Victory Lap and Year-End Awards

And Thus Endeth another fantasy football season. 

I'd like to thank the many, many people who made my ultimate victory possible.... in no particular order...

First, I'd like to thank Maine for sucking so badly in the championship game that my three players going tonight aren’t even needed.  I had mistakenly thought he was trying to reverse-jinx his team by badmouthing it, but it turns out he was speaking the gods-honest-truth.  So apologies!  And condolences…

Next, I’d like to thank The Denver Broncos, who - despite Homer Simpsons' protests - are an actual NFL team.  I'll be rooting for Petyon and Demarius during the playoffs out of habit.   Unbelievable. 

I’d like to thank Robert F. Friedman for out-sucking me in the semi-final game.  He’ll have to console himself with his Law Firm partnership, Mr. Florida Jew pageant 4^th place runner up victory, and his terrible facial hair.

I’d like to thank Thong for keeping my trophy warm.  And also not making the final and beating me again.  Please don’t hunt down Matt Ryan with a shotgun this offseason. 

I’d like to thank Nick Foles for throwing 7 touchdowns during Peyton’s bye week.

I’d like to thank Sean for being bald.

I’d like to thank my millions of fans all around the world for cheering me on this season.  Your emails, tweets, and letters made all the difference.

I’d like to thank my brother for typing my winning team’s players into the computer on draft day.  I wouldn’t have a team without you, bro!  You’ll always be my Auction Bitch!!!

I’d like to thank Mike Frank for being mind-numbingly predictable.

I’d like to thank Steve for being entertaining as hell and also trading me Giovani Bernard. 

I’d like to thank whoever sneezed into Benjarvis Green-Ellis’s salad and got him sick last week.

And finally, I’d like to thank Travis’s mom for keeping me relaxed all season.  It’s good to be the king.

Now, let’s hand out a few awards:

Best Team Name:  Yes!  Yes!  Bacon! – why beat around the bush?
Worst Team Name: (tie.) General Gonad and Abby Normal.  We expect better from the Cole boys.

Most Underpaid:  ($1 - tie) Alshon Jeffery, Falafel; Knowshon Moreno, Commish
Sean Forman Memorial Most Overpaid:  Ray Rice, $51, Sean Forman

Best Waiver Wire Pickup:  Alshon Jeffery, Maine

Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Every New England running back, all the freaking time - Commish
Dennis Northcutt Memorial Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Nate Burleson, natch - Everyone

Best Luck: Thong

Worst Luck: Is there any doubt on this one?  Steve-O, in a unanimous decision.

Best Trade:  Um, I dunno….
Worst Trade: Everything that Steve did.

Waiver Wire Champ:  The winner and still champion – Steve!   This seemed like it was the Commish’s to lose, but Steve went out and picked up every Florida Gator he could for the Jean Shorts Bowl.  So he tanked the consolation bracket championship to win the Waiver Wire Championship!  Well done Steve!  Or something!
Waiver Wire Chump: Robby, who made 11 moves all season and still made the playoffs.  Makes ya wonder….

Best Hair and Makeup: Sean

Post of the Year:  Steve, for the first of many Florida Gator rants.

Poster of the Year:  Steve-O, and it wasn’t particularly close this year.

Mr Irrelevant: Bradley

Peace Out and Merry New Year!!!

I promise to be a kind and benevolent Champion.

- The Commish

Playoff Preview Steve-a-ganza!

“Playoffs?  Playoffs???  Don’t talk about playoffs!  I’m just hoping we can win a game!”  So says the most bitter and spiteful team owner in League history.  But it's all good, because, as a consolation prize, I get to preview this year's Playoff Matchups for the Chicken Bone Cup.  It's an All-ACC Playoff, with 3 Cavaliers (whatever the fuck that is) and 1 Frightened Turtle.  And we all know that has about as much appeal as taking a shower with Jerry Sandusky!  So, sit back and enjoy your "2013 Chicken Bone Playoff Preview: Go Fuck a Goat Edition."


Game 1
Trophy Thong vs. Yes! Yes! Bacon
Are you ready for some Bacon on Thong action???  Pigs in a Thong, anyone?  Defending Champion Thong enters this matchup riding a hot one-game win streak and sporting the league's best defense.  Only 1037 points were scored on Thong this season.  So, Thong has not been involved in a lot of scoring this year.  Sorry to hear that!

