Week 3 Recap

Howdy Folks,

Before getting into the festive Week 3 recap, a few words about the alleged NFL team, the Miami Dolphins.

The really sad thing, to me, is that all of the players and coaches are actually trying really hard.  They really are.  And this is the BEST that they can do.  They simply can't do any better.  They are just not good at doing the one thing that they are paid to do - play professional football.  They are not bad people.  They are just bad at football.  At this point, I just feel sorry for them.  And they still have to play 13 more games.

Now for this week's recap, sponsored by Google Autocomplete suggestions....


Commish Choad 121 - SteveO 80

When I type the phrase "steve is a" into Google, the 2nd suggestion is "steve is a scuba diver who is concerned".  And he should be concerned after that performance!  It's still early in the season, but that was quite the steep drop underwater from first to fifth for Steve.  Plus, the new Pink Floyd album just got delayed!  See - Steve should have saved his bitching.  He blew his wad last week, and he probably doesn't have any vitriol left...


BaconCraft 135 - ShitStain 125

More fun with Google's Autocomplete:
"Jermaine is here" (1st suggestion)
"Jermaine is gay" (2nd suggestion)

Three weeks into the season, and it's already been a wild ride for Maine.  RGIII, AP, Ryan Matthews, Moreno, etc.  Somehow though, his team is way better than you'd expect considering all the auction money already flushed down the toilet.  He's 2-1 and scrappin!  Donald Brown!  (However, when you consider Peterson, Cooper, and Boldin, there are a large percentage of assholes on his team.  And I'm just betting Zach Ertz is a dick too.)


Sean Forman 115 - Mike Cole 106

Once again, Google Autocomplete has the answers.  When I type in the phrase "why is my brother", the very first suggestion is "why is my brother retarded".  (No surprise there.)  Meanwhile, the first suggestion is for "sean is" - "sean is awesome". (Good for him!)  ... At 0-3 it's already starting to look like another lost season for Mike Cole.  Can he turn it around against me next week with half my team on bye?  It's now or never....


Bradley 113 - Mike Frank 80

I couldn't love these first suggestions more:
"bradley is a girl's name"
"mike is a theory"

Bradley surges back into second place with her team getting big weeks from Matty Ryan and Jeremy Maclin and probably some other guys too.  She convincingly beat Mike Frank, who - according to the Mike Theory of Mediocrity - must have been on an off week.


Thong 109 - Robby 69

This one was off the board in Vegas before it even started.  They couldn't make the point spread high enough.  You can't stop Thong, you can only hope to contain him.  I think Google suggests it best - "rich is gangsta"


Cheers,
"commish is wise"

Week 2 Recap

Hey Gang,

Here are some reader-suggested subtitles for this week's recap:


Week 2: Where everyone's players got hurt or arrested
Week 2: Where the total scores regressed to the mean
Week 2: The One with the Monkey
Week 2: Electric Boogaloo
Week 2: Where Reality Sets In. 




Falafel 112 - Colonel Choad 102

Thanks to the Legion of Poop and Andrew the Giant, Falafel takes this one by a nose.  More importantly, he needs to stop changing his damn team name.

His three and only three options are:
1.  Leave name as is
2. Change name to something Falafel-based and leave it at that
3. Keep changing names and be refereed to in this recap, on the message boards, etc. for the rest of this season as "Shit-Stain".


BaconCraft 110 - Fudge 95

Question: What does Maine have in common with Jay Gruden?
Answer:  The injury to RGIII lets him avoid a season long QB controversy and start the better player.

This week Maine started Russell Wilson and found himself in the win column.  Also, Jordy Freaking Nelson!!!

Meanwhile, Robby "Fudge" Friedman is at 2-1 odds in Vegas to be the Auction Bitch next year.

