Year-End Awards

Hey everybody. Hope you all are having a great holiday season, stuffing yourselves silly, enjoying the last vestiges of football, and generally enjoying some festive downtime. Thanks for another ridiculous season of fantasy football. Time to dole out a few year-end awards around here.

Best Team Name: The Foo Man Jew
Worst Team Name: Avathong

Best Draft Pick: Sergeant Shaft, Arian Foster (4th round)
Worst Draft Pick: Deez Bacon Balls, Ryan Matthews (1st round)

Best Message Board Quote: "I hope he gets raped by a deer on Thanksgiving!" - Steve
Worst Message Board Quote: "Yes, Arizona, the real Mike Frank will be in the house." - MFrank

Best West Coaster: Maine, for being the hostess with the mostest
Worst West Coaster: Falafel, for being MIA since September

Best Luck: Brother Cole
Worst Luck: Falafel
Worst, then Best, then Worst Luck: Commish

Best Waiver Wire Pickup: Brother Cole, Mike Vick
Dennis Northcutt Memorial Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Jabar Gaffney, Multiple People

Waiver Wire Champ: Commish (45 mostly useless moves)
Waiver Wire Chump: Falafel (only 8 moves!)

Best Playoff Preview: N/A
Worst Playoff Preview: Ryan Grant's Ankle

Best Cinematography: Strobby
Worst Cinematography: Travich

Poster of the Year: In a down year for posting, with life and shit getting in the way of what really matters, I was tempted to just give this award to myself or Steve. But one person actually stepped up his game a bit, and I'm giving it to him. (I mean the award.) So a hearty Mazzle Tazzle to Bradley, who reigned over the Chicken Bone cup with style, grace, and flatulence.

Peace Out,
- The Commish

Semi-Final Recap: "Semi-Hard"

So the nightmare scenario has come true - an all Cole final. But let's recap this thing for posterity sake.

Sergeant Shaft 92.26 Deez Bacon Balls 58.62
In the under-card, the Bacon Balls proved they was just happy to be here. Except for Jamaal Charles and eventually DeSean Jackson, nobody on their team really showed up to play. However, it was a successful, scrappy season for the Baconators, and they should be proud of all that they accomplished while ignoring their wife and daughters. ... On the flip-side, Team Shaft scored his usual about-90 points and coasted to an easy victory behind the arm of Phil Rivers, the legs of Chris Johnson, and the 22 giant balls of the San Diego Defense. The good Sergeant's team is primed and ready for the championship game.


Lemon Curry? 130.78 Fuck the Eagles 93.96
In a higher scoring affair than Paris Hilton's prom, the evil Brother Cole (why don't you just grow a goatee already?!) bested the surly Steven (who for some reason has something against Don Henley). I haven't checked with the Elias Sports Bureau yet, but I believe that this was our league's highest scoring playoff game ever. Steve has nothing to be ashamed of, with the exception of everything not fantasy football-related. 130 is a frickin monster score, and BrotherCole put it up thanks to Mike Vick, Vincent Jackson, and Sebastian Janikowski - three of the nicest people you'll ever meet. His team is surging at the right time, heading into Chicken Bone Bowl this weekend.


Nothing left now but the game....

- The Commish

Week 14 Recap: "Put up, or shut up"

Well, we're all set for the yahoo playoffs, with the usual Cole contingent, plus a couple of random yahoos. (To note: 9 out of the 10 teams - and a full 9 out of the 9 non-homosexual teams - ended up with final records between 6-8 and 8-6. That's parity, bitches.) But how did we end up here?....

Sergeant Shaft 90.79 Disposable Heroes 70.48
Everyone except Brad got his wish, and I won handily to capture the #2 seed. Putting up right around 90 points for the 3rd straight week, and 4th straight win, my team is surging heading into the playoffs. But will my indecisive management doom me in the playoffs? (like in my other league where Sunday morning I wisely dropped Shayne Graham and picked up Graham Gano?) ... On the other side of the two headed coin, Bradley's hopes of repeating as champ were dashed, as two losses in a row doomed him. Doooooooooooooomed him. His season fades to black....

Stabbed In The Hand 62.15 Avathong 85.21
No shorts for you!!!

Lemon Curry? 101.94 Ryan Grant's Ankle 73.22
Sean needed to score about 56 more points than he did to make the playoffs. But he didn't, so he didn't. His team seemed better than 6-8, but the standings don't lie. Maybe if he had Ryan Grant to start, things might have turned out differently. What ever happened to that guy anyhow? Hand injury, I think...

