Year End Awards

Hey everybody. Hope you all are having a great holiday season, stuffing yourselves silly, enjoying the last vestiges of football, and generally enjoying some festive downtime. Thanks for another ridiculous season of fantasy football. Time to dole out a few year-end awards around here.

Best Team Name: The Electric Bacon - just makes me happy inside
Worst Team Name: The Goy's Teeth - worst Coen Brothers' reference yet

Best Draft Pick: Wes Welker, 5th Round, Falafel
Worst Draft Pick: Rashard Mendenhall, 1st Round, Commish

Best Message Board Quote: "I'm going to enjoy barely eeking out a win against you and your half-roster this week. If I somehow lose, I will rape a squirrel." - Steve
Worst Message Board Quote: "I want a Toyota Medal" - Sean

Best English Major: Steve, for the proper and hilarious use of the word "septuagenarian"
Worst English Major: Falafel, for not knowing the difference between Clenched and Clinched

Best Luck: Brother Cole (10th year in a row)
Worst Luck: Mike Frank, who had the 2nd highest point total, but finished his usual 7-7

Best Waiver Wire Pickup: Falafel, Cam Newton
Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Your Moms
Dennis Northcutt Memorial Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Nate Burleson, multiple people

Waiver Wire Champ: Steve, regaining his crown
Waiver Wire Chump: Thong, tha thong thong thong

Best Cinematography: Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Worst Cinematography: Robby's underground porno vido, which includes a goat, fishnet stockings, baby oil, and $240 worth of pudding.

Poster of the Year: A solid year for posting all around, as everyone picked up their games. This year's award has to go to Steve-o though, as he is clearly insane, and I'd be risking my life in giving it to anyone else.

Mr Irrelevant: Bradley

Peace Out,
- The Commish

Playoff Recap/Preview Extravaganza

So it all comes down to this: an unpredictable season, capped by an unwanted championship game. But how did we get to this unimaginable place? Let's throw our hands up and find out...


A Tiger in Africa? 117.27 The Electric Bacon 108.36
"More Than Meets The Eye Of The Tiger"
Thanks to San Francisco and their city's Transformers, BrotherCole shot right past Maine on Monday night to pull off the unlikely upset. Even though oddsmakers (ok...Sean and I) only gave Michael a 30%-35% shot at winning going into yesterday, Frank Gore and the Niner D took care of business. He also got big contributions from CJ Spiller and Aaron Hernandez, who both had their best fantasy days ever. So, in conclusion...the luck on this motherfucker!!! .... In the other corner, sits Maine and the Green Bay Packers, fortunes intertwined, sobbing into bacon and cheese with the rest of Wisconsin. It was a great season though, and no matter how you slice it, Maine was able to successfully ignore his wife and daughters much more than he or they thought possible. And that's gotta count for something.


Falafel 1st Seed 105.19 Team of Density 87.15
"The Bad Seed"
So Falafel puts up his usual 105-ish and makes it to the championship game free and easy-like. Being the first seed has its privileges, and in this case it was not having to go up against Maine or Michael, both of whom would have beaten him. Instead he got poor old Steve, who had been playing over his head so long, his arms were about to fall off. (Or something.) When the star of your team in the playoffs is Donald Brown, then you know you got issues. Time for Steve to gear up for the all-important 3rd place game. Meanwhile, Falafel is already starting to worry about his lineup for this weekend. Hope he doesn't choose the wrong starters at the worst time.


We now interrupt this regularly scheduled recap for a Jean Shorts update...
Jean Shorts Update 2011!!!
It's down to Robby and Mike Frank in the consolation bracket. Personally, I'm rooting for Mike, as his legs would look terrific in a pair of cutoffs. Mmmm... Happy Hanukkah guys!



Championship Game Preview Extravaganza
Falafel(-3.5) vs. BrotherCole
So Yahoo has Travis favored by a bit, but their projections are about as reliable as Steve on a rainy day. So let's break this down, Dr. Jack-style:

QB
Both Cam Newton and Matt Ryan are coming off big weeks and have easy matchups. But a slight nod has to go to Cam, with his running ability and his Tampa opponent appearing to have quit on the season. Small Advantage: Falafel

WR
The big question here, is will Travis somehow fit Mike Wallace back into his lineup, and if so, who does he sit? Either way, Wes Welker and Roddy White give him 2 great studs, with two good matchups. Michael has depth at wide-out too, but with Fitzgerald on the road outdoors, Jordy Nelson going up against the Bears defense, and Laurent Robinson going against the Eagles all-star secondary, he's looking at a tougher road for his guys. Advantage: Falafel

RB
Looking at Running Backs, it's hard to see how Falafel won't be favored here as well. French Sean McCoy has been putting up MVP stats the past month and Beanie Wells has been putting up stats too. Throw in the potential of Bradshaw in the flex spot, and you have a tough trio. However, all of them are on the road, Wells has been fighting a knee injury, Bradshaw splits carries with Jacobs, and McCoy is due for a bad game. Still, they're better than Gore and Spiller, despite what those guys just did in Week 15. Advantage: Falafel

