Hey everybody. Hope you all are having a great holiday season, stuffing yourselves silly, enjoying the last vestiges of football, and generally enjoying some festive downtime. Thanks for another ridiculous season of fantasy football. Time to dole out a few year-end awards around here.
Best Team Name: The Electric Bacon - just makes me happy inside
Worst Team Name: The Goy's Teeth - worst Coen Brothers' reference yet
Best Draft Pick: Wes Welker, 5th Round, Falafel
Worst Draft Pick: Rashard Mendenhall, 1st Round, Commish
Best Message Board Quote: "I'm going to enjoy barely eeking out a win against you and your half-roster this week. If I somehow lose, I will rape a squirrel." - Steve
Worst Message Board Quote: "I want a Toyota Medal" - Sean
Best English Major: Steve, for the proper and hilarious use of the word "septuagenarian"
Worst English Major: Falafel, for not knowing the difference between Clenched and Clinched
Best Luck: Brother Cole (10th year in a row)
Worst Luck: Mike Frank, who had the 2nd highest point total, but finished his usual 7-7
Best Waiver Wire Pickup: Falafel, Cam Newton
Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Your Moms
Dennis Northcutt Memorial Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Nate Burleson, multiple people
Waiver Wire Champ: Steve, regaining his crown
Waiver Wire Chump: Thong, tha thong thong thong
Best Cinematography: Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Worst Cinematography: Robby's underground porno vido, which includes a goat, fishnet stockings, baby oil, and $240 worth of pudding.
Poster of the Year: A solid year for posting all around, as everyone picked up their games. This year's award has to go to Steve-o though, as he is clearly insane, and I'd be risking my life in giving it to anyone else.
Mr Irrelevant: Bradley
Peace Out,
- The Commish
Friday, December 23, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Playoff Recap/Preview Extravaganza
So it all comes down to this: an unpredictable season, capped by an unwanted championship game. But how did we get to this unimaginable place? Let's throw our hands up and find out...
A Tiger in Africa? 117.27 The Electric Bacon 108.36
"More Than Meets The Eye Of The Tiger"
Thanks to San Francisco and their city's Transformers, BrotherCole shot right past Maine on Monday night to pull off the unlikely upset. Even though oddsmakers (ok...Sean and I) only gave Michael a 30%-35% shot at winning going into yesterday, Frank Gore and the Niner D took care of business. He also got big contributions from CJ Spiller and Aaron Hernandez, who both had their best fantasy days ever. So, in conclusion...the luck on this motherfucker!!! .... In the other corner, sits Maine and the Green Bay Packers, fortunes intertwined, sobbing into bacon and cheese with the rest of Wisconsin. It was a great season though, and no matter how you slice it, Maine was able to successfully ignore his wife and daughters much more than he or they thought possible. And that's gotta count for something.
Falafel 1st Seed 105.19 Team of Density 87.15
"The Bad Seed"
So Falafel puts up his usual 105-ish and makes it to the championship game free and easy-like. Being the first seed has its privileges, and in this case it was not having to go up against Maine or Michael, both of whom would have beaten him. Instead he got poor old Steve, who had been playing over his head so long, his arms were about to fall off. (Or something.) When the star of your team in the playoffs is Donald Brown, then you know you got issues. Time for Steve to gear up for the all-important 3rd place game. Meanwhile, Falafel is already starting to worry about his lineup for this weekend. Hope he doesn't choose the wrong starters at the worst time.
We now interrupt this regularly scheduled recap for a Jean Shorts update...
Jean Shorts Update 2011!!!
It's down to Robby and Mike Frank in the consolation bracket. Personally, I'm rooting for Mike, as his legs would look terrific in a pair of cutoffs. Mmmm... Happy Hanukkah guys!
