Semi-Final Recap

Merry Festivus Everyone! How about a recap of the first week of playoff action?

Chief of Staff 89.74 - Seek & Destroy 52.53
Bradley Charles Malemezian fulfills his destiny as predicted and gets unceremoniously bounced from the first round of the playoffs. He's officially the Tracy McGrady of the league now. .... On the flip side, your trusty Commish exacts his revenge on the only team he hadn't beaten this season.

Some game notes:
- Randy Moss 16.47 pts, Ryan Grant 5.87 pts. Trade winner - moi.
- Guys in my starting lineup that I actually drafted: 3 out of 10.
- Number of Rushing + Receiving TD for Bradley: zippy.

I Flunked Flank 97.64 - Forman's Grillers 84.25
The other semi-final was won by the semi-man, BrotherCole. He got big games from some unlikely players and ended up with just enough to outscore, outwit, and outlast the Sausage King. Well not outwit. BrotherCole couldn't outwit a retarded chipmunk with cross-eyes and a peg leg. But he did win and that is all that counts at the end of the day.

Some game notes:
- BroCole got 31 frickin pts from his Kicker and Defense (to 15 for SK).
- Appropos of nothing, both guys started a WR in their flex spot.
- Sean is still bald.

Lords of Bacon 88.90 - League of Morons 86.74
Sweeney Thong 111.15 - Falafel Finale 86.21

Some Game notes:
- Thong and Maine get to fight it out for the jean shorts.
- Falafel and Maine are deadbeats who still haven't paid their league dues.
- I don't care enough about the consolation bracket to recap it.
- I'm guessing it's not that consoling to these losers.

Good luck in the Championship to me!
- The Commish

Week 14 Recap

Now the real season begins. But there are still congratulations in order. Here's your inconsequential recap from the fake season...

Seek & Destroy 80.79 - Revenge Shall Be Mine! 66.12
Congrats to Mazzle for making the plizzoffs. I rested players, Bradley took care of bidness, and the rematch that counts is still to come. Will Bradley continue to be my Armenian heel? Or will he suffer the might of my slings and arrows? Tune in this weekend, true believers.

I Flunked Flank 98.67 - Losers of Bacon! 62.84
Congrats to Jermaine for edging out the Sausage King by less than a point to claim the yearly high point total. Of course, that's completely meaningless, but at least it's some consolation while he's crying over his Bacon. Also consolation is the fact that even if he beat BrotherCole, he still would have been boned and even more bitter than he already is. Maybe after he kills someone in a fit of bitter rage, he can be cellmates with his boy Plexico.

Not as Bad as Robby 116.47 - You're Terrible! 95.57
Neither of these fools managed to make the consolation bracket, so...uh...congrats to Steve I guess for winning his super bowl. And that's all the recap you get or deserve.

League of Morons 66.52 - Sad Thong 51.76
Congrats to MFrank for making the consolation bracket, despite, you know, sucking. And congrats to Thong for being as non-essential as usual. Enjoy your jeans shorts boys.

Forman's Grillers 88.55 - Fin 85.74
And finally congrats to the Sausage King for not only making the playoffs in his first Chicken Bone season, but humbling Falafel to boot and claiming the 3 seed. Also congrats to him for being bald.

Coming later this week: Falafel's Annual Playoff Preview Extravaganza.

Not Coming later this week: Maine's wife.

Cheers bitches,
- The Commish

Week 13 Recap

OK, it's a tough week here at Commissioner HQ, so gonna make this a quick Franken-recap this week. Half-recap, half preview of next week's matchups. Enjoy...

Chief of Staff 97.57 - I Sucked Ass 75.80
Beating little Bro for the 2nd time seals up yet another season at the top of the standings for your trusty Commish. I shall gloat now. Gloat, gloat, gloat. I'm going into the playoffs with the #1 seed again and I'll be looking for revenge against one of the only two teams to beat me this year. Also, I play Bradley this last week of the season, but I get to rest my players and he doesn't. So that might help if I end up playing him in back-to-back weeks. Or something... Meanwhile, BrotherCole locks up a #2 or #3 Playoff seed and the #1 Asshole seed.

Lords of Bacon 81.79 - As Bad as Robby 73.37
Maine keeps his playoff hopes alive by pulling away from Steve (who is now actually as bad as Robby and must change his team name again). Maine needs a win this week against BroCole and will definitely get it (take a look at the defenses he's going up against this week). So then he'll just have to hope that either Mazzle or the Forman Chokers lose, depending on outside forces to decide his playoff destiny. Despite all his rage, he is still just a rat in a cage.

Achy Shipmaster 99.00 - Forman's Chokers 90.39
I say he's a big bald choker, but really, how is Forman supposed to deal with Frickin Robby putting up 99 pizzoints against him? That sucks ass. Loser of 5 of 7, The Sausage King is suddenly in the position of needing a win against the occasionally formidable Falafel. Lose this week and his sausage will be in a sticky situation. ... Meanwhile, Strobby gets to battle it out for last place and a possibility of the consolation bracket and jean shorts glory.

Seek & Destroy 77.86 - Eliminated Thong 72.49
Bradley stays clutch and Thong gets eliminated from playoff contention in a low scoring affair. Also a low scoring affair - Bradley and Thong's ugly momma. Bradley's sitch this weekend is simple - win and he's in.

Chocolate Salty Balz 121.66 - Who Gives a Rat's Ass 52.74
If there was ever a game that was cruel to both the winner and the loser, this was it. Falafel wins the too little, too late award, while irrelevant MFrank gets big time crushed and might not even make the Consol Brack. Not good times.