TE
Aaron Hernandez is clearly better than anything Travis has. Advantage: Michael

K
Akers gets the slight nod over Crosby, but who the fuck knows? These are kickers we're talking about. Advantage: Even

DEF
Michael's Niners defense has been hot lately and is going against a one-dimensional Seattle offense. Meanwhile, The Jets defense is good, but can be exploited by the right offense, which in this case, is the Giants. Advantage: Michael

Overall, after looking at everything, it's clear that Falafel is the big favorite going into this weekend. It's hard to see how he is going to lose.

Prediction: Falafel 101 BrotherCole 88

Final Thoughts: Contrary to popular opinion, I'll be rooting for my brother this weekend. Sure, he's an asshole, but he's my asshole. Plus, he's been quasi-humble about his team this year, you know, for him. So go bro. I guess...

Hope everyone has an awesome Festivus, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, New Year’s, or whatever!

- The Commish

Week 13 Recap - Playoff Scenarios

One week to go, and a silly number of teams are still in it. That's the good news. The bad news is I have to figure out the playoff scenarios for this shit. Here we go...

*1. Falafel 1st Seed 10-3-0
He's in like Donkey Kong. Everyone is rooting for him this week, and nobody is rooting for him after this week.

*2. The Electric Bacon 8-5-0
Clinched the 2nd seed. This week is more irrelevant to Maine than the vegetable options at a breakfast buffet.

3. A Tiger in Africa? 7-6-0
Beat Falafel this week and he's in. Lose and he would need an extremely unlikely point differential help to make it. Basically, he would need to outscore the winner of Robby and Rich, if Steve loses, or if Steve wins, then he would need to outscore the winner of that or the winner of Brad/Mike, unless it's a full moon, carry the 7...er.....ok...fuck it...Lose and he's out.

Disclaimer: Due to the unlikely event of large swings in point differentials, plus my laziness, all remaining playoff analysis, unless otherwise stated below by the undersigned, follows the existing point differential paradigm listed in the current league standings esquire.

4. Team of Density 7-6-0
All Steve has to do is beat the last place team to advance to the playoffs. That's it. That's all. He's got it made in the shade. Lose, however, and he's out. But why even think like that? He's got it. No problem. Go Steve!!!!!! Make us proud!!!

5/6. The Goy's Teeth 6-7-0 / FrayedEndsofSanity 6-7-0
The loser of this matchup is D-U-N, done. The winner definitely makes the playoffs with BOTH Steve and BrotherCole losing. If only one of them loses, then to make it, the Brad/MFrank winner needs to stay ahead of the Robby/Rich winner in total points and recite the alphabet while hopping backwards in a straight line.

7/8. The Choot Spas 6-7-0 / Captain Amerithong 6-7-0
The loser of this matchup is out, drinking egg-nog in their underwear on the couch while the playoffs are starting. The winner definitely makes the playoffs with BOTH Steve and BrotherCole losing. If only one of them loses, then to make it, the Robby/Rich winner needs to move ahead of the Brad/MFrank winner in total points and fist a midget under the mistletoe.

9. Major Blowhard 6-7-0
I'll be back.

10. Clinched Last Place 3-10-0
The team name speaks for itself. Happy Hanukkah, Seanie!

Good night and good luck,
The Commish

Week 12 Recap - Mediocrity!

Hi! Hope everyone had an outstanding Thanksgiving and that every last one of you have successfully pooped out all of the food that you ingested for 4 days straight. That is my holiday wish to you.

Meanwhile, I come back here to find out that we're all as mediocre and bunched together as the AFC West. So let's see how we got here...


Major Spyhard 75.10 Team of Dentistry 57.66
A man of intrigue, he lives for the thrill
Always has places to go, and people to kill
Danger is the game he plays, and he holds every card
Cause if you wanna win, you gotta spy haaaard!

So my thoroughly lousy team is 6-6, and thanks to the rest of you yahoos, now I'm saddled with false hope. Thanks for THAT. I beat Steve this week, as his team has pretty much continued to suck. His strategy of only starting players with generic last names (Jackson, Brown, Turner, Brown, Johnson, Hanson, Cincinnati) somehow didn't pay off with a victory. He's now predictably - as in I predicted it 6 weeks ago - lost 4 in a row and 5 of 6 to complete his free fall down to my sad level.


Clenched Ass Place 94.19 A Tiger in His Pants and Everyone's Invited? 58.19
How is Sean beating both Coles in back-to-back weeks, for no reason whatsoever? Is he invoking the power of Tebow to get his team to play better defense? There's no explanation that makes sense here, and don't tell me it's because DeAngello Williams scored 2 touchdowns because that's a damn lie. This has got to be the first time in the history of the league that a team in last place has beaten both Coles in back-to-back weeks and is also bald. I'm on the phone with the Elias Sports Bureau right now.... Meanwhile, BrotherDuke is scuffling right now and could find himself out of the playoff picture if he's not careful around here the next two weeks.