Championship Game Preview Extravaganza
Falafel(-3.5) vs. BrotherCole
So Yahoo has Travis favored by a bit, but their projections are about as reliable as Steve on a rainy day. So let's break this down, Dr. Jack-style:
QB
Both Cam Newton and Matt Ryan are coming off big weeks and have easy matchups. But a slight nod has to go to Cam, with his running ability and his Tampa opponent appearing to have quit on the season. Small Advantage: Falafel
WR
The big question here, is will Travis somehow fit Mike Wallace back into his lineup, and if so, who does he sit? Either way, Wes Welker and Roddy White give him 2 great studs, with two good matchups. Michael has depth at wide-out too, but with Fitzgerald on the road outdoors, Jordy Nelson going up against the Bears defense, and Laurent Robinson going against the Eagles all-star secondary, he's looking at a tougher road for his guys. Advantage: Falafel
RB
Looking at Running Backs, it's hard to see how Falafel won't be favored here as well. French Sean McCoy has been putting up MVP stats the past month and Beanie Wells has been putting up stats too. Throw in the potential of Bradshaw in the flex spot, and you have a tough trio. However, all of them are on the road, Wells has been fighting a knee injury, Bradshaw splits carries with Jacobs, and McCoy is due for a bad game. Still, they're better than Gore and Spiller, despite what those guys just did in Week 15. Advantage: Falafel
TE
Aaron Hernandez is clearly better than anything Travis has. Advantage: Michael
K
Akers gets the slight nod over Crosby, but who the fuck knows? These are kickers we're talking about. Advantage: Even
DEF
Michael's Niners defense has been hot lately and is going against a one-dimensional Seattle offense. Meanwhile, The Jets defense is good, but can be exploited by the right offense, which in this case, is the Giants. Advantage: Michael
Overall, after looking at everything, it's clear that Falafel is the big favorite going into this weekend. It's hard to see how he is going to lose.
Prediction: Falafel 101 BrotherCole 88
Final Thoughts: Contrary to popular opinion, I'll be rooting for my brother this weekend. Sure, he's an asshole, but he's my asshole. Plus, he's been quasi-humble about his team this year, you know, for him. So go bro. I guess...
Hope everyone has an awesome Festivus, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, New Year’s, or whatever!
- The Commish
A Tiger in Africa? 117.27 The Electric Bacon 108.36"More Than Meets The Eye Of The Tiger"
Thanks to San Francisco and their city's Transformers, BrotherCole shot right past Maine on Monday night to pull off the unlikely upset. Even though oddsmakers (ok...Sean and I) only gave Michael a 30%-35% shot at winning going into yesterday, Frank Gore and the Niner D took care of business. He also got big contributions from CJ Spiller and Aaron Hernandez, who both had their best fantasy days ever. So, in conclusion...the luck on this motherfucker!!! .... In the other corner, sits Maine and the Green Bay Packers, fortunes intertwined, sobbing into bacon and cheese with the rest of Wisconsin. It was a great season though, and no matter how you slice it, Maine was able to successfully ignore his wife and daughters much more than he or they thought possible. And that's gotta count for something.
Falafel 1st Seed 105.19 Team of Density 87.15"The Bad Seed"
So Falafel puts up his usual 105-ish and makes it to the championship game free and easy-like. Being the first seed has its privileges, and in this case it was not having to go up against Maine or Michael, both of whom would have beaten him. Instead he got poor old Steve, who had been playing over his head so long, his arms were about to fall off. (Or something.) When the star of your team in the playoffs is Donald Brown, then you know you got issues. Time for Steve to gear up for the all-important 3rd place game. Meanwhile, Falafel is already starting to worry about his lineup for this weekend. Hope he doesn't choose the wrong starters at the worst time.
We now interrupt this regularly scheduled recap for a Jean Shorts update...Jean Shorts Update 2011!!!
It's down to Robby and Mike Frank in the consolation bracket. Personally, I'm rooting for Mike, as his legs would look terrific in a pair of cutoffs. Mmmm... Happy Hanukkah guys!
