryan Matthews, Moreno, etc.  Somehow though, his team is way better than you'd expect considering all the auction money already flushed down the toilet.  He's 2-1 and scrappin!  Donald Brown!  (However, when you consider Peterson, Cooper, and Boldin, there are a large percentage of assholes on his team.  And I'm just betting Zach Ertz is a dick too.)


Sean Forman 115 - Mike Cole 106

Once again, Google Autocomplete has the answers.  When I type in the phrase "why is my brother", the very first suggestion is "why is my brother retarded".  (No surprise there.)  Meanwhile, the first suggestion is for "sean is" - "sean is awesome". (Good for him!)  ... At 0-3 it's already starting to look like another lost season for Mike Cole.  Can he turn it around against me next week with half my team on bye?  It's now or never....


Bradley 113 - Mike Frank 80

I couldn't love these first suggestions more:
"bradley is a girl's name"
"mike is a theory"

Bradley surges back into second place with her team getting big weeks from Matty Ryan and Jeremy Maclin and probably some other guys too.  She convincingly beat Mike Frank, who - according to the Mike Theory of Mediocrity - must have been on an off week.


Thong 109 - Robby 69

This one was off the board in Vegas before it even started.  They couldn't make the point spread high enough.  You can't stop Thong, you can only hope to contain him.  I think Google suggests it best - "rich is gangsta"


Cheers,
"commish is wise"

Week 2 Recap

Hey Gang,

Here are some reader-suggested subtitles for this week's recap:


Week 2: Where everyone's players got hurt or arrested
Week 2: Where the total scores regressed to the mean
Week 2: The One with the Monkey
Week 2: Electric Boogaloo
Week 2: Where Reality Sets In. 




Falafel 112 - Colonel Choad 102

Thanks to the Legion of Poop and Andrew the Giant, Falafel takes this one by a nose.  More importantly, he needs to stop changing his damn team name.

His three and only three options are:
1.  Leave name as is
2. Change name to something Falafel-based and leave it at that
3. Keep changing names and be refereed to in this recap, on the message boards, etc. for the rest of this season as "Shit-Stain".


BaconCraft 110 - Fudge 95

Question: What does Maine have in common with Jay Gruden?
Answer:  The injury to RGIII lets him avoid a season long QB controversy and start the better player.

This week Maine started Russell Wilson and found himself in the win column.  Also, Jordy Freaking Nelson!!!

Meanwhile, Robby "Fudge" Friedman is at 2-1 odds in Vegas to be the Auction Bitch next year.

Steve 123 - Mike Frank 116
Mike Frank 99 - Mike Cole 89

So let me get this straight...  Steve is undefeated, in first place, and couldn't be more bitter?  And Mike Frank has a mediocre team that is 1-1 on the season?  You gotta be shitting me!!!!  C'mon...is this opposite day or something?  No way anyone could have predicted that.   Next you'll be telling me that Sean is bald or Mike Cole is making excuses for his terrible team.

As far as the football stuff goes, that seems like a lot of effort for me to analyze and type up.  So what you should do, is go back to Yahoo and look at the box scores yourself and then you'll know what happened. Problem solved!!!


Thong 99 - Mazzle 83

Here's a fun fact:  Bradley somehow managed to score almost exactly half of his point total from last week.  That is hard to do.  He's 1-1.

Here's another fun fact: Before Draft Weekend, for practice, Thong does mock drafts while parachuting out of an airplane.  That way he's prepared for anything under pressure.  He's 2-0.


Cheers,
The Commish