ClenchedUpAPlayoffSpot 113.23 The Goy's Cariology 87.65
So Travis is the first person to officially clinch a playoff spot, even if he doesn't know the meaning of the word. His team went buck-ass-wild this week, but that's probably little solace after the eggs that the Hoos and Lions laid. It could be worse though... Speaking of worse, MikeFrank is in 4th place now, precariously holding onto both his balls and the last playoff spot. His loss, coupled with the Giants' and Hoos' turds, makes him the loser of the week! Congratulations Mike! You've earned it!


The Hand You Chas 84.29 The Electric Turkey Bacon 72.81
So Maine lost, but he's still in pretty good shape. I mean in this league. In general, he's in TERRIBLE shape! He gets winded going from the couch to the fridge to get another beer and turkey leg. And that's just Thanksgiving. On Halloween, he yells "Trick of Meatloaf!" But I digress. He's fine. He's making the playoffs. Nothing to see here. ... On the flipside, Robby got a much needed win thanks to Thomas Brady and is 6-6 like the rest of the damn league. He's still in it, despite, you know, being Robby.


Green Thongtern 127.32 Mazzle-Muzzle 89.26
This just in: Drew Brees is good. And for this week, so was Thong's team. He pretty much dashed Bradley's hope of making the playoffs. Both teams go to 5-7 and can pretty much start gearing up for fantasy basketball now. I hear Detlef Schrempf is pretty good too.


Gobble, gobble muthafuckas!!
- The Commish

Week 11 Recap - Mainely Drivel

Welcome to your Week 11 recap and I'm your substitute recapper. The kindly commish asked me to fill in for him this week since he's on Thanksgiving vacation in Florida, and, apparently, hip deep in so much poultry that he can't reach a computer.

Commissioner Blow Hard vs. Sean The Anti-Clinch

If Jason had rolled this squad out last season, we'd be thinking, "Man, that's a dominant roster. Hey, aren't Julio Jones and AJ Green still in college? The Commish is getting cocky!" But sadly, this is 2011 and I have to type things like:

• Willis McGahee would have scored more points if he got injured during beast mode warm-ups.
• Santonio Holmes with only a 2.6? Must have been a really, really cold swimming pool.

So, yeah, he lost. But Miami won (and scored a lot of points with their defense), so things netted out.

Meanwhile, Sean is enjoying a big win from his couch in the league's basement and now, thanks to Jay Cutler's broken pacifier... er... thumb injury and Vick's bum McRibs, he'll have to find a plan C at quarterback that isn't Josh Freeman.

Electric Baconloo vs. FrayedEndsofSanityNoSpaces

Tim Tebow is fun. Not since Jim Abbott have we seen a professional athlete that was this successful despite a glaring handicap. Enjoy the freakshow, everyone. Has Tebow now supplanted Forrest Whittaker as the world's most successful retarded person? Serious question. I still think it's very close.

Anyway, thanks to a famously crap performance by Deion Branch on Monday, I continue my mild march toward the playoffs, despite an unhealthy and useless affinity for Roy Helu.

Shaft in Africa vs. Bucky Thong

I don't know how you guys feel about it, but I love the thing the Commish does where he makes fun of everyone's team names in these recaps. It's my favorite part of doing recaps for him.

This was one of those matchups where every player offered up a pretty middlin' game of the year except Jordy Nelson and Vincent Jackson. Both teams underperformed versus their projections and, luckily, Mike's team won the war of attrition. High fives to all.

Also, I can't believe there's a guy named Doug Baldwin in the NFL. That's a car salesman - not a wide receiver.

Gronkowski, Stafford & Associates vs. The Goy's NY Giants

Matt Stafford is a good bad quarterback. His accuracy is awful, but his arm strength is good, so occasionally you'll get games like this where he puts up five TDs and two INTs. That's a good thing. Too bad his teammates Jackie Battle and Brandon Jacobs couldn't muster any support. This could have been a better matchup.

Mike Frank takes the win and the fourth spot in the playoffs. And I admit - if his roster didn't have Reggie Wayne on it, I'd be very scared. Lots of potent scorers in there. He could take the cup easily.

Clinched Up Sandusky Smile vs. Chootie Choot

Fortunately for Travis, Robby played one of the crappest games of the year and 65 points was enough to win comfortably. I'd expect this kind of droll performance from the likes of Early Doucet, Buffalo and Michael Jenkins, but Tom Brady? He looked awful last night.

Travis continues to have a steely grip on first place and, considering UVa just beat FSU, he could be having his best week ever.

