Because he just won the Chicken Bone Cup dammit!!!
Congrats to The Sausage King of Fairfax on his first championship, and thanks again to everyone for a festive season.
Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease,
- The Commish
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
100th Post - Thank You, Good Night
Why is this man smiling, even though he just lost 5 whole dollars and can no longer afford his toupee payments?
Because he just won the Chicken Bone Cup dammit!!!
Congrats to The Sausage King of Fairfax on his first championship, and thanks again to everyone for a festive season.
Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease,
- The Commish
Because he just won the Chicken Bone Cup dammit!!!
Congrats to The Sausage King of Fairfax on his first championship, and thanks again to everyone for a festive season.
Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease,
- The Commish
Monday, December 22, 2014
Year-End Awards
Well folks, we've come to the end of another wacky fantasy football season. And this one, I gotta say, seemed even wackier than usual. Between the league scoring changes, the random assortment of player injuries/suspensions/scandals, the frequent last minute heroics, and the unlikely championship matchup, I rarely had any idea what the fuck was going on.
So as the season wraps up tonight and we crown a brand new champion (no spoilers!), let's hand out our annual awards...
Best Draft Picks: Mike Evans (Falafel, $1), Demarco Murray (Sean, $35)
Worst Draft Pick: Adrian Peterson (Maine, $54), Monte Balls (Steve, $43)
Best Team Name: Thongtastic
Worst Team Name (4-way tie): Colonel Choad, Haunted Fudge, How High 2 - Pgh RBs, Shit-Stained Falafel. This was an awful year for team names! They were all terrible! Terrible! Be better next season, people.
Most Bitter Owner (tie): Bradley and Maine and Steve (lots of bitterness this year!)
Least Bitter Owner: Robby, because he forgot that he's in this league
Best Waiver Wire Pickup: Odell Beckham, Jr. (Mike Cole, too little too late)
Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Donte Moncrief (Commish)
Best Trade: Commish, by default
Worst Trade: Commish, by default
Waiver Wire Champ: Steve for the 42nd consecutive year
Waiver Wire Chump: Thong
Poster of the year: Gonna have to give the nod to Falafel this year, with his constant douchy rabble-rousing.
Reclaiming His Rightful Place In The League As Jean Shorts Champion: Thong-tha-thong-thong-thong!
Mr Irrelevant: Mike Cole
Peace Out,
- The Commish
So as the season wraps up tonight and we crown a brand new champion (no spoilers!), let's hand out our annual awards...
Best Draft Picks: Mike Evans (Falafel, $1), Demarco Murray (Sean, $35)
Worst Draft Pick: Adrian Peterson (Maine, $54), Monte Balls (Steve, $43)
Best Team Name: Thongtastic
Worst Team Name (4-way tie): Colonel Choad, Haunted Fudge, How High 2 - Pgh RBs, Shit-Stained Falafel. This was an awful year for team names! They were all terrible! Terrible! Be better next season, people.
Most Bitter Owner (tie): Bradley and Maine and Steve (lots of bitterness this year!)
Least Bitter Owner: Robby, because he forgot that he's in this league
Best Waiver Wire Pickup: Odell Beckham, Jr. (Mike Cole, too little too late)
Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Donte Moncrief (Commish)
Best Trade: Commish, by default
Worst Trade: Commish, by default
Waiver Wire Champ: Steve for the 42nd consecutive year
Waiver Wire Chump: Thong
Poster of the year: Gonna have to give the nod to Falafel this year, with his constant douchy rabble-rousing.
Reclaiming His Rightful Place In The League As Jean Shorts Champion: Thong-tha-thong-thong-thong!
Mr Irrelevant: Mike Cole
Peace Out,
- The Commish
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Peanuts
Just because I don't feel like working today, here's the whole
league and their corresponding Peanuts character (descriptions from
Wikipedia).
Steve = Charlie Brown. The main character, an everyman with ever-changing mood and grace; both
befriended by all and ostracized by everyone; a loser-yet-leader who rises out of every downfall with shining hope and determination.
Robby = Peppermint Patty. A freckle-faced tomboy who loves Charlie Brown; leader of a baseball team and is one of Charlie Brown's rival managers.
Linus = Me. Charlie Brown's blanket-toting best friend; the most insecure but the smartest out of all the characters, with the most intellectualism; a philosopher and theologian.
Travis = Lucy. A crabby, malicious and moronic girl who likes to torment others often, especially Charlie Brown and Linus
Franklin = Maine. The African-American child; has smarts comparable to Linus; manages
a baseball team that has rivaled Charlie Brown's.
Mike Frank = Marcie. The bespectacled character; calls Peppermint Patty "Sir"; secretly likes Charlie Brown
Mike Cole = Rerun. Younger brother of Linus; often took his siblings' places and roles.
Rich = Violet. Lucy's best friend; a mean and snobby girl; served as an early love interest of Charlie Brown
Brad = Schroeder. A piano-playing character; Lucy's love interest; Charlie Brown's second best friend after Linus.
Sean = Pig-Pen. The character who attracts dust, making him very filthy.
Steve = Charlie Brown. The main character, an everyman with ever-changing mood and grace; both
befriended by all and ostracized by everyone; a loser-yet-leader who rises out of every downfall with shining hope and determination.
Robby = Peppermint Patty. A freckle-faced tomboy who loves Charlie Brown; leader of a baseball team and is one of Charlie Brown's rival managers.
Linus = Me. Charlie Brown's blanket-toting best friend; the most insecure but the smartest out of all the characters, with the most intellectualism; a philosopher and theologian.
Travis = Lucy. A crabby, malicious and moronic girl who likes to torment others often, especially Charlie Brown and Linus
Franklin = Maine. The African-American child; has smarts comparable to Linus; manages
a baseball team that has rivaled Charlie Brown's.
Mike Frank = Marcie. The bespectacled character; calls Peppermint Patty "Sir"; secretly likes Charlie Brown
Mike Cole = Rerun. Younger brother of Linus; often took his siblings' places and roles.
Rich = Violet. Lucy's best friend; a mean and snobby girl; served as an early love interest of Charlie Brown
Brad = Schroeder. A piano-playing character; Lucy's love interest; Charlie Brown's second best friend after Linus.
Sean = Pig-Pen. The character who attracts dust, making him very filthy.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Playoff Semis Recap
12 min
Jason (Colonel Choad)11 hours ago
Sean (How High 2 - Pgh RBs)10 hours ago
Sean (How High 2 - Pgh RBs)10 hours ago
Jason (Colonel Choad)10 hours ago
Jason (Colonel Choad)10 hours ago
Al Cohol (O Captain My Captain)10 hours ago
Al Cohol (O Captain My Captain)10 hours ago
Mike (Gutterballs)10 hours ago
Jason (Colonel Choad)10 hours ago
Al Cohol (O Captain My Captain)10 hours ago
Al Cohol (O Captain My Captain)10 hours ago
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Week 14 Recap
Howdy folks,
So, let me get this straight.... I'm in the playoffs again, but the other three people in with me are Mike Frank, Sean, and Steve? That can't be right. If you had that four-team parlay in August, you should have spent the season in Vegas. It's really ridiculous! Some more thoughts...
So, let me get this straight.... I'm in the playoffs again, but the other three people in with me are Mike Frank, Sean, and Steve? That can't be right. If you had that four-team parlay in August, you should have spent the season in Vegas. It's really ridiculous! Some more thoughts...
- Either I'll win back-to-back championships or there will be a first time winner. I really couldn't ask for anything better. (Well, except for not having an ass-broken team....)
- There's a 75% chance the winner this year will hail from Fairfax, VA. And when you factor in that Steve is the other participant, that figure goes up to 99%.