Despicable Falafel 96.31 The Foo Man Jew 120.77
Fitting that in the last week of the season, Falafel is still getting a bazillion points scored on him. I bet he'd be really pissed off if he was still alive right now. ... And don't get me started on Robby. With some more consistency, his team could've been a contender. But where is he? How can we find him? My guess - with the sketchy facial hair, he ended up on Megan's list.

Fighting Muschamps 74.20 Deez Bacon Balls 81.39
And this one ended up being a win-win for both "guys." Maine wins to get in the playoffs, and Steve loses to make the playoffs too and avoid the 1st Round Shaft. Everyone's happy! (At least for one week.)

Merry Playoffs/Festivus Everyone!!!
- The Commish

P.S. I'm working to cajole a playoff preview out of someone, so look for it in this space later this week.

Week 13 Recap: "Playoffs? PLAYOFFS?!?"

Kickoffs, handoffs, dropoffs,
leadoffs, liftoffs, blastoffs,
tradeoffs, selloffs, castoffs,
sendoffs, standoffs...playoffs.

OK, time to talk brass tax.... here are the playoff scenarios going into the last week of the regular season. (As always, the office of the commissioner makes no guarantees of the logic, math, or general accuracy of the following information. Also most of the office is pretty drunk right now.)

Counting down the hits, with everything as usual being about me....

1. Lemon Curry
In, with the undeserved #1 seed. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.

2. Sergeant Shaft
In, barring a cataclysmic change in total points. Will get the #2 seed with a win this week, the #4 seed with a loss. Fear the Shaft. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.

3. Enrico Palazzo
Win and In. Lose and he'll need a Disposable Heroes loss AND Ryan Grant's Ankle to either lose or end up with less points AND an adult diaper. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.

4. Disposable Heroes
Win and In. Lose and he'll need a Deez Bacon Balls loss AND a Ryan Grant's Ankle loss (barring a cataclysmic change in total points) AND Falafel to either lose or end up with less points AND a partridge in a pear tree. Luck..runs..out.

5. Deez Bacon Balls
Win and In. Lose and he'll need Disposable Heroes to lose and make up a 58 point difference in points AND a Ryan Grant's Ankle loss AND Falafel to either lose or make up a 72 point difference in points AND to recite the alphabet backwards while standing on his head patting his tummy and eating bacon. So..um...he probably shouldn't lose. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.

6. Ryan Grant's Ankle
Lose and he's out. Win and, barring the aforementioned cataclysmic change in total points, he'll just need a Disposable Heroes loss AND a Deez Bacon Balls loss. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week. (Also a belated Recap congrats to Sean and Mrs Sean, who are expecting their first child - a boy - in April! And extra kudos for proper planning - unlike Bradley and Brother Cole - so that he will still be able to make it to draft weekend. Thong should be taking notes.)

7. Despicable Falafel (aka The Walking Dead Falafel)
Lose and he's out. Win and he'll need to win on total points with a Disposable Heroes loss AND a Deez Bacon Balls loss AND a Ryan Grant's Ankle loss. But he's somehow still alive in this thing. Which is pretty crazy if you think about it. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.

8. Stabbed In The Hand
Lose and he's out. Win and he's out too, barring a yada yada yada total points. He would need a Hanukkah Miracle to make it. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.

9. The Foo Man Jew
Down and Out. Should have written some gay poetry - might have helped the karma.

10. Avathong
Out. He'll need a win AND a Foo Man Jew loss AND a Stabbed In The Hand loss making up 58 total points AND 2 more wins...then he'll get the jean shorts.


Good luck everyone!!! And thanks for cheering for me this week!!
- The Commish

Week 10-12 Recap: "Nice Beaver"

Hi there folks,

Long time, no 'cap. Hope everyone had a good 'n plenty Turkey Weekend. Around these parts, parity abounds, with no team having a worse record than 5-7 and only one lucky ass jerk having a record better than 7-5. So with the regular season winding down, we're overdue to take stock of everyone's situation. So let's recap the latest turn of events, stock-watch style....




Trending Up:




Sergeant Shaft
“You're excited? You should feel my nipples!” The time for being coy or quiet about this team is past. Your trusty Commish has the best damn team in the league. Period. And now that he's scratched and clawed his way up the standings after an unfathomable 1-4 start to the season, he's got the team to beat. (And just wait until Chris Johnson isn't playing with Rusty "Trombone" Smith.) Nobody wants a piece of this in the playoffs or otherwise. Fear the Shaft.

