Playoff Preview by Maine

Howdy Howdy Folks,

As I'm in the playoffs, I outsourced the annual Playoff Preview to Maine.  Here ya go...

So, this was a fun season.

Remember the part when Raheem Mostert carried the ball twice before being out for the year? Remember when Will Fuller did exactly what Will Fuller does every year, except without any of the good parts? Remember when Aaron Rodgers tried to do the “that depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is” to everyone about his Covid infection? Remember week 15 when Covid hubris benched seemingly half of the league? Remember when Allen Robinson caught Covid more often than the ball in the endzone?

Remember when Mike dropped Michael Pittman Jr. to pick up the spectral remains of Le’Veon Bell? Remember when Robby started the season wearing a t-shirt that celebrated his championship, then ended the season wearing a bathrobe and staring at a noose in an empty hotel room? Remember when I paid $50 Shrute bucks to roster a guy named Juwan Johnson (I think?). Remember when Steve told us all to suck his dick, and we collectively thought “jeez – I mean, if it’ll help the guy feel better…?”

Jason asked me to do a playoff preview, which is nice because this will be the only part of the playoffs I actually participate in. Thanks.

Harvester of Sorrow:

Brad is starting Odell Beckham Jr., which is something not even an NFL team would actually feel good about right now. I think it’s also important to note that his team has scored fewer points than three teams that didn’t even make the playoffs. He’s winning because has the second-best defensive team in the league right now, which is a monitoring metric for 2021 luck. If he doesn’t feel good about his chance, all he has to do is stare out into the crowd and see everyone flapping their wings like the ending scene to Angels in the Outfield and recognize that, sometimes, shitty teams do better than they should. Congrats, bro. You’ve got this.

Sausage Factory:

This motherfucker is beating us WITH Saquon Barkley on his roster. Think about that. Saquon has killed more teams than the flu killed Ugandans this year, and this man is still kicking ass? Impressive. Sean’s in a great spot. Tom Brady is winning the Kobe Bryant Award for “Being Better and More Likeable Now Than When You Were in Your Prime.” Leonard Fournette is having his I’m Keth Hernandez season. And Davante Adams is ascending into football godhood as we watch. Gotta feel good about what’s going on here.

 Wong-Master of the Mystic Arts:

Jason has Cooper Kupp and Jonathan Taylor. I don’t have the metrics in front of me, but I think 117% of fantasy teams that drafted both Cooper Kupp and Jonathan Taylor are in the playoffs with a really good chance of winning. It doesn’t matter if the rest of your team is “Human Bootyhole” Brandon Aiyuk, “Great Mormon Hope” Taysom Hill and “Will Fuller That Actually Plays” Chase Claypool. Jason is fine. Plus, Dalvin Cook is here and that guy can go for 40 any time the coaching staff stops stepping on his dick and lets him.

Jamie Tartt’s Better Than You:

Travis’s team is the only one that features a talented player at every position, plus Hunter Renfrow. Any one of his players can score 25 points in a week, or be Hunter Renfrow. It’s amazing to see this kind of healthy, high potential roster construction plus Hunter Renfrow this late in the season. He has scored the most points in the league by a lot, and that’s even if you subtract his high scores in arrogance, hubris, and generalized shit talking.

Conclusion:

Travis is winning and he’s going to be fucking unbearable about it for the next calendar 18 months. See y’all next season.

Week 14 Nonsense

Hey there folks,

We're in the dog days of the season, with the playoff spots all secure and not nearly enough fodder for a recap.  But let's run through some news and notes nonsense from around the league...