The Fightin’ Thongs go into battle with Matt Ryan at QB, a solid receiving corps starring some French Fuck and a guy who hasn't yet realized he still plays for the Browns.....speaking of which, I need to go take the Browns to the Super Bowl.....
.....ok, I'm back.  Much better now.  And he has a ridiculous stable of RBs with Lynch, Morris and Rainey.  Unstoppable?  Perhaps!

On the flip side, Maine comes into this matchup as a first-time participant in the Chicken Bone playoffs!  So, you know, good luck with that!  Maine is starting Matthew Stafford at QB, who is awesome as long as he isn't playing in a fucking Nor’easter.  Also, he has some scraps at WR and a guy named Toby running the ball.  Plus he has guys named Shorts and Woodhead.  I think what I am trying to say is Maine would have a better chance if he was starting Paris Hilton at WR.

This game is going to come down to one thing and one thing only:  weather and matchups! 


So, get out your strap on and enjoy the ride! 

Yahoo Pick: Travis’ Mom’s G-String 91, Pig Flesh 89

Steve's Pick:  Flip a coin?  Let’s see, I’ve never hooked up with one of Rich’s ex-girlfriends, so let’s go with him.

Fun Fact #1: Maine moonlights as Sammy Hagar’s lead guitarist.  I saw him play last month!

Fun Fact #2: According to studies, first-time playoff participants win 42.6% of their first round matchups.  Defending champions win 72.8% of their first round matches.  And I make up 94.9% of my studies!


Game 2, the Nightcap
General Gonad vs. Crazy Ass White Boy
Are you ready for some Gonad on White Boy action???  Former champion Jason enters this week hoping to place his gonads right smack on Robby’s forehead!  The Fighting Peytons bring their duo of Broncos to the table along with….umm, wait, who the fuck else is on this team?  Fuck it, who cares?  When you have Peyton and Demaryious, you don’t need anything else!  I’m sure that strategy won’t totally backfire sometime in the next two weeks!!

The better half of Strobby enters the week with a broken Aaron Rodgers along with…..wait, what?  Some dumbfuck owner traded him Drew Brees in exchange for a hot bag of used tampons?  Well, maybe those tampons are from Houston, the tampon capital of the world!  And maybe that owner thought those tampons would really plug up the gaping holes in his roster and stop the bleeding caused by a hysterical losing streak!  Who knows….I’m just speculating.  But I digest….

This matchup really has all of the drama and excitement we look for every year in the playoffs.  We’ve got two top QBs chucking their balls all over the place.  We’ve got family members fighting to the death during the Holidays.  We’ve got a great, traditional ACC football matchup between UVa and UMd alumni (so you know the quality of football will be borderline retarded).  

This matchup is going to come down to one thing and one thing only:  Kickers.  As of this writing, Robby has one, and Jason doesn’t.  My money is on the guy with a complete roster!

Disclaimer:  It’s a bold strategy, but if Jason does eventually decide to drop one of his worthless bench players for a kicker, then this matchup will come down to one thing and one thing only:  Peyton Manning’s arm and Robby’s receiving corps.  With Drew Brees and 3 legitimate stud WRS, Robby may just have too much firepower this year. 

So, get out your 10-pound Shetland Pony and enjoy the ride!

Yahoo Pick: Vanilla Ice 88, Shriveled Nads 86

Steve’s Pick: Did I seriously lose to these fuckers???  I’ll take Strobby by a cunt hair.

Fun Fact #1: Jason is dedicating this season to the memory of Nelson Mandela.  Or maybe he’s dedicating it to the memories of the band Nelson and Howie Mandel?  Not sure.  I know it’s someone who did some important shit a long time ago!

Fun Fact #2: Robby has Syphilis.


Consolation Bracket
And, in the League’s Special Olympics, we have 2 really bad matchups!  In the matchup between the Fighting Falafels and the Fighting Pretzels, we have the guys who traded stud quarterbacks for stud receivers.  Nice trade, assholes.  Steve’s Pick:  Pretzels go better with beer, take Mike Frank and the points!

And finally, in the battle of the Douchebags, Abby Normal takes on I Love Lamp.  Perfect names, since these teams were clearly managed this entire season by Peter Boyle’s corpse and Brick Tamland, respectively.  Remember when everyone was afraid to play my team in the playoffs?  Yeah, go fuck a goat!