Stevie-G
"Hey, it's Enrico Palazzo!!!" Steve has won 3 of his last 4, and despite having 43 Quarterbacks on his team, has a very talented squad. (He collects more average quarterbacks than Urban Meyer). He's got a big showdown looming this weekend against Mazzle Tazzle that could very well determine which of them make the playoffs.

Falafelitis
"Jane: Goodyear? Frank: No, the worst. " In the too little, too late category, here comes Travis "Nordberg" Harrup! Despite giving up on his team a month ago, paying next to no attention to anything, and chalking up only 8 transactions all year, the unsinkable Falafel has won 3 in a row to play the ultimate league spoiler. Is he still mathematically alive for the playoffs? I dunno, that would require math. Probably not though. Still, kudos or something.

Mazzle Tazzle
"Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through." Two wins in a row and Bradley's #1 power poll ranked team is poised for another run at the Chicken Bone cup. Is is team actually any good though? I just stared at his roster for 15 minutes straight, and still have no bloody idea. He's spotting dimes, he's eating onions, I don't know what's going on!





Even, Shirley:






Liz Lemon
"Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes." The diminutive Brother Cole is riding his early season success all the way to the playoffs, despite his .500 record over his last 8 games. (Hey look ma, real analysis!) His fortunes lie with the success of Michael Vick, whose names coincidentally rhymes with Michael Dick.

Baldy McBalderson
"I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!" He's been up and down all season, in the playoffs one week, out of the playoffs the next. Sitting at 6-6, Sean is a mess of insecurity, indecision, and indigestion.







Trending Down:




Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon's Balls
"Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Frank: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith."
Loser of 2 in a row after an insane run of good fortune, Maine could finish with the number 1 seed in the playoffs or end up smack in the middle of the consolation bracket. There's just no telling with him. Good thing he'll be too tired, drunk, or both to care.

Avathong/MFrank
"Rich: There's something wrong with your fantasy team, and we need to fix it right away.
Mike: My fantasy team?! What is it?
Rich: It's a fake football team full of crappy players, but that's not important right now."
These guys get lumped completely together, as neither of their teams are any good and they've lost a combined 8 games in a row between them. They are both exactly where they belong.

Foo Man Jew
"Frank: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
Jane: He’s Caucasian.
Ed: Caucasian?
Jane: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A mustache. About six-foot-three.
Frank: Awfully big mustache."

And Don't Call Me Shirley,
- The Commish

Week 9 Recap: "Power Rankings"

This has been one of the wackiest Chicken Bone seasons on record so far - full of close wins, fuzzy math, and upside down standings. (The top 4 point scorers are all 4-5!) So let's break out a power poll:

D-U-N Division
10. Falafel Sadness
With by FAR, the most points scored against him, Travis is the hardest luck loser we've ever seen in this league. Opponents are averaging over 100 points against him. It's insane. Except for RB, this is a pretty respectable team. But at 2-7, you can stick a fork in him.

Fading Fast Division
9. To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar
Loser of 4 straight, Robby knew his 1.3 seasons of success were too good to last. So now what time is it? Time for some gay poetry dammit! Bust some rhymes fool!

In The (Mike) Hunt Division
8. Jersey Muff Cabbage
Stevie-G has just enough of a point total and just enough talent on his team to have plenty of gooey false hope. This week's Strobby Bowl XVII is key for him, as he has half his team on bye going into a virtual elimination match.

7. Ryan Grant's Scrotum
Sean's squad has lost 2 in a row, but is pretty deep talent-wise and can't be counted out just yet. He'll sink or swim on the arm of Big Ben, who failed him in a 2-pt loss last night.

6. The Commish
Shhhh.....

Pretenders To The Crown Division
5. Thong
Ahhh...at least one thing is normal this season. We can always count on Sir Richard Spady of the Thong to be solidly and inexorably in 5th place. He might as well have the word "5th" tattooed on his ass.

4. Random Coen Brother Reference
Mike Frank should really grow a mustache. Or a goatee. Or soul patch. Something, man. His team just isn't very good. Time to shake it up somehow. Mohawk maybe?

Contenders To The Crown Division
3. Sprite
Lil' Cole has lost 3 of 4, and despite his franchise's tradition of winning, he'll have to scratch and claw just to stay near the top of the standings. His team is a collection of misfits and Michael Turner. If Vick stays healthy, he could be dangerous in the playoffs, as usual.

2. Baconator
The Draft Hostess with the Mostest is making a big push to make his first Chicken Bone playoffs, despite having a pretty sketchy and variable lineup from week to week. But you can't discount those 4 wins in a row or that 6-3 record. He's on top of the standings and there's no way he could possibly miss the playoffs now. No chance. He's golden.

