Week 15 Recap

Um, like I just said - that sucked. Here's what happened to result in the godforsaken Mazzle v. BrotherCole final we unfortunately have on our hands....

Mazzle 104.69 Sir Chokesalot 55.74

Bradford Mellamazien put on a show this week that ensures no one will forget his name again. Playing the "nobody believed in us" card, he put up a huge snow-aided total and has successfully made it back to lose in the Championship Game. His team had an amazing CG factor, and no team had a shot against him, let alone mine. ... Between snow, injuries, inexplicable ineffectiveness, and plain old bad managing, everything that could go wrong, did. In one week, I managed to get hit with all the bad luck I had avoided all season. It was like watching my pet doberman get eaten by Godzilla. Or something. Anyhow, it sucked, but it was somehow unsurprising. Sometimes the fantasy football gods just don't shine upon you, and I was due.



Flop The Nvts 68.56 Plethora of Piñatas 64.86

In the most uninspiring playoff game of all time, M. Cole earned a 5-4 decision over M. Tamayo. This wasn't a hard one to predict (hi!), as Tamayo without Tom Brady is like women without breasts. Useless. This was lower scoring than Robby in college. So anyhow.... somehow, some way, BrotherCole makes it back to the finals, where he's not only proven how to win, but how to win ungraciously. Oh goody.




Porn on the Cobb 75.38 Karmasabitch 40.98

In the Strobby Playoff spectacular, the latter half of Strobby was anything but. Meanwhile, the former half continues his annual quest for the Jean Shorts of Destiny.

Touchdown My Thong 64.47 Punters on Roids 29.41


Oh, who the fuck cares?






Look forward later this week to Falafel's Championship Preview. Guaranteed to be wrong, or your money back.

Everyone can bite me,
- The Commish

Week 14 Recap

Hey there Michael Cole, Michael Tamayo, and Bradley Malemezian! Congratulations and welcome to the playoffs!!! Though your stay will be short-lived, please enjoy yourselves and be sure to wipe your feet on the way inside Thunderdome. Four men shall enter, but only one (hi!) shall remain. But how did we get here, you ask? The recap shall remind you...



Only two games mattered, so that's all that I'm recapping. I will note, however, that all 4 of us playoff participants scored over 100 points this week. Nobody is backing into the playoffs; in fact, this might be the deepest and strongest playoff field we've ever had.


Oh, and I'll also note that with this week's win, Sir and the Loins set a Chicken Bone regular season record going a gaudy 13-1. So suck on that, people that are named Robby Friedman!


Plethora of Piñatas 122.86
Man of A Million Names (aka Steve) 77.05
In a choke job reminiscent of his college days, Steve got blown out on the last weekend of the season to seal his consolation bracket fate. And while he'll tell you that he's content with a possibility at jean shorts, he's lying more than Thong is about his sexuality. Though he came on strong later in the season, it was an ultimately disappointing year for Steve-o, considering the Adrian Peterson lottery he hit. ... Meanwhile, Mr. Tamayo is an unstoppable juggernaut at this point. He is unbeatable - like Ivan Drago. And he just killed Apollo Steve's season.


Mazzle 115.92
Fassel's Falafels 99.65
In a stunning turn of events, Falafel actually scored more than 60 points. Oh, but Brad scored more. Using a strong balanced attack, Mr. Malemezian showed everyone why he deserves to lose in the first round of the playoffs. He's like the Clubber Lang of this league - he's big and black and wears a lot of jewelry. Also, he's on the A-Team. I hope this analogy was helpful.

Got a meeting to run to, but look forward on Friday to Falafel's Annual Playoff Preview Extravaganza!!!


Cheers,
- The Commish

Week 13 Recap

Well, it had to happen sometime folks. All good things must come to an end, and so it was this week. For the first time in what seems like forever... Falafel has fallen into dead last place in the league. But that's not the only thing to discuss after last night's great MNF game. So a-recapping we shall go....

Tebow For He15man 110.83 Karmasabitch 92.25

In the "Hole Bowl," Steve pulls out a big one. Thanks to his big studs - Cletus and PJ - he is now in a prime position to make the playoffs (and proving that you don't need no stinkin WRs to win in this league). Also, there is no truth to the rumor that Steve sleeps with a Tim Tebow blow-up doll. No truth whatsoever. ... On the flip side of the coin, this is the first and only season that Robby uses the word Karma inappropriately in his team name. Karma has taken offense.