Championship Game Preview Extravaganza
Falafel(-3.5) vs. BrotherCole
So Yahoo has Travis favored by a bit, but their projections are about as reliable as Steve on a rainy day. So let's break this down, Dr. Jack-style:
QB
Both Cam Newton and Matt Ryan are coming off big weeks and have easy matchups. But a slight nod has to go to Cam, with his running ability and his Tampa opponent appearing to have quit on the season. Small Advantage: Falafel
WR
The big question here, is will Travis somehow fit Mike Wallace back into his lineup, and if so, who does he sit? Either way, Wes Welker and Roddy White give him 2 great studs, with two good matchups. Michael has depth at wide-out too, but with Fitzgerald on the road outdoors, Jordy Nelson going up against the Bears defense, and Laurent Robinson going against the Eagles all-star secondary, he's looking at a tougher road for his guys. Advantage: Falafel
RB
Looking at Running Backs, it's hard to see how Falafel won't be favored here as well. French Sean McCoy has been putting up MVP stats the past month and Beanie Wells has been putting up stats too. Throw in the potential of Bradshaw in the flex spot, and you have a tough trio. However, all of them are on the road, Wells has been fighting a knee injury, Bradshaw splits carries with Jacobs, and McCoy is due for a bad game. Still, they're better than Gore and Spiller, despite what those guys just did in Week 15. Advantage: Falafel
TE
Aaron Hernandez is clearly better than anything Travis has. Advantage: Michael
K
Akers gets the slight nod over Crosby, but who the fuck knows? These are kickers we're talking about. Advantage: Even
DEF
Michael's Niners defense has been hot lately and is going against a one-dimensional Seattle offense. Meanwhile, The Jets defense is good, but can be exploited by the right offense, which in this case, is the Giants. Advantage: Michael
Overall, after looking at everything, it's clear that Falafel is the big favorite going into this weekend. It's hard to see how he is going to lose.
Prediction: Falafel 101 BrotherCole 88
Final Thoughts: Contrary to popular opinion, I'll be rooting for my brother this weekend. Sure, he's an asshole, but he's my asshole. Plus, he's been quasi-humble about his team this year, you know, for him. So go bro. I guess...
Hope everyone has an awesome Festivus, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, New Year’s, or whatever!
- The Commish
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Week 13 Recap - Playoff Scenarios
One week to go, and a silly number of teams are still in it. That's the good news. The bad news is I have to figure out the playoff scenarios for this shit. Here we go...
*1. Falafel 1st Seed 10-3-0
He's in like Donkey Kong. Everyone is rooting for him this week, and nobody is rooting for him after this week.
*2. The Electric Bacon 8-5-0
Clinched the 2nd seed. This week is more irrelevant to Maine than the vegetable options at a breakfast buffet.
3. A Tiger in Africa? 7-6-0
Beat Falafel this week and he's in. Lose and he would need an extremely unlikely point differential help to make it. Basically, he would need to outscore the winner of Robby and Rich, if Steve loses, or if Steve wins, then he would need to outscore the winner of that or the winner of Brad/Mike, unless it's a full moon, carry the 7...er.....ok...fuck it...Lose and he's out.
Disclaimer: Due to the unlikely event of large swings in point differentials, plus my laziness, all remaining playoff analysis, unless otherwise stated below by the undersigned, follows the existing point differential paradigm listed in the current league standings esquire.
4. Team of Density 7-6-0
All Steve has to do is beat the last place team to advance to the playoffs. That's it. That's all. He's got it made in the shade. Lose, however, and he's out. But why even think like that? He's got it. No problem. Go Steve!!!!!! Make us proud!!!
5/6. The Goy's Teeth 6-7-0 / FrayedEndsofSanity 6-7-0
The loser of this matchup is D-U-N, done. The winner definitely makes the playoffs with BOTH Steve and BrotherCole losing. If only one of them loses, then to make it, the Brad/MFrank winner needs to stay ahead of the Robby/Rich winner in total points and recite the alphabet while hopping backwards in a straight line.
7/8. The Choot Spas 6-7-0 / Captain Amerithong 6-7-0
The loser of this matchup is out, drinking egg-nog in their underwear on the couch while the playoffs are starting. The winner definitely makes the playoffs with BOTH Steve and BrotherCole losing. If only one of them loses, then to make it, the Robby/Rich winner needs to move ahead of the Brad/MFrank winner in total points and fist a midget under the mistletoe.
9. Major Blowhard 6-7-0
I'll be back.
10. Clinched Last Place 3-10-0
The team name speaks for itself. Happy Hanukkah, Seanie!
Good night and good luck,
The Commish
*1. Falafel 1st Seed 10-3-0
He's in like Donkey Kong. Everyone is rooting for him this week, and nobody is rooting for him after this week.
*2. The Electric Bacon 8-5-0
Clinched the 2nd seed. This week is more irrelevant to Maine than the vegetable options at a breakfast buffet.