Enjoy this weekend folks. 3 teams, 2 spots. Sure beats the BCS.

Later hos,
The Commish

Week 12 Recap

Gobble Gobble my mofos! Your trusty recap is back is business this week with a Thanksgiving edition sure to knock your giblets off. With only two weeks to go in the regular season, the playoff picture is still at its wackiest. The Super Cole Bros are in easy like Wheezy, with only seeding at stake for them. Also at steak for them: Sirloin. Meanwhile, the Sausage Grillers are looking strong too, controlling their own destiny if not their own wife. Then there is the elusive 4-spot, which some say is even more elusive than the G-spot (both have eluded Robby for years). Bradley Mazzle is in the driver's seat, but the Law Firm of Bacon and Thong are hot on his ass. But the question for today: is past prologue? Perhaps the recap will have the answers...




Chief of Staff 111.88 - Very Very Close To As Bad As Robby 81.65
At least there was some silver lining in seeing Randell Gene Moss rip my beloved Dolphins a new hole - he also ripped Steve a new hole at the same time. (Now Steve has four and a half total holes.) Even a ham sammich wouldn't have saved him this week. Perhaps a turkey sammich? But what does this all mean for your handsome and talented Commish, you ask? Same as it ever was: First Place.

Lords of Bacon 121.50 - Exactly As Bad As Robby 51.78
Scratching and clawing back to life, like a zombified turkey, Maine wins his third game in a row to get back to five hundge and a legit shot at playoff glory. The Bacon Lords took full advantage of their soft matchup against the Fightin Friedmans, putting up the high score of the week thanks to Michael Turner once again going completely turkey shit. But I'm calling it out right here and now - Maine misses the playoffs. He will lose one of the last two weeks to finish at 7-7 and in 5th place, bitterly clinging to his guns, religion, and porn stash. Also gravy.

Sweeney Thong 80.21 - I Flunked Spanish 53.41
Speaking of comebacks, lets not forget The Man With the Golden Thong! Winner of 2 in a row and also back at five hundge, the Thong Man still has a big shot at the playoffs, especially with a de facto elimination game against Mazzle this coming week. With Tony Romo back at full strength, Thong destroyed the unimpressive Brother Cole, who save for the fist three weeks of the season, ain't all that. (That = Good) Also, BrotherCole likes the dark meat. And I don't mean turkey.

Seek & Destroy 80.34 - White Chocolate Falafel 54.25
Mazzle takes care of bidness on Monday night to keep himself in the playoff lead. But the big story here is the fall of Falafel. You can officially stick a fork in him, as he couldn't be more done. Even false hope can't save him now. Everyone can now feel free to laugh at him and his fantasy football ineptitude. Ha! Hahaha! (Also, he will gladly trade you Donovan McNabb's arm and Brian Westbrook's knee for a turkey leg and a side of stale stuffing.)

Forman's Grillers 96.82 - Moron 85.39
Big win for the Sausage King! Knocks MFrank out of the playoff chase! Turkey!


Happy Thanksgiving!
- The Commish

Week 11 Recap (Guest Written by Steve)

Recap This, Motherfuckers!

Chief of Ass 83.5 -- Aching Vagina 83.19
Thus endeth the fractional points debate. What more can poor Robby do? He traded away LT for the best overall RB in football, got 2 Rushing TDs against a Baltimore defense that gave up ONE TD ALL YEAR. He traded for Deangelo Williams who has gone ape shit (literally) in two straight weeks. And he still loses....by 0.31 points!!!! Robby, my advice to you is to start drinking heavily and to just put a bullet in your head. Trust me, your team couldn't do worse with a dead manager! Meanwhile, the Elder Cole has secured a playoff spot (I just threw up in my mouth a little). Is this not the worst playoff fantasy team EVER???? Holy Steaming Bat Shit on a Fat Free Wheat Thin!!!! This season makes me sick.

Gods of Pig Fat 77.95 -- That Schmuck I've Never Met 59.03
So, this is it folks? How does a team that has Aaron Rodgers, Bernard Berrian, Michael Turner and Anquan Boldin not have a decent chance of making the playoffs??? Apparently these guys aren't inspired enough by their coach. In the matchup of two random guys who I'm still convinced don't exist, Bald Random Guy beats Sausage Random Guy. But it's Sausage Fest Boy who's looking to make a playoff run!!! I just don't get it. Meanwhile, Sean....Tyler Thigpen???? I know he scored more points this week than Drew Brees, but you deserve to lose on general principle for using a guy named Thigpen. And Benjarvis??? Dude, read the fucking news.....you knew Sammy Morris was coming back. We have this funny little invention now called the "Internet" that gives us up-to-date information on our players. Try fucking using it!!!!

Seek and Douche 53.52 -- League of Total Incompetence 50.58
Congrats on both of you not being able to break 60! Jebus Donkey-Raping Fuck!!!! I can't believe I'm losing to both of these ass hats! And one of them is likely to make the playoffs! Playoffs???? Seriously, there's not a single noteworthy player on either team to discuss. Except, of course, the New York Football Giants Defense, which won this game for Mike!!! Oh wait, that's right....Brad won. Congratulations, Bradley. Seek and Destroy? You just found and destroyed a total moron. Feel better about yourself now? Ass clowns!!!!!