Flop The Nvts 84.79 Mazzle 81.54

It's now time for the annual Mazzle Choke-athon!!! It's like the Toyota-thon, only with less trucks and more sobbing. This past week, all he had to do was beat a BrotherCole, who wanted nothing more than to lose. Unfortunately, neither got what they wanted, as LDT foiled them both. Tune in next week, when Brad tries to do the impossible - lose to Falafel.

Touchdown My Thong 75.65 Punters on Roids 69.51

A kangaroo is a marsupial from the family Macropodidae (macropods, meaning 'large foot'). In common use the term is used to describe the largest species from this family, the Red Kangaroo, the Antilopine Kangaroo, and the Eastern and Western Grey Kangaroo of the Macropus genus. The family also includes many smaller species which include the wallabies, tree-kangaroos, wallaroos, pademelons and the Quokka, some 63 living species in all.[1] Kangaroos are endemic to the continent of Australia, while the smaller macropods are found in Australia and New Guinea. Green Team!

The Barber 88.82 Fassel's Falafels 49.38

Not sure what to say about this one either. Falafel's struggles have been well documented. And MFrank, though flirting with respectability lately, is still 4-9. He's pretty good at racquetball, I suppose.

Plethora of Piñatas 92.06 Sir Loin 83.88
OK, so I lost a close one to the 2nd best team in the league. There's no shame in that.


Happy Hanukkah Everybody!!!
- The Commish

From The Desk of The Commish

Howdy folks. Long time, no 'cap. Hope everyone's Thanksgivings were swell and stuff. We're back from Havana City (where the folks are mean and the Fins are shitty) , and it turns out we missed our window for last week's recap. Sweet Peaches! What to do?!! How bout a Jason Stark-esque Rumblings column to hold you over til next Tuesday? Will that do, pig?

Playoff Picture
Seems most everyone around here is treading water until the playoffs. At this point, 1 team is in for sure (Hi!), 2 are virtual locks, and 5 have been officially eliminated. That just leaves Rappaport and Malemezian fighting it out for the last spot, with Mazzle having the inside track to get smoked in the first round. Plus, with TO's big game last night, this week Steve is already in a huge hole to Robby. (But I suppose he's used to that sort of thing.) Anyhow, at least something besides Steve' s heterosexual virginity is still up for grabs these last two weeks.

A Historic Season?
Can't have a weekly column without mentioning both my obvious superiority at Fantasy Football and also my run at an unprecedented undefeated season. With only 4 games to go, what once seemed like a quixotic quest is now more than a possibility - it's a probability. Also, with a win this week, it will have been a full calendar year since I lost a game in this league. A full year! Suck on that, people that aren't me!

Updated Playoff Odds and Power Rankings
10. Old Thong 0%
9. Fat Bobby 0%
8. Mad Massey 0%
7. Hopeless Falafel 0%
6. Bad Karma 0%
5. Steve 23.5%
4. Mazzle 76.8%
3. Bro Cole 99.8%
2. Tamayo 99.9%
1. Commish 100!!!%

Monday Night Marsh
Just wanted to take a second to note that BrotherCole had no business winning last week, with MFrank only needing like 4 points from Big Ben going into Monday Night in the Swamps of Pittsburgh. Thanks to the weather and Dr. Forman's refusal to call passing plays, Ben did jack squat. .. This game proved a couple things: 1) God hates MFrank and 2) BrotherCole without Ronnie Brown's production is highly overrated, eminently beatable, and bad at predicting NFL point spreads.

Week 13 Preview
This week's regular season games are actually top-notch, with a Commish v. Tamayo Championship Preview, a Mazzle v. Bro Cole 3rd Place Game preview, a Steve v. Robby hole-a-thon, and a Bobby v. Thong Toilet Bowl Preview. Also, some meaningless game involving Falafel (I know...redundant.)