1. Mazzle Tazzle
Lift Bradley up in a chair, as he gets the meaningless number 1 spot in the even more meaningless power rankings, pretty much by default. (He has the most total points of all the teams with an actual winning record.) He's got some boys that can play a little too. After last year's breakthrough season, does Bradley have what it takes to repeat? Stay tuned, true believers...

- The Commish

Week 8 Recap: "Bye Bye Bye"

A lot of low scores out there in Fantasy Land this week. The Bye week played havoc with almost everyone's starting lineups, as only 2 people even managed to score over 80 points. Let's break it down, Big Willie Style:

Sergeant at Arms: 80 Stabbed in the Crotch: 74
What happens when the best 2-5 team in history meets the worst 5-2 team in history? The worst 5-2 team gets 39 frickin points from his kicker and defense to take a big lead. And for the third straight week, the 2-5 team sweats things out through the fourth quarter on Monday night and is tired as balls on Tuesday morning. But the 2-5 (now 3-5) team prevails, despite 20 points from "The Law Firm" on the bench. And the 5-2 team (now 5-3) begins his inevitable autumnal fall from fantasy relevance.

Lemon Fury: 70 Steve's Crap Team: 65
Here's your 2nd worst 5-2 (now 6-2) team! My god, how is this guy in 1st place? John Kitna, really? Kicker and Defense is the secret weapon of the bad team, however, and he got 31 points from his. Steve, meanwhile, has given up on his season for about the 7th time, at least until next Sunday at 1:00, when he'll be glued to his TV/PC like the rest of us addicts. "False hope until mathematically eliminated" - that should be the motto of the league.

Disposable: 114 Despicable:61
Bradley puts up the WOW score of the week, getting huge numbers from the Jacksonville passing offense, the Detroit defense, and the Chas Henry kicking game. (I only made up one of those!) It's safe to chalk this up to a Falafel-sized fluke though, as Travis has officially passed me as the hardest luck loser in the league. With more total points than 1, 2, or 3 in the standings, Falafel - in theory- deserves much better than dead last place. So he's pretty much a zombie at this points - pretty much dead and hungry for brains.

Avat-hong: 78 Foo Jew: 75
Both of these teams are 4-4, but I know which one I'd rather have today. And which one I'd rather have if it was 2007.

Glass of Bacon: 66 Ryan Grant's Bald Head: 44
Is Maine's team actually any good? I'm really asking here. I have no idea. I mean, they won this week, they're 5-3 and in 2nd place, and their total points is aight....but....they started Chad Henne, Darren Sproles, and Eddie Royal. This season is really fookin with my head, man. Up is down, left is right, Steve is Robby, Win is Fail, Fail is Win... I...just...don't...know.....




...
- The Commish

Week 7 Recap: "Hope Floats Away"

(by Maine)

The bitter commissioner asked me to do the recap this week because he's too upset. His exact words were:

"You're an asshole and so is Dez Bryant. I'm not writing any fookin recaps this week."

In case you were too wrapped up in your own matchup this week, let me explain:

Deez Bacon Balls vs. Sergeant Shaft

Picture it. After Sunday, the Commish is down seven points to me. Going into Monday night, he has Hakeem Nicks and I have both Tony Romo and Dez Bryant. Unless Tony Romo unleashes his inner Rex Grossman and Dez Bryant unleashes his inner Robby Friedman, this thing is in the bag.

After 30-something yards, Tony Romo gets his ass broken and is done for the game. Go fucking figure. Now, the Commish needs Hakeem Nicks to basically be a few points better than Dez Bryant and he wins.

Fast forward to the fourth quarter. Hakeem Nicks has already exploded for two touchdowns in a romp and the Commish is literally 0.13 points away from taking home the completely unlikely and undeserved win. If Hakeem makes a catch for, like, 2 yards or Dez does something stupid like fumbling, game done.

(Are you riveted? Of course not. You don't care. You're too busy worrying about your waiver wire priority and whether or not your defense has a good playoff schedule.)

Anyway... garbage time touchdown for Dez and the Commish begins to feel the first inklings of sand in his vagina. Welcome to 2 and 5, Jason. You deserved this.

Stabbed in the Hand vs. Florida Taco Del Mar

Dwayne Bowe randomly played well, as part of the Chief's offensive explosion, but nobody else on Del Mar did, so they took the loss. Really, nobody played well in this matchup. Apathy abounds.