- It was mostly meaningless, but Sean had monster games from Julio Jones and Aaron Rodgers last night to come all the way back against Thong. As a result, Sean ended up with a 1st place, 10-win season; and Thong officially reclaimed the 7-7 title belt from Mike Frank.
- Speaking of which, all four playoff teams finished with a winning record, with no 7-7 team slipping in.
- Shit-Stained Falafel finished in about the most horrible fashion imaginable. On top of the world going into Thanksgiving and getting Josh Gordon back, he then:
- Watched Josh Gordon be useless
- Suffered two consecutive losses
- Lost in the deciding game to Steve (who won thanks to good games from Lions Matthew Stafford and Golden Tate!)
- Finished 7-7, in 7th place.
- Drank heavily
- In the deciding game of their season, BOTH Steve and Falafel started Defenses that scored -4 points. That's negative 4! Neither one of them deserved to make the playoffs after that piece of managing...
- Nothing left to say about Auction Bitch Mike Cole, Bitter Bradley, Oblivious Robby, or Moved-On Maine.
- Stay tuned this week for a playoff preview on the off-chance that someone else decides to write one. I'll be too busy scouring the waiver wire for warm bodies.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Week 13 Recap/Playoff Scenarios
Hey Gang,
As we head into the last week of the regular season, the playoff scenarios have shaken out pretty cleanly. But before I get to that, a few recap-ish notes...
So here are the (not fact checked, and most likely incorrect) Playoff Scenarios. These assume no unlikely shenanigans with point totals.
#1 Seed:
Sean with a win OR a loss and a Commish loss.
Commish with a win and a Sean loss.
#2 Seed:
Sean with a loss and a Commish win.
Commish with a win and a Sean win OR a loss and a MFrank loss.
MFrank with a win and a Commish loss.
#3 Seed:
Commish with a loss and a MFrank win.
MFrank otherwise.
#4 Seed:
This is remarkably cut and dried. The playoffs essentially start this week! Falafel vs. Steve-O. Both are 7-6. Winner goes 8-6 and gets into the playoffs as the 4-seed. Loser goes home as a big fat losing loser.
*Note: Thong is technically still alive too. If he wins and out-totals the winner of Falafel/Steve, he can still sneak into the 4-seed ahead of that person. Stranger things have happened.
Good luck to everyone not named Travis!
- The Commish
As we head into the last week of the regular season, the playoff scenarios have shaken out pretty cleanly. But before I get to that, a few recap-ish notes...
- The words "Close and Ugly" could be applied to a lot of things on Monday night. The Dolphins victory over the Jets. My victory over my brother. My testicles. .. I'll take 'em all!
- Mike Cole runs away with last place in convincing fashion. His "Auction Bitch" T-shirt is on order.
- The Falafel Shit-Stain Train to the Chicken Bone Cup took a slight detour in Robbytown. No doubt, he'll get back on track this week. With his awesome team, he can't lose!
- Robby's victory and Maine's loss mean that either one of them can end up in the Jean Shorts consolation bracket. I think Maine would happily finish in 9th place, if only not to have to look at his stupid team ever again.
- Thanks to Hopkins and his Kicker-Defense Combo, Thong gets a much needed victory to keep his verrry slim playoff hopes alive. But it's faaaaar more likely that he regains the 7-7 championship belt from Mike Frank.
- Meanwhile, Steve can thank Antonio "Garbage Time" Brown for his win this week. Is his team now back in it, or is this just a hope cock tease?
- Bradley goes out with a whimper.
So here are the (not fact checked, and most likely incorrect) Playoff Scenarios. These assume no unlikely shenanigans with point totals.
#1 Seed:
Sean with a win OR a loss and a Commish loss.
Commish with a win and a Sean loss.
#2 Seed:
Sean with a loss and a Commish win.
Commish with a win and a Sean win OR a loss and a MFrank loss.
MFrank with a win and a Commish loss.
#3 Seed:
Commish with a loss and a MFrank win.
MFrank otherwise.
#4 Seed:
This is remarkably cut and dried. The playoffs essentially start this week! Falafel vs. Steve-O. Both are 7-6. Winner goes 8-6 and gets into the playoffs as the 4-seed. Loser goes home as a big fat losing loser.
*Note: Thong is technically still alive too. If he wins and out-totals the winner of Falafel/Steve, he can still sneak into the 4-seed ahead of that person. Stranger things have happened.
Good luck to everyone not named Travis!
- The Commish
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Week 12 Recap
Gobble Gobble folks! It's the time of the year to give thanks and there's something for everyone in the league to be grateful for. Fantasy football is the gift that keeps on giving - it's more important than work, more important than friends, more important than wives and girlfriends, more important than children, and definitely more important than world peace. So let's take a backwards run through the standings and give thanks...
Mike Cole is thankful that his team put up a whopping 177 points this week for no reason whatsoever. Where on earth did that come from? He beat Sean's first place squad by 50 freakin points. This is what he envisioned on draft day, and for one week, it all came together. Too bad that next draft day all he'll be envisioning is a computer screen and a keyboard as our Auction Bitch.
Robby is thankful for Peyton Manning. Because even at 4-8 and even with the Broncos shitting all over the Dolphins Defense, he can appreciate owning Peyton. If you've never had the experience, I highly recommend it. It is so goddamn fun.
Maine is thankful for the end of false hope. After this week's loss to the Falafel Menace, his playoff hopes are finally 100% extinguished. He has been put out of his misery. (Tangent: What is the opposite of false hope? You know, when you've honestly and completely given up on winning in a week because you only have 1 player left and you're down way way too much to come back and you don't even pay attention to the Monday Night Game and find out the next morning your guy went ape shit and you somehow won? So what do you call that? Anti-Despair? Reality Reversal? False Hopelessness? We need a name for this...)
Thong is thankful for AJ Green's health and to still be alive in the playoff chase, despite losing two in a row. His roller coaster of a season continues. He is also thankful for that funny feeling in his pants.
Bradley is thankful for...um...um...Caleb Sturgis?
Steve is thankful for Odell Beckham. Sure, Beckham isn't on his fantasy team. And sure, the Giants ultimately lost the game. But for one shining moment, all was right with the world. That catch was a thing of majesty - as beautiful as an Everest sunrise or a baby fawn being born.
Falafel is thankful for the return of Josh Gordon and his team peaking at the right time. I think everyone, including me, is scared to face him in the playoffs. His team is just that good.
I am thankful for my running backs and not having to travel for Thanksgiving. Also porn.
Mike Frank is thankful for clinching a winning record this week. Even if he hasn't officially secured a playoff spot yet, he's guaranteed to finish above .500 for the first time in recorded history (not fact checked). To celebrate, he's going to eat 501 pounds of turkey and drink 501 liters of gravy.
Sean is thankful to be in first place with a stacked team. Other than Falafel's squad, this is clearly the team to beat. (Though he's still holding onto Vernon Davis for some unknown reason.) Sean is also thankful for the few remaining hairs on his head.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
- The Commish
Mike Cole is thankful that his team put up a whopping 177 points this week for no reason whatsoever. Where on earth did that come from? He beat Sean's first place squad by 50 freakin points. This is what he envisioned on draft day, and for one week, it all came together. Too bad that next draft day all he'll be envisioning is a computer screen and a keyboard as our Auction Bitch.
Robby is thankful for Peyton Manning. Because even at 4-8 and even with the Broncos shitting all over the Dolphins Defense, he can appreciate owning Peyton. If you've never had the experience, I highly recommend it. It is so goddamn fun.
Maine is thankful for the end of false hope. After this week's loss to the Falafel Menace, his playoff hopes are finally 100% extinguished. He has been put out of his misery. (Tangent: What is the opposite of false hope? You know, when you've honestly and completely given up on winning in a week because you only have 1 player left and you're down way way too much to come back and you don't even pay attention to the Monday Night Game and find out the next morning your guy went ape shit and you somehow won? So what do you call that? Anti-Despair? Reality Reversal? False Hopelessness? We need a name for this...)