Week 9 Recap - "Better Late Than Never"

OK, so if 2 weeks ago was as predictable as a Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy, this past weekend was as unpredictable as the new Muppets movie where Miss Piggy is revealed to be a dude in puppet drag. So under the category of ya just never know, here's your belated recap...


Major Blowhard 113.69 Captain Amerithong 112.49
Like the Dolphins, apparently my team only shows up once a year. Unfortunately for Rich, it was the one weekend his team showed up as well. Somehow this matchup of crappy teams was the highest scoring of the week. It took an unlikely performance from Mendenhall and Cundiff on Sunday night to complete the unlikely comeback, but when it was all said and done, your trusty commish still isn't going to make the playoffs. But it was a pretty damn fun weekend for a change.


A Tiger in Africa? 92.34 The Goy's Teeth 86.78
This one was pretty tight too, due to the Dukies starting someone named Chris Oingo Boingo for no reason whatsoever. But despite that, it was a Dead Man's Party for Mike Frank, who just didn't get enough on Monday Night out of Matt "I couldn't ever score a touchdown on three tries from the one yard line, so now I've lost all my goal line carries to some dude with dreads, and I'm pretty bitter over here" Forte.


The Choot Spas 93.18 Stupid Yard Marker 68.40
Well at least some things are still predictable. Sean's hurting team has been DOA for a month now and has officially turned into a freebie win for anyone playing him. And it's a good thing too, as Robby needed it, given how badly his Terps played on Saturday. They laid a turd and a half. And nobody fears the Turd.


FrayedEndsofSanity 83.75 Squirrelfucker Jones 67.12
This week, Steve-O made his own kind of music and managed to start two positions with negative points. That's hard to do, unless you're cursed somehow. After the loss, he is holding a 2 game lead in the race for the final playoff spot, so now we're all just wondering how he's going to blow it. (I mean the playoff spot.) The most likely candidate to come back on him is the previously underachieving Bradley, who toppled Steve-O thanks to the power of Tebow.


The Electric Bacon 93.87 Falafel 1st Class 92.57
In the marquee battleof the week between the league leaders, Falafel goes down under the weight of his own hubris as well as his underestimation of the superhuman abilities of Matt Moore. But who really cares, in the scheme of things? Both these guys are making the playoffs and should start looking at those weeks' team matchups now and make all their transactions accordingly. Maine's long term concern is obviously the Packers resting players if they clinch, and Falafel's long term concern is picking the wrong QB or D to start. Meanwhile, Maine's short term concern is finding the best all-you-can-eat bacon in Vegas, and Falafel's short term concern is to stop acting like a little bitch.


That is all.

- The Commish

Week 8 Recap - "Predictable"

Except for the Rams somehow beating the Saints, that was pretty much the most completely and utterly predictable weekend of football so far this year. Same goes for our league....


The Goy's Teeth 86.33 - Major Blowhard 76.18
OK, while it wasn't at all shocking that Rivers would suck yet again and screw me yet again, I still can't believe I lost to this guy. I mean, look at him!!!



A Tiger in Africa? 93.16 - The Choot Spas 67.30
No surpises here either, unless you count Robby starting Brian Hartline at WR. This was like Duke beating Maryland in basketball. Nobody is batting an eye when Duke wins by a score of 93-67.


FrayedEndsofSanity 83.97 - Stupid Yard Marker 78.85
So the last place team that has most of his players hurt and/or on bye and is 1-6 on the season and is bald...that team loses? Who would have thunk it?!! I mean, slap my ass and call me Nancy, I didn't see that one coming!


Squirrelfucker Jones 88.35 - The Electric Bacon 80.52
Guess this one could have gone either way, but with Aaron Rodgers on bye and Steve having that leprechaun shoved way way up his ass, no big twist ending on this one either. That 3.72 points from Joe "Flacid" Flacco really wasn't going to help too much there, hoss.


Falafel 1st Class 118.87 - Captain Amerithong 68.78
Ho hum. Travis puts up another big point total and Rich is his bitch as usual.



Oh, and I padded this recap with pictures because I'm bitter and lazy. Like I said - Predictable.

Peace,
- The Commish

Week 7 Recap - "Well, Now What?"

Who do you fire?
Who do you blame?
There's no one to hire.
There's nothing but shame.

It's not bad karma,
It's not bad luck.
Fuck a squirrel,
Fuck a duck.

Lions and Dolphins,
Giants, Redskins, and Raiders.
All of them losers,
Or mid-season faders.

The Gators and Hoos,
More bad news.
NBA's canceled,
Can't even choose.

Steelers are winning,
Good for you Sean.
Your team's 1 and 6,
So go blow a prawn.

No love in the standings,
No love on the grass.
Don't have Sage
To even harass.

Season's half over,
This sucks my friend.
Nothing to do
but wait for the end.