Will we see a rematch of last year’s Chicken Bone Finals?  Will Hell freeze over and Robby win a championship, signifying the End of Times (and 6 more weeks of winter)?  Will Steve lose yet another week and go on an Aaron Hernand-esque murder spree?  Tune in to find out!

Regular Season Recap

Howdy Folks,

Without preamble, here are few news and notes and insane ramblings to recap the end of the regular season...

- Thong defends his Chicken Bone cup with a dominating regular season, finishing with the #1 seed going into the playoffs.  Looking at his points against, it seems most of the league was scared to play him most weeks and wilted under the pressure of Thong's mighty ass cheeks.  INTIMIDATION!!!

- My team makes the playoffs yet again, but it's still to be determined whether my annual soul-crushing loss comes this week or if it's in the championship game next week.  Stay tuned!

- Congrats to Robby for an outstanding regular season!  He is now truly royalty around here...

- And congrats to Maine for making his first Chicken Bone playoff appearance.  It turns out that getting his daughters to draft for him this year whilst not trying to bid on 17 kickers has paid off handsomely.  (Or at least baldly.)

- You gotta hand it to Mike Frank.  He's nothing if not consistent.  Take a look at his team's performance the last three years:

	Record	Place
2013	7-7	5
2012	7-7	5
2011	7-7	5

- As for the also-rans, the less said about Brother Cole's season, the better.  Steve has already said too damn much about his team already.  (Seriously, settle down Beavis.)  Falafel was more interested in new pussy than fantasy football this year.  And Brad's team was a disaster from the start.

- And finally, the illustrious title of Auction Bitch goes to Sean "Sausage King" Forman.  Have fun bringing us beer and typing in all the winning bids next year!  Bet your other 5 leagues don't have that!


Cheers,
The Commish

Playoff Picture

So the playoff picture is pretty cut and dried at this point.  Thong and I are ready to rumble again, and Robby (Robby!) has clinched a spot and is primed to make some serious noise. (I'm officially scared to play him.  I am, however, so hoping he has to pick between Brees and Rodgers to start and agonizes for days over who to pick and then picks the wrong one and loses and then regrets it for the rest of his life.)  The last playoff spot up for grabs is between Maine and MFrank.  Since we know Pretzel Boy will lose this week to finish at 7-7, if Maine wins, he's definitely in.  And even if he loses, he just can't completely suck.

The race for last place and the first ever Auction Bitch is still anybody's game.


Anyhow, here's a more official breakdown, courtesy of Brother Cole...

#1 seed:

If Rich wins then it's his. 

If he loses and Jason wins then Jason is #1 seed.

#2 seed:

If Rich wins and Jason wins, Jason is #2 (isn't he always #2?)

If Rich wins, Jason loses, and Robby wins then Robby is #2

If Rich loses, Jason wins, and Robby wins and Rich out scores Robby this week by 0.84 then Rich is #2

If Rich loses, Jason wins, and Robby wins and Rich does not out score Robby this week by 0.84 then Robby is #2

#3 seed:

If Rich wins and Jason wins then Robby is #3

If Rich wins, Jason loses, and Robby wins then Jason is #3

If Rich loses, Jason wins, and Robby wins and Rich out scores Robby this week by 0.84 then Robby is #2

If Rich loses, Jason wins, and Robby wins and Rich does not out score Robby this week by 0.84 then Rich is #3

#4 seed:

If Maine wins and MikeF loses then Maine is #4

If MikeF wins and Maine loses then MikeF is #4

If both Maine and MikeF win or lose then MikeF has to outscore Maine by 50.6 to be #4

Cheers,
The Commish

Week 11 Check-In

Hey Folks,

Long time, no write.  I'd love to have an excuse, but mostly I've been a lazy sack o crap.  So let's make up for lost time and check in on the state of the league

For such a wacky NFL season, things are mostly cut and dry here in the CBL.  Last year's championship participants - Commish and Thong - are locks for the playoffs again.  Three teams - Maine, Robby, and MFrank are - fighting it out for the other two playoff spots.  And everyone else is D-U-N, trying not to win the title of last place Auction Bitch (Mazzle is the odds on favorite there, but Falafel is making a run). 