Thong is thankful for AJ Green's health and to still be alive in the playoff chase, despite losing two in a row. His roller coaster of a season continues. He is also thankful for that funny feeling in his pants.
Bradley is thankful for...um...um...Caleb Sturgis?
Steve is thankful for Odell Beckham. Sure, Beckham isn't on his fantasy team. And sure, the Giants ultimately lost the game. But for one shining moment, all was right with the world. That catch was a thing of majesty - as beautiful as an Everest sunrise or a baby fawn being born.
Falafel is thankful for the return of Josh Gordon and his team peaking at the right time. I think everyone, including me, is scared to face him in the playoffs. His team is just that good.
I am thankful for my running backs and not having to travel for Thanksgiving. Also porn.
Mike Frank is thankful for clinching a winning record this week. Even if he hasn't officially secured a playoff spot yet, he's guaranteed to finish above .500 for the first time in recorded history (not fact checked). To celebrate, he's going to eat 501 pounds of turkey and drink 501 liters of gravy.
Sean is thankful to be in first place with a stacked team. Other than Falafel's squad, this is clearly the team to beat. (Though he's still holding onto Vernon Davis for some unknown reason.) Sean is also thankful for the few remaining hairs on his head.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
- The Commish
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Week 11 Recap
Howdy Folks,
Long time, no cap.
Here's a quick list of predictable items around here:
- Steve will go on 3 or 4 massive rants per season
- Robby will ignore everything and everyone for most of the season
- Mike Frank will finish .500 at the end of the season
- Maine will have false hope at multiple points per season
- Falafel will act like a douche-bag at all points per season
- I will get lazy and uninspired around week 7 and stop writing recaps for a while
So let's get to it and see what the non-Heigl state of affairs are around here. We have three weeks to go in the regular season, and it's all up for grabs....
Falafel 113 Commish 84
It's all falling apart. Crumbling before my eyes. I'm getting nothing out of my QB or Defense. My WRs are Charles Barkley-level Turrible. My best bad WR is now out 4-6 weeks. My stud TE is injured too. My lottery ticket Adrian Peterson just got suspended for the season. I picked up the Redskins kicker and watched him miss two field goals IN PERSON.
And I watched Mike Evans rape my team, IN PERSON.
Dammit!!!
My only solace was that the Dolphins and Wahoos didn't have games this weekend. Because they would have lost too. Miserable. (But at least the Braves didn't trade Jason Heyward on Monday morning).
I need the regular season to end today, because there's no way I'm holding onto third place for another three weeks. Scratching and clawing....
Meanwhile...
There once was a tool named Falafel
His fantasy team was god-awful.
But his life was not boring -
For when his girlfriend was whoring
She once took a shit on a waffle
BaconMaine 128 Fudge 113
Nobody saw this coming. Maine has now won all three games since he kindly guest-wrote the last recap. He's squarely back in the playoff picture and full of false hope. He's gonna ride CJ Anderson and Jordy Nelson until their legs fall off. (I'm also pretty sure that "CJ and Jordy" is a new show on Disney XD.) ... Robby is still starting Brian Hartline. Nuff said.
Baldy McBalderson 124 Steve 92
Sean continues his dominance of the league and is now in first place all by himself. Aaron Rodgers continues to go ape shit, Demaryious Thomas is the only one left for Manning to throw to in Denver, Kelvin Benjamin is the only decent thing on offense for Carolina, Julio Jones is Julio Jones,and Richardson is now the only healthy RB in Indy. Everything is coming up Baldy!
Meanwhile, Steve is...Steve is...Steve is...hmmm....conflicted? The Gators lost in excruciating fashion, but Muschamp is finally gone. His Giants won, but they still have a losing record. His fantasy team has lost a couple in a row, but his Wide Receivers are still awesome and he's still in fourth place. He's been listening to the new Pink Floyd album on a loop, but there's only vocals on two songs, one of them by Stephen Hawking. So, basically, what I'm saying, is who the fuck knows about Steve....
Mike Frank 138 Mike Cole 73
In the 12 annual Mike Bowl, the winner and King of the Mikes is....drumrolll....Mike Frank! Wow, he might just be for real this season. It's pretty unlikely that he'll lose three in a row to finish at 7-7, right? Right? Good for him! The playoffs are firmly in his grasp. Also firmly in his grasp - his mouse! Because he's reading this on the computer! And the mouse helps him operate the computer! Ha!!
Meanwhile, Mike Cole went on a Disney Cruise instead of fixing his fantasy team. Ayup.
Mazzle 123 Thong 108
The battle of Hotlanta! Mazzle wins! And now both of these cats now sit at 6-5 and are right in the thick of it. Also...also...and also...whew....ok, that's enough recap. I'm out of recap shape and officially winded. I'll try to make it through all five matchups next time...
Commish out.
Long time, no cap.
Here's a quick list of predictable items around here:
- Steve will go on 3 or 4 massive rants per season
- Robby will ignore everything and everyone for most of the season
- Maine will have false hope at multiple points per season
- Falafel will act like a douche-bag at all points per season
- I will get lazy and uninspired around week 7 and stop writing recaps for a while
So let's get to it and see what the non-Heigl state of affairs are around here. We have three weeks to go in the regular season, and it's all up for grabs....
Falafel 113 Commish 84
It's all falling apart. Crumbling before my eyes. I'm getting nothing out of my QB or Defense. My WRs are Charles Barkley-level Turrible. My best bad WR is now out 4-6 weeks. My stud TE is injured too. My lottery ticket Adrian Peterson just got suspended for the season. I picked up the Redskins kicker and watched him miss two field goals IN PERSON.
And I watched Mike Evans rape my team, IN PERSON.
Dammit!!!
My only solace was that the Dolphins and Wahoos didn't have games this weekend. Because they would have lost too. Miserable. (But at least the Braves didn't trade Jason Heyward on Monday morning).
I need the regular season to end today, because there's no way I'm holding onto third place for another three weeks. Scratching and clawing....
Meanwhile...
There once was a tool named Falafel
His fantasy team was god-awful.
But his life was not boring -
For when his girlfriend was whoring
She once took a shit on a waffle
BaconMaine 128 Fudge 113
Nobody saw this coming. Maine has now won all three games since he kindly guest-wrote the last recap. He's squarely back in the playoff picture and full of false hope. He's gonna ride CJ Anderson and Jordy Nelson until their legs fall off. (I'm also pretty sure that "CJ and Jordy" is a new show on Disney XD.) ... Robby is still starting Brian Hartline. Nuff said.
Baldy McBalderson 124 Steve 92
Sean continues his dominance of the league and is now in first place all by himself. Aaron Rodgers continues to go ape shit, Demaryious Thomas is the only one left for Manning to throw to in Denver, Kelvin Benjamin is the only decent thing on offense for Carolina, Julio Jones is Julio Jones,and Richardson is now the only healthy RB in Indy. Everything is coming up Baldy!
Meanwhile, Steve is...Steve is...Steve is...hmmm....conflicted? The Gators lost in excruciating fashion, but Muschamp is finally gone. His Giants won, but they still have a losing record. His fantasy team has lost a couple in a row, but his Wide Receivers are still awesome and he's still in fourth place. He's been listening to the new Pink Floyd album on a loop, but there's only vocals on two songs, one of them by Stephen Hawking. So, basically, what I'm saying, is who the fuck knows about Steve....
Mike Frank 138 Mike Cole 73
In the 12 annual Mike Bowl, the winner and King of the Mikes is....drumrolll....Mike Frank! Wow, he might just be for real this season. It's pretty unlikely that he'll lose three in a row to finish at 7-7, right? Right? Good for him! The playoffs are firmly in his grasp. Also firmly in his grasp - his mouse! Because he's reading this on the computer! And the mouse helps him operate the computer! Ha!!