Jean Shorts Boy 85.16 -- Go Fuck Yourself 85.01
Julius Jones, -1.07. Todd Heap, 1.07. Moose Muhhamed, 1.07. Notice a trend????? I hate fantasy football. I hate the Chicken Bone Cup. And I now especially hate Tony Romo and Chris Cooley -- as a Giants fan, to lose because of a Redskin and a Cowboy is just painful. But I had it coming to me. In my other league I traded away Joseph Addai and kept TJ Housh on the bench this week -- apparently they decided to take it out on me in this league too!!! I'm now going to give myself 142 papercuts on my ballsac and sit in a vat of rubbing alcohol, as that would be less painful than continuing to watch this season unfold. Anybody else miss Fat Bobby???

I Fucked Mike Frank 88.92 -- Enter the Chick Pea's Cunt 67.17
And thus may have endeth the Falafel Regime. Unfortunately it was at the hands of a fellow former champion who has now secured the other playoff spot (I just threw up on my shoes). Seriously, the Brothers Cole have secured playoff spots and look to steamroll into the Championship game. Again. This league is becoming the Groundhog Day of Fantasy Football. Every year it's a Fucking Cole in the Championship. I say it's time to rise up and slay them, and then eat their brains so we can possess the skill (read: ridiculous luck) it has taken to make this kind of a 7 year run (Not to be confused with the seven year itch they both wake up with every morning....you know there is an ointment for that). By the way, as an aside, do you know what you call a female Peacock? A Peacunt. Just thought I'd share since it's the only thought right now keeping me from shitting myself and killing a coworker.

Week 10 Recap (Guest Written by BrotherCole)

You want a recap, here’s your fucking recap . . .

Forman’s Grillers 105.04 – Seeking Help 79.64
Grillers end their three game slide and solidify their bid for a playoff spot. On the flip side, Mazzle drops to .500 and now has to fight tooth and nail for a chance to choke in the playoffs once again. It’s a little known fact that fighting tooth and nail is literally biting and scratching. Seems like a way only a pussy would fight. I would say that’s about right for Mazzle.

Enter the Falafel 120.67 – Sayonara 82.26
Falafel gets at least 3 TDs from McNabb, Jones-Drew, and T. Jones. Now at 5-5 Falafel is like his gay pirate football team, sitting with false hope that somehow things will all fall into place. Sooner or later reality will set in for both teams and he will realize that he won’t make the playoffs in this league and his wahoos will be going to the Humanitarian Bowl instead of an ACC Championship game. At least he has no false hope in his Lions this year. As for Steve, at least he has his Giants and Gators because we both know that they are for sure going to win championships. So the question is how many years does Steve have left before Satan comes for his soul? Seriously, back to back basketball titles for the gators, a football national championship, Heisman trophy winner, Super bowl victory for the Giants and a Lakers final appearance. And here’s the clincher, a sane, attractive, woman who actually is not nauseated by Steve. I say we might need to start claiming Steve’s stuff in the next year or two.

Achy Shipmaster 80.69 – Sweeney Wrong 65.14
Achy wins! Achy wins! In his first game after trading away the number one pick, LDT, the shipmaster wins. You can just feel things turning around for Achy now that that the cancerous LDT is not infecting the rest of the team. What an amazing, intelligent move by the Shipmaster in trading LDT and cutting Kevin Walter for Jacobs and Holmes. That sharp thinking showed in Jacobs and Holmes outscoring LDT and Walter by .8 points. And folks, that’s why he is closer to pulling himself out of the cellar. Or maybe it’s because he played only one of two teams that he could mathematically have beaten this week. 65 points and a loss to Robby, for shame Thong.

Lords of Bacon 92.24 – KC Stick 85.83
As the commish pointed out last week in his recap, Maine was “done.” “Cooked.” Yet somehow Maine found a way to beat the commish and knock him from his perch atop the league. More to come on that topic. Maine was not intimidated by LDT and his 70 rushing yard average per game. Or by LDT’s 4 rushing touchdowns on the season, the same number or TDs that T.J. Duckett, Sammy Morris, BenJarvus Green-Ellis, and Michael Pittman all have. Good thing the commish didn’t trade away a running back that can actually find the end zone (without a hooker holding up a neon sign) to get LDT because that would have been really stupid. And as far as “Mr. Almost”, he is now back in the playoff picture being only one game back.

I Flunked Flank 95.67 – A league of his own 86.90
Ladies and gentlemen (and Steve), we have a new leader in the clubhouse. Yours truly is back in first place thanks to 477 yards and 3 tds in the 4th quarter from Jay Cutler. The loss most surely will cost the Morons any chance of making the playoffs while the win almost locks up a playoff spot for me.

Don’t forget that the trade deadline is this Friday. Enjoy the week and the view from below.

-I Flunked Flank

Week 9 Recap

Hey Everybody! Rejoice! It's Erection day! Where all our penile dreams... Err...hold on....I'm getting a note here... It's apparently Election Day. With an "L". Sorry. How disappointing. That's much less exciting.

In any case, I advise you to go out and vote today, if you haven't already. I'm planning on writing in the entire Dolphins defense. Obama for Cornerback! Err...or something....

Getting back to the league's electoral picture, just when you think the polls are shaking out around here, the 7, 8, 9 place teams all win to muddle up the race for the Chicken Bone Presidency. Suddenly, almost everyone but Strobby is back in the playoff hunt, with 2 games separating 3rd-7th. Let's go to the Recap Map!