So umm....how bout some Top-11 lists, in honor of week 11?

Top Eleven Teams

1. Commish
2. MFrank
3. Thong
4. Robby
5. Maine
6. Steve-O
7. Sean
8. Brother Cole
9. Falafe1
10. Fat Bobby
11. Mazzle

Top Eleven Things For Which Steve Would Trade Drew Brees

1. Andre Johnson
2. Ben Roethlisberger
3. Knowshon Moreno
4. Barry Sanders (current old version)
5. OJ Simpson (current fat version)
6. Fat Elvis (current dead and bloated version)
7. Fat Bobby (current dead and bloated version)
8. A Bag of Magic Beans
9. A ham sandwich
10. Nate Burleson 
11. Dennis Northcutt

Top Eleven Things Mazzle Has Paid Attention To This Year Other Than Fantasy Football

1. His family
2. His job
3. His house
4. His car
5. His porn
6. Travis's mom
7. Travis's mom's porn
8. Paint drying
9. Tim Tebow
10. His vintage Jerky Boys cassette tape collection
11. The Atlanta Falcons

Top Eleven Most Worthless Players That You Think Picking Up Off The Waiver Wire Is A Good Idea Only To Drop Them A Week Later After Sobering Up And Thinking Better Of It

1. Bilal Powell
2. Donald Brown
3. Donnie Avery
4. Mike Tolbert
5. Greg Jennings
6. Nate Washington
7. The Packers Defense
8. Jeremy Kerley
9. Roy Helu Jr.
10. Nate Burleson 
11. Dennis Northcutt

Top Eleven Proposed Rule Changes For Next Season

1. 1 point every 10 yards
2. Keeper league
3. No fractional points
4. No negative points
5. Only irrational points
6. Only points that are multiples of Pi
7. Take-backsies on trades (Falafel proposed)
8. Russian Roulette Waiver Wire
9. Start 2 QBs
10. Start 4 Kickers
11. No fatties

Top Eleven Players On My Team

1. Peyton Manning
2. Peyton Manning
3. Peyton Manning
4. Peyton Manning
5. Peyton Manning
6. Peyton Manning
7. Peyton Manning
8. Peyton Manning
9. Peyton Manning
10. Demaryius Thomas
11. Peyton Manning

Top Eleven Excuses BrotherCole Has Made For His Poor Season

1. Injuries
2. Hosting the draft
3. Typing in the drafted players distracted him
4. Bad luck with points against
5. Bad luck with not drafting a quarterback
6. Bad foot
7. Bad voodoo 
8. Bad team name
9. Bad blocking from his offensive line
10. Dog ate his cheat sheet
11. Being terrible at fantasy football

Cheers!
- The Commish

Week 8 Recap - Record Book

Greetings Ghouls and Goblins,

Well, things seem to be shaking out pretty quickly around here, with the current top 5 in the league all winning and the bottom 5 all losing.   Thong's team is lucky, my team (aka Denver) is on bye this week, Robby's team is still really good, Maine's team is hanging around, MFrank's team will finish 7-7, Steve's team is jinxed but can still make a run, Falafel's team is worthless, Sean's team is worthless and unlucky, Brother Cole's team is worthless and unlucky and hurt, and Brad's team is simply pathetic.

So instead of recapping, let's take a peek at some records with a chance to fall this season:

Thong is making history in more ways than one:

- Longest winning streak, current AND all-time: Trophy Thong - 7


- Strength of Schedule - Easiest

• Weekly Average     Trophy Thong     64.49
• Weekly Average, All Time     Chief of Staff, Season 2008     69.89

And on the flip side, Sean is making a run at unluckiest bastard...

- Strength of Schedule - Hardest

• Weekly Average     Ray Rice Sucks     96.43    
• Weekly Average, All Time     Despicable Falafel, Season 2010     98.63

Bradley is making an inglorious run as well.  You can do it Brad!  Just suck a little harder!

- Total Points - Least 

• Season (Average)     King Nothing     572.7 (71.58)    
• Season (Average)     League of Morons, Season 2008     66.91 (70.49)

In the obscure record category, Falafel is dominating from the kicker position, which tells me his worthless team is actually even more worthless than we thought.  Also, he's on pace to break his own worthless record.