• This season's standings are more lopsided than Robby's breasts.  6 out of the 10 teams are going to finish with losing records.  To be clear, that's 6 of you who are losing losers.
• Sean and Travis scored 171 and 183 points respectively last week.  Leave something in the tank for the playoffs guys.  Don't be like Rich on prom night and shoot your wad early.
• In the "be careful what you wish for" department, I'm sure that Sean, Travis, and me are all still playing for that #1 seed in the hopes of playing Brad in the first round.   As things stand now, Sean and Brad may play each other two times in a row, as they face off in Week 15.  Are they going to rest their starters or go with a vanilla lineup?  Who knows!?  
• Quick tangent...what's the most vanilla lineup you could have in fantasy?  (And by vanilla, I mean white and average.)  Here's my suggestion:
• QB - Kirk Cousins
• RB - Rex Burkhead
• RB - The ghost of Danny Woodhead
• WR - Danny Amendola
• WR - Adam Humphries
• WR - Cole Beasley
• Flex - Scotty Miller  (EDIT: swap in Hunter Renfrow)
• TE - Jack Doyle
• K - Robbie Gould
• DEF - Philadelphia Eagles 
• What are the odds that this year's championship will be decided by which team has less COVID?  Seems like that's how things are headed with this whole Decepticon variant.  
• And if you think Week 15 doesn't matter, there are 5 teams vying for 4 spots in the illustrious Jean Shorts Tourney!  Let's break down the scenarios....
• The winner of Maine and MFrank is in.  Unless they totally screw the pooch, the loser is in good shape as well on total points.
• So Robby is chasing Brother Rappaport and actual Rappaport.  He has the same record as them, but is over 100 points behind them.  So he'll need to win and hope that one of them loses to make it in.  
• In order for Rich to make it, he'll need at least 2 of the 5 teams ahead of him to die in a horrific sex accident.  #strobby69

Cheers y'all,

- The Commish

Week 12 News and Notes

Hey folks,

Appropriately, this week was a major turkey for all trailing teams still harboring playoff hopes.  It was a downright pathetic showing for them all in a must-win week, and completely underserving of a full recap.  So here are some half-assed news and notes instead:

• Robby will not be repeating as champ, thus returning us to some semblance of normalcy.  His reign of terror and our national nightmare is finally and mercifully over.  I don't even care about the pandemic or the new Decepticon variant, I'm just glad I don't need to see another one of his fucking custom T-shirts ever again.
• I held off Robby this week to stay in meaningless first place, but I officially have Problems with a capital P.   Like Jim Abbot's right hand, Noah Fant officially can not be counted on.  Plus my RBs are dropping like flies - Dalvin Cook went down, Darell Henderson is banged up, and Chris Carson and Michael Carter are dunzo.  Also, I have no receivers beyond Aiyuk and Kupp (who is getting vultured by Beckham now).  This is looking super dicey....
• Mike Frank, Maine, and Strobby averaged 85 points each this week and deserve to miss the playoffs and also get dysentery.  
• Even Thong's hopes (of not being Auction bitch) took a major hit this week when he lost to the 9th place fighting Brother Coles.  Better ask for a new keyboard for Christmas.
• Though I've shied away from using the pejorative moniker of "Brother Cole" in recent years, I've brought it back for this post only as Mike Cole has brought shame to the family name over the past few seasons of underperformance and it can't be ignored any longer.  From now on, until he has a winning season, he shall be referred to as Brother Rappaport.  
• Back to Thong for a hot minute here....he has the least total points scored AND the most total points scored against him.  That's hard to do.  
• Travis Lawson Harrup is better than us.  His team is stacked and is lapping the field on total points.  The only playoff seeding drama now is which one of the three of us have to face him in the first round.  ("Not it!")
• Bradley Charles Mazzle-Muzzle is worse than us.  His team is weak sauce. The only playoff seeding drama now is which one of the three of us get to face him in the first round.  ("Dibs!")
• Sean really enjoys reading these posts, so I'll be sure to mention him at some point.
• Wither Steve.  He has lost 4 in a row, has made 61 transactions, has $0 left to spend on waivers, and left Cedric Wilson on his bench in favor of Robbie Anderson for no reason other than he was already drunk by 11:36am on Thanksgiving.
• And now its time for your FANTASY TIP OF THE WEEK - Don't be afraid to cut your second best player if they have a bad game.  It sends a message to the rest of your team and your squad will be better overall in the long run.  This has been your FANTASY TIP OF THE WEEK.

That's all folks.  

Suck it!