Lemon Curry vs. Disposable Heroes

Lemon Curry loses his second game in a row. Partially because he allowed Kevin Kolb to suit up. Can you imaging how Michael Turner must feel?

"Hey coach, did you see that game? I played my ass off and got you that paydirt. I think I twisted my ankle, but I really wanted to put up 21 for you. So, how much did we win by? ... Wait... you mean.... the Kevin Kolb from the Eagles?... but he'sterrible... so you mean we.... really, we lost?... I demand a trade!"

Meanwhile, Over-Ray-ted Rice and Matt For-Tame brought nothing to the table, but Mike "$16" Wallace scored a long TD to give the Heroes the victory.

Despicable Falafel va. Avathong

Denver's defense gave up 59 points to the Raiders and that just about sums up the weekend for Avathong. Lee Evans, on the other hand, scored three touchdowns because Ed Reed forgot he existed. Coupled with Matt Ryan's big day, that was enough to give Falafel his second win of the year.

By the way, this is my favorite time of the year in fantasy football. Everyone is so injured and bye weeks are so frequent that you can start Jason Snelling, Ben Watson and Johnny Knox and still have a good game.

Foo Man Jew vs. Ryan Grant's Ankle

Juggernaut fight!!

Well, not really. But both teams played well. Fun times across the board.

I'd love to have been in the vicinity after that Roethlisberger goal line fumble and reversal though. Screaming? Crying? Fingerbanging each other in the stadium's bathroom? Anything could have happened with all that emotion on the table and we couldn't even judge. We'd never truly understand.

And there's your fookin recap. Do better next week.

Week 6 Recap: "Keeping Hope Alive"

Hello der.

Time is of the essence, so let us jump in,
No time to dawdle, no time to sin.
Let's recap this bitch old school, one-matchup-by-one,
I'll even throw in some links just for fun.

Sergeant Shaft 97 Florida Taco Del Mar 91
I was due. D-O, due. (Though can't believe another one of you suckers put up 90+ on me.) For those not paying attention, Chris Johnson scored on a 35 yd TD with 1:40 to go in the game, 4th and 5, with his team up 20 points. It doesn't get any more garbage-y than that folks. About time that karma stopped rewarding Steve instead of me. ... To sum up, this result has restored Sanity to the league, while Steve has kept Fear alive. Time to march on Washington.


MFrank 96 Mazzle Tazzle 91
This result makes me uneasy. And a little queasy. How is Mike Frank scoring 96 points? And how is he 4-2? And how did he manage to pick up Ryan Torain when he's supposed to be the one not paying much attention around here? Are his kids finally old enough where he has time to waste on this crap? Is he now a force to be reckoned with? Will there be a Michael Frank uprising? Stay tuned...

Avatard 60 Lemon Party 59
Now we come to the junior varsity section of the recap. Just pathetic. How is this guy 5-1? And while we're at it, how is Thong 3-3? These two should be fighting it out for the toilet bowl or jean shorts or sequined jacket, not playoff position.

Sausage King 108 Falafel 93
If I wasn't getting the same treatment and he wasn't a total jackass, I'd probably feel bad for Travis, who deserves better than the standing's basement. But you all should show him some love. He's the only one getting raped harder than me in the Points Against column. .... Meanwhile, the Sausage King of Chicago may secretly have the 2nd best team in the league. .. Other Sausage King news - this weekend he's heading to South Florida to watch his beloved Steelers lose to the Dolphins. And more news - not only is Robby his date to the game, but they're also playing each other next week. So someone is going to be talking some serious shit at Sun Life stadium come Sunday. That is all.

Bacon Ass Ho 93 Foo Stache 66
This was the Smoke and Mirrors Bowl. Robby was doing it with them up until now, and Maine was doing it with them this week. .. Speaking of doing it with smoke and mirrors, how cool would that be? I want a fog machine for Hanukkah! Other stuff too...

Peace out,
- The Commish

Week 5 Recap: "Mainely Drivel"

(by Maine)

Good morning. I've requested to write up this week's recap for Jason for a few reasons.

1.) Almost like an alcoholic, I need to take ownership of my failures as a fantasy football player. Sure, I could read The Commish's take on my woeful team management strategy every week, but if I never stand up in front of the room and say things like, "My name is Jermaine, and not only did I enthusiastically draft Greg Camarillo last year, but I still have deep hope for the whole Ryan Mathews experience in 2010," how will I ever learn?

