Week 8 Recap - Record Book

Greetings Ghouls and Goblins,

Well, things seem to be shaking out pretty quickly around here, with the current top 5 in the league all winning and the bottom 5 all losing.   Thong's team is lucky, my team (aka Denver) is on bye this week, Robby's team is still really good, Maine's team is hanging around, MFrank's team will finish 7-7, Steve's team is jinxed but can still make a run, Falafel's team is worthless, Sean's team is worthless and unlucky, Brother Cole's team is worthless and unlucky and hurt, and Brad's team is simply pathetic.

So instead of recapping, let's take a peek at some records with a chance to fall this season:

Thong is making history in more ways than one:

- Longest winning streak, current AND all-time: Trophy Thong - 7


- Strength of Schedule - Easiest

• Weekly Average     Trophy Thong     64.49
• Weekly Average, All Time     Chief of Staff, Season 2008     69.89

And on the flip side, Sean is making a run at unluckiest bastard...

- Strength of Schedule - Hardest

• Weekly Average     Ray Rice Sucks     96.43    
• Weekly Average, All Time     Despicable Falafel, Season 2010     98.63

Bradley is making an inglorious run as well.  You can do it Brad!  Just suck a little harder!

- Total Points - Least 

• Season (Average)     King Nothing     572.7 (71.58)    
• Season (Average)     League of Morons, Season 2008     66.91 (70.49)

In the obscure record category, Falafel is dominating from the kicker position, which tells me his worthless team is actually even more worthless than we thought.  Also, he's on pace to break his own worthless record.

- Kicking Points - Most   

• Season (Average)     Falafelysium     91 (11.37)    
• Season (Average), All Time     Falafel 1st Seed, Season 2011     169 (10.56)

Falafel is, however, getting a shit-ton of receiving yards:

- Receiving Yards - Most

• Season (Average)     Falafelysium     3188 (398.5)     
• Season (Average), All Time     Falafel 1st Seed, Season 2011     6097 (381.06)

Unsurprisingly, Peyton Manning...er...I mean my team...is on pace to shatter some offensive records.


- Touchdowns - Most

• Season (Average)     General Gonad     58 (7.25)    
• Season (Average), All Time     Sergeant Shaft, Season 2010     105 (6.56)    

- Passing Yards - Most

•  Season (Average)     General Gonad     2919 (364.87)    
•  Season (Average), All Time     Captain Amerithong, Season 2011     5351 (334.43)

And finally, Sean can't do much, but he can kick field goals dammit.  

- Field Goals - Most

• Season (Average)     Ray Rice Sucks     20 (2.5)    
• Season (Average), All Time     Falafel 1st Seed, Season 2011     40 (2.5)

Happy Halloween, you teeny weenies!
- The Commish

Week 7 Recap

Hey Party People!

I'd like to begin this recap by noting that this year every single person in the league has a favorite NFL team that is either sucking ass, underachieving, or both.  And that means that everyone's hopes and dreams and happiness and sense of self-worth are now tied up solely in the fortunes of their fantasy teams.  So that being said, now that we're half-way through the season, let's take stock of the league using one of my favorite gimmicks - The Power Poll!  (Note: also the nickname of Steve's vibrator.)

BOTTOM FEEDERS DIVISION
10.  Bradley "King Nothing" Malemezian
Brad is epitomizing his King Nothing moniker this season, by literally doing nothing. He's made 7 moves so far.  He's the Jacksonville Jaguars of the league, not even cracking 500 total points yet.   Amendola and Murray have been hurt, which nobody except everybody saw coming.  But the good news is that he has 6 players on bye this week, so at least he has something to look forward to. 

Best Value Pick:  Le'v'e'o'n Bell ($5)
Worst Value Pick: CJ "BJ" Spiller ($59)



9. Brabby Normother Colemal
The Numbers don't lie.  The once mighty champion is clearly in a rebuilding year, and is currently tanking in hopes of a better draft pick in 2014.  How else to explain starting Cutler over Wilson last week?  Anyhow, at this point Brother Cole just spends Sundays staring longingly at his barren mantel, contemplating trades he should have made 4 years ago. 