Steve 123 - Mike Frank 116
Mike Frank 99 - Mike Cole 89

So let me get this straight...  Steve is undefeated, in first place, and couldn't be more bitter?  And Mike Frank has a mediocre team that is 1-1 on the season?  You gotta be shitting me!!!!  C'mon...is this opposite day or something?  No way anyone could have predicted that.   Next you'll be telling me that Sean is bald or Mike Cole is making excuses for his terrible team.

As far as the football stuff goes, that seems like a lot of effort for me to analyze and type up.  So what you should do, is go back to Yahoo and look at the box scores yourself and then you'll know what happened. Problem solved!!!


Thong 99 - Mazzle 83

Here's a fun fact:  Bradley somehow managed to score almost exactly half of his point total from last week.  That is hard to do.  He's 1-1.

Here's another fun fact: Before Draft Weekend, for practice, Thong does mock drafts while parachuting out of an airplane.  That way he's prepared for anything under pressure.  He's 2-0.


Cheers,
The Commish

Week 1 Recap

Howdy Folks,

And we're off!  And Holy Crap, those are some high point totals!  Thanks to the crazy new scoring changes, where you get 0.5 points for every catch, 1 point for every 10 yards, 25 points for every concussion, and 36.5 points for every woman you punch, no one has any bloody idea what a good score is anymore.  (I suppose we can say that under 100 for the week is usually going to lose, but really, who the hell knows yet...) 

Let's dig into the box scores, shall we?

Choad 135 - Bacon 75

Between Russell Wilson, Knowshon Moreno, Zach Ertz, and Anquan Boldin, those were some damn impressive double digit scorers for Maine.  Unfortunately ALL of of those guys were on his bench, sipping cowboy whiskey and watching his starters suck balls.  I know it's early, but this seems like it might be the season of Complete and Utter Mismanagement (C.U.M.) where Maine picks the wrong starters every single week.  Stay tuned....


Sean 118 - Falafel (pick a name with Falafel in it and stick with it dammit!) 104

Thanks to $4 Vernon (his new nickname) and his phat 18 TE points, Sean edged Travis in the closest matchup of the weekend.  And that was with a down week from Rodgers and Demaryius.  Seems like someone doesn't want to be Auction Bitch again!  .. Meanwhile, Falafel is already scrambling now that he realizes his running backs are worthless. 


O Steve My Steve 132 - Mike Frank's Gutterballs 99

Despite little production from TE, Kicker, or Defense, Steve wins this one handily.  He's used to winning things handily!  (You know...with his left hand.)  (You know...like when he's by himself.)  (You know...er...masturbation.) (Uh...never mind...let's move on...) ... On the flip side, Mike Frank's Master Plan has officially begun!!! (Hint...it apparently starts with Jamaaal Chaaarles sucking and probably finishes with a .500 record)


Thong 144 - Mike Cole 86

Meet the New Bruce, same as the Old Bruce.  Mike Cole picks up where he left off last year, getting absolutely crushed.  He might be stretched a bit too thin, given that he's in 17 leagues this year; these include:  a standard league, a 2 QB league, a dynasty league, a PPR league, an IDP league, a 3 Kicker league, a TE only league, a league where the loser has to get a face tattoo, and the Ted Marshall Open TV Death Pool. .. On the other side of the ledger, Thong keeps chugging along with his winning ways.  Maybe next year, he'll up the level of difficulty by drafting inside an active Volcano.


Mazzle 165 - Robby's Fudge 94

Though I don't really understand the new scoring yet, I think it's a reasonable assumption to make that 165 is "a good score."  Damn Bradley!  Way to go ape shit even with one Bernard Pierce behind your back. ... As for Robby, there's only one thing to say really....

Cheers,
The Commish

Victory Lap and Year-End Awards

And Thus Endeth another fantasy football season. 

I'd like to thank the many, many people who made my ultimate victory possible.... in no particular order...

First, I'd like to thank Maine for sucking so badly in the championship game that my three players going tonight aren’t even needed.  I had mistakenly thought he was trying to reverse-jinx his team by badmouthing it, but it turns out he was speaking the gods-honest-truth.  So apologies!  And condolences…

Next, I’d like to thank The Denver Broncos, who - despite Homer Simpsons' protests - are an actual NFL team.  I'll be rooting for Petyon and Demarius during the playoffs out of habit.   Unbelievable. 