- Kicking Points - Most   

• Season (Average)     Falafelysium     91 (11.37)    
• Season (Average), All Time     Falafel 1st Seed, Season 2011     169 (10.56)

Falafel is, however, getting a shit-ton of receiving yards:

- Receiving Yards - Most

• Season (Average)     Falafelysium     3188 (398.5)     
• Season (Average), All Time     Falafel 1st Seed, Season 2011     6097 (381.06)

Unsurprisingly, Peyton Manning...er...I mean my team...is on pace to shatter some offensive records.


- Touchdowns - Most

• Season (Average)     General Gonad     58 (7.25)    
• Season (Average), All Time     Sergeant Shaft, Season 2010     105 (6.56)    

- Passing Yards - Most

•  Season (Average)     General Gonad     2919 (364.87)    
•  Season (Average), All Time     Captain Amerithong, Season 2011     5351 (334.43)

And finally, Sean can't do much, but he can kick field goals dammit.  

- Field Goals - Most

• Season (Average)     Ray Rice Sucks     20 (2.5)    
• Season (Average), All Time     Falafel 1st Seed, Season 2011     40 (2.5)

Happy Halloween, you teeny weenies!
- The Commish

Week 7 Recap

Hey Party People!

I'd like to begin this recap by noting that this year every single person in the league has a favorite NFL team that is either sucking ass, underachieving, or both.  And that means that everyone's hopes and dreams and happiness and sense of self-worth are now tied up solely in the fortunes of their fantasy teams.  So that being said, now that we're half-way through the season, let's take stock of the league using one of my favorite gimmicks - The Power Poll!  (Note: also the nickname of Steve's vibrator.)

BOTTOM FEEDERS DIVISION
10.  Bradley "King Nothing" Malemezian
Brad is epitomizing his King Nothing moniker this season, by literally doing nothing. He's made 7 moves so far.  He's the Jacksonville Jaguars of the league, not even cracking 500 total points yet.   Amendola and Murray have been hurt, which nobody except everybody saw coming.  But the good news is that he has 6 players on bye this week, so at least he has something to look forward to. 

Best Value Pick:  Le'v'e'o'n Bell ($5)
Worst Value Pick: CJ "BJ" Spiller ($59)



9. Brabby Normother Colemal
The Numbers don't lie.  The once mighty champion is clearly in a rebuilding year, and is currently tanking in hopes of a better draft pick in 2014.  How else to explain starting Cutler over Wilson last week?  Anyhow, at this point Brother Cole just spends Sundays staring longingly at his barren mantel, contemplating trades he should have made 4 years ago. 

Best Value Pick:  Jordan "Michael" Cameron ($1)
Worst Value Pick: MJD AKA "Junkyard Dog" ($35)


***IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT***
It has been decided by the competition committee that there is a new booby prize for finishing in LAST place.  If you finish in 10th place, then you are hereby designated as "Auction Bitch" at next year's draft.  And while that only entails having to type the winning bids into the computer during the draft for a couple hours, the humiliation will last a lifetime.



GENERAL FOOLISHNESS DIVISION
8. Mike "Mr. F" Frank Singing Cat
While Mike is still liable to finish 7-7, his talented team has issues with underachieving so far.  He can't decide which QB to play.  He has two guys - Bush and Sproles - who might actually be the same person.  And Trent Richardson looks slower than something really really slow.  I dunno...like a sloth or a snail maybe?  Anyhow, his guys better step it up soon.  Otherwise he's in danger of not making the playoffs for the every time ever. 

Best Value Pick: Antonio "UPS" Brown ($10)
Worst Value Pick:Trent "The Cleveland Steamer" Richardson ($49)



7.  Sean 4-Man
While Ray Rice does indeed still suck, there's a slim chance that Sean's team doesn't anymore.  He's put up some decent totals in the past month with a couple of wins to show for it.  And while nobody is picking him to win the championship or even make the playoffs, perhaps a strong finish will land him in that coveted Rogaine commercial. .. Bonus props to him for starting and winning with Payton "Jello Legs" Hillis last night.  He is SMRT and BLAD.