Meanwhile, Mike Cole went on a Disney Cruise instead of fixing his fantasy team. Ayup.
Mazzle 123 Thong 108
The battle of Hotlanta! Mazzle wins! And now both of these cats now sit at 6-5 and are right in the thick of it. Also...also...and also...whew....ok, that's enough recap. I'm out of recap shape and officially winded. I'll try to make it through all five matchups next time...
Commish out.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Week 8 Recap (guest post by Maine)
I volunteered to do the recaps for Jason this week for three reasons:
1. He asked me.
2. I think he asks me every year.
3. Frankly, if I didn't, I had no reason to watch football this week. (RIP Knowshon Peterson-Cruz III)
2. I think he asks me every year.
3. Frankly, if I didn't, I had no reason to watch football this week. (RIP Knowshon Peterson-Cruz III)
Let's discuss the matchups, in order of relevance.
Colonel Choad defeats How High 2
If someone says to you, "Say man, how's your fantasy
football team doing this year?", he's really saying ,"Say man, did you
or didn't you draft Demarco Murray?" That's essentially the crux of the
conversation. Every year, there's a player who outperforms his personal
bullshit to a degree that catapults every fantasy owner lucky enough to
have him directly into the championship. This year, it's Demarco. No
fantasy team that frequently employs Darren McFadden, the Remains of
Antonio Gates and Trent Richardson should be as successful as Sean's is
(at this point, I think the actual group Run DMC might have more fantasy
relevance than Darren McFadden, and one of them is dead), but Demarco
is having that kind of a year.
That said, Sean and Jason went head to head and it came down to Monday night. Thankfully, Brandin Cooks had a big enough game to stave off the late Demarco charge. Congrats, Commish.
Fire Will Muschamp defeats The Memory Remains
Brad, on Sunday night:
"Alright... let me pull out this Samsung tablet and see how
things went for my fantasy team this week.... Oooh, Sammy Watkins...
getting that TD... and Mr. Maclin grabs 2 TDs... thank you. That's
like... 60 points from 2 guys. I'm feeling good. What did Leveon do? ...
Hmm, that half point PPR is looking good right now. No paydirt, but he
outscored expectations. How badly did Chris Ivory shit the bed?.... Man,
he got 2 touchdowns too? And Gronk somehow got 3 TDs!? Jesus... unless
my boyfriend Matt Ryan fell asleep on the job.... nope... that's like,
what... 173 points?! Alright. Heads are high. Ride the lightning. Let me
log into this message board real quick and talk some shit after seeing
how many points I won by................ what.............
the................? ........motherfucker."
Steve, on Sunday night:
"That wasn't the deal, Satan!! I said you could have my soul at the end of my natural life!"
Fourme 2 Poupon defeats Guardians of the Thong
Another slow burner with a Monday
night final between 2 really evenly matched teams that are waaaaaay too
invested in the Washington Football Team and other risky teams to feel good about.
Fortunately for Travis, Luck and Hilton chose this week to
have their annual public make out session and the fantasy multipliers
paid off. Hopefully this will also be the last week he wastes space on
Doug Martin.
Gutterballs defeats BaconCraft
This matchup was over in the 3rd quarter of the Thursday
night game when Emanuel Sanders decided to go Madden. In fact, Sanders,
Arian Foster and Jamal Charles put up enough points between the three
of them to comfortably win the week. Congratulations, Mike Frank. You're
the best and smartest. Is that what you wanted to hear?! Does it make
you feel better!!?
Frankly, this is what I get for trying to win football
games with adult men named Boobie, Jordy, Delanie and Russell on my
team. Not to mention 2 guys named Zack. Next year, I'm drafting a bunch
of dudes named Craig, Sex Metal and Chainwax instead.
Haunted Fudge defeats New-Bruce
There's humiliation, there's ultra humiliation, then
there's "losing to a guy that started two injured Buffalo running backs -
one of which is out for the year." It helps that Larry Fitzgerald
finally woke up and that Julian Edelman appears to be the only Patriot
who didn't participate in last weekend's statistical gangbang, but
still... it can't feel great.
- Maine
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Week 7 Recap - Power Rankings
Howdy folks,
We're exactly halfway through the regular season, so let's do some power rankings up in here....
10. Haunted Fudge
Robby is the clear-cut leader for Auction Bitch so far. He's officially the Oakland Raiders of this league, mismanaging roster beyond all comprehension. He needs to fire himself immediately and hire Mike Holmgren. Also, his team name makes no sense. Also, Fred Jackson AND CJ Spiller both got hurt this week. Also, he's under investigation by Yahoo for HGH abuses back in the early 90s. Also, he sucks.
9. BaconCraft
Maine gets the nod over Mike Cole in the 9 spot, as everything that could go wrong this season for him, has. He should just change his team name to Murphy's Law of Bacon. There are easily three guys on his roster he could drop immediately, but he just doesn't have the energy anymore. He's bitter and numb and all hope is lost.
8. New-Bruce
Speaking of lost hope, Mike's only goal at this point is to stay out of last place. Drew Brees has been his downfall. It's been a steep fall from the glory days, and he's now just a husk of a shadow of a man.
7. The Memory Remains
Bradley continues his proud tradition of being in this league. He consistently starts 10 players and puts up points in a multitude of categories, including, but not limited to: yards, touchdowns, and extra points. His players have names like "Matt" and "Jeremy." He has two defenses on his roster and picks the best one to start based on the perceived matchup strength. He wins some weeks and loses others. Overall, Bradley indeed manages a fantasy football team in our league.
6. Thongtastic
You could argue for Rich to be ranked anywhere from 3 to 7. He has both a 3 game winning streak and 3 game losing streak on the season, so no telling how good he really is or what happens from here on out. But if he can get AJ Green back and healthy for the stretch run, he may just have a chance. Or not. Hell, I don't know and neither do you.
5. Gutterballs
No way Mike Frank can be ranked higher than 5, just on general principle. He will 1000% lose this week - the line is so high, it's off the board in Vegas. (His roster, however, does have some talent. If he gets in the playoffs at 7-7, I wouldn't want to play him.)
4. Shit-Stain
Travis could be feisty down the stretch. His team is getting healthy, and he has Josh Gordon waiting in the wings. He has some running back issues, but that's nothing that can't be improved on the waiver wire. He also has the devastating Luck to Hilton combo. My bold prediction is that he goes on a major win streak, goes 5-2 in the second half of the season and squeaks into the playoffs at 8-6. (And that prediction is in no way trying to jinx him at all.)
3. Fire Will Muschamp
Steve-O gets the three spot, as usual. He's got the best three WRs in the league, but the rest of his team keeps him up at night. He'll continue to work the wire though to grab the latest third string running back. And he'll drink himself to sleep with three fingers of scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch.
2. Colonel Choad
Your trusty Commish has been doing fine and dandy, but has some question marks. Wide Receiver is an issue, the Seattle Defense has been terrible, and Julius Thomas is bound to regress the second half. Should be able to make the playoffs, but there are concerns around camp. Look for him to make another trade before the deadline to shore up his roster for the last few weeks.
1. How High 2 - Pgh RBs
And the top spot in the power rankings goes to the top spot in the league - Sean "Sausage King" Forman! His team is stacked in the back and, going into the second half, is the odds-on favorite to win the whole damn thing. Seriously - look at his fucking roster! It's really really good. (And that, my friends, is the kind of hard hitting analysis you've come to expect from me.)
So, good luck to Sean and to the five other owners I wouldn't mind winning! (You four others know who you aren't.)
Cheers,
The Commish
We're exactly halfway through the regular season, so let's do some power rankings up in here....