Poetry Time
Ten little managers, hair all so fine.
The Barber got snipped, and then there were nine.
Nine little managers, drafting up late.
Thong drafted Shaun, and then there were eight.
Eight little managers, in Outback heaven.
Bob shagged a 'roo, and then there were seven.
Seven little managers, trading their picks.
Falafel sold high, and then there were six.
Six little managers, their luck took a dive.
Karma couldn't pull out, and then there were five.
Five little managers, groins feeling sore.
Steve got The Clap, and then there were four.
Four little managers, exams unto thee.
Brad couldn't pass, and then there were three.
Three little managers, with options to chew.
Brother Cole choked, and then there were two.
Two little managers, hanging in Boston.
Brady got hurt, and then there was one.
One little manager, never outdone.
He won The Trophy, and then there were none.


That'll do, pig. That'll do.
-The Commish

Week 11 Precap

Supplies! A Precap! With all the games decided and your trusty Commish leaving for the Sunshine State tomorrow, it's time for some premature recapulation....

King Loin 102.21 Retarded Punters 58.26
Corpulent Robert managed to set his so-called "lineup" this week, but to little avail. He was no match for the Mannheim Steamroller known as yours truly. Backing up my boasts of consistency on the message board this past week, I successfully turned in my most CG week yet. (Go look..I'll wait). All but one of my skill players scored one TD, my Kicker got me 8, and my Defense got me 10. Add in my rugged good looks, and ya'll better hide your mothers! I'm just too good baby...

Mr. Thongtastic! 78.54 Steve Got Tased! 62.00
Steve got "Manninged" again and somehow lost to the rotting corpse that is Richard Spady. And with no Adrian Peterson to bail him out, it's time for him to be concerned. Also for him to be concerned about, that itching.

The Karma Initiative 105.49 "All In" Falafel 80.89
Wow, thanks to a huge 4-TD day from Randy Moss, Falafel easily beat Robby to move within a game of a playoff spot. Wait...what's that you said? Falafel traded Moss to Robby weeks ago in an attempt to "sell high" (and by "selling high," he must have meant he was on drug at the time). Well, that changes everything. Robby got 8 frickin TDs from Moss and Owens...8!!! Easy and well deserved win for him, while Falafel can officially give up that false hope he's been harboring.

Tom Brady and The Mexicans 110.47 BrotherDull 95.52
Um...the Patriots are really good. News flash. And Frank Gore is really Bad. With a capital B.

No Country For Bad Managers 82.70 Frazzled 36.75
And thus begins Mazzle's upcoming 4 game losing streak. Buy tickets to see it now! Good seats still available!

That's all for now my Turkeys. A very happy and safe Thanksgiving to all.

- THE COMMISH

Week 10 Recap

Hiya folks. Sorry for the late recap, but I've been home sick today, feeling rather flu-ish. (Funny, I don't look flu-ish). But Mongolian Death Flu or no Mongolian Death Flu, the recap shall go on. For if I don't sing my own praises, who will? I mean, I'm just that important to me.

Sir Loin 77.39 Don't Tase Me Bro 66.95
Some may call it luck that I win by 11 and Peyton Manning throws for a career high 6 INTs (-12). I call it good defense with a healthy dose of Antonio Cromartie. Yup, a Tennessee grad and an FSU grad teaming up to screw Steve over. It's no wonder he's bitter. .. He still actually had a chance on Monday night, but thanks to my superior managing skills in starting DJ Hackett in my flex spot, I emerged victorious. ... My undefeated season is still alive, despite all the naysayers who voted against me this past week. (OK, it was just Tamayo, but still...) More on my continued dominance to come....


Fassel's Falafels 83.90 Punters on Roids Shagging Sheep 45.08
OK, this is ridiculous. Fat Australian Bobby deserves a beat down. For a second straight week, he neglects his lineup and lets his opponent walk all over him. I don't care if I am playing him next week, this can't go on like this. I'd actually like to put this up for discussion, in light of his overall negligible league participation the last couple years. How do we proceed? Censure? Probation? Sanctions? Vote for impeachment? Please put your two cents in on the message board. .. Meanwhile, Falafel stays alive in the playoff hunt, if only barely, with a key (though tainted) win.


Flop The Nvts 81.43 Karmasabitch 73.81
Looking over the scores from this year and considering his respectable total points, the real hard luck loser in this league is none other than Humberto Feldman. For once his bad drafting, poor managing, and low IQ isn't to blame for his failures. He's got a good team and honestly should be smack in the middle of the playoff picture. But instead he's got losing streak as big as the tub of hair gel on his nightstand.