3. A Tiger in Africa? 7-6-0
Beat Falafel this week and he's in. Lose and he would need an extremely unlikely point differential help to make it. Basically, he would need to outscore the winner of Robby and Rich, if Steve loses, or if Steve wins, then he would need to outscore the winner of that or the winner of Brad/Mike, unless it's a full moon, carry the 7...er.....ok...fuck it...Lose and he's out.
Disclaimer: Due to the unlikely event of large swings in point differentials, plus my laziness, all remaining playoff analysis, unless otherwise stated below by the undersigned, follows the existing point differential paradigm listed in the current league standings esquire.
4. Team of Density 7-6-0
All Steve has to do is beat the last place team to advance to the playoffs. That's it. That's all. He's got it made in the shade. Lose, however, and he's out. But why even think like that? He's got it. No problem. Go Steve!!!!!! Make us proud!!!
5/6. The Goy's Teeth 6-7-0 / FrayedEndsofSanity 6-7-0
The loser of this matchup is D-U-N, done. The winner definitely makes the playoffs with BOTH Steve and BrotherCole losing. If only one of them loses, then to make it, the Brad/MFrank winner needs to stay ahead of the Robby/Rich winner in total points and recite the alphabet while hopping backwards in a straight line.
7/8. The Choot Spas 6-7-0 / Captain Amerithong 6-7-0
The loser of this matchup is out, drinking egg-nog in their underwear on the couch while the playoffs are starting. The winner definitely makes the playoffs with BOTH Steve and BrotherCole losing. If only one of them loses, then to make it, the Robby/Rich winner needs to move ahead of the Brad/MFrank winner in total points and fist a midget under the mistletoe.
9. Major Blowhard 6-7-0
I'll be back.
10. Clinched Last Place 3-10-0
The team name speaks for itself. Happy Hanukkah, Seanie!
Good night and good luck,
The Commish
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Week 12 Recap - Mediocrity!
Hi! Hope everyone had an outstanding Thanksgiving and that every last one of you have successfully pooped out all of the food that you ingested for 4 days straight. That is my holiday wish to you.
Meanwhile, I come back here to find out that we're all as mediocre and bunched together as the AFC West. So let's see how we got here...
Major Spyhard 75.10 Team of Dentistry 57.66
A man of intrigue, he lives for the thrill
Always has places to go, and people to kill
Danger is the game he plays, and he holds every card
Cause if you wanna win, you gotta spy haaaard!
So my thoroughly lousy team is 6-6, and thanks to the rest of you yahoos, now I'm saddled with false hope. Thanks for THAT. I beat Steve this week, as his team has pretty much continued to suck. His strategy of only starting players with generic last names (Jackson, Brown, Turner, Brown, Johnson, Hanson, Cincinnati) somehow didn't pay off with a victory. He's now predictably - as in I predicted it 6 weeks ago - lost 4 in a row and 5 of 6 to complete his free fall down to my sad level.
Clenched Ass Place 94.19 A Tiger in His Pants and Everyone's Invited? 58.19
How is Sean beating both Coles in back-to-back weeks, for no reason whatsoever? Is he invoking the power of Tebow to get his team to play better defense? There's no explanation that makes sense here, and don't tell me it's because DeAngello Williams scored 2 touchdowns because that's a damn lie. This has got to be the first time in the history of the league that a team in last place has beaten both Coles in back-to-back weeks and is also bald. I'm on the phone with the Elias Sports Bureau right now.... Meanwhile, BrotherDuke is scuffling right now and could find himself out of the playoff picture if he's not careful around here the next two weeks.
ClenchedUpAPlayoffSpot 113.23 The Goy's Cariology 87.65
So Travis is the first person to officially clinch a playoff spot, even if he doesn't know the meaning of the word. His team went buck-ass-wild this week, but that's probably little solace after the eggs that the Hoos and Lions laid. It could be worse though... Speaking of worse, MikeFrank is in 4th place now, precariously holding onto both his balls and the last playoff spot. His loss, coupled with the Giants' and Hoos' turds, makes him the loser of the week! Congratulations Mike! You've earned it!
The Hand You Chas 84.29 The Electric Turkey Bacon 72.81
So Maine lost, but he's still in pretty good shape. I mean in this league. In general, he's in TERRIBLE shape! He gets winded going from the couch to the fridge to get another beer and turkey leg. And that's just Thanksgiving. On Halloween, he yells "Trick of Meatloaf!" But I digress. He's fine. He's making the playoffs. Nothing to see here. ... On the flipside, Robby got a much needed win thanks to Thomas Brady and is 6-6 like the rest of the damn league. He's still in it, despite, you know, being Robby.