Best Value Pick:  Jordan "Michael" Cameron ($1)
Worst Value Pick: MJD AKA "Junkyard Dog" ($35)


***IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT***
It has been decided by the competition committee that there is a new booby prize for finishing in LAST place.  If you finish in 10th place, then you are hereby designated as "Auction Bitch" at next year's draft.  And while that only entails having to type the winning bids into the computer during the draft for a couple hours, the humiliation will last a lifetime.



GENERAL FOOLISHNESS DIVISION
8. Mike "Mr. F" Frank Singing Cat
While Mike is still liable to finish 7-7, his talented team has issues with underachieving so far.  He can't decide which QB to play.  He has two guys - Bush and Sproles - who might actually be the same person.  And Trent Richardson looks slower than something really really slow.  I dunno...like a sloth or a snail maybe?  Anyhow, his guys better step it up soon.  Otherwise he's in danger of not making the playoffs for the every time ever. 

Best Value Pick: Antonio "UPS" Brown ($10)
Worst Value Pick:Trent "The Cleveland Steamer" Richardson ($49)



7.  Sean 4-Man
While Ray Rice does indeed still suck, there's a slim chance that Sean's team doesn't anymore.  He's put up some decent totals in the past month with a couple of wins to show for it.  And while nobody is picking him to win the championship or even make the playoffs, perhaps a strong finish will land him in that coveted Rogaine commercial. .. Bonus props to him for starting and winning with Payton "Jello Legs" Hillis last night.  He is SMRT and BLAD.

Best Value Pick: Tony "Romas" Romo ($6)
Worst Value Pick: All together now... Ray Rice! ($51)



WHO KNOWS DIVISION
6.  Falafel Falafel Falafel
Now we get into the fuzzy part of the rankings, where everyone has a chance to make a run.  In Travis's case, it's not looking good though.  He's stuck with a suddenly 53-year-old Tom Brady and is super thin at running back beyond Jamaal "976 carries" Charles and Charles "3 random good games a year" Johnson.  If Jimmy Graham's injury lingers, Falafel could be toast.

Best Value Pick:  Anquan "Bold" Boldin ($3)
Worst Value Pick: Tom "So Sad" Brady ($30)


5.  Yes Yes Bacon!  No No Heartattack!
Well this is a mish-mash of a team.  I have no idea what's going on with this squad and I bet Maine doesn't either.  TY Hilton could blow up now or get lost in double coverage with Wayne out.  Doug Martin could be out 1 week or 10, which could either hurt or help Maine's team.  Jaret Boykin could be awesome or a one-week wonder.  Cecil Shorts will continue to be Cecil Shorts though.  So in conclusion, 5 seems about right here.

Best Value Pick:  Alshon Jeffrey ($1 from Travis)
Worst Value Pick: Doug Martin Lawrence ($1 million)




THE CONTENDERS
4.  Overrated Thong
Despite a gaudy 6-1 record and no obvious signs of a post-Championship hangover, when you look closer, Thong's team ain't all that.  He's got Ryan at QB who has nobody to throw to anymore.  He's had - by far - the least amount of points scored against him.  And he never learned to read.  So he'll make the playoffs, but lose in the first round this time.

Best Value Pick: Josh "Flash" Gordon ($3)
Worst Value Pick: Jason "Witty" Witten ($13)



3.  Commish.
Peyton Manning can mask a lot of ills on a team.  Like a bad Denver offensive line.  And two badly hurt stud WRs.  And bad drafting at RB.  And a bad RB trade.  And an injured and overrated defense.  But still...Peyton Manning.

Best Value Pick:  Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning. ($35)
Worst Value Pick: David "Brokeneck Mountain" Wilson ($14)



2.  Robby?
That's right - Robby.  Rodgers.  Fitzgerald.  McFadden.  Gore.  Decker.  DJax.  A Not-Dead Finley.  Chutzpah.  Chut Spa.  This team has it all?

Best Value Pick:Eric Decker ($6)
Worst Value Pick:Zac Studfeld ($2)


1.  Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve!
We all better hope the Steve Squad misses out on the playoffs after a slow start to his season.  Because he's got a damn good chance to win it all.  With the return of Gronk, the emergence of Zac Stacy, the trade for Knowshon Moreno, the maturation of Keenan Allen, the Percy Harvin waiting the bench, and the trip to Costco for Imodium in bulk, Steve's team is now a frickin force to be reckoned with.