10. Haunted Fudge
Robby is the clear-cut leader for Auction Bitch so far. He's officially the Oakland Raiders of this league, mismanaging roster beyond all comprehension. He needs to fire himself immediately and hire Mike Holmgren. Also, his team name makes no sense. Also, Fred Jackson AND CJ Spiller both got hurt this week. Also, he's under investigation by Yahoo for HGH abuses back in the early 90s. Also, he sucks.
9. BaconCraft
Maine gets the nod over Mike Cole in the 9 spot, as everything that could go wrong this season for him, has. He should just change his team name to Murphy's Law of Bacon. There are easily three guys on his roster he could drop immediately, but he just doesn't have the energy anymore. He's bitter and numb and all hope is lost.
8. New-Bruce
Speaking of lost hope, Mike's only goal at this point is to stay out of last place. Drew Brees has been his downfall. It's been a steep fall from the glory days, and he's now just a husk of a shadow of a man.
7. The Memory Remains
Bradley continues his proud tradition of being in this league. He consistently starts 10 players and puts up points in a multitude of categories, including, but not limited to: yards, touchdowns, and extra points. His players have names like "Matt" and "Jeremy." He has two defenses on his roster and picks the best one to start based on the perceived matchup strength. He wins some weeks and loses others. Overall, Bradley indeed manages a fantasy football team in our league.
6. Thongtastic
You could argue for Rich to be ranked anywhere from 3 to 7. He has both a 3 game winning streak and 3 game losing streak on the season, so no telling how good he really is or what happens from here on out. But if he can get AJ Green back and healthy for the stretch run, he may just have a chance. Or not. Hell, I don't know and neither do you.
5. Gutterballs
No way Mike Frank can be ranked higher than 5, just on general principle. He will 1000% lose this week - the line is so high, it's off the board in Vegas. (His roster, however, does have some talent. If he gets in the playoffs at 7-7, I wouldn't want to play him.)
4. Shit-Stain
Travis could be feisty down the stretch. His team is getting healthy, and he has Josh Gordon waiting in the wings. He has some running back issues, but that's nothing that can't be improved on the waiver wire. He also has the devastating Luck to Hilton combo. My bold prediction is that he goes on a major win streak, goes 5-2 in the second half of the season and squeaks into the playoffs at 8-6. (And that prediction is in no way trying to jinx him at all.)
3. Fire Will Muschamp
Steve-O gets the three spot, as usual. He's got the best three WRs in the league, but the rest of his team keeps him up at night. He'll continue to work the wire though to grab the latest third string running back. And he'll drink himself to sleep with three fingers of scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch.
2. Colonel Choad
Your trusty Commish has been doing fine and dandy, but has some question marks. Wide Receiver is an issue, the Seattle Defense has been terrible, and Julius Thomas is bound to regress the second half. Should be able to make the playoffs, but there are concerns around camp. Look for him to make another trade before the deadline to shore up his roster for the last few weeks.
1. How High 2 - Pgh RBs
And the top spot in the power rankings goes to the top spot in the league - Sean "Sausage King" Forman! His team is stacked in the back and, going into the second half, is the odds-on favorite to win the whole damn thing. Seriously - look at his fucking roster! It's really really good. (And that, my friends, is the kind of hard hitting analysis you've come to expect from me.)
So, good luck to Sean and to the five other owners I wouldn't mind winning! (You four others know who you aren't.)
Cheers,
The Commish
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Week 6 Recap
Hi Everybody!
I have one semi-interesting observation before we get started. (And no, it's not about the Dolphins.)
Through 6 weeks so far, the standing are completely aligned with Points Scored. This means that nobody is bitching about being unlucky with head-to-head vagaries. It's all completely orderly. You are what you are.
It's unclear if this is due to the larger range of point values resulting from the scoring changes. Or if it's just a product of small sample size and many teams sitting at 3-3. This will be something to monitor as the season continues.
Now for something completely the same...
Choad 162 Thong 90
Though not making up for the 2012 Chicken Bone Cup loss, this was quite the satisfying smack-down. Rich is suddenly in a free-fall, all of his pixie dust apparently worn off. .. Meanwhile, yours truly put up 162, while making all the wrong decisions on starters. Would have scored about 190 points otherwise. Sometimes It's So Fucking Easy.
Mazzle 87 Bacon 85
The disaster of a season continues for Maine. And disaster is an understatement. He watches the vaunted Cinci Defense be awful again, his old TE score 5 points more than the one he traded for this week, Victor Cruz's knee and career implode on national TV, Knowshon Moreno tear his ACL and be done for the season, and Zac Stacy run for 2 yds at a time and fall down on Monday Night Football. The result is that he manages to somehow lose by two points in the most pathetic lowest scoring game of the season. I couldn't make this stuff up!
Could anything else go wrong at this point? Seriously! Nothing else could surprise us at this point. DeSean Jackson getting arrested for killing a prostitute? Sure! Russell Wilson goes swimming in a lake and gets his penis bit off by a snapping turtle? Why not?! Jordy Nelson winning The Voice and quitting football! I'd put it at even money! It's officially ridiculous.....
Shit-Stained Falafel 118 Mike "Bruce" Cole 95
This was over on Thursday Night.
Not even false hope is left for my esteemed brother now.
Meanwhile, Shit-Stained Travis is completely even at 3-3.
Robby 102 Steve 95
Robby "Haunted Fudge" Friedman gets on the board with his first win of the season. But the bigger story is the disaster of a weekend for our good friend Steve-O. The Gator game was a travishamockery of a stomach-punch loss. The Giants completely shit the bed on Sunday Night Football. And his fantasy team lost to Robby. Robby! Good thing he has the new Pink Floyd song to listen to on repeat 12, 239 times; otherwise, we'd all be murdered in our sleep.
Sean 145 Mike Frank 141
Oooooh, this one came down to the last 60 seconds on Monday Night Football. Brutal!!! Thanks to a completely and utterly meaningless pick-six, Sean somehow pulled it out. It was a total heart breaker for Mike, who the universe could not allow to go 4-2.
Cheers,
The Commish
I have one semi-interesting observation before we get started. (And no, it's not about the Dolphins.)
Through 6 weeks so far, the standing are completely aligned with Points Scored. This means that nobody is bitching about being unlucky with head-to-head vagaries. It's all completely orderly. You are what you are.
It's unclear if this is due to the larger range of point values resulting from the scoring changes. Or if it's just a product of small sample size and many teams sitting at 3-3. This will be something to monitor as the season continues.
Now for something completely the same...
Choad 162 Thong 90
Though not making up for the 2012 Chicken Bone Cup loss, this was quite the satisfying smack-down. Rich is suddenly in a free-fall, all of his pixie dust apparently worn off. .. Meanwhile, yours truly put up 162, while making all the wrong decisions on starters. Would have scored about 190 points otherwise. Sometimes It's So Fucking Easy.
Mazzle 87 Bacon 85
The disaster of a season continues for Maine. And disaster is an understatement. He watches the vaunted Cinci Defense be awful again, his old TE score 5 points more than the one he traded for this week, Victor Cruz's knee and career implode on national TV, Knowshon Moreno tear his ACL and be done for the season, and Zac Stacy run for 2 yds at a time and fall down on Monday Night Football. The result is that he manages to somehow lose by two points in the most pathetic lowest scoring game of the season. I couldn't make this stuff up!
Could anything else go wrong at this point? Seriously! Nothing else could surprise us at this point. DeSean Jackson getting arrested for killing a prostitute? Sure! Russell Wilson goes swimming in a lake and gets his penis bit off by a snapping turtle? Why not?! Jordy Nelson winning The Voice and quitting football! I'd put it at even money! It's officially ridiculous.....
Shit-Stained Falafel 118 Mike "Bruce" Cole 95
This was over on Thursday Night.