2.) Our team names are ridiculous - across the board - and I needed a proper venue to address it. We've gotten away with this low imagination crap for far too long. We trash talk each other for misspellings on the message board, but not for naming our teams like retards? It's on the list.

3.) I get to make tasteless comments about former Bengals receivers. Look for them a little bit later.

4.) If I take a little bit of time at work between meetings, corporate circle jerks and reading CNN.com to write this, I can somehow convince myself that, since I'm being paid, I'm a professional writer. Everybody has their aspirations. Mine is to be an underpaid staff scribe with a corner cubicle. Let me have this. Just let me have it.

5.) Almost every team in the league is bad, which you'd think was mathematically impossible, but nope. And bad teams make for easy recaps. If we were all full of hope, I'd have to say things like, "Man, these are going to be riveting playoffs if these teams face each other." But since we're mostly horrible, it's all softballs.

6.) The message board has a character limit. I don't do well with character limits. If you've ever received an email from me, you've had to wipe the sweat off your computer after it loaded. If I tried to do this on the message board, I'd have been kicked out somewhere during point #4.

Anyway, enough appetizer. Let there be steak and shrimp.

Disposable Heroes vs. Sergeant Shaft

In general, things that are named after Metallica songs tend to be decent. "Ride the Lightning" is supposedly a great quest in World of Warcraft. "Enter Sandman" is my favorite gay porn movie. "Unforgiven" won several Academy Awards, and I'm sure that if they made the sequel, while people would be generally dissatisfied with Clint Eastwood's new short haircut, it'd at least get a few nominations. Disposable Heroes, however, are 2 - 3, with little hope for improvement. Maybe St. Anger would have been a better name, given the team's poor prospects for commercial and playoff success.

This weekend, however, he was better than Sergeant Shaft, which was named after my second favorite gay porn movie. Who would have thought that the team with next year's consensus first and second fantasy picks starting at RB, alongside the surprise RB of the year, Mr. Peyton Hillis, would be 1 - 4? He's got three #1 WR's and arguably the best TE of all time to round out the offense, so what's the issue here? Phil "Yes, In Fact, I Am A Cunt" Rivers threw for 431 yards and these guys still lose almost every week?

It's all about bad fantasy defense. Which is completely related to the super gay team name, Sergeant Shaft. Opposing teams see that name on the schedule and add a little pep to the step. Maybe next week, try something like Colonel Snatch or Admiral Tittyballs. Try to man it up a little in here - okay, Frenchie?

Despicable Falafel vs. The Foo Man Jew

Sometimes, things come down to the simple answers. If Arrested Development is such a funny show, then why didn't anyone watch it? Because it was too hard and TV is supposed to be easy. Taa daa. If Christine O'Donnell is in her 40's and doesn't believe in premarital sex or masturbation, how has she not exploded by now? Because she has premarital sex and masturbates. Taa daa.

And if Travis' team is made up of a lot of great players, why is he 1 - 4? Because he's trying to win at football with a bunch of dudes named Felix, Maurice, Lee and Dallas. If you were playing pickup football with some guys you met in the park, how many rounds would you get through before you drafted the first Maurice? If you found out a guy named Felix wanted to fight you at 3:00, wouldn't you show up at 2:45, chomping at the bit to kick his ass in front of his friends? (Naming the team after a Middle Eastern Steve Carell movie wasn't exactly helping either, but let's stay on topic.) All this team needs to do is trade for Pierre Garcon and his roster could sound like the entire cast of "Sergeant Shaft Strikes Back."

Meanwhile, Robbie and his sweet mustache of duditude are sitting at 4 - 1 with a roster than has exactly zero first round draft picks on it. This roster is so rag tag, I keep expecting Gene Hackman to put on a fedora and coach it. Is he going to pick up Sinbad and Scott Bakula off waivers this week? Can you use a horse as your place kicker? Is that in the rule book? How is he winning?

This week, he won partially because Shaggy showed up with a bag full of Scobee Snacks and got Josh to kick the air out of the ball to the tune of 22 points. I applaud the resourcefulness. Get Robbie a Harley and a cigar because that brand of bullshit mojo is going to take him to the finish line. I can't compete with a guy who gets 22 points out of a kicker.

Deez Bacon Balls vs. Florida Taco Del Mar

You might as well not even be reading this section. Welcome to the cold, sterile middle of the pack where nobody gives a fuck about anything. We're looking at two teams that have ceilings, and those ceilings are nowhere near the roof. There's a party in the attic that we're not invited to, and, at that party, topless women that we'll never meet are serving victory champagne that we'll never taste. That said, we still faced each other this week, so I have to acknowledge it in the recapitulation.