Green Thongtern 127.32 Mazzle-Muzzle 89.26
This just in: Drew Brees is good. And for this week, so was Thong's team. He pretty much dashed Bradley's hope of making the playoffs. Both teams go to 5-7 and can pretty much start gearing up for fantasy basketball now. I hear Detlef Schrempf is pretty good too.
Gobble, gobble muthafuckas!!
- The Commish
Meanwhile, I come back here to find out that we're all as mediocre and bunched together as the AFC West. So let's see how we got here...
Major Spyhard 75.10 Team of Dentistry 57.66
A man of intrigue, he lives for the thrill
Always has places to go, and people to kill
Danger is the game he plays, and he holds every card
Cause if you wanna win, you gotta spy haaaard!
So my thoroughly lousy team is 6-6, and thanks to the rest of you yahoos, now I'm saddled with false hope. Thanks for THAT. I beat Steve this week, as his team has pretty much continued to suck. His strategy of only starting players with generic last names (Jackson, Brown, Turner, Brown, Johnson, Hanson, Cincinnati) somehow didn't pay off with a victory. He's now predictably - as in I predicted it 6 weeks ago - lost 4 in a row and 5 of 6 to complete his free fall down to my sad level.
Clenched Ass Place 94.19 A Tiger in His Pants and Everyone's Invited? 58.19
How is Sean beating both Coles in back-to-back weeks, for no reason whatsoever? Is he invoking the power of Tebow to get his team to play better defense? There's no explanation that makes sense here, and don't tell me it's because DeAngello Williams scored 2 touchdowns because that's a damn lie. This has got to be the first time in the history of the league that a team in last place has beaten both Coles in back-to-back weeks and is also bald. I'm on the phone with the Elias Sports Bureau right now.... Meanwhile, BrotherDuke is scuffling right now and could find himself out of the playoff picture if he's not careful around here the next two weeks.
ClenchedUpAPlayoffSpot 113.23 The Goy's Cariology 87.65
So Travis is the first person to officially clinch a playoff spot, even if he doesn't know the meaning of the word. His team went buck-ass-wild this week, but that's probably little solace after the eggs that the Hoos and Lions laid. It could be worse though... Speaking of worse, MikeFrank is in 4th place now, precariously holding onto both his balls and the last playoff spot. His loss, coupled with the Giants' and Hoos' turds, makes him the loser of the week! Congratulations Mike! You've earned it!
The Hand You Chas 84.29 The Electric Turkey Bacon 72.81
So Maine lost, but he's still in pretty good shape. I mean in this league. In general, he's in TERRIBLE shape! He gets winded going from the couch to the fridge to get another beer and turkey leg. And that's just Thanksgiving. On Halloween, he yells "Trick of Meatloaf!" But I digress. He's fine. He's making the playoffs. Nothing to see here. ... On the flipside, Robby got a much needed win thanks to Thomas Brady and is 6-6 like the rest of the damn league. He's still in it, despite, you know, being Robby.
Green Thongtern 127.32 Mazzle-Muzzle 89.26
This just in: Drew Brees is good. And for this week, so was Thong's team. He pretty much dashed Bradley's hope of making the playoffs. Both teams go to 5-7 and can pretty much start gearing up for fantasy basketball now. I hear Detlef Schrempf is pretty good too.
Gobble, gobble muthafuckas!!
- The Commish
Week 11 Recap - Mainely Drivel
Welcome to your Week 11 recap and I'm your substitute recapper. The kindly commish asked me to fill in for him this week since he's on Thanksgiving vacation in Florida, and, apparently, hip deep in so much poultry that he can't reach a computer.
Commissioner Blow Hard vs. Sean The Anti-Clinch
If Jason had rolled this squad out last season, we'd be thinking, "Man, that's a dominant roster. Hey, aren't Julio Jones and AJ Green still in college? The Commish is getting cocky!" But sadly, this is 2011 and I have to type things like:
So, yeah, he lost. But Miami won (and scored a lot of points with their defense), so things netted out.