- The commish

Week 11 Recap

Howdy folks,

With four weeks to go in the newly expanded regular season, things have already shooken out.  Bring it on?  It's already been broughten!   There are 4 at the top, 3 with false hope, 2 with no hope, and and Auction Bitch in a pear tree.  But if the Dolphins can win 3 games in a row, anything can happen...  

So let's recap Week 11 shall we....

148.60 Wong-Master of the Mystic Arts def 143.37 Jamie Tartt's Better Than You  

In a total back and forth slugfest between the top two teams in the standings, your trusty commish edged the Edgelord Falafel by 5 points.  Even with 51(!!!!!) points from Jonathan Taylor, it came down to Monday night where the Tampa Bay Fuckaneer defense took care of business against the lowly Giants.  A few notes:

• With Kupp on bye, there was zero chance of me starting the 3 right WRs, and lo and behold the 11 points Claypool scored on my bench was better than 2 out of the 3 starters.  This is going to be a problem in the playoffs, mark my words.  
• Has anyone seen Dan Arnold?  Should we put out an APB?  Do they still put missing people on milk cartons?  I haven't seen a disappearing act like that since Falafel's dad went out for smokes  one day and never came back.
• It's hard to get 28 points from a Defense and 1 point from a Kicker in the same week, but Falafel made it happen.

 

144.20 Bacon Lettuce Tornado def 99.63 ThongDeltaLamda

It may be false hope, but Maine is still scratching and clawing.  Big win this week to move into 5th place.  With CEH back and Justin Jefferson going beast mode lately, he's still got a shot if Mazzle falters down the stretch. And is Zach Ertz a thing again?  He needs Patterson or Jones back though, as his RBs are currently depleted. .. On the flip side, let's say a few nice things about Thong, because man, at 2-9 he sure needs some words of encouragement.  He's got to be enjoying the Mike Evans experience.  Pat Freiermuth has been a nice find at Tight End.   His running back depth is actually decent.  Um...and there's always next year....

102.51 Harvester of Sorrow def 80.73 Extra Billy 

This was a HUGE win for Mazzle over Extra Robby this week.  A loss would have dropped him into a 6-5 tie with Robby for the last playoff spot, but with the win, he opened up a MASSIVE two-game lead.  Robby is running on fumes with no D. Henry, but his big issue this season is the KC offense.  Mahomes just isn't Mahomes.  He's got NOTHING!

133.57 Sausage Factory def 128.63 Baldwin’s Bullets

Sean is rolling right along into the playoffs, but the bigger story this week was that Steve - I'm not making this up - got drunk and deleted his fantasy football yahoo account last week (ironically named Al_Cohol).  Once he sobered up, we had to figure out how to reassign his team to his other yahoo account.  If that's not a metaphor for his season, I don't know what is.  

133.90 Rabbi Milligan def 99.07 Majestik Møøse 

Mike Bowl XXII - Feel the Excitement!!!

Even though Mike Frank would have been better starting the ghost of Craig T. Nelson at Defense instead of Buffalo, he still did plenty to earn a convincing win over the disappointing Mike Cole.  He is stacked in the back at WR. We should have traded a few weeks ago.  Sigh....   Meanwhile, remember when Mike Cole was a force to be reckoned with in this league?  What happened to him, man?  Is he just too busy managing his 3 Kicker league and his High School Football Dynasty League to care about our little vanilla operation?  Wither Mike Cole...

Gobble gobble motherfuckers!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

- The Commish

Week 9 Recap

Howdy folks!

It's your crusty commish here, back with a good old fashioned recap after taking a couple weeks off to focus on the MLB Playoffs.  (Who won the World Series?  Did anyone hear?)

Meanwhile, in Chicken Bone land, we're starting to enter the homestretch.  The four teams at the top will be holding on for dear life, while the five teams behind them are looking to make a charge.  (The less said about Thong the better.  No need to kick an Auction Bitch when he's down.)  So let's recap all the Week 9 action...

Commish 135 - Thong 64

Finally, Devonta Smith comes up with a huge game and scores 20 points!  What's that you say?  That he was on my bench because I was sick of his underperforming?  That I wouldn't know a non-Kupp starting wide receiver if he was standing in the end-zone and waving at me?  That when the epitaph on my season is written, it'll say I cut Jalen Waddle and Cole Beasley and kept Julio Junk and Crap Claypool for no discernable reason?   You'd say all that, would you?  Well, that's just rude.  