Chief of Staff 72.91 Burnt Sausage with a Side of Busted Crown 68.75
Vote for Change atop the leaderboard! To make his championship candidacy almost official, your trusty Commissioner held off Senator Sean Forman in Washington DC on Monday Night Football. The working class Steeler D put a scare into the Commissioner's constituents (e.g. testicles), but alas, the intimidation factor was too much. If Senator Forman started Derek Anderson at QB or BG-Ellis instead of a missing Edge, then he would have emerged victorious. But as usual, the Commissioner's opponent was too intimidated to make the right lineup calls. After 3 straight losses, will Senator Forman (from the Great State of Denial) rebound on 11/9? Or is this the start of a permanent slide into political and fantasy obscurity?

Sweeney Thong 70.73 Jermaine Bitterman 65.74
Wow, you remember when I said almost everyone but Strobby is still alive? Hello Mr. Almost! Despite the high point total, we can stick a fork in Maine after his dismal showing this week. A Plaxico drop away from a win, alas it was not to be. He's done. Cooked. Say goodnight Mainey. Try not to be too intimidated next week. Meanwhile, Thong isn't exactly lighting the world on fire.

Enter The Falafel 85.51 OneAndEight 57.36
On Halloween weekend, Falafel officially rose from the dead! Zombie Falafel ate the tasty brains of Robby and is right back in the gooey thick of things! Plus he has a Bye next week! Do not count him out! It is very exciting! Thus the use of exclamation points! I love me some Zombies and punctuation! Wooo!!!

Bye 83.81 State of Morons 64.38
In a stunning development, dealing a crippling blow to his playoff campaign, Governor Michael Seth Frank somehow lost during his Bye week. Governor Frank would have been better off starting a Mitt than a Matt at QB. Not even Romney. Oven would have worked too. ... Meanwhile, I feel the need to reprint the Bye Week's posted trash talk: " 'Suck my hairy ass, you twatwaffle!!!' -- Queen Elizabeth" Words to live by.

I Flunked Flank 88.14 Seek & DeezNuts 60.94
Do you really want someone who relies on his kicker and defense for wins as your league champion? Do you really want another year of the same uninspired trash talk? Can you really reelect someone with such a lame team name? We can't afford a single more year of BrotherCole's failed policies! Please, join with me to defeat the opposition Cole and bring the Chicken Bone Cup back into the hands of the Cole you trust!! WE CAN DO IT! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

Happy Voting,
- The Commish

Week 8 Recap

Ahhh....a festive football weekend all around. Big wins for the Hoos, the Fins, and the Chief make Jason a happy camper.

As far as our little league is concerned, things are pretty par for the course. I've retaken my rightful place atop the standings, there are a couple of bitter bald guys, and a typically despondent Strobby is bottom-runging it. Not to mention Mazzle is on track to lose in the playoffs. All is right with the world. Time to recap...

(Though FYI...it's a little cloudy here in Fairfax today. I'll try to get through the recap without a rain delay, but I can't make any promises. But I've checked the forecast, and I think I can get it in.)

Chief of Staff 112.74 Teeny Dong 59.08
Intimidation!!! Not only did your trusty Commish continue his run of psyching his opponent into a subpar performance, he also managed to put up his best score of the year. Thong heard the footsteps and couldn't manage double digits for any of his players in the United States games. Deuce had a nice game in the UK though. Perhaps Thong should move his entire team to London permanently. I hear Queen Elizabeth plays a mean Tight End. Thong on the Thames!

Enter The Falafel 89.99 Ladies of Bacon 86.19
MNF Barnburner #1. Thanks to both Reggie and Marvin doing jack squat against the powerful Titans Defense, Falafel comes up with the big upset over Mainerd. Maine, who now has the most total points scored in the league, falls to 3-5 on the season and 2 games behind Mazzle for a playoff spot. Over the weekend, Maine also cut himself shaving his head, drank some expired milk, fell down a flight of stairs, got kicked in the balls by a midget, and mistook a tranny hooker for a regular hooker. Not good times.

League of Morons 94.60 Achy Breaky Incest 85.05
Fun Fact #1: Robby was cursing me when Anthony Fassano caught that TD for the Dolphins on Sunday, as I've been goading him in this space for weeks to bench Fassano for Dallas Clark. But he was rewarded on Monday when Clark went nuts. Robby should take back every bad thing he said about me on Sunday. A formal apology will suffice. ... Alas, Clark's 18 points weren't enough to overcome the force that was MFrank's League of Morons. Even without Purple Jesus, the League put up a big 94 points and has moved into quasi-legitimate contention for a playoff spot. If only he wasn't working too much at the League of Doom to enjoy it. ... Fun Fact #2: Robby would have been better off starting Carmen Sandiego at Defense rather than San Diego. Where in the world was the San Diego D? Oh right, London.

Seek & Destroy 102.84 No Thanks 63.20
Bradley continues his impressive run up the standings with another impressive win against the unimpressive Steven G. Rappaport. Impressively, Bradley is doing all this without his first 3 draft picks - RMoss, LJ, and Maroney. This either tell us that draft picks are overrated...or Bradley is. Draw your own conclusions.

I Flunked Flank 72.14 Sausage Serf 66.02
MNF Barnburner #2. Forman goes down for a 2nd straight week, falling from first to third place, thanks to Rob Bi-ron-ass on Monday Night. At least he got put out of his misery quickly, as two first quarter figgies did him in. Also of note, is that Sean is still bald. Also also of note is that he's planning on making it a 3 game losing streak against the Commish this coming weekend. He doesn't want any of this shiz. Also also also of note, is that for a matchup of two top teams, this was another low scoring affair. Perhaps these two teams peaked too soon? Also.