Best Value Pick: Tony "Romas" Romo ($6)
Worst Value Pick: All together now... Ray Rice! ($51)



WHO KNOWS DIVISION
6.  Falafel Falafel Falafel
Now we get into the fuzzy part of the rankings, where everyone has a chance to make a run.  In Travis's case, it's not looking good though.  He's stuck with a suddenly 53-year-old Tom Brady and is super thin at running back beyond Jamaal "976 carries" Charles and Charles "3 random good games a year" Johnson.  If Jimmy Graham's injury lingers, Falafel could be toast.

Best Value Pick:  Anquan "Bold" Boldin ($3)
Worst Value Pick: Tom "So Sad" Brady ($30)


5.  Yes Yes Bacon!  No No Heartattack!
Well this is a mish-mash of a team.  I have no idea what's going on with this squad and I bet Maine doesn't either.  TY Hilton could blow up now or get lost in double coverage with Wayne out.  Doug Martin could be out 1 week or 10, which could either hurt or help Maine's team.  Jaret Boykin could be awesome or a one-week wonder.  Cecil Shorts will continue to be Cecil Shorts though.  So in conclusion, 5 seems about right here.

Best Value Pick:  Alshon Jeffrey ($1 from Travis)
Worst Value Pick: Doug Martin Lawrence ($1 million)




THE CONTENDERS
4.  Overrated Thong
Despite a gaudy 6-1 record and no obvious signs of a post-Championship hangover, when you look closer, Thong's team ain't all that.  He's got Ryan at QB who has nobody to throw to anymore.  He's had - by far - the least amount of points scored against him.  And he never learned to read.  So he'll make the playoffs, but lose in the first round this time.

Best Value Pick: Josh "Flash" Gordon ($3)
Worst Value Pick: Jason "Witty" Witten ($13)



3.  Commish.
Peyton Manning can mask a lot of ills on a team.  Like a bad Denver offensive line.  And two badly hurt stud WRs.  And bad drafting at RB.  And a bad RB trade.  And an injured and overrated defense.  But still...Peyton Manning.

Best Value Pick:  Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning. ($35)
Worst Value Pick: David "Brokeneck Mountain" Wilson ($14)



2.  Robby?
That's right - Robby.  Rodgers.  Fitzgerald.  McFadden.  Gore.  Decker.  DJax.  A Not-Dead Finley.  Chutzpah.  Chut Spa.  This team has it all?

Best Value Pick:Eric Decker ($6)
Worst Value Pick:Zac Studfeld ($2)


1.  Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve!
We all better hope the Steve Squad misses out on the playoffs after a slow start to his season.  Because he's got a damn good chance to win it all.  With the return of Gronk, the emergence of Zac Stacy, the trade for Knowshon Moreno, the maturation of Keenan Allen, the Percy Harvin waiting the bench, and the trip to Costco for Imodium in bulk, Steve's team is now a frickin force to be reckoned with.

Best Value Pick:  ($3)
Worst Value Pick:  ($13)


Cheers,
The Commish

Week 5 Recap

You know those women in abusive relationships?  You know the ones.  They get beat up by their husbands, tell their friends they ran into a doorknob repeatedly, get beat up again, finally leave, go back to them, get beat up some more, go stay with their sister Jolene for a while, then move back in with the jerk anyhow, hoping that somehow this time would be different.  I understand these women.  It makes sense to me.  I get it.  I GET it.

This is a recapish list from someone who has been driven completely mad by sports.

- Maine's team is not to be trifled with.
- Robby has the best team. 
- I have the 4 1/2 best team.
- From Rotoworld: "Ryan Tannehill is on pace to be sacked 77 times this season, which would set an NFL record. David Carr was sacked 76 times while playing for the expansion Texans in 2002. Tannehill's offensive line is perhaps worse, highlighted by an inept tackle duo of Jonathan Martin and Tyson Clabo. When GM Jeff Ireland started lighting money on fire during free agency, he forgot to address the offensive line. It's stunting his franchise quarterback's growth"
- Mike Frank will finish 7 and 7.
- Brother Cole has the worst team.
- There are now new planned bowl games for Boca Raton, Montgomery, Albuquerque, The Bahamas, and Detroit.
- Only one of those bowl game cities is made up.  Guess which.
- Should we be worried about Steve making a run?  Nah, probably not.
- Repeating an above item, Brother Cole has the worst team.