Major Blowhard 32.18 The Choot Spas 91.06
I'd like to remind people how pathetic Rich's 35 points were last week. Man, I still can't get over that. How do you only score 35 points in this league?! What a maroon!!! ... Also, there was a stat correction and Robby lost last week. Couldn't have happened to a nicer asshole.


A Tiger in Africa? 82.36 FrayedEndsofSanity 84.65
Tough loss for the Dukies. Big matchup against the Choot Spas next week. Bradley get some false hope.


Stupid Yard Marker 80.41 The Electric Bacon 97.10
Maine continues his march to the playoffs. Sean continues his march to Wegmans.


Squirrelfucker Jones 54.07 Falafel 1st Class 77.12
At least try to get the squirrel drunk first. That's all I'm sayin here.




The Goy's Teeth 72.78 Captain Amerithong 82.90
I'm now officially rooting for Frenchy McThong to make the playoffs and win it all for no reason whatsoever. (Although his plan to do the opposite from now on may preclude him from starting Drew Brees against St Louis this week.)

Fookin A,
- The Commish

Week 6 Recap - "The Cream Rises"

Hello yahoos. After 6 weeks in this godforsaken league, it's getting pretty clear which teams are bringing the noise and which teams are merely bringing the funk. With that prism in mind, let's peer into the reverse crystal ball....


Major Blowhard 91.09 FrayedEndsofSanity 73.74
A complete pwnage of Bradley this weekend, as UVA upset undefeated Georgia Tech as well. Brad may be the only person having a worse sports fall than me. If it wasn't for the Bills offense(!), then this score might have been even more lopsided than Travis's mom's tits. But even as it was, Brad slips to a Vikings-esque 1-5, while your beloved Commish keeps false hope alive.


A Tiger in Africa? 93.13 The Electric Bacon 80.18
Now it starts to get interesting. Thanks to a well balanced team effort - and a well balanced breakfast - The Evil Brother Cole gutted out a big win over Maine to solidify his hold on the 4th playoff spot. In classic Duke tradition, my evil brother got it done thanks to contributions from white position players such as Jordy Nelson, Kevin Walter, and Darren McFadden. .. Meanwhile, though Maine's team beyond Aaron Rodgers didn't do all that much and his team has slipped down to 3rd place, he's still looking strong nearing the halfway point. He just made the mistake of enjoying his 1st place perch a bit too much and the fantasy gods smote him accordingly. He'll be back.


Falafel 1st Class 103.81 Stupid Yard Marker 68.80
OK, this one was a mismatch on paper and an even bigger one in practice. Seanie's injured team is a compete MASH squad at this point and he deserves our pity. Poor Sean. Poor poor Sean. (Feel better now, dude?). ... In the other corner, back in first place is the hateable Falafel. His team is damn good. It's got the hallmark of a championship team, in that anyone can step up and put up big numbers in a given week. Damn good, and I'm not even kidding or jinxing here. It's the team to beat so far. Just don't shake his hand if you happen to beat him. He'll go nuts.


Motherfucker Jones 80.26 Captain Amerithong 35.20
35 points? 35 points!?! I didn't know it was possible to score that low. Thong had not one, but two, players score negative points. Had more turnovers than touchdowns. And had less than 100 total yards rushing plus receiving. That's not good. A week like this can cripple an owner's soul. Enjoy your crepes though. ... Meanwhile, Steve's travishamockery of a team wins easily to move into 2nd place. Now he just needs to hold on 8 more weeks with that crappy team. No problem.


The Choot Spas 75.97 The Goy's Teeth 75.80
And in the closest outcome of the week - and likely year - the Jews edged the Goys by the skin of their teeth. Whew! Considering that these two teams are exactly the same, looking back, this win could be critical for whoever is planning to barely miss the playoffs. And since I've already forgotten who is who here, it's as good a time as any to end this recap.


Be well,
- The Commish

Week 5 Recap - "Manimal"

It was a rare good sports weekend for your beloved commish. The Dolphins didn't lose. UVA didn't lose. And the Braves didn't lose. And therefore, I didn't crawl into the fetal position crying until Monday night when Megatron reminded me that all good things must come to an end. Onto to the recap...

The Electric Bacon 86.06 Major Blowhard 77.74
It's electric!! (boogie woogie woogie!) Thanks to precisely two long plays on Monday night, Maine completed his predicted comeback and summarily defeated your beloved but over-matched commissioner.
Fun Fact #1: Maine's first place starting lineup is made up of 50% Packers and Lions, which are not coincidentally the only two undefeated teams in the NFL.
Fun Fact #2: I had a dream last night where Maine and I took on Satan and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in a 2-on-2 pickup basketball game. Not sure what that means.


A Tiger in Africa? 110.50 Falafel 1st Class 90.15
As far as comeuppances go, it could have been worse. Falafel still put up 90 points, still got to watch his Lions win on Monday night, and still got that blumpkin from Rich's mom. So all in all, not too bad despite the loss to the evil empire. Speaking of which, Evil Brother Cole's win vaults him smack in the middle of the playoff picture again. At this point, he is the Duke of this league, which is probably the worst team I could possibly compare him to.