I’d like to thank Robert F. Friedman for out-sucking me in the semi-final game.  He’ll have to console himself with his Law Firm partnership, Mr. Florida Jew pageant 4^th place runner up victory, and his terrible facial hair.

I’d like to thank Thong for keeping my trophy warm.  And also not making the final and beating me again.  Please don’t hunt down Matt Ryan with a shotgun this offseason. 

I’d like to thank Nick Foles for throwing 7 touchdowns during Peyton’s bye week.

I’d like to thank Sean for being bald.

I’d like to thank my millions of fans all around the world for cheering me on this season.  Your emails, tweets, and letters made all the difference.

I’d like to thank my brother for typing my winning team’s players into the computer on draft day.  I wouldn’t have a team without you, bro!  You’ll always be my Auction Bitch!!!

I’d like to thank Mike Frank for being mind-numbingly predictable.

I’d like to thank Steve for being entertaining as hell and also trading me Giovani Bernard. 

I’d like to thank whoever sneezed into Benjarvis Green-Ellis’s salad and got him sick last week.

And finally, I’d like to thank Travis’s mom for keeping me relaxed all season.  It’s good to be the king.

Now, let’s hand out a few awards:

Best Team Name:  Yes!  Yes!  Bacon! – why beat around the bush?
Worst Team Name: (tie.) General Gonad and Abby Normal.  We expect better from the Cole boys.

Most Underpaid:  ($1 - tie) Alshon Jeffery, Falafel; Knowshon Moreno, Commish
Sean Forman Memorial Most Overpaid:  Ray Rice, $51, Sean Forman

Best Waiver Wire Pickup:  Alshon Jeffery, Maine

Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Every New England running back, all the freaking time - Commish
Dennis Northcutt Memorial Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Nate Burleson, natch - Everyone

Best Luck: Thong

Worst Luck: Is there any doubt on this one?  Steve-O, in a unanimous decision.

Best Trade:  Um, I dunno….
Worst Trade: Everything that Steve did.

Waiver Wire Champ:  The winner and still champion – Steve!   This seemed like it was the Commish’s to lose, but Steve went out and picked up every Florida Gator he could for the Jean Shorts Bowl.  So he tanked the consolation bracket championship to win the Waiver Wire Championship!  Well done Steve!  Or something!
Waiver Wire Chump: Robby, who made 11 moves all season and still made the playoffs.  Makes ya wonder….

Best Hair and Makeup: Sean

Post of the Year:  Steve, for the first of many Florida Gator rants.

Poster of the Year:  Steve-O, and it wasn’t particularly close this year.

Mr Irrelevant: Bradley

Peace Out and Merry New Year!!!

I promise to be a kind and benevolent Champion.

- The Commish

Playoff Preview Steve-a-ganza!

“Playoffs?  Playoffs???  Don’t talk about playoffs!  I’m just hoping we can win a game!”  So says the most bitter and spiteful team owner in League history.  But it's all good, because, as a consolation prize, I get to preview this year's Playoff Matchups for the Chicken Bone Cup.  It's an All-ACC Playoff, with 3 Cavaliers (whatever the fuck that is) and 1 Frightened Turtle.  And we all know that has about as much appeal as taking a shower with Jerry Sandusky!  So, sit back and enjoy your "2013 Chicken Bone Playoff Preview: Go Fuck a Goat Edition."


Game 1
Trophy Thong vs. Yes! Yes! Bacon
Are you ready for some Bacon on Thong action???  Pigs in a Thong, anyone?  Defending Champion Thong enters this matchup riding a hot one-game win streak and sporting the league's best defense.  Only 1037 points were scored on Thong this season.  So, Thong has not been involved in a lot of scoring this year.  Sorry to hear that!