Best Value Pick:  ($3)
Worst Value Pick:  ($13)


Cheers,
The Commish

Week 5 Recap

You know those women in abusive relationships?  You know the ones.  They get beat up by their husbands, tell their friends they ran into a doorknob repeatedly, get beat up again, finally leave, go back to them, get beat up some more, go stay with their sister Jolene for a while, then move back in with the jerk anyhow, hoping that somehow this time would be different.  I understand these women.  It makes sense to me.  I get it.  I GET it.

This is a recapish list from someone who has been driven completely mad by sports.

- Maine's team is not to be trifled with.
- Robby has the best team. 
- I have the 4 1/2 best team.
- From Rotoworld: "Ryan Tannehill is on pace to be sacked 77 times this season, which would set an NFL record. David Carr was sacked 76 times while playing for the expansion Texans in 2002. Tannehill's offensive line is perhaps worse, highlighted by an inept tackle duo of Jonathan Martin and Tyson Clabo. When GM Jeff Ireland started lighting money on fire during free agency, he forgot to address the offensive line. It's stunting his franchise quarterback's growth"
- Mike Frank will finish 7 and 7.
- Brother Cole has the worst team.
- There are now new planned bowl games for Boca Raton, Montgomery, Albuquerque, The Bahamas, and Detroit.
- Only one of those bowl game cities is made up.  Guess which.
- Should we be worried about Steve making a run?  Nah, probably not.
- Repeating an above item, Brother Cole has the worst team.


In conclusion, this is the only sporting event I'm ever watching anymore:

- 

Insanely yours,
- The Commish

Week 4 Recap

Dear Sirs and Madam (Steve),

No sense in talking about the league much.  It's pretty cut and dry.  Sean is D-U-N.  BrotherCole and Steve are in pretty big holes, and not each others.  And everyone else is jockeying for position with plenty of season left.

A lot of high losing scores this week though, so let's get recappin....


General Gonad 109.34   Falafelysium 106.47
Your beloved Commish ekes out a win over the hated Falafel.  This one came down to Lamar Miller being light years better than Daniel Thomas on Monday Night Football.  And the vaunted Miami Defense holding Jimmy Graham to a mere 100 Yds and 2 TDs.  Way to not give up that 3rd TD!!

And now for some random musings about the Dolphins:
- Jonathan Martin is absolutely terrible and couldn't block a midget trying to rape his own mother.
- Their coaching staff, with the exception of not having a QB sneak on 3rd and inches in the playbook, is generally doing a pretty great job. Really.
- Nolan Carroll is terrible and couldn't cover scissors with two rocks.
- The Defense needs to get healthy, but even at full strength, they wouldn't have been able to cover both Sproles and Graham last night.  Not sure how anyone does.
- Brent Grimes is both a pretty darn good defensive back and a tiny tiny man.
- Mike Wallace needs to DO SOMETHING.
- And finally, giving Jeff Ireland a contract extension is a travesty.  He's still the worst person in the history of the world.
  

King Nothing 111.20  Tony Montana 101.06
In the Gator-bait match-up of the week, Steve is another hard-luck loser (and a soft-cock wiener!).  This one came down to Victor Cruz being light years better than Hakeem Nicks.  And Le'vo'nn' Bell coming back from injury to score 2 TD for Brad's squad.  Alas, Brad wasn't watching football, but rather at his local cinema watching the new Metallica 3-D movie 4 times in a row on Sunday until he started bleeding from his ears and eyeballs.

In unrelated news, I've decided to nickname these two lovely owners "Stradley."   That is all. 


Folk Singin' Cat 128.52   Ray Rice Sucks 111.62  
You know those must-win games in the NFL, where a once-proud team is winless and they throw everything but the kitchen sink at their opponent and give it everything they got, but come up short and recanyways?  Am I talking about Sean's beloved Steelers?  Or his fantasy team?  Trick question - it's his hairline.

Meanwhile, Mr. F is in first place.  Yeah, that'll last....


Trophy Thong 78.41  CrazyArseWhiteBoy 64.32 
Now we get into the low scoring match-ups.  Aaron Rodgers on bye will do that.  I'd still rather have Robby's team than Thong's.  Hang in there pal.  It gets better.

Meanwhile, Thong is 3-1 and cruising toward back-to-back Chicken Bone Cups.  The only thing that can stop him is his mediocre team.