Not even false hope is left for my esteemed brother now.
Meanwhile, Shit-Stained Travis is completely even at 3-3.
Robby 102 Steve 95
Robby "Haunted Fudge" Friedman gets on the board with his first win of the season. But the bigger story is the disaster of a weekend for our good friend Steve-O. The Gator game was a travishamockery of a stomach-punch loss. The Giants completely shit the bed on Sunday Night Football. And his fantasy team lost to Robby. Robby! Good thing he has the new Pink Floyd song to listen to on repeat 12, 239 times; otherwise, we'd all be murdered in our sleep.
Sean 145 Mike Frank 141
Oooooh, this one came down to the last 60 seconds on Monday Night Football. Brutal!!! Thanks to a completely and utterly meaningless pick-six, Sean somehow pulled it out. It was a total heart breaker for Mike, who the universe could not allow to go 4-2.
Cheers,
The Commish
Monday, October 6, 2014
Week 5 Recap
Howdy Folks,
No point in waiting for tomorrow to recap this bitch, as results are pretty much wrapped up here in week 5. Let's get to it...
Commish over Mazzle
After a strong start to the season, Bradley "is a girl" Malemezian loses her second matchup in a row. Also of note, spell-check believes that the correction for "Malemezian" is "Megalomania." And after this week, it sure isn't "Megatron." Between Calvin Johnson's no-shows and the lack of any RB depth, it might be a long October for her team. ... Meanwhile, Commish is cruising along nicely thanks to consistent play across the board, expert drafting, and boyishly good looks.
New Bruce over Bacon
Question: What do Bruce Springsteen, Bruce Willis, Bruce Smith, Bruce Hornsby, Bruce Bochy, Bruce Campbell, and Bruce Lee all have in common?
Answer: They're all better at fantasy football than the New Bruce.
P.S. And you know that Springsteen would just try to draft offensive guards, H-backs, long snappers, and nickel corners because they're the "working class" men of the NFL. He'd be terrible at fantasy!
Despite all that, for one week, my esteemed brother gets Ben Tate and Eddie Lacy back and all is right with the world. Mike Cole improves to 1-4 on the season and with one more win next week, he'll still have no shot. But he will have false hope!
On the flippity flop, Maine's Donald Brown magic has seemingly run out. Though only at 2-3, he's already running on fumes. Not looking good at all. Also, he would have been better off starting his mom's cunt instead of the Cincinnati defense.
Steve O my Steve O over Shit-Stained Falafel
Steve has a 70% chance of winning tonight, while Travis, coincidentally, has a 70% chance of being a douche-bag tonight. But even assuming that Steve holds on to move to 4-1, he must be having a crisis of confidence right now. His Monte Ball pick is not working out at all, he's flailing at Tight End, and he knows he can't count on 36 points from his defense and kicker every week. It's no wonder he's been impotent for two and a half years.
And I don't just mean impotent in fantasy football. I'm telling you that he cannot get his penis erect no matter who he drafts or picks up off the waiver wire. He can't get off on any of his players, no matter how hard he slaps his roster around. You wonder why he makes so many transactions? It's because he's trying to chase that Dennis Northcutt aphrodisiac, but it just isn't working for him anymore. You wonder why he doesn't show up at drafts? It's because he's embarrassed that his dick is limper than Robby's wrist. It's not a coincidence that you can find the words staff, cobb, and ball on his team. You do the math. It's sad....
Sean over Thong
On paper, this one was another major mismatch. Thong (an emerging chicken bone dynasty) vs. Sean (auction bitch supreme). Well folks, that's why they don't play fantasy football on paper!!! (Um...I guess they used to, but then we all got computers...er ..never mind...) Sean kicks the ever-loving crap out of Thong and is officially the surprise team to be reckoned with this year (e.g. 2013 Robby, 2012 Steve). Like the best porn-stars, his team has a few holes, but he's getting production from every nook and cranny. Also like the best porn-stars, he's bald.
Mike Frank over Robby
Enough about MFrank's mediocrity. Let's talk Robby's team (probably for the last time). He finally gets a huge week out of Peyton Manning, but continues to mismanage the rest of his roster to comic lengths. He trots out the corpse of Larry Fitzgerald week after week. He has both Buffalo running backs on his team, guaranteeing that he'll start the wrong one. He still has the terrible New Orleans defense employed. And his Wide Receivers are AWFUL! Jordan Matthews. Kenny Stills. Brian Hartline! What is he doing? This year is a lost cause, but hopefully this public shaming (as opposed to Steve's pubic shaming), will do him some good. There's always next year. And hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
Lastly, I don't get the "Haunted Fudge" name. What am I missing here? What does it mean? Makes less sense than his pathetic fucking excuse for a roster.
Cheers bitches!
- The Commish
No point in waiting for tomorrow to recap this bitch, as results are pretty much wrapped up here in week 5. Let's get to it...
Commish over Mazzle
After a strong start to the season, Bradley "is a girl" Malemezian loses her second matchup in a row. Also of note, spell-check believes that the correction for "Malemezian" is "Megalomania." And after this week, it sure isn't "Megatron." Between Calvin Johnson's no-shows and the lack of any RB depth, it might be a long October for her team. ... Meanwhile, Commish is cruising along nicely thanks to consistent play across the board, expert drafting, and boyishly good looks.
New Bruce over Bacon
Question: What do Bruce Springsteen, Bruce Willis, Bruce Smith, Bruce Hornsby, Bruce Bochy, Bruce Campbell, and Bruce Lee all have in common?
Answer: They're all better at fantasy football than the New Bruce.
P.S. And you know that Springsteen would just try to draft offensive guards, H-backs, long snappers, and nickel corners because they're the "working class" men of the NFL. He'd be terrible at fantasy!
Despite all that, for one week, my esteemed brother gets Ben Tate and Eddie Lacy back and all is right with the world. Mike Cole improves to 1-4 on the season and with one more win next week, he'll still have no shot. But he will have false hope!
On the flippity flop, Maine's Donald Brown magic has seemingly run out. Though only at 2-3, he's already running on fumes. Not looking good at all. Also, he would have been better off starting his mom's cunt instead of the Cincinnati defense.
Steve O my Steve O over Shit-Stained Falafel
Steve has a 70% chance of winning tonight, while Travis, coincidentally, has a 70% chance of being a douche-bag tonight. But even assuming that Steve holds on to move to 4-1, he must be having a crisis of confidence right now. His Monte Ball pick is not working out at all, he's flailing at Tight End, and he knows he can't count on 36 points from his defense and kicker every week. It's no wonder he's been impotent for two and a half years.
And I don't just mean impotent in fantasy football. I'm telling you that he cannot get his penis erect no matter who he drafts or picks up off the waiver wire. He can't get off on any of his players, no matter how hard he slaps his roster around. You wonder why he makes so many transactions? It's because he's trying to chase that Dennis Northcutt aphrodisiac, but it just isn't working for him anymore. You wonder why he doesn't show up at drafts? It's because he's embarrassed that his dick is limper than Robby's wrist. It's not a coincidence that you can find the words staff, cobb, and ball on his team. You do the math. It's sad....
Sean over Thong
On paper, this one was another major mismatch. Thong (an emerging chicken bone dynasty) vs. Sean (auction bitch supreme). Well folks, that's why they don't play fantasy football on paper!!! (Um...I guess they used to, but then we all got computers...er ..never mind...) Sean kicks the ever-loving crap out of Thong and is officially the surprise team to be reckoned with this year (e.g. 2013 Robby, 2012 Steve). Like the best porn-stars, his team has a few holes, but he's getting production from every nook and cranny. Also like the best porn-stars, he's bald.