Meanwhile, Sean is enjoying a big win from his couch in the league's basement and now, thanks to Jay Cutler's broken pacifier... er... thumb injury and Vick's bum McRibs, he'll have to find a plan C at quarterback that isn't Josh Freeman.
Electric Baconloo vs. FrayedEndsofSanityNoSpaces
Tim Tebow is fun. Not since Jim Abbott have we seen a professional athlete that was this successful despite a glaring handicap. Enjoy the freakshow, everyone. Has Tebow now supplanted Forrest Whittaker as the world's most successful retarded person? Serious question. I still think it's very close.
Anyway, thanks to a famously crap performance by Deion Branch on Monday, I continue my mild march toward the playoffs, despite an unhealthy and useless affinity for Roy Helu.
Shaft in Africa vs. Bucky Thong
I don't know how you guys feel about it, but I love the thing the Commish does where he makes fun of everyone's team names in these recaps. It's my favorite part of doing recaps for him.
This was one of those matchups where every player offered up a pretty middlin' game of the year except Jordy Nelson and Vincent Jackson. Both teams underperformed versus their projections and, luckily, Mike's team won the war of attrition. High fives to all.
Also, I can't believe there's a guy named Doug Baldwin in the NFL. That's a car salesman - not a wide receiver.
Gronkowski, Stafford & Associates vs. The Goy's NY Giants
Matt Stafford is a good bad quarterback. His accuracy is awful, but his arm strength is good, so occasionally you'll get games like this where he puts up five TDs and two INTs. That's a good thing. Too bad his teammates Jackie Battle and Brandon Jacobs couldn't muster any support. This could have been a better matchup.
Mike Frank takes the win and the fourth spot in the playoffs. And I admit - if his roster didn't have Reggie Wayne on it, I'd be very scared. Lots of potent scorers in there. He could take the cup easily.
Clinched Up Sandusky Smile vs. Chootie Choot
Fortunately for Travis, Robby played one of the crappest games of the year and 65 points was enough to win comfortably. I'd expect this kind of droll performance from the likes of Early Doucet, Buffalo and Michael Jenkins, but Tom Brady? He looked awful last night.
Travis continues to have a steely grip on first place and, considering UVa just beat FSU, he could be having his best week ever.
Commissioner Blow Hard vs. Sean The Anti-Clinch
If Jason had rolled this squad out last season, we'd be thinking, "Man, that's a dominant roster. Hey, aren't Julio Jones and AJ Green still in college? The Commish is getting cocky!" But sadly, this is 2011 and I have to type things like:
- Willis McGahee would have scored more points if he got injured during beast mode warm-ups.
- Santonio Holmes with only a 2.6? Must have been a really, really cold swimming pool.
So, yeah, he lost. But Miami won (and scored a lot of points with their defense), so things netted out.
Meanwhile, Sean is enjoying a big win from his couch in the league's basement and now, thanks to Jay Cutler's broken pacifier... er... thumb injury and Vick's bum McRibs, he'll have to find a plan C at quarterback that isn't Josh Freeman.
Electric Baconloo vs. FrayedEndsofSanityNoSpaces
Tim Tebow is fun. Not since Jim Abbott have we seen a professional athlete that was this successful despite a glaring handicap. Enjoy the freakshow, everyone. Has Tebow now supplanted Forrest Whittaker as the world's most successful retarded person? Serious question. I still think it's very close.
Anyway, thanks to a famously crap performance by Deion Branch on Monday, I continue my mild march toward the playoffs, despite an unhealthy and useless affinity for Roy Helu.
Shaft in Africa vs. Bucky Thong
I don't know how you guys feel about it, but I love the thing the Commish does where he makes fun of everyone's team names in these recaps. It's my favorite part of doing recaps for him.
This was one of those matchups where every player offered up a pretty middlin' game of the year except Jordy Nelson and Vincent Jackson. Both teams underperformed versus their projections and, luckily, Mike's team won the war of attrition. High fives to all.
Also, I can't believe there's a guy named Doug Baldwin in the NFL. That's a car salesman - not a wide receiver.
Gronkowski, Stafford & Associates vs. The Goy's NY Giants
Matt Stafford is a good bad quarterback. His accuracy is awful, but his arm strength is good, so occasionally you'll get games like this where he puts up five TDs and two INTs. That's a good thing. Too bad his teammates Jackie Battle and Brandon Jacobs couldn't muster any support. This could have been a better matchup.