Yes! Yes! Bacon! 87.11  Abby Normal 70.67
A Haiku, to commemorate Maine's 17 point win:

Antonio Gates!
Adrian Peterson rules!
Wither Brother Cole? 



Peace Out Homies,
The Commish

Week 3 Recap

So, after 3 weeks, here's what we're looking at - a whole lot of parity (with the exception of Sean's turd of a team).  Nobody is good enough to run away with this thing.  Not even cocky Falafel-boy.


General Gonad 83.23      King Nothing 48.73

Dear Bradley,

So how did that feel, you turncoat motherfucker??? Sitting there in front of the TV on your birthday, rooting for the  Falcons over the Dolphins, doing the Dirty Bird in your underwear every time the Falcons scored...  Then the Dolphins come back and beat your beloved Falcons.  Then your fantasy team starts getting crushed.  Then you start crying into your birthday cake. 

So Happy Fucking Birthday!!  You deserve everything you got.

Sincerely,
The 3-0 Miami Dolphins

Tony Montana 98.71      CrazyA**WhiteBoy 53.94
So Steve shakes off the shackles of 0-2 with a dominating victory over his pants-mate Robby.  Steve's team could have scored even more points if his running back could play rock-paper-scissors worth a damn.  Really Knowshon?  Scissors?  Scissors?!?

http://www.denverbroncos.com/news-and-blogs/article-1/Rock-Paper-Scissors-Touchdown/060a7281-352f-4eb6-82b2-83a1ce3911c1

Meanwhile, even though he lost miserably, I'd still rather have Robby's team than Steve's.  He'll be back folks.
  

Falafelysium 104.24     Abby Normal 94.12
Falafel gets the win to move into first place in all the land, thanks to his white Bronco being better than BroCole's white Bronco - and OJ's for that matter.  There's nothing that can stop him now, other than his own stupidity and hubris.

For Brother Cole, it's another week and another mediocre QB (and old broke-ass running backs).  It's only been three weeks, but this is starting to look grim already.  Maybe you can still spend that 12 bucks you saved at the auction for a "rainy day."


Folk Singin' Cat 99.06    Yes! Yes! Bacon! 79.24 
A Cam Newton sighting!!!  It was a bittersweet victory for Mr. F., as he watched his beloved Giants get crushed at the hands of his franchise QB.  Thanks to Cam the Man and Antonio "Tony" Brown, Mike cruises to the win over Maine's Adrian Peterson and the Petersonettes.  Even Jermaine's daughters couldn't believe he lost to Mr. F.



Trophy Thong 63.09   Ray Rice Sucks 55.39 
This match-up was even more boring than the final score indicates.  Sean would have won if he started Tony Romo instead of broke RG 0-3.  And Thong won in spite of having Josh Gordon and Joique Bell on his bench.  So in short....woo.  And stuff.

Regards,
The Commish

Week 1 Recap

Wow!  That was quite the eventful first week of the season!  There were higher scores than Thong’s golf game!  There were more turnovers than Ass Bandits 6! There were more safeties than Men Without Hats!  There were more exclamation points than a teenage girl’s blog!!!!

In short, wow.

Let’s recap the ridiculousness….

General Gonad              120.05

Tony Montana               92.08

This matchup was over by Friday morning, but that doesn't mean it wasn't interesting.   My team managed to have not one, but TWO running backs get benched for fumbling in Week 1,  plus another one who gained a total of 3 rushing yards.  I would have been better starting a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in place of all THREE running backs.  And I hate peanut butter!  Not to mention that Roddy White (AKA "Mr. Secret High Ankle Sprain") doesn't give a SHIT about me:

No I can't give out an injury report before the game. I play real football and it would be stupid to tip the other team off and say I'm hurt — Roddy White (@roddywhiteTV) September 9, 2013

Meanwhile, Steve is the leader in the clubhouse already for post of the year with a clinically insane rant.  I'm starting to worry about him.   And all this despite his team actually putting up a decent number this week.

CrazyA**WhiteBoy    131.65

Abby Normal                 91.89

So, my first question is whether Yahoo censored "Ass" to "A**" in Robby's team name, or if he was just worried he was offending our delicate sensibilities?  My second question is if Robby's team can keep this up all year, because DAMN that was a high score amongst high scores.  My third question is if Brother Cole is going to start a different mediocre QB all season?  And my fourth question is to Brother Cole, asking how Robby's ass tastes?