Cheers!
- The Commish

Week 7 Recap

Halfway home homies! We're approximately 50% done with the regular season, so let's see where we stand:

In his inaugural season, The Sausage King is in line for a loss in the first round of the playoffs. And despite his/my craptastic total points, your trusty Commish is also in plenty good shape for a playoff berth. (Side note: I never know whether the Commish should write my recaps in the 1st or 3rd person. Suggestions welcome to him/me.) BrotherCole is also unfortunately also looking at a playoff spot - figuring 8-6 will get ya in this year, he only needs to go 3-4 over the last half. So that's 3 teams. Leaving Mazzle, Maine, and Thong to fight over the last spot, all hovering around .500. (No I didn't forget about MFrank.) And Strobby/Falafel bring up the rear (which is how they like it because they are gay homosexuals who are bad at fantasy football and console themselves by sticking their...well...you get the point.) So that's the skinny (Except for Maine, who is fat. And bald).

Onto the recap! But before the recap, we have a special message for Brother Cole from Wahoo nation:

SUCK IT TAR HEEL!

Chief of Staff 93.74 Exit The Falafel 66.03

Playing Falafel almost feels like picking on the retarded kid at this point. Remember when he used to be feared and respected in this league? (Well, at least feared.) Falafel is No More. This past weekend, The Artist Formerly Known As Falafel put up another terrible score. TAFKAF got nary a point from McNabb, Westbrook, or Jones Drew. It's hard to win when your studs don't produce. In lieu of flowers, TAFKAF requests that you send underage Asian Hookers.

League of Morons 106.94 Turds of Bacon 75.99
MFrank Keeps Kosher and trounces the Lords of Trafe! Putting up over a hund, MFrank won in part from a huge day from the Adrian Peterson, aka Purple Jesus. What this means is that MFrank is officially a Jew for Jesus. ... On the flip side of the shekel, Maine slipped under .500 yet again, despite an even bigger day from Steven Jackson (aka Yellow Moses). Too bad the rest of his team didn't show up. Even Michael Turner (aka Red Buddha) couldn't gain a single yard.

Seek & Destroy 111.08 Robby's Team is Sooo Bad 62.40
Rather than belabor the point that Robby has a very, very bad team who isn't very good and will be lucky to win another game and has a 6 game losing streak and generally sucks ass... rather than belabor that, let's talk about the Mazzle Express. His team is firing on all cylinders now. He's got everything going for him and set up great for the second half of the season: His RBs don't hit women, eat a lot, or get knee injuries. And his WRs aren't mediocre at all! Plus his QB looked awesome this past weekend and repeatedly connected with a stud WR coming back from injury. So everything's coming up Mazzle!

I Flunked Flank 64.49 Del Crappa Vista 62.17
I believe Stevie and BroCole have already said what needs to be said on the message board. But let's not forget that BOTH of these teams put up crappy scores and really neither of them deserved to win. After a fast start to the season, the Flank Flunker has slowed down considerably lately and is not looking so strong. Meanwhile, Steve is lactose intolerant.

Sweeney Thong 113.03 Forman Grilled 71.36
Down goes Forman! Down goes Forman! The Sausage King is bitter that Thong's Chicago Defense scored 22 fantasy points despite giving up 41 points in real life. He's gotta remember, this is FANTASY football. If you want realism, go rent some HD porn. Also, even if Thong got zippy from Chicago's defense, The Sausage King still would have lost by double digits. ... Meanwhile, very quietly, The Thong from Hotlanta is heating up and might just have the best team in the league right now. Or maybe not. What the hell do I know?

See ya!
- The Commish

Week 6 Recap

Hey folks, it's busy as shiz over here at the Commish mansion, so apologies for the belated recap. Wait, scratch that. You can stuff those sorries in a sack. I ain't getting paid for this, so you'll take what you get when you get it and like it. Bitches.

Anyhow, as you can probably tell, I'm still fired up from the weekend's Dolphins Debacle. I threw up in my mouth at the end of that thing, as it was the first game we Fins Fans cared about in about two years, and we had our frickin hearts torn out. (And mostly by a former Hurricane and Wahoo to boot). And speaking of former Wahoos, I'm guessing Thong had an even worse Sunday. But more on that below. For it's time for Recap VI: The Recappening!


Chief of Staff 48.99 League of Shit 38.24
3 Words: Dom. In. Ant. That's right. In another dominating performance, your trusty Commish trounces MFrank by double digits and keeps his stranglehold on 2nd place. You do not want a part of Chief of Staff right now. You do not want any of this. ... OK, fine. This was a debacle. I'm not sure if we set a record for least combined points, but if not, we should have. Bad lineup decisions, bad defenses, bad byes. Swollen egos, swollen reputations, swollen testicles. Injuries, negative points, and hot garbage. You name it, this matchup sucked it. As of about 5:30 PM on Sunday, I had a total of 8 points. League of MFrank didn't have a single player reach 10 points. I could go on, but you get the point. Bottom line: Brandon Jacobs is the man, and despite the downward trend, I'm looking good for the playoffs. And in general. Looking good, that is. :-)


Lords of Bacon 106.76 Meek & Destroyed 89.21
Does Maine have the best team in the league? It's certainly possible. Right now it's between him, BroCole, and The Sausage King. He's putting up a crapload of points every week, even with people on byes. Bradford C. Mallimazien scored decently this week, but he was no match for the power that is Jermaine F. Peguese. He moves back into a 4th place playoff position and nothing can go wrong for him now. Nothing.


I Flunked Flank 89.83 Sinking Shipmaster 78.53
It's so cute when Robby tries to be competitive. He's like a little puppy nipping at your leg. Or crapping on your carpet. Either way, it's just so adorable! .. In other Robby news, we need to stage an intervention. I know you have blinding love for the Dolphins and all, but you can't keep starting Anthony Fassano over Dallas Clark. You can't! I know you had some "logic" for the move, but it needs to stop. We love you man. You can't keep going on like this. I miss my cousin...