Motherfucker Jones 65.59 Stupid Yard Marker 57.36
In the B-division, Stevie eked out a low scoring victory against Seanie. We've covered Sean's injury ridden bunch already (this week's victim: Legarrette Blount), but not enough attention has been given to the sham of the mockery that is Steve's "team." He doesn't have a single reliable Wide Receiver now that Andre Johnson is hurt, his quarterback is going to separate his shoulder any day now picking up a carton of milk, his tight end is now going to be splitting time with his brother, and other things that I'm just making up. He is the New York Giants of the league and his Seattle Seahawks are coming next week in the form of Captain Amerithong. And to add insult to injury, he hasn't even been able to get out to the sports bar to watch games the last 3 weeks because it's been drizzling a lot near his apartment.


FrayedEndsofSanity 86.93 The Goy's Teeth 66.36
Bradley on the board!!! Mike Frank stumbles!!! Nobody cares!!!


Captain Amerithong 96.71 The Choot Spas 90.49
And in an unlikely high-scoring affair, the Thong of the East beats the Jew of the South, thanks to the efforts of some player I'm too lazy too even look at. Even so, it's a "Nice" win for Captain Amerithong, who is coincidentally lounging in the South of France right now. And speaking of Captain America, I just caught the trailer for the Avengers movie, and I got a semi-chub. It looks freakin awesome!!! In other news, I'm a huge geek!

Toodles,
- The Commish

Week 4 Recap - "Don't Cross The Streams"

Howdy folks. Short on time today, so this'll be even more stream of consciousness than usual. Off we go...

Major Suckhard 67.35 Falafel 1st Place 92.34
Falafel called me on Sunday to brag about how awesome his team was and how awesome his Lions were and how "Everything's Coming up Travis." Is there any scenario in which Wes Welker doesn't get hurt next game? I mean how dumb do you have to be to jinx yourself in that kind of manner? That's Forrest Gump concussed on top of a mountain with not much oxygen kind-of-dumb. (Meanwhile, spell-check doesn't recognize Welker or Gump as words.) ...

Things I didn't know on August 27:
- The Steelers offensive line would be worse than their crappy line from last year.
- Jack Del Rio Grande would cut David Garrard for no reason whatsoever.
- Antonio Gates' foot really wasn't fully healed, despite reports to the contrary.
- San Diego's other recievers would all be gimpy.
- The Jets offensive line would suddenly be bad (I at least knew Mark Sanchez sucked.)

And thus endeth the excuses for my crappy team. See you at next year's draft!


A Tiger in My Pants? 67.05 Motherfucker Jones!! 95.34
Steve really needs at least a couple exclamation points after his team name. Gots to get some excitement going up in here for his overachieving bunch. He won thanks to sacrificing a chicken and using voodoo mind games into tricking Brother Cole into thinking starting Mike Sims-Walker over Frank Gore was somehow a good idea. ...the fuck!?! ... Also, are we allowed to make fun of Steve for missing the draft yet? What's the statute of limitations on that sort of thing? I'll go consult Emily Post now.


Stupid Yard Marker 95.40 Captain Amerisuck 71.56
So Seanie finally found a team to play that's as bad as his and scored his first win on the not-so-young season. His victory came thanks to Mike Vick, Dez Bryant, et al, but no thanks to his Pittsburgh defense, which, like their offense, is underachieving for no reason whatsoever. C'mon Mike Tomlin - give some big speech or something here! You're killin me!!! .. Meanwhile, Rich is no longer in France, but in Italy eating Pizza and trying to score with a newly freed Amanda Knox.


The Manual Bacon 112.30 The Goy's Teeth 129.51
Is Maine still the owner of the best team in the league after getting handed his first loss of the season? The total points say so. But those same total points say that Mike Frank has the 3rd best team in the league. And that can't be true. So what's a commissioner to believe? Who the hell knows? One thing I do know is that Aaron Rodgers is gooooood!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh man!!! Wooooo!!!!!! How did Maine lose this week? Daaaaaaaaamn!!!!


FrayedEndsofSanity 84.18 The Chutzpahs 102.39
Another week, another tough luck loss for Bradley. His sanity is getting pretty frayed this season, boy howdy. It's sad, but true. He praying to St. Anger right about now. And he's...er...going to Seek and Destroy his kicker? Um, ok. .. Meanwhile, a very happy new year to the Chutzpahs. May your weeks be easy and your Sundays be sweet.


Peace out,
- The Commish

Week 3 Recap - "Suicide Watch"

Well that pretty much sucked. Unless you live west of the Mississippi and/or are lactose intolerant, you probably came out of the weekend feeling pretty despondent about the state of more than one of your teams - college, pro, fantasy, and otherwise. Anyhow let's check the Misery Level (ML) for the lot of us....