The Fightin’ Thongs go into battle with Matt Ryan at QB, a solid receiving corps starring some French Fuck and a guy who hasn't yet realized he still plays for the Browns.....speaking of which, I need to go take the Browns to the Super Bowl.....
.....ok, I'm back.  Much better now.  And he has a ridiculous stable of RBs with Lynch, Morris and Rainey.  Unstoppable?  Perhaps!

On the flip side, Maine comes into this matchup as a first-time participant in the Chicken Bone playoffs!  So, you know, good luck with that!  Maine is starting Matthew Stafford at QB, who is awesome as long as he isn't playing in a fucking Nor’easter.  Also, he has some scraps at WR and a guy named Toby running the ball.  Plus he has guys named Shorts and Woodhead.  I think what I am trying to say is Maine would have a better chance if he was starting Paris Hilton at WR.

This game is going to come down to one thing and one thing only:  weather and matchups! 


So, get out your strap on and enjoy the ride! 

Yahoo Pick: Travis’ Mom’s G-String 91, Pig Flesh 89

Steve's Pick:  Flip a coin?  Let’s see, I’ve never hooked up with one of Rich’s ex-girlfriends, so let’s go with him.

Fun Fact #1: Maine moonlights as Sammy Hagar’s lead guitarist.  I saw him play last month!

Fun Fact #2: According to studies, first-time playoff participants win 42.6% of their first round matchups.  Defending champions win 72.8% of their first round matches.  And I make up 94.9% of my studies!


Game 2, the Nightcap
General Gonad vs. Crazy Ass White Boy
Are you ready for some Gonad on White Boy action???  Former champion Jason enters this week hoping to place his gonads right smack on Robby’s forehead!  The Fighting Peytons bring their duo of Broncos to the table along with….umm, wait, who the fuck else is on this team?  Fuck it, who cares?  When you have Peyton and Demaryious, you don’t need anything else!  I’m sure that strategy won’t totally backfire sometime in the next two weeks!!

The better half of Strobby enters the week with a broken Aaron Rodgers along with…..wait, what?  Some dumbfuck owner traded him Drew Brees in exchange for a hot bag of used tampons?  Well, maybe those tampons are from Houston, the tampon capital of the world!  And maybe that owner thought those tampons would really plug up the gaping holes in his roster and stop the bleeding caused by a hysterical losing streak!  Who knows….I’m just speculating.  But I digest….

This matchup really has all of the drama and excitement we look for every year in the playoffs.  We’ve got two top QBs chucking their balls all over the place.  We’ve got family members fighting to the death during the Holidays.  We’ve got a great, traditional ACC football matchup between UVa and UMd alumni (so you know the quality of football will be borderline retarded).  

This matchup is going to come down to one thing and one thing only:  Kickers.  As of this writing, Robby has one, and Jason doesn’t.  My money is on the guy with a complete roster!

Disclaimer:  It’s a bold strategy, but if Jason does eventually decide to drop one of his worthless bench players for a kicker, then this matchup will come down to one thing and one thing only:  Peyton Manning’s arm and Robby’s receiving corps.  With Drew Brees and 3 legitimate stud WRS, Robby may just have too much firepower this year. 

So, get out your 10-pound Shetland Pony and enjoy the ride!

Yahoo Pick: Vanilla Ice 88, Shriveled Nads 86

Steve’s Pick: Did I seriously lose to these fuckers???  I’ll take Strobby by a cunt hair.

Fun Fact #1: Jason is dedicating this season to the memory of Nelson Mandela.  Or maybe he’s dedicating it to the memories of the band Nelson and Howie Mandel?  Not sure.  I know it’s someone who did some important shit a long time ago!

Fun Fact #2: Robby has Syphilis.


Consolation Bracket
And, in the League’s Special Olympics, we have 2 really bad matchups!  In the matchup between the Fighting Falafels and the Fighting Pretzels, we have the guys who traded stud quarterbacks for stud receivers.  Nice trade, assholes.  Steve’s Pick:  Pretzels go better with beer, take Mike Frank and the points!