Mike Frank takes the win and the fourth spot in the playoffs. And I admit - if his roster didn't have Reggie Wayne on it, I'd be very scared. Lots of potent scorers in there. He could take the cup easily.
Clinched Up Sandusky Smile vs. Chootie Choot
Fortunately for Travis, Robby played one of the crappest games of the year and 65 points was enough to win comfortably. I'd expect this kind of droll performance from the likes of Early Doucet, Buffalo and Michael Jenkins, but Tom Brady? He looked awful last night.
Travis continues to have a steely grip on first place and, considering UVa just beat FSU, he could be having his best week ever.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Week 9 Recap - "Better Late Than Never"
OK, so if 2 weeks ago was as predictable as a Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy, this past weekend was as unpredictable as the new Muppets movie where Miss Piggy is revealed to be a dude in puppet drag. So under the category of ya just never know, here's your belated recap...
Major Blowhard 113.69 Captain Amerithong 112.49
Like the Dolphins, apparently my team only shows up once a year. Unfortunately for Rich, it was the one weekend his team showed up as well. Somehow this matchup of crappy teams was the highest scoring of the week. It took an unlikely performance from Mendenhall and Cundiff on Sunday night to complete the unlikely comeback, but when it was all said and done, your trusty commish still isn't going to make the playoffs. But it was a pretty damn fun weekend for a change.
A Tiger in Africa? 92.34 The Goy's Teeth 86.78
This one was pretty tight too, due to the Dukies starting someone named Chris Oingo Boingo for no reason whatsoever. But despite that, it was a Dead Man's Party for Mike Frank, who just didn't get enough on Monday Night out of Matt "I couldn't ever score a touchdown on three tries from the one yard line, so now I've lost all my goal line carries to some dude with dreads, and I'm pretty bitter over here" Forte.
The Choot Spas 93.18 Stupid Yard Marker 68.40
Well at least some things are still predictable. Sean's hurting team has been DOA for a month now and has officially turned into a freebie win for anyone playing him. And it's a good thing too, as Robby needed it, given how badly his Terps played on Saturday. They laid a turd and a half. And nobody fears the Turd.
FrayedEndsofSanity 83.75 Squirrelfucker Jones 67.12
This week, Steve-O made his own kind of music and managed to start two positions with negative points. That's hard to do, unless you're cursed somehow. After the loss, he is holding a 2 game lead in the race for the final playoff spot, so now we're all just wondering how he's going to blow it. (I mean the playoff spot.) The most likely candidate to come back on him is the previously underachieving Bradley, who toppled Steve-O thanks to the power of Tebow.
The Electric Bacon 93.87 Falafel 1st Class 92.57
In the marquee battleof the week between the league leaders, Falafel goes down under the weight of his own hubris as well as his underestimation of the superhuman abilities of Matt Moore. But who really cares, in the scheme of things? Both these guys are making the playoffs and should start looking at those weeks' team matchups now and make all their transactions accordingly. Maine's long term concern is obviously the Packers resting players if they clinch, and Falafel's long term concern is picking the wrong QB or D to start. Meanwhile, Maine's short term concern is finding the best all-you-can-eat bacon in Vegas, and Falafel's short term concern is to stop acting like a little bitch.
That is all.
- The Commish
Major Blowhard 113.69 Captain Amerithong 112.49
Like the Dolphins, apparently my team only shows up once a year. Unfortunately for Rich, it was the one weekend his team showed up as well. Somehow this matchup of crappy teams was the highest scoring of the week. It took an unlikely performance from Mendenhall and Cundiff on Sunday night to complete the unlikely comeback, but when it was all said and done, your trusty commish still isn't going to make the playoffs. But it was a pretty damn fun weekend for a change.
A Tiger in Africa? 92.34 The Goy's Teeth 86.78
This one was pretty tight too, due to the Dukies starting someone named Chris Oingo Boingo for no reason whatsoever. But despite that, it was a Dead Man's Party for Mike Frank, who just didn't get enough on Monday Night out of Matt "I couldn't ever score a touchdown on three tries from the one yard line, so now I've lost all my goal line carries to some dude with dreads, and I'm pretty bitter over here" Forte.