Forman's Grillers 93.58 Del Taco 80.96
Everything's coming up Sausage! Even with one Colston tied behind his back, Mr. Forman continues his lifetime chicken bone undefeated record. .. But you want to know a dirty little secret? His team isn't that good. It really isn't. He realistically, should be in about 7th or 8th place right now, if you do all the math. He's a paper tiger, not worthy of a playoff spot, let alone an undefeated record. He's going to lose to the Thong this week, and then lose again, and lose some more, and then keep losing. Those are just facts. Facts and math. You can't argue with facts and math. You just can't.


Enter The Falafel 139.13 Thong-tha-Thong-Thong-Thong 79.83
Meanwhile, speaking of Thong, man did he have a bad Sunday! Not only did his beloved Redskins blow a home game to the lowly Rams, but he got crushed by his so called "friend" Falafel. Then he found out that his stud (and only) QB is out with a stinky picky for the next month. And all this week, he's dealing with crappy QB trade offers from the huddled masses out there in Chicken Bone Land. Not good times. ... In the other corner, Falafel reared his ugly head with a huge score, and is sorta kinda back in the hunt. (That's not the only head he reared, if you get my drift.) (If you don't get my drift, I'm implying that Travis has anal sex with other men.)


Cheers fools!
- The Commish

Week 5 Recap

Hey there, chumps and chumpettes. That was a thoroughly enjoyable weekend of college football for just about everyone not named Robby in the league. Big wins for the Hoos, Tarheels, Panthers, and Gators. (And nobody cares about the Hurricanes these days. How sad is that?). And things were equally festive on Sunday, with the Fins continuing to impress. (I'm naming my next child "Wildcat Cole.") But alas, only approximately 50% of the league could win their fantasy matchups. Time to Live Free or Recap Hard:

Seek & Destroy 73.08 Chief of Cocky 64.00
A Brandon Jacobs start away from remaining undefeated, alas, it was not to be for your trusty Commish. Bradley Charles Malemezian continues his hot streak with a low-ish point total, but a big-ish win. After starting out 0-2, he's now primed nicely for a playoff run. On the flip side, your Commish now realizes his team actually sucks and is in all out panic mode.

Lords of Bacon 105.74 I Flunked Football 97.22
In the barnburner of the week, Maine relied on a big Bernard Berrian performance on MNF to defeat the scourge that is BrotherCole. Also of interest, the term barnburner was derived from the idea of someone who would burn down his own barn to get rid of a rat infestation. So what this means is that BrotherCole is a rat, whom Maine set on fire? Or is Ronnie Brown the fire and John Carlson the rat? Or is Maine's toupee the rat, and BrotherCole's vagina the fire? This is all getting confusing.

Del Boca Vista 92.07 Achy From the Rape 48.16
Stevie is coming on strong! After firing General Manager Turd Ferguson, Steve Rappaport has become the class of the league, winning Strobby Bowl XIV by a healthy margin. His 2 wins in a row over the retarded portion of the league no doubt endeared him to Sarah Palin yesterday, you betcha! (Yes, Steve actually met her yesterday. Rumors of Steve getting a blow job from the VP Candidate are unconfirmed as of press time) .. In other news, Robby was horribly shell-shocked from his Terps getting crushed. (get it? shell-shocked?!? ha!) Anyhow, that's the only explanation I can come up with for him starting Trent Edwards over Big Ben and Anthony Fassano over Dallas Clark. Perhaps he should also fire his general manager, depicted here in this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1Q6h0p6faU

Sweeney Thong 115.92 Moron of Morons 65.74
Thong makes an attempt at league relevance with a bold statement this week. He killed MoronFrank and manged the high point total of the week (which gets him nothing but this pat on the back, but still...). Do not count out the Thong people. He has never looked this strong this late in the season. Watch your ass cracks. .. Meanwhile, I go mentioning Moron Frank in a column last week and this is what he puts up? Now he knows why I don't talk about him.

Forman's Grillers 99.31 The Fallen Falafel 49.78
Another big week for The Sausage King, who is now alone, undefeated, in first place. Falafel, on the other hand, is in dead last place. If not for the big UVA win, I'd call the San Diego police suicide hotline for him. How far he has fallen from the elite of the league. We used to count on you man! What happened!? I have no explanation.

- The Commish

News and Notes

Party People!

In lieu of a proper recap, where I carefully opine on the previous weekends events, instead you get a 4 days late post of late night ramblings that may or may not make any sense. I think that's a fair trade!

- First off I'll mention Mike Frank, who is miffed that I never talk about him or his team. There. Happy now, pretzel boy?

- Next, I must congratulate the only other team aside from myself with a 4-0 record: The Buffalo Bills. Oh, and also the Sean Forman Sausage Grilling Machine. As you all no doubt remember, I predicted Sean to go 4-10 on the season. So congrats on the fast start, Mr. Forman. And I'm sorry that you're going to lose your next 10 games.

- For a matchup of undefeated powerhouses, The Brothers Cole both put up piss poor totals last weekend. Fortunately for everyone in the league that roots against him (9 out of 10 teams), "I Fucked Frank" was piss-poorer. So once again, in the words of Desmond Hume, suck it brothah!

- Fun Fact #1: I have won 18 of my last 19 regular season games. That's a lot of winning.