Mazzle 93.47 Plethora of Piñatas 81.41
One (low) high score for the week, and Mazzle thinks he's all hot shit. Mr. Streaky is due to lose 3-4 in a row now, so I suppose he might as well enjoy it now. ... On the losing end was the not so famous band, The Tom Brady's Bye Week Experience (lead singer: Wayne Brady).

Touchdown My Thong 75.75 The Barber 67.44
These two teams are so bad, they make the Hurricanes and the Dolphins look awesome by comparison. .. Ok, not really. But they still suck. Thong a little less.

Week 9 Recap

No time for a Preamble to the Recapitution. We the schmucks.....

Floppy The Bunny 85.34 Punters Down Under 68.00

Well, if it isn't the black pot! Mr. Rabbit's Foot! For the first time this season, I call Shenanigans! Brother Cole moves to 6-3, even though he had no business whatsoever winning this game. The only reason the lucky bastard wins is because Fat Bobby is currently in Australia, too busy with his dick up a kangaroo's ass to bother starting Larry Johnson or Tony Gonzales. Instead he started Mr. and Mrs. Bye and lost. Down Under or not, that is a serious breach in Fantasy etiquette. They got the interweb down there - use it, fatso!!! Stop sucking off a koala and do your duty!

Sir Loin 88.55 Touchdown My Thong 46.53

9 weeks down, 9 teams down. Raise your hand if you've lost to me this season. Yup, that's what I thought. Hi everybody!!! Admittedly, I was playing the hollowed out corpse of the manager formerly known as Thong. But still, I've run the league so far, and show no signs of slowing down. No amount of jinxes or reverse jinxes or hijinxes can stop me. I've even got my son smiling and laughing when I chant Joey Addai's name. Jo-ey-a-dai, Jo-ey-a-dai, Jo-ey-a-dai!!!

Don't Tase Me Bro 112.77 Fassel's Falafels 61.42

Raise your hand if you thought that the Week 9 game would have Steve-o moving into a playoff position while simultaneously knocking Falafel out of the picture entirely. Thanks to Adrian Peterson (aka Purple Jesus), Steve is looking hella strong right now. He's going to be tough to beat down the stretch. Meanwhile, I don't care what desperate trades he makes or what imaginary poker chips he pushes in. Falafel is Done. D-U-N.

Mazzle 114.20 Karmasabitch 108.02
Mr. Malemezian is on one of his patented winning streaks and Mr. Feldman is on one of his patented losing streaks. How long either lasts is anyone's guess.

Plethora of Piñatas 89.08 The Barber 84.23

So there's this rumor going around that Tom Brady was suspended 4 games for performance-enhancing drugs. It's bullshit of course, but the thought of that info reaching Tamayo's ears brings a smile to my face. For he only goes as far as the Brady Train takes him. Should be interesting if the Pats clinch home field advantage and decide to rest Brady the last couple games. He better pick up Matt Cassel just in case. .. Meanwhile, The Massey Barber comes up short on Monday night and thus ends his season-high 1 game winning streak.

Next week I start making the rounds again, BrotherCole tries to get lucky with Robby, Falafel goes all into Bobby, Mazzle and Tamayo jockey for playoff position and tacos, and Thong and MFrank face off in the toilet bowl.

Til next time, true believers....

- The Commish

Week 8 Recap

Busy day in the real world here kids, so keepin it short this week. The wheat of the league stayed the same with the top three teams all winning, and the chaff stayed where it was too, with the bottom three teams all losing. The crunchy middle is still crunchy. The facts were these....

Sir Loin 128.89
A Hopeless Falafel 50.96
-------------------------
Lead of Loin lengthens with large lashing of loser. Fearful Falafel flounders for loss five. ... This is the official farewell for Falafel's season, for he has become what he has feared the most - a non-factor.


Flop The Nvts 73.85
Don't Tase Me Bro 70.96
-------------------------
BrotherCole ekes out a lucky win on Monday night, with Denver's offense not being able to muster anything at home. He would have lost against most of the league and was lucky that his opponent only put up 70 points. He is also lucky that he doesn't get his ass kicked more with that fat mouth of his.