The Choot Spas 93.18 Stupid Yard Marker 68.40
Well at least some things are still predictable. Sean's hurting team has been DOA for a month now and has officially turned into a freebie win for anyone playing him. And it's a good thing too, as Robby needed it, given how badly his Terps played on Saturday. They laid a turd and a half. And nobody fears the Turd.
FrayedEndsofSanity 83.75 Squirrelfucker Jones 67.12
This week, Steve-O made his own kind of music and managed to start two positions with negative points. That's hard to do, unless you're cursed somehow. After the loss, he is holding a 2 game lead in the race for the final playoff spot, so now we're all just wondering how he's going to blow it. (I mean the playoff spot.) The most likely candidate to come back on him is the previously underachieving Bradley, who toppled Steve-O thanks to the power of Tebow.
The Electric Bacon 93.87 Falafel 1st Class 92.57
In the marquee battleof the week between the league leaders, Falafel goes down under the weight of his own hubris as well as his underestimation of the superhuman abilities of Matt Moore. But who really cares, in the scheme of things? Both these guys are making the playoffs and should start looking at those weeks' team matchups now and make all their transactions accordingly. Maine's long term concern is obviously the Packers resting players if they clinch, and Falafel's long term concern is picking the wrong QB or D to start. Meanwhile, Maine's short term concern is finding the best all-you-can-eat bacon in Vegas, and Falafel's short term concern is to stop acting like a little bitch.
That is all.
- The Commish
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Week 8 Recap - "Predictable"
Except for the Rams somehow beating the Saints, that was pretty much the most completely and utterly predictable weekend of football so far this year. Same goes for our league....
The Goy's Teeth 86.33 - Major Blowhard 76.18
OK, while it wasn't at all shocking that Rivers would suck yet again and screw me yet again, I still can't believe I lost to this guy. I mean, look at him!!!
A Tiger in Africa? 93.16 - The Choot Spas 67.30
No surpises here either, unless you count Robby starting Brian Hartline at WR. This was like Duke beating Maryland in basketball. Nobody is batting an eye when Duke wins by a score of 93-67.
FrayedEndsofSanity 83.97 - Stupid Yard Marker 78.85
So the last place team that has most of his players hurt and/or on bye and is 1-6 on the season and is bald...that team loses? Who would have thunk it?!! I mean, slap my ass and call me Nancy, I didn't see that one coming!
Squirrelfucker Jones 88.35 - The Electric Bacon 80.52
Guess this one could have gone either way, but with Aaron Rodgers on bye and Steve having that leprechaun shoved way way up his ass, no big twist ending on this one either. That 3.72 points from Joe "Flacid" Flacco really wasn't going to help too much there, hoss.
Falafel 1st Class 118.87 - Captain Amerithong 68.78
Ho hum. Travis puts up another big point total and Rich is his bitch as usual.
Oh, and I padded this recap with pictures because I'm bitter and lazy. Like I said - Predictable.
Peace,
- The Commish
The Goy's Teeth 86.33 - Major Blowhard 76.18
OK, while it wasn't at all shocking that Rivers would suck yet again and screw me yet again, I still can't believe I lost to this guy. I mean, look at him!!!
A Tiger in Africa? 93.16 - The Choot Spas 67.30
No surpises here either, unless you count Robby starting Brian Hartline at WR. This was like Duke beating Maryland in basketball. Nobody is batting an eye when Duke wins by a score of 93-67.
FrayedEndsofSanity 83.97 - Stupid Yard Marker 78.85
So the last place team that has most of his players hurt and/or on bye and is 1-6 on the season and is bald...that team loses? Who would have thunk it?!! I mean, slap my ass and call me Nancy, I didn't see that one coming!
Squirrelfucker Jones 88.35 - The Electric Bacon 80.52
Guess this one could have gone either way, but with Aaron Rodgers on bye and Steve having that leprechaun shoved way way up his ass, no big twist ending on this one either. That 3.72 points from Joe "Flacid" Flacco really wasn't going to help too much there, hoss.
Falafel 1st Class 118.87 - Captain Amerithong 68.78
Ho hum. Travis puts up another big point total and Rich is his bitch as usual.
Oh, and I padded this recap with pictures because I'm bitter and lazy. Like I said - Predictable.
Peace,
- The Commish
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