- Fun Fact #2: UVA lost to Dook 31-3. As I type this post, UVA is beating the Maryland Twerps 31-0. That means that MD would lose to Dook 62-3 (which is exactly the same score my high school football team lost homecoming my senior year). And what does this all mean? Nothing except this: SUCK IT ROBBY!

- Falafel is getting increasingly bitter about everything. Please don't call a press conference. You can get help.

- Mazzle: Congrats on putting up 2 huge weeks to get right back in the thick of things. Too bad you're facing the nightmare that is me this week. "You crawl back in, but your luck runs out-TAH"

- More congrats go to Steve for his first win of the season. I'm sure that helped to couch the blow of another Mets collapse and a Gator upset. Otherwise he might have called a "press conference" on Monday.

- Thong picked the wrong season to stop sniffing glue.

Cheers Bitches! Enjoy your Sundays!
- The Commish

Week 3 Recap

Well, well, well. Before the league stuff, I just need to rejoice for just a sec here: Woo hoo! Dolphins! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Effing Brown!!! Go Effing Fins!!! ... It's been way too long since we Dolphin fans had a chance to be that happy on a Sunday in a non-fantasy way. I had almost forgotten what it felt like. (FYI...damn good.)

Now to league bidness. Things certainly are shaking out early around here. 3 games into the season and already there are three discrete groups of teams - the haves, the have-nots, and the "Steves". The haves, all at 3-0, include the Bros Cole and a surprise expansion team (more about all of them later). On the other hand, the have-nots are already fighting over the 4th and final playoff spot like fish on chips. But enough preamble, lets Recap With a Vengeance:


Chief of Staff 96.50 The Stevie Bunch 51.13
I should really change my team name to something that doesn't have Chief in the title. Because man, the Chiefs are a really baaaad football team. How bad are they? So bad, they're calling Steve for advice. ... Maybe I'll change my name to the Chefs or something. Hmmm..I guess I can call Steve for advice on changing my team name. That's something he's actually good at. ... And Hmmm..I just ended that last sentence with a preposition, but it looks right to me. What else would I have written? "That's something at which he's actually good"? "That which he's actually good is something"? "Steve sucks"? Except for that last one, those all sound worse, not better, dammit. Can't we all just agree that ending a sentence with a preposition isn't necessarily a bad thing and should be legal in our league? I'd like to put this up for a rule change for next year. Oh right, and I also kicked Steve's ass this week wherefore.


Lords of 4th Place 80.87 Leaky Shipmaster 67.48
Now maybe Mr. 189 can quit his whiny, vagina-flapping bitching. In one week, with one win, Maine has vaulted from a winless 8th place to a playoff spot. How? Because those overall points which he was decrying last week are the all-important tie-breaker for this league. I'm guessing he's not going to bitch about anything this week (aside from his poor guitar-playing skills). ... Also, I would be remiss if I didn't point out the obvious in that Maine set an inglorious league record for most points by an individual bench player. Ronnie Effing Brown scored 38.51 Effing fantasy points this week and this was Maine's reaction after each touchdown:

TD1: "Hmm, maybe I should have started him."
TD2: "Damn, I definitely should have started him."
TD3: "Damn! Well at least this helps his trade value."
TD4 (passing): "Damn!!!" (Eyes get all misty, about to cry.)
TD5: (Delirious laughing, rolling on the floor, and then peeing his pants)

Also, Robby loses 2 row and would have been better off starting The Captain and Tennille than Fast Willie and Big Ben.


I Flunked Flank 104.42 Demon Thong of Fleet Street 77.86
Another commanding performance by BrotherCole, who has topped 100 points every week so far and is looking like the team to beat, even with Shockey hurt. At this point, he's expected to win the title, and anything less would be a disappointment. .. On the flip side, once Thong does something interesting in this league, I'll be sure to write about it. Keep me posted!


Seek & Destroy 102.22 Falawful 57.59
Well look who decided to show up! It's the Mazzle Express, hurtling out of nowhere to score over 100 points, almost doubling up the Artist Formerly Known As Falafel. Wow, it must have been Mazzle's birthday yesterday or something. (BTW, Happy Birthday Brad!) Good luck next week, when he tries to win in a non-birthday situation. .. Meanwhile, Falafel should be pleased because his team looks GREAT on paper. They are the paper all-stars. Too bad he got reamed this week (rim shot).


Forman's Grillers 82.51 League of Morons 52.21
Finally, we've reached the nameless expansion team who is somehow 3-0 - Sean "Effing" Forman! Ladies and gentlemen, despite keeping kosher, The Sausage King has come to play! He has showed up into your league and broughten it on. You going to take that shit?! MFrank took that shit this week, and it wasn't even the secret shit. Robby, you get Sean's shit next week. You gonna take the shit back from him?! Don't let him keep your shit. You show him your shit and you win the shit. That's what you fuckin do!


- The Commish

Week 2 Recap

Howdy Folks,

Welcome to Recap 2: Recap Harder! The big news this week was the insanely high scores put up in both the NFL and this league. These scores were higher than Thong's dad on meth. They were higher than Steve "Urkel" Rappaport's pants. They were higher than the commish's hair at his bar mitzvah. So, what I'm saying I guess, is that they were high and stuff.

But how did they get so high, you ask out loud, making your coworkers wonder why you're talking to the computer screen and if maybe they need to report you to the boss on the suspicion of being a lunatic and besides they think you might have stolen their leftovers from the Cheesecake Factory out of the fridge because a half-a-salad doesn't just walk away on its own and go join the Lettuce Navy, because that would be crazy. So, uh, recap anyone?