Motherfucker 90.16 ---- ML: distressed (aka Steve)
Major Blowhard 45.19 ---- ML: pessimistic
After getting the ever-loving crap kicked out of him, your trusty commish is suddenly pessimistic about his team. With Gates hobbled and his receivers unpredictable, he has no idea who's catching the ball from week to week. And if you can't catch, you can't win. Throw in the results from the Atlanta Braves, Miami Dolphins, Virginia Cavaliers, and Jim Courier, and it adds up to a shitty weekend. ... Meanwhile, Stevie kicked ass here, plus got wins from his Giants and Gators, but he's still Steve; and thus he's distressed about something or other. He's worried about what QB to start next week, or that the Gators are home underdogs to Alabama, or that Pink Floyd will never get back together, or that he can't eat pizza, or that his dick is too small to ever please a woman. Dude - just enjoy your 45 point thrashing of me for a minute will ya?!? (OK, I might be the distressed one here. Moving on...)


An Asshole in Africa? 70.56 --- ML: heartbroken
Stupid Sean 61.67 --- ML: woebegone
This low scoring affair (like college for these guys) came down to Monday Night's Field-Goal-a-rama, which did Seanie no favors. He has a boatload of injuries, the worst record in the league, the least total points scored, and the fashion sense of a young Urkel. Not good times. At least his Steelers looked impressive against Indy. And while you might think that Brother Cole is on top of the world, think again. He favorite band broke up this week and his best receiver tore his ACL, MCL, and some ligament doctors hadn't even discovered yet. All the best brother. All the best.


Falafel Coach 110.16 --- ML: pensive
The Boy's Teeth 83.58 --- ML: glum
Except for his Hoos losing to Southern Missouri School for Retarded Gerbils, Travis is on top of the world. What were the odds that he and the Detroit Lions would BOTH be 3-0 to start the year? Still, he has to wonder if Cam Newton and Wes Welker can keep this shit up. This week, however, they did plenty to send Mike Frank to 1-2. Glum Mike Frank will finish 7-7 as usual and just miss the playoffs.

The Electric Bacon 2: Electric Boogaloo 110.74 --- ML: out of sorts
The Chutzpahs 74.47 --- ML: down-in-the-mouth
Maine is only out of sorts from the large quantities of bacon, beer, and other assorted artery cloggers that are constantly in his system. Other than that, he's feelin damn good. Hell, even his Raiders are playing well. (Sidenote: Is it really possible that the Bills, Raiders, and Titans are all good teams this year? If so, that reconfirms my previously stated belief that I don't know anything. What the hell man? What the hell?? ... Balls.) Meanwhile, thanks to a female friend of his that may or may not have once had a penis, Robby's condition has improved since Sunday night from suicidal to merely "down-in-the-mouth." And don't ask me what I mean by down-in-the-mouth, because I have no idea. Just sounds dirty.

Big and Rich 88.08 --- ML: blue
Bad Luck Brad 81.51 --- ML: lugubrious
The story here is Bitter Bradley, who has the 3rd most total points in the league and a big fat 0-3 to show for it. Also, he's still holding onto Peyton Manning for some unknown reason. Isn't he cute, ladies and gentlemen? So Happy 35th Birthday, dude!!! Keep fucking that chicken! ... Rich won, but he's still 1-2 and his team still sucks, so he's blue like a smurf.


In conclusion, Id just like to state that the Dolphins are horrible and their secondary is horrible and they can’t kick field goals and they can’t hold on to the ball and they can’t manage the clock and they need to fire their offensive coordinator and fire their defensive backs coach and I don’t really feel like watching them every again in my life, at least until next Sunday where I’ll be on the couch at 4:15 because I’m a sucker like that.

So there.

- The Commish

Week 2 Recap - "Not Ready for Primetime Players"

Howdy folks!

Hope you're all enjoying the new season this fall as much as I am. Time to put on our 20/20 hindsight vision and recap this muthah...

Major Blowhard 96.43 Stupid Yard Marker 81.64
So Seanie already gets the prize for most injuries in a season. With two and a half men (Vick and Charles and...Floyd) getting hurt this week, if it keeps going like this, the last man standing on his team will be Ryan Torain. That can't be good. At this point, Sean's hopes for making the playoffs are already grimm, and he's really just hoping the entire Pittsburgh defense doesn't die in a bus crash. ... Meanwhile, Vick's injury spared your trusty Commish from having to stay up all night to watch the Eagles game, coasting to an easy victory despite Antonio Gates getting shut out when the Pats defense decided to cover him with 11 guys each time.