Does Deon Sanders still play Wide Receiver?  Maybe I'll pick him up.  He was also an Atlanta Brave, ya know..

Maine 111 - Mazzle 85

Don't look now, but Maine has won 3 out of his last 4 and is starting to look feisty.  Even with a COVID-ridden, lying, super sketchy Aaron Rodgers on the bench and the Packers held to one TD, Maine still managed to put up a decent score and beat up on Mazzle. .. I'm assuming Mazzle - who is still 6-3 and in good shape - was just distracted this week in Atlanta by the shouts of joy from his neighborhood on Tuesday, the parade on Friday, etc... 

Sausage 117 - Falafel 114

This delicious matchup came down to the last two minutes on Monday night, but Travis's reverse-jinx came up just short when Dionte Johnson finally got open for a long gain on the last drive.  The whole Pittsburgh Steelers offense felt kind of like this...

A couple more notes on this one:

• With the narrow victory, Sean takes over sole possession of first place at 7-2.  And with a full 3 game lead over the 5th place teams with five weeks to play, he's in annoyingly great shape for yet another playoff berth.
• Travis is also in excellent shape at 6-3 and with the most total points scored in the league.  But seeing James Connor putting up 37 points on his bench has got to stick in his craw.  

Mike Cole 103 - Extra Billy 74

A few short weeks ago in this space, we anointed Robby #1 in the Power Rankings.  Since then, he has lost 3 in a row, has not scored more than 78 points, and has lost Derrick Henry for the season.  I've NEVER seen someone's season go into the toilet this fast.  It's crazy.  So on a totally unrelated note, here's a quick power rankings for this week, that should in no way jinx anyone:

10: Thong

9: MCole

8. Robby

7. MFrank

6. Steve

5. Maine

4. Commish

3. Mazzle

1 (tie). Sausage and Falafel

Mike Frank 122 - Steve 57

Rabbi Frank kicked some kosher ass this week, thanks to a big game from Elijah Moore.  You know he's all about those New York Jets players!  .. On the flip side, while Steve's luck improved when he managed to win the last two weeks with scores of 89 and 99, this week he power bottomed out.  (Also, his new team name of "Baldwin's Bullets" is both very funny and a total rip-off my of original "Ballston Bullets" team name.)  Overall it was a real stinker of a week for Steve.  But remember, if you change the letters around in stinker, you get...

That's all I got for now.  Good luck down the stretch everyone - in any year, ya just never know who's going to win it all...

Cheers,

- The Commish

Power Rankings, Ted Lasso-style

Hey gang,

We're almost halfway through the season, and it's the BYE week to end all BYE weeks.  So instead of stressing, let's enjoy some Power Rankings.  Also, for some weird reason, the other night when I woke up at 3:00 in the morning and couldn't fall back asleep, I started thinking about what Ted Lasso character everyone is.   And I've been thinking about it ever since.  So care about the show or not, you're getting that too!  Here we go...

#10 Thong -  A suspect skillset, happily swimming along like a goldfish, and only talking every once in a while, Rich is definitely the Dutch player Jan Maas.  And with the worst team in the league, you can also fill two internets with what he doesn't know about fantasy football.  He's in last "Auction Bitch" place, with the fewest total points scored in the league.  His Ridley and Evans WRs are underperforming, his Gibson is banged up, and his TE just broke his hand.  And not sure if he meant to start the Denver Defense (his only currently rostered defense) last night, but he didn't.  Gonna be a long season...

#9 Mike Frank - A family man, with his glasses, calm demeanor, and ability to take the league's shit with a smile, Mike has got to be Leslie Higgins.  Unfortunately,  neither Higgins nor Mike have a lot to talent to work with.  Mike's rabbinical squad was running back challenged, even before Chubb went down.  And he's lacking any semblance of a WR1.  But he's getting good games out of Stafford, and is hoping that Kyle Pitts has come alive.  So ya never know...