   
            

King Nothing                 117.64

Folk Singin' Cat             86.55

So, Mazzle puts up 117, thanks to a high variance of performances from his stars (Owen Daniels) and scrubs (CJ Spiller) team.  What happens to him next week when it all crashes down and he breaks his crown and he points his finger, but there's no one around.  He just wants one thing - just to play the king.  But the castle's crumbled, and he's left with just a name.  Where's your crown, King Mazzle?  Where's your fucking crown!?!

Mr. F showed up too, with Luck and a Bush, but not much else.  (Sometimes, that's all you really need though.  But not this week.)  He'll win next week to stay at .500.

               

Falafelysium                  114.97

I Started C. Ivory?        66.91

In the biggest blowout of Week 1, Sean might have proved the maxim that "Six fantasy teams are too much for any bald man."  Truer words have never been said.  ... On the flip side, Falafel enjoyed a well-rounded team effort, put up a fairly high score, and ate a moderately sized sandwich for lunch today. 

               

Yes! Yes! Bacon!          99.74

Trophy Thong              93.49

In the closest matchup of Week 1, Thong began his first title defense with a loss to Maine's Adrian Peterson and the Petersonettes.   Thong's Redskins let him down in more ways than one on Monday night, no doubt due to the bad karma surrounding their obscenely racist nickname.  Rich - you might want to put those plans on hold to change your fantasy team name to the "Thongskins."

The Recap Will Return in "Recap Week 2: Electric Boogaloo"

- The Commish

Playoff Recap and Year-End Awards

Thanks to everyone for another festive season.  There’s not much to be said about the playoffs this year that hasn’t already been said, thought, tweeted, or tattooed on Travis’s mom’s ass.

The Cole Brothers are full of regret.  Michael for trading me Chris Johnson, which was the sole difference in him not winning another championship.   And me for not outbidding Rich for Matt Ryan at the draft; and then leaving Flacco on my bench yesterday.   But we both got beat fair and square.

Steve-O, on the other hand, rues nothing!  He brought his A-game this year.  Sometimes you just lay a turd in the playoffs.  So no regrets there.  Just a new source of bitterness.

Finally, congrats to you Thong!!!  If someone had to win it besides me, I would have wanted it to be Steve.  And then Mike Frank.   But after them, totally you.  Enjoy the Chicken Bone Cup on your mantel – hope you can get the Falafel smell out.

Oh, and Mike Frank takes the Jean Shorts!!!   I think a picture of him wearing them should be his team avatar next season.


Let’s close the book on this season with a few awards:

Best Team Name:  Thongmetheus – Even his team name was good this year.
Worst Team Name: (tie.) Duck Butter and Larry’s Homework.   C’mon guys – let’s put a little more effort into team names next year.

Most Underpaid:  RGIII, $2, Maine
Sean Forman Memorial Most Overpaid:  Matt Stafford, $32, Sean Forman

Best Message Board Quote: "15 fucking weeks for nothing. You can all suck a lizard's dick. I'm rooting for Thong (in more ways than one). Seacrest out, fuckers!”  - Steve
Worst Message Board Quote: "Fuck My Life" – Falafel AND Steve

Best Luck: Brother Cole (11th year in a row)
Worst Luck: Is there any doubt on this one?  Robby Feldman, in a unanimous decision.

Best Trade:  Commish trading Stevan Ridley for Chris Johnson
Worst Trade: Maine trading Jamaal Charles for 2 Kickers.

Best Waiver Wire Pickup:  Knowshon Moreno, Commish
Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Your Moms
Dennis Northcutt Memorial Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Brandon Myers, multiple people

Waiver Wire Champ:  The winner and still champion – Steve!   He had to come from behind to win it.  Also pick up a lot of dudes.  And also make a lot of transactions.
Waiver Wire Chump: Robby, who checked out faster than his wife during sex.

Best Hair and Makeup: Bradley

Post of the Year:  Commish, Week 8 Recap

Poster of the Year:  Giving this award for quantity, not quality this year.  You could stop Falafel from winning again, but you could not contain the douchiness.  He was all over the board this year, with inane post after inane post.  So congrats! (Or something!)

Mr Irrelevant: Maine

Peace Out and Merry New Year!!!
- The Commish