In conclusion, this is the only sporting event I'm ever watching anymore:

- 

Insanely yours,
- The Commish

Week 4 Recap

Dear Sirs and Madam (Steve),

No sense in talking about the league much.  It's pretty cut and dry.  Sean is D-U-N.  BrotherCole and Steve are in pretty big holes, and not each others.  And everyone else is jockeying for position with plenty of season left.

A lot of high losing scores this week though, so let's get recappin....


General Gonad 109.34   Falafelysium 106.47
Your beloved Commish ekes out a win over the hated Falafel.  This one came down to Lamar Miller being light years better than Daniel Thomas on Monday Night Football.  And the vaunted Miami Defense holding Jimmy Graham to a mere 100 Yds and 2 TDs.  Way to not give up that 3rd TD!!

And now for some random musings about the Dolphins:
- Jonathan Martin is absolutely terrible and couldn't block a midget trying to rape his own mother.
- Their coaching staff, with the exception of not having a QB sneak on 3rd and inches in the playbook, is generally doing a pretty great job. Really.
- Nolan Carroll is terrible and couldn't cover scissors with two rocks.
- The Defense needs to get healthy, but even at full strength, they wouldn't have been able to cover both Sproles and Graham last night.  Not sure how anyone does.
- Brent Grimes is both a pretty darn good defensive back and a tiny tiny man.
- Mike Wallace needs to DO SOMETHING.
- And finally, giving Jeff Ireland a contract extension is a travesty.  He's still the worst person in the history of the world.
  

King Nothing 111.20  Tony Montana 101.06
In the Gator-bait match-up of the week, Steve is another hard-luck loser (and a soft-cock wiener!).  This one came down to Victor Cruz being light years better than Hakeem Nicks.  And Le'vo'nn' Bell coming back from injury to score 2 TD for Brad's squad.  Alas, Brad wasn't watching football, but rather at his local cinema watching the new Metallica 3-D movie 4 times in a row on Sunday until he started bleeding from his ears and eyeballs.

In unrelated news, I've decided to nickname these two lovely owners "Stradley."   That is all. 


Folk Singin' Cat 128.52   Ray Rice Sucks 111.62  
You know those must-win games in the NFL, where a once-proud team is winless and they throw everything but the kitchen sink at their opponent and give it everything they got, but come up short and recanyways?  Am I talking about Sean's beloved Steelers?  Or his fantasy team?  Trick question - it's his hairline.

Meanwhile, Mr. F is in first place.  Yeah, that'll last....


Trophy Thong 78.41  CrazyArseWhiteBoy 64.32 
Now we get into the low scoring match-ups.  Aaron Rodgers on bye will do that.  I'd still rather have Robby's team than Thong's.  Hang in there pal.  It gets better.

Meanwhile, Thong is 3-1 and cruising toward back-to-back Chicken Bone Cups.  The only thing that can stop him is his mediocre team.


Yes! Yes! Bacon! 87.11  Abby Normal 70.67
A Haiku, to commemorate Maine's 17 point win:

Antonio Gates!
Adrian Peterson rules!
Wither Brother Cole? 



Peace Out Homies,
The Commish

Week 3 Recap

So, after 3 weeks, here's what we're looking at - a whole lot of parity (with the exception of Sean's turd of a team).  Nobody is good enough to run away with this thing.  Not even cocky Falafel-boy.


General Gonad 83.23      King Nothing 48.73

Dear Bradley,

So how did that feel, you turncoat motherfucker??? Sitting there in front of the TV on your birthday, rooting for the  Falcons over the Dolphins, doing the Dirty Bird in your underwear every time the Falcons scored...  Then the Dolphins come back and beat your beloved Falcons.  Then your fantasy team starts getting crushed.  Then you start crying into your birthday cake. 

So Happy Fucking Birthday!!  You deserve everything you got.

Sincerely,
The 3-0 Miami Dolphins

Tony Montana 98.71      CrazyA**WhiteBoy 53.94
So Steve shakes off the shackles of 0-2 with a dominating victory over his pants-mate Robby.  Steve's team could have scored even more points if his running back could play rock-paper-scissors worth a damn.  Really Knowshon?  Scissors?  Scissors?!?

http://www.denverbroncos.com/news-and-blogs/article-1/Rock-Paper-Scissors-Touchdown/060a7281-352f-4eb6-82b2-83a1ce3911c1

Meanwhile, even though he lost miserably, I'd still rather have Robby's team than Steve's.  He'll be back folks.
  