#8 Mike Cole - "Fantasy Football is Life!"  With long black hair and managing 47 separate teams, Mike Cole finds the joy in fantasy football every day.  Which is why - after some debate in the commissioner's office - he's got to be Danny Rojas.  Unfortunately, while he sometimes makes some great moves out on the fantasy football pitch, sometimes he just kills a dog.  This is one of those seasons.  He's got a busted CMcC, blew half of his FAAB on disappointing Eli Mitchell, and has not 1, not 2, but 3(!) Dolphins on his team.  That is not a recipe for success.

#7 Maine - He's deadpan but hilarious, surly as hell but a reliable friend, says "fuck" a lot but is good with kids, and has seen a decline in his football skillset over the years.  Maine is none other than Roy Fucking Kent.  "He’s here, he’s there, he’s every-fucking-where. Roy Kent, Roy Kent."  His team, however, is a whole bag of meh.  Jerry Juedy ate it early, CEH is a bust, and he's flailing about finding a serviceable TE.  However, his Aaron Packers can still do some damage, and Jefferson/Lamb make for a great 1-2 punch at WR.  Can this old man still make a playoff run?  Stranger things have happened...

#6 Falafel - Talented, selfish, kind of an asshole, daddy issues, cares way too much about his hair, has been a winner and could be one again.  Falafel is definitely Jamie Tartt.  And his team is exactly like Jamie - great top level talent, but no depth whatsoever.  Josh Allen, Zeke, Mixon, Chase, Deebo - these are dudes that are making some noise.  But behind them, you have Damien Harris, broke Kittle, Emanual Sanders...you get the drift.  He's 4-2, but can he keep this up?  Seems unlikely.

#5 Commish - Your fearless leader with a positive attitude, keeps the league together, proven winner, occasionally confused about the rules, prone to anxiety and panic attacks.  I tried not to make myself Ted Lasso, but it's all right there.  And like Ted, my team is just as likely to get relegated out of playoff position than win anything.  I'm 4-2, but doing it with smoke, mirrors, and RBs who can't stay healthy.  Other than Cooper Kupp, I have no WRs at all despite picking up and dropping every mediocre receiver available.  This spot might be generous.  

#4 Mazzle - Right hand man to the Commish, intelligent, inscrutable, occasionally bearded - Brad is none other than Coach Beard.  He's more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51.  Team Mazzle is dealing with some injury issues, but if he can get healthy, he has the players good enough to win it all.  Heber, Hopkins, Kamara, Metlcalf, Sutton, Darell Williams, and even Butker for good measure.  Fear the Mazzle.

#3 Steve -  Steven "Steve" Rappaport has got to be embittered coach Nathan "Nate" Shelley.  He works his ass off and has all the football skills in the world, but never gets the recognition he deserves.  (And he may or may not quit at the end of the season.)  But even with a record of 2-4, Steve may have the best team in the league (he has the 2nd most points scored).  Kyler Murray is cooking, Tyreek Hill and Antonio Brown are studly, and he's got not 1, but 2 top TEs.  If he can string a few wins in a row together and sneak into the playoffs with a healthy Michael Thomas, Steve still has a chance to make it to the big time.

#2 Sausage - Calm and kind, highly moral, occasionally funny, maybe a little boring, but consistently gets it done on the field and may be the league's all around best player these last few years.  This was a tough one, but Sean has got to be Sam Obisanya.  (Note: there are NO bald main characters on the show!)  Anyways, Sean's team is in first place at 5-1 and is damn good yet again.  He's leaning on his Bucs (Brady, Godwin, Fournette), but there are worse teams to lean on (see MCole).  Oh and Sean's got Devante Adams too.  Sure, he's got RB issues, but who doesn't?

#1 Robby - Another tough one.  He's had more success out of anyone the last two years, he's come into his own in the world of fantasy football, and he's got a great set of tits.  (He also makes a great pair with Maine/Roy on draft weekend.)  So add it all up, and Robby has got to be Keeley Jones.  And his Extra Billies are tearing it up yet again.  He's in 2nd place, with the most points scored in the league.  He's a lock for the playoffs and looking to go back to back.  It's possible!  