Florida Taco Del Mar is an average fantasy team, named after an okay state and shitty-to-average restaurant. If this team was named Arkansas Jack in the Box, it would be winless. Call it California White Castle and they're undefeated. Call it Arizona Taco Bell, and they wouldn't be allowed to pick up Anthony Gonzalez from waivers. As it stands, they're 3 - 2 and will be as successful as Aaron Rodgers allows them to be. God knows Dwayne Bowe ain't winning shit for them.

They were good enough to win this week partially because Malcolm Floyd accidentally got dressed in Vincent Jackson's locker and, for a few hours, forgot he's only supposed to be a slightly more alive version of Chris Henry.

Meanwhile, Deez Bacon Balls sounds like a team name you'd come up with if you said, "Oh, hey - there's the link for the fantasy league. I'll go ahead and sign up.... Hmm... team name? I've got to name this thing right now? Urgh... I can't think of anything. Maybe I'll mentally regress to the 14 year old version of myself and pick the only name I can think of in 10 seconds that doesn't involve Salma Hayeks's breasts. Hi. I'm Jermaine."

And the roster? It's pretty kick ass for a PPR league. Oh... wait... this isn't a PPR league? And Jamaal Charles apparently got caught sleeping with his offensive coordinator's wife before the number of carries he'd get was decided on? And TJ Houshmandzadeh couldn't catch a disease from a hooker on Chad Ochocinco's VH1 reality show? I'm just gonna start scouting for next year. This was fun.

Stabbed in the Hand vs. Avathong

This is as good a place as any to discuss the rest of the middle of the pack. Neither one of these teams is invited to the aforementioned attic titty party. They're in the living room playing a fun game of fully-dressed Jenga with the rest of us. Anybody else want an egg cream? Yay.

Stabbed in the Hand is the exception to the bad team name rule. I really enjoy this one. Not only does it explain why Kevin Walter played so horribly this week, but it also explains all of Drew Brees' screwups against the Cardinals. Fortunately, Mario Manningham's donut was superceded by Chicago's defense, which gave him the win versus Avathong.

I enjoy Rich Spady as a person. The team name, Avathong, couldn't bother me more. Mainly because my daughter's name is Ava and Rich's liberal commentary on her underwear, frankly, makes me want to stab him in the hand. You're crossing the line, man. Not cool. She's five.

Meanwhile, you may have heard the expression, "Matt Schaub took a dump on the field today?" Well, this weekend, Matt Schaub honestly and truly took a healthy, steaming, corn-filled dump on the field. (Arian Foster must have slipped on it, which explained his shitty day.) In fact, if UVA Mattie had stayed in the locker room and spent the game taking a dump on the toilet instead, Rich's score would have actually been higher. I award you negative 0.15 points and may god have mercy on your soul.

Lemon Curry vs. Ryan Grant's Ankle

I'll start by saying screw these pricks for making me have to watch the shitty Monday night game to see who won. Watching two renegade QBs in sloppy weather to see which one would stop screwing up first? Yeah, sign me up.

The only highlight of that game was seeing a closeup of Brad Childress' face while the ESPN crawl talked about Brett Favre's penis. If for only a moment, I got to play a game called, "What's The Creepiest Thing On TV Right Now?" and the final score was a tie.

(Side question: If you got an email from Brad Childress with no subject and an attachment, and an email from a friend with the subject line "hey, check out Favre's cock," which one would you open last? Think about that for an hour.)

Anyway, Ryan Grant's Ankle, much like a drunk co-ed, has spent entirely too long waiting for Ben Roethlisberger to come. And much like the same co-ed, they probably won't be happy with themselves after he does. Middle of the pack, Sean. And it's your turn to pull a Jenga block.

Meanwhile, Lemon Curry is undefeated, if you don't consider the game of life in the standings. In that case, he'd be 5 - 12. But he's ridden the hot combo of Vick and Jahvid to consistent victory, and, this week, even got a boost from a kicker. Can't argue with that kind of success.

Anyway, good luck to everyone except Robbie, who I play next week.

Week 3-4 Recap: "The Fantasy Gods Must Be Crazy"

Howdy folks. Like Chris Johnson, I'm apparently only showing up every other week. Which is more than could be said for the Dolphins "special" teams, who are special like Corky from Life Goes On was special. But aside from Monday Night Debacles, what the hell else has been going on?