Mike Frank over Robby
Enough about MFrank's mediocrity. Let's talk Robby's team (probably for the last time). He finally gets a huge week out of Peyton Manning, but continues to mismanage the rest of his roster to comic lengths. He trots out the corpse of Larry Fitzgerald week after week. He has both Buffalo running backs on his team, guaranteeing that he'll start the wrong one. He still has the terrible New Orleans defense employed. And his Wide Receivers are AWFUL! Jordan Matthews. Kenny Stills. Brian Hartline! What is he doing? This year is a lost cause, but hopefully this public shaming (as opposed to Steve's pubic shaming), will do him some good. There's always next year. And hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
Lastly, I don't get the "Haunted Fudge" name. What am I missing here? What does it mean? Makes less sense than his pathetic fucking excuse for a roster.
Cheers bitches!
- The Commish
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Weak 4 Recap
Damn Steve!
Thong goes down.
Mike Frank continues to be Mike Frank.
Sean trades Pirates and Steeler wins for fantasy wins.
Brad and Maine are also in this league.
Travis is a Shit-Stain.
One Cole standing.
Robby = Auction Bitch.
Thong goes down.
Mike Frank continues to be Mike Frank.
Sean trades Pirates and Steeler wins for fantasy wins.
Brad and Maine are also in this league.
Travis is a Shit-Stain.
One Cole standing.
Robby = Auction Bitch.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Week 3 Recap
Howdy Folks,
Before getting into the festive Week 3 recap, a few words about the alleged NFL team, the Miami Dolphins.
The really sad thing, to me, is that all of the players and coaches are actually trying really hard. They really are. And this is the BEST that they can do. They simply can't do any better. They are just not good at doing the one thing that they are paid to do - play professional football. They are not bad people. They are just bad at football. At this point, I just feel sorry for them. And they still have to play 13 more games.
Now for this week's recap, sponsored by Google Autocomplete suggestions....
Commish Choad 121 - SteveO 80
When I type the phrase "steve is a" into Google, the 2nd suggestion is "steve is a scuba diver who is concerned". And he should be concerned after that performance! It's still early in the season, but that was quite the steep drop underwater from first to fifth for Steve. Plus, the new Pink Floyd album just got delayed! See - Steve should have saved his bitching. He blew his wad last week, and he probably doesn't have any vitriol left...
BaconCraft 135 - ShitStain 125
More fun with Google's Autocomplete:
"Jermaine is here" (1st suggestion)
"Jermaine is gay" (2nd suggestion)
Three weeks into the season, and it's already been a wild ride for Maine. RGIII, AP, Ryan Matthews, Moreno, etc. Somehow though, his team is way better than you'd expect considering all the auction money already flushed down the toilet. He's 2-1 and scrappin! Donald Brown! (However, when you consider Peterson, Cooper, and Boldin, there are a large percentage of assholes on his team. And I'm just betting Zach Ertz is a dick too.)
Sean Forman 115 - Mike Cole 106
Once again, Google Autocomplete has the answers. When I type in the phrase "why is my brother", the very first suggestion is "why is my brother retarded". (No surprise there.) Meanwhile, the first suggestion is for "sean is" - "sean is awesome". (Good for him!) ... At 0-3 it's already starting to look like another lost season for Mike Cole. Can he turn it around against me next week with half my team on bye? It's now or never....
Bradley 113 - Mike Frank 80
I couldn't love these first suggestions more:
"bradley is a girl's name"
"mike is a theory"
Bradley surges back into second place with her team getting big weeks from Matty Ryan and Jeremy Maclin and probably some other guys too. She convincingly beat Mike Frank, who - according to the Mike Theory of Mediocrity - must have been on an off week.
Thong 109 - Robby 69
This one was off the board in Vegas before it even started. They couldn't make the point spread high enough. You can't stop Thong, you can only hope to contain him. I think Google suggests it best - "rich is gangsta"
Cheers,
"commish is wise"
Before getting into the festive Week 3 recap, a few words about the alleged NFL team, the Miami Dolphins.
The really sad thing, to me, is that all of the players and coaches are actually trying really hard. They really are. And this is the BEST that they can do. They simply can't do any better. They are just not good at doing the one thing that they are paid to do - play professional football. They are not bad people. They are just bad at football. At this point, I just feel sorry for them. And they still have to play 13 more games.
Now for this week's recap, sponsored by Google Autocomplete suggestions....
Commish Choad 121 - SteveO 80
When I type the phrase "steve is a" into Google, the 2nd suggestion is "steve is a scuba diver who is concerned". And he should be concerned after that performance! It's still early in the season, but that was quite the steep drop underwater from first to fifth for Steve. Plus, the new Pink Floyd album just got delayed! See - Steve should have saved his bitching. He blew his wad last week, and he probably doesn't have any vitriol left...
BaconCraft 135 - ShitStain 125
More fun with Google's Autocomplete:
"Jermaine is here" (1st suggestion)
"Jermaine is gay" (2nd suggestion)
Three weeks into the season, and it's already been a wild ride for Maine. RGIII, AP, Ryan Matthews, Moreno, etc. Somehow though, his team is way better than you'd expect considering all the auction money already flushed down the toilet. He's 2-1 and scrappin! Donald Brown! (However, when you consider Peterson, Cooper, and Boldin, there are a large percentage of assholes on his team. And I'm just betting Zach Ertz is a dick too.)
Sean Forman 115 - Mike Cole 106
Once again, Google Autocomplete has the answers. When I type in the phrase "why is my brother", the very first suggestion is "why is my brother retarded". (No surprise there.) Meanwhile, the first suggestion is for "sean is" - "sean is awesome". (Good for him!) ... At 0-3 it's already starting to look like another lost season for Mike Cole. Can he turn it around against me next week with half my team on bye? It's now or never....
Bradley 113 - Mike Frank 80
I couldn't love these first suggestions more:
"bradley is a girl's name"
"mike is a theory"
Bradley surges back into second place with her team getting big weeks from Matty Ryan and Jeremy Maclin and probably some other guys too. She convincingly beat Mike Frank, who - according to the Mike Theory of Mediocrity - must have been on an off week.
Thong 109 - Robby 69
This one was off the board in Vegas before it even started. They couldn't make the point spread high enough. You can't stop Thong, you can only hope to contain him. I think Google suggests it best - "rich is gangsta"
Cheers,
"commish is wise"
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Week 2 Recap
Hey Gang,
Here are some reader-suggested subtitles for this week's recap:
Week 2: Where everyone's players got hurt or arrested
Week 2: Where the total scores regressed to the mean
Week 2: The One with the Monkey
Week 2: Electric Boogaloo
Week 2: Where Reality Sets In.
Falafel 112 - Colonel Choad 102
Thanks to the Legion of Poop and Andrew the Giant, Falafel takes this one by a nose. More importantly, he needs to stop changing his damn team name.
His three and only three options are:
1. Leave name as is
2. Change name to something Falafel-based and leave it at that
3. Keep changing names and be refereed to in this recap, on the message boards, etc. for the rest of this season as "Shit-Stain".
BaconCraft 110 - Fudge 95
Question: What does Maine have in common with Jay Gruden?
Answer: The injury to RGIII lets him avoid a season long QB controversy and start the better player.
This week Maine started Russell Wilson and found himself in the win column. Also, Jordy Freaking Nelson!!!
Meanwhile, Robby "Fudge" Friedman is at 2-1 odds in Vegas to be the Auction Bitch next year.
Steve 123 - Mike Frank 116
Mike Frank 99 - Mike Cole 89
So let me get this straight... Steve is undefeated, in first place, and couldn't be more bitter? And Mike Frank has a mediocre team that is 1-1 on the season? You gotta be shitting me!!!! C'mon...is this opposite day or something? No way anyone could have predicted that. Next you'll be telling me that Sean is bald or Mike Cole is making excuses for his terrible team.