Good luck to everyone this week with BYE-mageddon!  Remember, taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse, isn't it? If you're comfortable while you're doing it, you're probably doing it wrong.

Believe!

- The Commish

Week 6 Recap

Howdy folks!

And Wow!  We've had some wild weeks in this league, but for a regular season Week 6 with nothing at stake, this one was more interesting than that hairy mole on Travis's mom's left butt-cheek that kind of looks like Ringo Starr.  You know the one.  

So let's recap, shall we....

Wong-Master of the Mystic Arts 156.67 -  Majestik Møøse 130.91

In the first Cole Bowl of the season, it was Cole the Elder taking down Cole the Smellier, by the tune of 26 points despite getting off to a very slow start on Thursday night.  In a record 6th week, I also started the wrong wide receiver, with even a hamstrung Julio Jones outperforming all my starting WRs not named Cooper Kupp.  My running backs are all going to be on the IR soon with back injuries from carrying this team.  ... Meanwhile, MCole put up 130 and did nothing wrong except starting the wrong Dolphin (Gaskin over Waddle); but really every Dolphin is wrong, so it's hard to fault him.  

Bacon Lettuce Tornado 130.07 - Rabbi Milligan - 87.59

Maine, if he was still in high school in the 90s:  "You like CeeDee Lamb? See Deez Nutz!"  

A much needed victory this week for Maine's squad, who rode his Aaron-named Packers and a huge game from Cee Dees Nutz to the easy win over Rabbi Pretzel.  Side note: he could have put up more points, but he left Cole Beasley on the bench.  Good luck figuring out what that dude is going to do week to week!   .. Meanwhile, Rabbi Pretzel is flailing almost as much as his New York Giants.  And both of them are starting Devontae Booker.  And as the old saying goes, "When you're starting Devontae Booker, you're starting Devontae Booker."

Extra Billy 181.94 - ThongDeltaLamda 82.44

Well, at least Thong didn't lose by 100.  Thanks to a couple clutch plays by Zach Moss on the last Bills' drive of the Monday night game, he only lost by 99.5.  So he's got that going for him.   ... On the flip side, daaaaaaaaamn Robby!  Leave some fucking points for the rest of us!  

The Falafel Resurrections 134.69 - So Mote It Be 133.64

This one also came down to the last Bills' drive of the Monday night game, with Falafel coming back to edge Steve by a pubic hair.  Falafel tried his darndest to blow it, starting Laviska Shenault Jr. yet again instead of one of his AJs.  But Steve couldn't overcome Austin Ekeler's worst game of the year and some 1.20 bullshit from Tyler Boyd.  

Quick follow up from last week's recap and some reader mail - Travis's team wouldn't be favored to win Squid Game, the Chicken Bone Cup, or anything else for that matter.  However, Travis himself would be a slight favorite in a real life Squid Game.  He's younger and perhaps in better shape than most people in this league, but more importantly, he's the kind of asshole that would push the rest of us off a high bridge or stab us in the neck in the middle of the night.  Plus, he hasn't won a title in a decade and has nothing to fucking lose.

Sausage Factory 121.59  - Harvester of Sorrow 121.27

Somehow, this battle of #1 vs #2 was only the second closest result of the week, with Sausage getting the wee 0.32 point win over Mazzle.  (Assuming it stands and there are no stat corrections - The Recap doesn't have time to wait for that shit.)  Perhaps Mazzle shouldn't have kept Courtland Sutton tied behind his back?  Perhaps instead starting Kadarius Toney - a gimpy hot-head on the NY Giants with a minimal record of success and Sterling Shephard back in the lineup - might not have been his best managerial decision?  Perhaps, a little more preparation to know that Sterling Shephard was back in the lineup would have helped him just get that one more win that may be the difference between making the playoffs or not?   Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....

Cheers bitches,

The Commish

Week 5 News and Notes

Oy!

It's been a stupid busy fall so far, so there's been much recap-procrastinating in the Commissioner's office.  I'm tearing through these weeks faster than Steve and Maine tear through an FAB budget.  But it's Friday, I'm on the porch, it's 80 degrees in October, so let's see what the hell is going on around here...