Mazzle 72.19
Punters on Roids 43.68
-------------------------
Mazzle stays in the playoff picture with this uninspiring win over a lifeless, bloated Bobby. Hmm...Bloated Bob...I like that. I should use that more. .. Oh right, back to the recap, it's matchups like these that make me wish that the playoff tiebreaker used head-to-head results as a factor. The last playoff spot is seriously up for grabs, not unlike a Pork Chop dangled in front of Bloated Bob.


Karmasabitch 77.00
The Barber 75.67
-------------------------
The nee Massey Prenup's luck continues to run south, as he racks up his 11th loss in a row, dating back to high school. If Wynn doesn't get hurt early last night, he probably wins. The big story, however, is that Robby keeps his miracle season alive the same night I have dinner with his mother. Really.


Plethora of Piñatas 120.31
Touchdown My Thong 85.08
-------------------------
A Thong sighting! The Red Thong puts up his most points in weeks in route to a very encouraging loss to the Plethora of Tom Bradys. A moral victory for Thong - he should be very, very proud. Good effort son!!!

Til we shit again,
- The Commish

Week 7 Recap

Well kids, it's halfway through the season so it seems like the natural time to assess this pathetic league with some power rankings. As always, these rankings are for recreational purposes only and should not be used in Divorce Court (cough...cough....Strobby...cough). Aight ya'll, it's time to get ill....



10. Torn and Tattered Thong___Record: 2-5 Playoff Odds: 7.3 %

Now here's an unhappy clown. He made the mistake of going back in time to 2003 to do his draft rankings and now he's paying the price. He's got better playoff odds than MessyMikeFrank due to the additional win, but make no mistake, this is the worst team in the entire league. This team is so bad, Rich just called the Dolphins front office to ask for advice. This team is so bad, it couldn't make the playoffs in a Canadian Fantasy Football League. This team is so bad, I just threw up in my mouth a little.



9. The Messey Prenup___Record: 1-6 Playoff Odds: 2.1 %

How quickly it went downhill for one of the darlings of the draft. It's probably the last time we'll see him at Draft Weekend. Anytime he's around more than 5 guys, he loses his head. But despite the poor record and the least chance of making the playoffs, he can be comforted by the fact that he's not actually the worst team in the league. Though he is the worst dresser. C'mon dude, it's 2007 - throw away that jean jacket!





8. Fried Falafel___Record: 3-4 Playoff Odds: 24.2%

Now it's time for the contenders. Well, at least after we get through talking about Falafel. He's like one of those teams like Carolina or New Orleans that everybody thinks is better than they really are because of some recent past success. But the truth is that his team is falling apart at the seams following one bad decision after another. He didn't draft a QB, ill-advisedly traded away Randy Moss, and started the SoCal wildfires with the burning sensation he had from the gonorrhea he got from the 13 year old Mexican hooker he met in Tijuana. Not good times.


7. Mazzle___Record: 3-4 Playoff Odds: 26.8 %

And here's Mister Streaky. 2 wins here, 2 losses there. His team is like a jigsaw puzzle where you're trying to find the missing piece, but you don't realize the dog ate it 3 weeks ago, but you're still looking under the couch and inside the freezer because it has to be somewhere dammit because your wife really wants to frame the puzzle and hang it in the bathroom so she can look at it when she's taking a crap. So it's like that basically.



6. The Karma Initiative___Record: 3-4 Playoff Odds: 28.6 %

Now here's a developing situation. Robby, despite the high scoring loss to Tamayo this week, actually has a good team for once in his life. Sure, he's got QB issues (and Mommy issues), but still a decent team. Good draft, good trade for Moss - can someone make sure Robby hasn't been replaced by someone who knows something about fantasy football. My theory - he's using the time he usually spends reading about the Dolphins to read up on fantasy stuff.



5. Steeeeeeve!!!___Record: 4-3 Playoff Odds: 41.7 %

Steve and Robby, back to back as usual. Or is it back to front? Or...scratch that, I really don't want to know. But Tamayo does! I hear he likes to watch. And is also into freaky 3 ways with gophers and midgets. Anyhow, Steve's team is pretty good for a Steve team.