And finally, in the battle of the Douchebags, Abby Normal takes on I Love Lamp.  Perfect names, since these teams were clearly managed this entire season by Peter Boyle’s corpse and Brick Tamland, respectively.  Remember when everyone was afraid to play my team in the playoffs?  Yeah, go fuck a goat!

Will we see a rematch of last year’s Chicken Bone Finals?  Will Hell freeze over and Robby win a championship, signifying the End of Times (and 6 more weeks of winter)?  Will Steve lose yet another week and go on an Aaron Hernand-esque murder spree?  Tune in to find out!

Regular Season Recap

Howdy Folks,

Without preamble, here are few news and notes and insane ramblings to recap the end of the regular season...

- Thong defends his Chicken Bone cup with a dominating regular season, finishing with the #1 seed going into the playoffs.  Looking at his points against, it seems most of the league was scared to play him most weeks and wilted under the pressure of Thong's mighty ass cheeks.  INTIMIDATION!!!

- My team makes the playoffs yet again, but it's still to be determined whether my annual soul-crushing loss comes this week or if it's in the championship game next week.  Stay tuned!

- Congrats to Robby for an outstanding regular season!  He is now truly royalty around here...

- And congrats to Maine for making his first Chicken Bone playoff appearance.  It turns out that getting his daughters to draft for him this year whilst not trying to bid on 17 kickers has paid off handsomely.  (Or at least baldly.)

- You gotta hand it to Mike Frank.  He's nothing if not consistent.  Take a look at his team's performance the last three years:

	Record	Place
2013	7-7	5
2012	7-7	5
2011	7-7	5

- As for the also-rans, the less said about Brother Cole's season, the better.  Steve has already said too damn much about his team already.  (Seriously, settle down Beavis.)  Falafel was more interested in new pussy than fantasy football this year.  And Brad's team was a disaster from the start.

- And finally, the illustrious title of Auction Bitch goes to Sean "Sausage King" Forman.  Have fun bringing us beer and typing in all the winning bids next year!  Bet your other 5 leagues don't have that!


Cheers,
The Commish

Playoff Picture

So the playoff picture is pretty cut and dried at this point.  Thong and I are ready to rumble again, and Robby (Robby!) has clinched a spot and is primed to make some serious noise. (I'm officially scared to play him.  I am, however, so hoping he has to pick between Brees and Rodgers to start and agonizes for days over who to pick and then picks the wrong one and loses and then regrets it for the rest of his life.)  The last playoff spot up for grabs is between Maine and MFrank.  Since we know Pretzel Boy will lose this week to finish at 7-7, if Maine wins, he's definitely in.  And even if he loses, he just can't completely suck.

The race for last place and the first ever Auction Bitch is still anybody's game.


Anyhow, here's a more official breakdown, courtesy of Brother Cole...

#1 seed:

If Rich wins then it's his. 

If he loses and Jason wins then Jason is #1 seed.

#2 seed:

If Rich wins and Jason wins, Jason is #2 (isn't he always #2?)

If Rich wins, Jason loses, and Robby wins then Robby is #2

If Rich loses, Jason wins, and Robby wins and Rich out scores Robby this week by 0.84 then Rich is #2

If Rich loses, Jason wins, and Robby wins and Rich does not out score Robby this week by 0.84 then Robby is #2

#3 seed:

If Rich wins and Jason wins then Robby is #3

If Rich wins, Jason loses, and Robby wins then Jason is #3

If Rich loses, Jason wins, and Robby wins and Rich out scores Robby this week by 0.84 then Robby is #2

If Rich loses, Jason wins, and Robby wins and Rich does not out score Robby this week by 0.84 then Rich is #3

#4 seed:

If Maine wins and MikeF loses then Maine is #4

If MikeF wins and Maine loses then MikeF is #4

If both Maine and MikeF win or lose then MikeF has to outscore Maine by 50.6 to be #4

Cheers,
The Commish