Week 5 News and Notes:

• 71.23.  That's how many combined points Jonathan Taylor and Lamar Jackson scored on Monday night.  At the same time, on a Pickleball Court in Fairfax:
• Mike F:  "So I guess our matchup all comes down to tonight's game."
• Jason: "Nah, I'm behind by like 50 points and you still have Lamar Murray.  It's over unless Lamar Jackson has like 7 touchdowns."
• Steve, who we sort of tricked into drafting Mark Andrews, got 36 points out of that same Mark Andrews in Week 5.  Steve: "Who's laughing now, motherfuckers?!"
• Meanwhile, after scoring 126 and losing, at what point do we think Maine stops paying his taxes?  Has he already stopped paying them?  Did he ever pay them?  Maine: "I'm not sayin nothin'"
• Robby started 4 Wide Receivers and they scored a grand total of 19.3 points.  He lost.
• Falafel got 24.9 points out of Jamarr Chase alone.  He won. 
• Falafel started Josh Allen (who threw for 3 TDs) but did not start Emmanuel Sanders (who scored 2 of those TDs), instead starting something called Laviska Shenault Jr. at flex.  When has anyone ever been happy about starting Laviska Shenault Jr.?  Commish Rule of Thumb #47 - If the players are at all close, just go for the double up, man!  
• Chubba Hubbard is not the reason MCole lost last week.  It was everyone else on his team that isn't on the Dallas Cowboys.  
• Meanwhile, Brad dominated again to the tune of 161 total points, and he did it with one Courtland Sutton tied behind his back.  Fear the Mazzle.
• The most exciting encounter of Week 5 was a 147-142, 5 point edging of Thong by Sausage.  There was just enough action with Sausage to squirt by the Thong, despite Barkley going down on him early.  The real difference was his (Dionte) Johnson, coming up with a big performance for the first time in weeks.  You gotta hand it to Sausage, that was quite the climactic win. 
• Lastly, if this league was in a private Squid Game, here are everyone's odds of winning, with no explanation:
• Falafel: 3-1
• Mazzle: 7-2
• Maine, Robby: 4-1
• Thong: 6-1
• MCole: 10-1
• Sausage, MFrank: 15-1
• Steve, Commish: 20-1

Coming next week - Power Rankings!!

Cheers,

The Commish

Week 2 Recap

 Howdy folks!

A day late, and a dollar short, but here's the fraction-less Week 2 recap...

Commish 145 - Falafel 96

Falafel's season has started the same way his mom likes it in bed - Rough!   Also, 0 and 2?  Josh Allen has regressed, George Kittle has looked ordinary, and Joe Mixon's foot is hanging by a loose tendon.  

Meanwhile, in your Mediocre Wide Receiver Update of the Week, your trusty commish once again started 2 out of 3 wrong wideouts.  (But when the other one is Cooper Kupp, that makes up for a multitude of management sins.)   Anyone want to trade me a WR2?  

Maine 164 - Thong 128

As the Packers go, so does Maine's team.  This will be a major storyline to watch as the season progresses.  His 4 Packers players went from 0.8 combined points in Week 1 to 85.09.  That's a week-to-week increase of 10636.25%!  That is hard to do!  .. In other Maine news, he is taking the aggressive FAAB strategy to the extreme, bidding loads of cash on unproven mediocrities, and only has a pittance left to spend for the whole season.  I fully expect him to spend his last $14 on the ghost of Dennis Northcutt, somehow.

Thong put up a respectable total this week, but still leads the early race for Auction Bitch.  He has spent $0 of his FAAB budget and might not realize he has any money to spend.  There's a 30% chance he still has $100 left at the end of the season, and a 10% chance he thinks FAAB stands for "Free As A Bird".  

Extra Billy 153 - Mazzle 90  

Even when casually referring to Robby now, he's just "Extra Billy." He may never change his team name again.  His stars - Mahomes, Thielen, Henry(!), and Kelce - came out to play big-time in Week 2, and he bounced back with a huge win.  Also Gronk good!  Gronk no need watch game film!  Gronk catch balls from best friend Tommy! Gronk catch 2 scores again!  Gronk make man justify start two Tight End!    Grooooonnnnnk!  