Forman's Grillers 122.01 Lords of Ham 108.36

The newbies came to play! In the hottest action of the weekend, Mr. Forman takes the Michael Tamayo Memorial Bald Guy Trophy with a huge performance from T.O. on Monday Night Football. Maine technically did nothing wrong (aside from drafting overrated running backs), but he just ran up against a buzzsaw this week. In honor of the Sausage King notching the high score of the week and moving to 2-0 on the young season, I'll note here that Sean is technically "balding" and not "bald". (Just like Maine's mom is technically a "slut" and not a "whore.")


Thong 113.70 The Non-Brady Bitch 93.68

The law firm of Manning, Earnest, and Gostkowski got thrown out of court in this high-stakes trial by fire. The plaintiff, Mr. Richard Spady, won a victory thanks partially to the testimony of a Mr. Romo and the evidence provided by Monsignor McFadden. (Though the argument brought by a one Senior Houshmandzadeh had to be ignored by the jury after finding out that he a) wasn't a US Citizen and b) sucked.) Also, Steve lost because of a priori assumption, consensus facit legem, and de facto habeas corpus esquire. Also, no Tight End.


I Flunked Flank 119.94 Left Hand Falafel 92.29

In yet another barn burner, BrotherCole bested Falafel in this battle of washed-up former champs. BroCole goes to 2-0, owes someone named "Big Guns" Ed money, and still needs a Tight End. Falafel still loves his Eagles, doesn't have a Tight End either, and sniffs glue for fun.



Chief of Staff 86.39 Achy-Breaky Assmaster 63.05

In the non-redonkulous division, your humble Commish turns in another consistent performance to turn back the Seaman and move to 2-0 on the season. The Man has won 16 of his last 17 regular season games, dating back to 2006. In loser news, Robby needs a healthy toe (camel or otherwise) for LDT, a Defense for Hanukkah (preferably before), and a Tight End.



Team of Morons 60.90 Seek & Destroy & Suck & Cry 47.73
Wow, really? I mean, really??? Can we all vote to give both of these teams a loss this week? I think we can do that kind of thing in a PLUS league. In a week like this, these two teams just set the mark for futility. Other than Bradley needing a Tight End, I have nothing else to say here. I mean....wow. Just wow.

Peace,
- The Commish

Week 1 Recap

My Friends,

Welcome to the first recapulation of Aught 8! The big fantasy news this week dealt with the horrific ACL injury to a key player. The best player on the team at his position, he'll miss the entire season with the injury, dealing a big blow to his owner. That's right, I'm talking about the crushing loss of Nate Burleson. (What? You didn't think gave a Steve's ass about a player on someone else's team, did you?)

In our league news, though some of the faces might change, the names at the top remain the same. C'mon people! Falafel and the Coles are 1, 2, and 3 already?!? That was fast, even for the lowly standards set around here. Joining us with wins were Sean "Sausage King" Forman with his historic first Chicken Bone victory and Robby "Robby" Friedman with his historic first Chicken Bone victory. But how did it all go down, you ask, pleadingly? Let's recap away...

Chief of Staff 87.07 Lords of Turkey Bacon 80.97
Also historic this week was Maine's first (of many) losses in this league. Despite tasking Michael Turner to anally rape me between the hours of 1 and 4, he got little support from the rest of his players not named Reggie Wayne. Of interest was the fact that Marshawn Lynch outscored Stephen Jackson by roughly the same amount your Commish outscored Maine. Also of interest is that Maine is bald.

Achy Shipmaster 77.00 Wrong Thong 55.20
In the Junior division, Robert Roughed Up Richard to the tune of a 22 point win, with more than half of his points coming from "Big" and "Fast." He's on pace for a perfect season, folks! And as per usual around here, the less said about Rich's team, the better. But more importantly than any of that, I need to state that I do not trust Robby's avatar one little bit. That is one sketchy seaman. Looks like he just fucked a whale. And not the blowhole, if you catch my meaning. (Though I would chip in 5 bucks to have Robby show up to next year's draft wearing that Captain's hat.)

GoodFalafels 79.01 Tom Brady's Knee Is Diseased 43.06
Do you know what's really sad for Steve, other than the usual blah blah blah Tom Brady ACL Season Over Rubber Dildo blah blah blah? It's that even if Brady was healthy the whole game, and even if he matched the 25+ fantasy points McNabb gave Falafel, Stevie still would have lost by double digits. And if Falafel played a dead squirrel at TE instead of Todd Heap, it would have been even worse. ... It's been nice knowing ya Stevie, glad you could join us, and have a nice fall. .. And then there were nine...

I Flunked Flank 100.34 Owner of Morons 51.20
With the high score and the big trouncing of the week, Mr. Brother gets off to a fast start with solid efforts from everyone except the corpse of Torry Holt (who was still better than MFrank's corpse of Isaac Bruce).

Forman's Grillers 77.21 Metallica Rulez! 67.86
He sweated it out for nothing last night, contributed little to our bar trivia team, and didn't realize that Special Teams touchdowns don't count toward defense. And this was Sean, the guy that won! How can we explain that? Oh yeah, Mazzle was so consumed by the thought of the new Metallica album, he forgot to draft a decent fantasy squad. His team includes guys named Larry, Laurence, Laveraneus, and LenDale. What the L?! You can't win with names like that! Also of interest is that Sean is bald.

Onto next week, after which there will be only 2 undefeated teams left, as I play Robby, BrotherCole plays Falafel, and no way The Sausage King goes 2-0 (even if he is playing Maine in "Newbie Bowl I").

- The Commish