As far as the football stuff goes, that seems like a lot of effort for me to analyze and type up. So what you should do, is go back to Yahoo and look at the box scores yourself and then you'll know what happened. Problem solved!!!
Thong 99 - Mazzle 83
Here's a fun fact: Bradley somehow managed to score almost exactly half of his point total from last week. That is hard to do. He's 1-1.
Here's another fun fact: Before Draft Weekend, for practice, Thong does mock drafts while parachuting out of an airplane. That way he's prepared for anything under pressure. He's 2-0.
Cheers,
The Commish
Here are some reader-suggested subtitles for this week's recap:
Week 2: Where everyone's players got hurt or arrested
Week 2: Where the total scores regressed to the mean
Week 2: The One with the Monkey
Week 2: Electric Boogaloo
Week 2: Where Reality Sets In.
Falafel 112 - Colonel Choad 102
Thanks to the Legion of Poop and Andrew the Giant, Falafel takes this one by a nose. More importantly, he needs to stop changing his damn team name.
His three and only three options are:
1. Leave name as is
2. Change name to something Falafel-based and leave it at that
3. Keep changing names and be refereed to in this recap, on the message boards, etc. for the rest of this season as "Shit-Stain".
BaconCraft 110 - Fudge 95
Question: What does Maine have in common with Jay Gruden?
Answer: The injury to RGIII lets him avoid a season long QB controversy and start the better player.
This week Maine started Russell Wilson and found himself in the win column. Also, Jordy Freaking Nelson!!!
Meanwhile, Robby "Fudge" Friedman is at 2-1 odds in Vegas to be the Auction Bitch next year.
Steve 123 - Mike Frank 116
Mike Frank 99 - Mike Cole 89
So let me get this straight... Steve is undefeated, in first place, and couldn't be more bitter? And Mike Frank has a mediocre team that is 1-1 on the season? You gotta be shitting me!!!! C'mon...is this opposite day or something? No way anyone could have predicted that. Next you'll be telling me that Sean is bald or Mike Cole is making excuses for his terrible team.
As far as the football stuff goes, that seems like a lot of effort for me to analyze and type up. So what you should do, is go back to Yahoo and look at the box scores yourself and then you'll know what happened. Problem solved!!!
Thong 99 - Mazzle 83
Here's a fun fact: Bradley somehow managed to score almost exactly half of his point total from last week. That is hard to do. He's 1-1.
Here's another fun fact: Before Draft Weekend, for practice, Thong does mock drafts while parachuting out of an airplane. That way he's prepared for anything under pressure. He's 2-0.
Cheers,
The Commish
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Week 1 Recap
Howdy Folks,
And we're off! And Holy Crap, those are some high point totals! Thanks to the crazy new scoring changes, where you get 0.5 points for every catch, 1 point for every 10 yards, 25 points for every concussion, and 36.5 points for every woman you punch, no one has any bloody idea what a good score is anymore. (I suppose we can say that under 100 for the week is usually going to lose, but really, who the hell knows yet...)
Let's dig into the box scores, shall we?
Choad 135 - Bacon 75
Between Russell Wilson, Knowshon Moreno, Zach Ertz, and Anquan Boldin, those were some damn impressive double digit scorers for Maine. Unfortunately ALL of of those guys were on his bench, sipping cowboy whiskey and watching his starters suck balls. I know it's early, but this seems like it might be the season of Complete and Utter Mismanagement (C.U.M.) where Maine picks the wrong starters every single week. Stay tuned....
Sean 118 - Falafel (pick a name with Falafel in it and stick with it dammit!) 104
Thanks to $4 Vernon (his new nickname) and his phat 18 TE points, Sean edged Travis in the closest matchup of the weekend. And that was with a down week from Rodgers and Demaryius. Seems like someone doesn't want to be Auction Bitch again! .. Meanwhile, Falafel is already scrambling now that he realizes his running backs are worthless.
O Steve My Steve 132 - Mike Frank's Gutterballs 99
Despite little production from TE, Kicker, or Defense, Steve wins this one handily. He's used to winning things handily! (You know...with his left hand.) (You know...like when he's by himself.) (You know...er...masturbation.) (Uh...never mind...let's move on...) ... On the flip side, Mike Frank's Master Plan has officially begun!!! (Hint...it apparently starts with Jamaaal Chaaarles sucking and probably finishes with a .500 record)
Thong 144 - Mike Cole 86
Meet the New Bruce, same as the Old Bruce. Mike Cole picks up where he left off last year, getting absolutely crushed. He might be stretched a bit too thin, given that he's in 17 leagues this year; these include: a standard league, a 2 QB league, a dynasty league, a PPR league, an IDP league, a 3 Kicker league, a TE only league, a league where the loser has to get a face tattoo, and the Ted Marshall Open TV Death Pool. .. On the other side of the ledger, Thong keeps chugging along with his winning ways. Maybe next year, he'll up the level of difficulty by drafting inside an active Volcano.
Mazzle 165 - Robby's Fudge 94
Though I don't really understand the new scoring yet, I think it's a reasonable assumption to make that 165 is "a good score." Damn Bradley! Way to go ape shit even with one Bernard Pierce behind your back. ... As for Robby, there's only one thing to say really....
Cheers,
The Commish
And we're off! And Holy Crap, those are some high point totals! Thanks to the crazy new scoring changes, where you get 0.5 points for every catch, 1 point for every 10 yards, 25 points for every concussion, and 36.5 points for every woman you punch, no one has any bloody idea what a good score is anymore. (I suppose we can say that under 100 for the week is usually going to lose, but really, who the hell knows yet...)
Let's dig into the box scores, shall we?
Choad 135 - Bacon 75
Between Russell Wilson, Knowshon Moreno, Zach Ertz, and Anquan Boldin, those were some damn impressive double digit scorers for Maine. Unfortunately ALL of of those guys were on his bench, sipping cowboy whiskey and watching his starters suck balls. I know it's early, but this seems like it might be the season of Complete and Utter Mismanagement (C.U.M.) where Maine picks the wrong starters every single week. Stay tuned....
Sean 118 - Falafel (pick a name with Falafel in it and stick with it dammit!) 104
Thanks to $4 Vernon (his new nickname) and his phat 18 TE points, Sean edged Travis in the closest matchup of the weekend. And that was with a down week from Rodgers and Demaryius. Seems like someone doesn't want to be Auction Bitch again! .. Meanwhile, Falafel is already scrambling now that he realizes his running backs are worthless.
O Steve My Steve 132 - Mike Frank's Gutterballs 99
Despite little production from TE, Kicker, or Defense, Steve wins this one handily. He's used to winning things handily! (You know...with his left hand.) (You know...like when he's by himself.) (You know...er...masturbation.) (Uh...never mind...let's move on...) ... On the flip side, Mike Frank's Master Plan has officially begun!!! (Hint...it apparently starts with Jamaaal Chaaarles sucking and probably finishes with a .500 record)
Thong 144 - Mike Cole 86
Meet the New Bruce, same as the Old Bruce. Mike Cole picks up where he left off last year, getting absolutely crushed. He might be stretched a bit too thin, given that he's in 17 leagues this year; these include: a standard league, a 2 QB league, a dynasty league, a PPR league, an IDP league, a 3 Kicker league, a TE only league, a league where the loser has to get a face tattoo, and the Ted Marshall Open TV Death Pool. .. On the other side of the ledger, Thong keeps chugging along with his winning ways. Maybe next year, he'll up the level of difficulty by drafting inside an active Volcano.
Mazzle 165 - Robby's Fudge 94
Though I don't really understand the new scoring yet, I think it's a reasonable assumption to make that 165 is "a good score." Damn Bradley! Way to go ape shit even with one Bernard Pierce behind your back. ... As for Robby, there's only one thing to say really....
Cheers,
The Commish
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