A Tiger in Africa? 103.35 Captain Amerithong 101.67
Here at the office of the Commissioner, we've heard an unforgettable story about the late Milton Berle. Somebody challenged him to a "who's bigger?" contest once, and Berle soundly defeated the guy, then bragged with glee to someone else in the room, "I only pulled out enough to win." That was Brother Cole this week. He's gotten so...well...cocky, that he didn't even bother to start a Defense at all and beat Thong anyhow. He claims that he just didn't want to chuck anyone and make them free agents, but nope, that was a total Berle. ... On the flip side, if Brother Cole was the "biggest," then Rich was the biggest loser. Despite 101 points raising hope for a win, he ended up with a total of -.27 points from his WR2 and WR3 positions. That ain't gonna produce many happy endings.

Motherfucker Jones 117.55 The Goy's Teeth 76.84
And now we move to the middle of the pack, where Stevie and MFrank are chillaxing as usual. A win one week, a loss the next. That's how they roll the bones. Well, this week was Steve's turn to put the smack down.
The X-Factor for him was Matthew Stafford, out of the SEC, putting up a huge 28 points for the Detroit Lions of all teams. Throw in Rob Gronkowski as another person of interest, and Steve has something interesting going on with his team. But don't worry - it will all come falling down soon enough. Meanwhile, MFrank will continue to stay on the fringe of respectability and get his revenge next time. Or possibly not. Who the hell knows?

Falafel 1st Class 117.42 The Choot Spas 84.60
Once upon a time in our league, you could count on Falafel to be around the top of the standings. He wasn't particularly a gifted man per se, but he did have an ample amount of time to makes moves, post on the community message board, and generally give a shit. But lately, with not even parenthood as an excuse, he's somehow been too busy to do anything around here but suck off the occasional Cam Newton. Things, however, appear to be different this year. He's got first place locked down and he's kicking ass all over the house. And the ass in question this week was the ample one of Robert Friedman. Not even the supernatural force of that ass, however, could make up for starting Hines Ward, Jacoby Jones, and Reggie Bush.

The Electric Bacon 132.16 FrayedEndsofSanity 124.81
The new girl in the league is making a play for the cup. Ms. Maine's much maligned team on paper is a dead ringer for the '72 Dolphins so far, as she's crushed it hard her first two weeks. (If it wasn't for Falafel, she'd be queen of the castle right now.) This time, Ms. Maine won in a big time shootout with Mrs. Mazzle, who should call the cops she got robbed so badly this week. It's hard to swallow putting up 124 points and losing, but swallow it she did, with the prime suspect on her team being number "1" draft pick Chris Johnson. Chris Johnson is more worthless than a eunuch at the Playboy club. More worthless than a Dennis Northcutt waiver claim. And more worthless than Travis's mom. That is all.

So who's gonna man up next week? Stay tuned for Football Night in America!

- The Commish

Week 1 Recap - "Wha Happened?"

Well slap my ass and call me Nancy, that was a heck of a way to start the year. And by "heck of a way, " I really mean, "feces-smearing crazy." And because nobody knew anything this year, there is plenty to recap. Let's get to it, shall we?

Major Blowhard 88.17 A Tiger in Africa? 68.13
In an early season rematch of last year's championship game, the Elder Cole exacted a meaningless measure of revenge thanks to the Bears Defense going off. Lesson Learned from this game: you drafted your Colts player too high.

Awful Team (Name) 66.93 The Goy's Teeth 116.10
This one was a spanking from the Andre-the-Giant-sized hand of Mike Frank. In a battle of terrible team name - c'mon people, are we even trying anymore?! - Sean's squad didn't stand a chance. When your kicker goes down on the first play of the game, your RB leaves the game in the 1st quarter, and a tuna fish sandwich would have been a better start than your stud defense, you might be losing that week. Lesson Learned from this game: Mike Frank (Mike Frank!) has a legitimately good team. Could this be his year?

Motherfucker Jones 65.20 The Choot Spas 91.28
Thanks to Thomas Brady shitting all over the Dolphins "defense", Robby won this one easily over "Steve." Guessing that was little consolation last night. Plus Colston is out for a while, so this was one of those Tuesday morning where neither Steve or Robby woke up in bed together happy. Lesson Learned from this game: it's going to be a long season Dolfans.

Falafel 1st Class 109.18 FrayedEndsofSanity 88.44
Bradley put up a respectable score, but it wasn't enough to overcome the One-Oh-Niner from Travis. Despite drafting from a windtunnel that he showed up to an hour and a half late, Travis managed to get production from everyone not on the Atlanta Falcons. Lesson Learned from this game: Jeremy Maclin may still have mono or something.

The Electric Bacon 93.18 Captain Amerithong 79.91
Maine (the worst drafted team on paper) eked out a 14 point win over The Thong, who is still probably in Europe shoving baguettes into who knows where. Lesson Learned from this game: they don't play fantasy sports on paper, they play it in computers.


As you can see, there wasn't a single close game in our league this week. So it's been decided once and for all...who has started 1-0. Because next week is another week. And hope spring eternal. And nobody knows anything.

Love,
The Commish