From First to Wurst: Bradley Malemeziamiaizuzzleian
A demoralizing 35 point week by Bradley's squad puts him in last place. His team name of "Disposable Heroes" is apt, as his players are all garbage. All of his guys might as well go fishing with Rick Sanchez and John Bonamego.



Game of the Year of Week 3: The Foo Man Jew 87.43 Stabbed In The Hand 85.59
Not the closest game of the season, but definitely the most gut-wrenching. Robby continues his good work of late, but it's at the expense of his beloved Dolphins. At least they were beloved last week. This week, not so much. .. In other news, Mike Frank should really have that hand looked at by a professional. (And I don't mean Rich's mom.)

Week 4: Sergeant Shaft Gets the...er... bad end of the deal
I could take losing by .15. I could take losing to Thong. I could take Chris Johnson being my lowest scoring player. I could even take having the highest number of points in the league, the most scored against me, and slip to 1-3 on the season. But what I can't take is...hmm...I forgot what I was saying, as I'm readying this gun to blow my frickin brains out. .. The damn shame of it is I really LIKE my team. It's really good dammit! Sheesh, I dunno...

Lemon Curry Anyone?
BrotherCole spent much of the past few weeks helping the homeless, tutoring underprivileged children, and picking up trash in his neighborhood. Wait, I'm thinking of someone else. BrotherCole spent much of the past few weeks doing Fantasy Football research. My bad. Sorry for the mistake.

This Week In Bald
Maine and Sean are both 2-2 and would make the playoffs if they start today. They are excited about this. They are also very excited about Tom Brady's new haircut that makes him look like a gay homosexual, thus taking attention away from their chrome domes. .. Also of note, neither of their teams are actually any good.

Luck of the Falafel
It's been almost as bad as mine. Look for him to make a run.

Steve, Actually
Tied with the Commish for the transaction lead, Steve needs to step up his game. There are still some third string running backs he hasn't picked up for 5 minutes before thinking better of it and picking up a 4th string wide receiver. Be better dude!!!

In closing, the lesson to take away from the past two weeks is the same one as always - the football gods can be cruel sometimes. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all, and then you have...a shit sandwich.

- The Commish

PS. The Hoos and Gators sucked too, in case you didn't notice.

Week 1-2 Recap: "Forget Phoenix"

Howdy folks.

I'm finally back to bidness around here and doing some good ol fashioned recapping. So what the hell has been going on around here since Phoenix? Let's take a stroll through some headlines:

Week 1 Game of the Year: Mazzle 88.99 Sausage King 89.77
One week in, and we already had a matchup decided by less than a point. Bradley carried over his playoff magic from last year and willed Ryan Gran's ankle to buckle like a midget Thai hooker. His team looks poised to go 8-6. .. Meanwhile, the only "Brandon Jackson" Sean was able to pick up was a big dude wearing fishnets in Southwest DC. Still, his team bounced back in week 2, and looks suspiciously like an 8-6 squad.

Not a Single Season Fluke?
If you're like me, you're thinking to yourself - "Wow, I'm pretty frickin awesome." But another thing you might be thinking is, "Hmmm...is there a chance that Robby's dominant season last year wasn't just a crazy fluke?" Apparently there might be! The esteemed Humberto Feldman Esquire is a robust 2-0 and sits a top the 4 (very Jewy!) league leaders. He's led by Peyton Manning and the Manning-ettes, with big contributions from Darren McFadden of all people. Despite all this, I think he's headed for trouble and a final record of 8-6. Don't go chasing waterfalls, Robby.

I'm hot/then I'm cold
144/65. Week 1/Week 2. Same exact players both weeks. This is why I love/hate fantasy football. And Katy Perry. .. I'm good though. 8-6 should be no problem for my team.

Thong and Frank: Jacksonville 1-1
In the new upcoming movie from Warner Brothers, Richard "Thong" Spady and Michael "Frank" Frank are mismatched, renegade, buddy cops let loose on the mean streets of Jacksonville, FL. They fight crime, have comic misadventures, bed ugly women, and are
utterly average at Fantasy Football. (They'll both still finish 8-6 though.)

Suckitude
Thy name is Steve (completely over-prepared for the draft) and Falafel (completely under-prepared for the draft). I still predict that they'll both come back from 0-2 to finish 8-6.

Lemon Fury
The once and former champ is 2-0 on the season, with a team that scares nobody. He'll finish the season 7-7.

Cheers betches,
- The Commish


P.S. A programming note - the recaps will be even less reliable than usual this year, with life and work generally kicking my ass on weekdays. But I shall do my best to keep the masses entertained somehow. Just remember - you get what you pay for.