Oh, and to his surprise, Mazzle is also in this league.

Also Happy Birthday!!

Sausage 125 - Steve 109

When 6 out of 9 other teams in the league would have beaten you, can you really bemoan your bad luck at getting "continuously outscored"?  That's like the NY Giants complaining that they got outscored by the Washington Football Team.  Technically that's true, but also, technically, that's just called losing.  

Also, Sausage got Tom Brady for $1 at the draft.  What the hell are we doing here people!?  

Mike Frank 131 - Mike Cole 94

In the first Mike-Bowl of the season, it was Frank coming out ahead of Cole, thanks to pretty consistent play across the board that somehow added up to 131, but looking at his players' scores,  I'm not really seeing it.  Looks more like 109 to me.  But that still would have been enough to beat Mike Cole, who like the Miami Dolphins, came crashing back to earth in Week 2.  

Cheers bitches!

- The Commish

Week 1 Recap

Howdy Folks!

While we all ponder how much to bid for Mark Ingram, let's start the season off on the right foot and dive right in with a Week 1 Recap....

109.91  Wong-Master of the Mystic Arts  defeats   68.01 Bacon Lettuce Tornado

Reigning MVP and Jeopardy Host Aaron Rodgers, stud RB Aaron Jones, TE stalwart Robert Tonyan, and the ferocious Green Bay Defense?  What do all of these have in common besides playing for the division favorite Packers?  They all started for Maine's team in Week 1.  And they all sucked harder than Jay Cutler unclogging Kristin Cavallari's milk ducts.  They combined for a TOTAL of 0.8 points.  That is really difficult to do!   Along with Jerry "Doug" Jeudy getting hurt, that is NOT not a great start to the season for Maine. ... Meanwhile, in what is bound to be a weekly tradition, I started 2 out of 3 wrong Wide Receivers.   Stay tuned for more updates on my Wide Receivers as events warrant.  

132.93 Harvester of Sorrow defeats 121.51 The Falafel Resurrections 

Falafel got mondo days out of Deebo "Deebo" Samuel and Joe "My Foot Is Going To Fall Off Any Day Now" Mixon, but other than a TD from AJ Brown, he didn't get much else exciting out of the rest of his team.  (Zeke Elliot in particular looked super sketchy.)  That was enough to open the door for Mazzle to harvest some motherfucking sorrow.  Mazzle got pretty consistent play across the board to destroy by 11 points and suck all the joy out Falafel's life.  

Nobody was more surprised about this than Mazzle:

128.53 Snausages defeats 123.43 Extra Billy

When you wear your own custom championship T-Shirt to draft weekend, you better be prepared to back that shit up.  Alas, Robby's stars and scrubs approach failed him in week 1.  Derek "Henry" Henry (with only 58 yards) wasn't starry enough and Ronald Jones (-0.60 pts) was extra scrubby.  On the flip side, Sean had a banner Sunday, playing pickleball in the morning, watching his Steelers beat the Bills in the afternoon, and edging Robby by 5 points thanks to yadda yadda yadda.  (Seems like a lot of effort for me to tell you which of Sean's players did well - you know how to look at a box score, you lazy bastard.)

185.71 Majestik Møøse defeats 152.16 So Mote It Be  

This one deserves a couple haikus:

Scores One Fifty Two

Still Loses by Thirty Three 

That's so Rappaport

What's he to do now?

I have an awesome idea!

Another Tight End?

------

And one more for MCole...

Ooh!  The Moose is Loose!

Prescott and Cooper go Nuts!

All downhill from here.

124.44 Rabbi Milligan defeats   87.06  ThongDeltaLamda

Rabbi Milligan: "Only a fool thinks the world’s gonna stay exactly as it was."

Thong got 16.5 points from Josh Jacobs, 18.2 points from Mike Williams, 16.9 points from Jarvis Landry, and 21 points from Jamaal Williams.  Unfortunately they were all on his bench.  'Nuff said.

That's all I got for now.  Have a festive week and an easy fast on Thursday, for those into that sort of thing.  

Peace and Chicken Grease,

- The Commish