Falafelysium 104.24     Abby Normal 94.12
Falafel gets the win to move into first place in all the land, thanks to his white Bronco being better than BroCole's white Bronco - and OJ's for that matter.  There's nothing that can stop him now, other than his own stupidity and hubris.

For Brother Cole, it's another week and another mediocre QB (and old broke-ass running backs).  It's only been three weeks, but this is starting to look grim already.  Maybe you can still spend that 12 bucks you saved at the auction for a "rainy day."


Folk Singin' Cat 99.06    Yes! Yes! Bacon! 79.24 
A Cam Newton sighting!!!  It was a bittersweet victory for Mr. F., as he watched his beloved Giants get crushed at the hands of his franchise QB.  Thanks to Cam the Man and Antonio "Tony" Brown, Mike cruises to the win over Maine's Adrian Peterson and the Petersonettes.  Even Jermaine's daughters couldn't believe he lost to Mr. F.



Trophy Thong 63.09   Ray Rice Sucks 55.39 
This match-up was even more boring than the final score indicates.  Sean would have won if he started Tony Romo instead of broke RG 0-3.  And Thong won in spite of having Josh Gordon and Joique Bell on his bench.  So in short....woo.  And stuff.

Regards,
The Commish

Week 1 Recap

Wow!  That was quite the eventful first week of the season!  There were higher scores than Thong’s golf game!  There were more turnovers than Ass Bandits 6! There were more safeties than Men Without Hats!  There were more exclamation points than a teenage girl’s blog!!!!

In short, wow.

Let’s recap the ridiculousness….

General Gonad              120.05

Tony Montana               92.08

This matchup was over by Friday morning, but that doesn't mean it wasn't interesting.   My team managed to have not one, but TWO running backs get benched for fumbling in Week 1,  plus another one who gained a total of 3 rushing yards.  I would have been better starting a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in place of all THREE running backs.  And I hate peanut butter!  Not to mention that Roddy White (AKA "Mr. Secret High Ankle Sprain") doesn't give a SHIT about me:

No I can't give out an injury report before the game. I play real football and it would be stupid to tip the other team off and say I'm hurt — Roddy White (@roddywhiteTV) September 9, 2013

Meanwhile, Steve is the leader in the clubhouse already for post of the year with a clinically insane rant.  I'm starting to worry about him.   And all this despite his team actually putting up a decent number this week.

CrazyA**WhiteBoy    131.65

Abby Normal                 91.89

So, my first question is whether Yahoo censored "Ass" to "A**" in Robby's team name, or if he was just worried he was offending our delicate sensibilities?  My second question is if Robby's team can keep this up all year, because DAMN that was a high score amongst high scores.  My third question is if Brother Cole is going to start a different mediocre QB all season?  And my fourth question is to Brother Cole, asking how Robby's ass tastes?

   
            

King Nothing                 117.64

Folk Singin' Cat             86.55

So, Mazzle puts up 117, thanks to a high variance of performances from his stars (Owen Daniels) and scrubs (CJ Spiller) team.  What happens to him next week when it all crashes down and he breaks his crown and he points his finger, but there's no one around.  He just wants one thing - just to play the king.  But the castle's crumbled, and he's left with just a name.  Where's your crown, King Mazzle?  Where's your fucking crown!?!

Mr. F showed up too, with Luck and a Bush, but not much else.  (Sometimes, that's all you really need though.  But not this week.)  He'll win next week to stay at .500.

               

Falafelysium                  114.97

I Started C. Ivory?        66.91

In the biggest blowout of Week 1, Sean might have proved the maxim that "Six fantasy teams are too much for any bald man."  Truer words have never been said.  ... On the flip side, Falafel enjoyed a well-rounded team effort, put up a fairly high score, and ate a moderately sized sandwich for lunch today. 

               

Yes! Yes! Bacon!          99.74

Trophy Thong              93.49

In the closest matchup of Week 1, Thong began his first title defense with a loss to Maine's Adrian Peterson and the Petersonettes.   Thong's Redskins let him down in more ways than one on Monday night, no doubt due to the bad karma surrounding their obscenely racist nickname.  Rich - you might want to put those plans on hold to change your fantasy team name to the "Thongskins."

The Recap Will Return in "Recap Week 2: Electric Boogaloo"

- The Commish