4. Bobby on Crack__Record: 4-3 Playoff Odds: 49.9 %

This feels like a smoke and mirrors kind of team to me. Where you look at the roster and don't think that it's anything special, but 100 points later, you're wondering what happened. So who the hell knows? Also, he's corpulent.



3. El Guapo___Record: 4-3 Playoff Odds: 51.1 %

Brady-riffic!!! Who cares about his major RB problems (also money problems), when Tommy Boy is putting up video game numbers? As long as Brady keeps going nuts, this is the team to beat. But.... if he start slipping back into the normal realm of human quarterbacking, Tamayo ain't all that hot shit. More like warm donkey piss. So drink that up!

2. BrotherNuts___Record: 4-3 Playoff Odds: 69.4 %

Here's a little story I got to tell,
about one lame brother you know so well.
It started way back, in history
With a failed dynasty, by him - Mike C.

The best team on paper, but they don't play games on paper. They play them in my house, beeyotch. And in my house, you ain't so bad Clubber Lang. You ain't so bad. Only one champ around these parts, and you ain't it. Have fun with Ronnie Brown rehabbing this offseason. I'll be hanging over here with Kenny Watson and laughing my arse off.

1. Sir___Record: 7-0 Playoff Odds: 99.9999999%

Thought about putting the odds at 100%, but didn't want to be accused of being cocky. Besides, it's not cocky if I'm just this damn good. 10 in a row, dating back to last year, I'm like the Colts of this league. Everyone's talking about Brady and the Pats, but all we do is keep winning and winning and winning winning and winning winning and winning and winning winning and winning winning and winning and winning winning and winning winning and winning and winning winning and winning winning and winning and winning winning and winning winning and winning. You get the idea.

Cheers!

- The Commish

Week 6 Recap

Welcome, my friends, to the new home for recaps. Not sure if this is a permanent move - just taking this thing out for a spin. Hoping that the new-fangled exciting features of using a blogging thing outweigh the Herculean effort of pasting in a url. (Look ma - pictures!). If it sucks, no doubt you'll tell me and we'll go back to the old-fangled way.

In any case, it was quite the crazy weekend of matchups, with big-time high/low scores, 2 near Monday Night Comebacks, and the incident with the midget and the gopher. So come along on a Magical Mystery Tour on Joe Theisman's leg. Nothing bad could happen...right?



Don't Tase Me Bro: 103.81---Massey Preneup: 103.19
In the closest Year-to-Date game, Stevie G squeaks by with a win smaller than his balls. After a slow start to the season, both Stevie and his beloved Giants are back in the playoff picture. But he should thank me for always being "right", which was the key to his victory. (Look ma - it's a riddle!) Meanwhile, MFrank puts up a C-note and still manages to lose again. Think it's time for him to get with Kiper and start evaluating prospects for next year's draft.

Flop the Nutz: 140---Falafel: 40
Damn! I mean, Damn! In what might be a first in our league, BrotherCole did more than just double or even triple up Falafel, he whooped him to the tune of 100+ points. While Falafel chalked this one as a loss weeks ago, it's still got to be a crushing blow to his over-sized ego. Fortunately, he's not going to make a lot of excuses. That's not like him. Meanwhile, BrotherCole is now officially the meat to beat....er, the team to beat.

Tight Ends on Crack: 99---Dusty Bottoms: 98
In any other week, such a tight game would have been noteworthy, but too much other noteworthiness for this here to be worth noting. What I will note is that worthless Fat Bobby didn't even bother to start a kicker and still won. But taking note, a win is worth one in the standings, so who am I to find fault? (Look ma - false modesty!)

Karmasawhore:48---Tattered Thong: 27
Robby was the least pathetic one here and came up with the big win. Can we vote on whether he deserves a full win for this one? I was thinking maybe a half-a-win would be fair. But I suppose rules are rules. Though there should be some sort of asterisk for this one, methinks. As for Thong, the less said the better. This is one of our lowest scores ever, which is saying a lot, considering the mental midgets in this league. He would have been better starting actual moss, rather than the Santana variety. That's his team in a nutshell. (Look ma - I'm in a nutshell)


That's all for this week (my win over Brad couldn't have been less important), but next week you can look forward to Rivalry Week! Cole Bowl 14! Gator Bowl 11! Thongafel Bowl 38! Don't miss the excrement...er, excitement!

- The Commish